At that, the prosecutor looked concerned. Probably trying to reconcile that with Aqua’s claim that she was a goddess…
Then she glanced at me. “…If I may. The thing that blue-haired woman said earlier. Something about you running amok in the town at night on account of your overweening sexual desire…”
“That’s a lie! All completely untrue!” I insisted, but the prosecutor took a step away from me all the same.
“I—I see. In any event, I won’t say anything, so…”
Darkness patted my shoulder. “Look, uh… We believe you anyway. You aren’t the kind of guy who would do anything to us, even if we were alone with you and completely defenseless. So that’s great.”
Diiing.
The room was filled with ringing when Darkness spoke.
The prosecutor took another step back.
“No one believes that Kazuma is the kind of man who would do such a thing. I certainly do not ever sleep with one eye open when it’s his turn to tend the campfire.”
Diiing.
…Wordlessly, the prosecutor took another step away from us.
Then our most obtuse party member clenched her fist and…!
No, this one I wasn’t worried about. I knew it had to be a really big lie before the evil aura would do anything.
“Me, I trust you, too! You aren’t the least bit horny, Kazuma, and you’ve definitely never tried to sneak into Darkness’s bed, and I know that if anything, you’re actually too kind and caring! Everything I said earlier was a complete and total lie!”
Ding, ding, ding, diiiiiiing…
“Ding this, ding that, stop with the ringing already! Is that how you see me, you bunch of lousy—?! But I am slightly realistic about myself, so I’ll change. Just stop saying that stuff; I’m sorry!”
5
Iris was waiting for us, tears in her eyes, when we got back to the inn.
“Elder Brother, thank goodness you’re safe! When I heard you had all been arrested, I was afraid I would have to break you out even if I started a war in the process…”
“All right, calm down. I’m fine, everything’s fine, nothing happened to us!”
It took a little while, but my militant martial princess finally got herself under control.
“But why in the world did you get arrested at all, Elder Brother? An employee here at the inn informed me that you had been taken in, but they didn’t know any more than that…”
We had pursued our plan in secret, but Iris was too smart and too sharp not to figure it out sooner or later. When we explained what had happened, she looked at the floor, motionless. Darkness reached out a hand placatingly. “L-Lady Iris…? Um, I apologize for undertaking this action with Kazuma without consulting you. But I assure you, I thought it was for the best…”
“…ful…,” Iris murmured instead of answering.
“Lady Iris?” Darkness asked again.
“…Shameful,” Iris repeated, perfectly loud enough for us to hear this time.
At that, Darkness, with no trace of her usual stupidity and nonsense, bowed down in front of Iris. “I give you my most heartfelt apology, Lady Iris. Our indiscretion in this matter was entirely my own doing. I beg you to—”
But Iris silenced her with an upraised hand. “It was myself I was calling ‘shameful.’ I was hardly able to get anything from our negotiations and had to let my elder brother do most of the work… And then when I was unable to achieve my original mission of getting additional funds, I simply shut myself in my room, downhearted. Even though I had hardly even tried anything.”
No, Iris, you tried really hard. If you hadn’t been so strong, none of those contests would have taken place.
Despite my feelings, though, Iris shook her head. “While I was in here sulking, you and Lalatina put yourselves on the line, Elder Brother. That should have been my job.”
Uh, no, actually, a princess shouldn’t be doing stuff like that.
But I didn’t think that blunt comeback was the best thing for Iris right now.
Then Iris picked up the sword leaning against the wall nearby and turned to Darkness, who was still kneeling. “Lalatina Ford Dustiness. I shall now attend the castle. Accompany me.”
“L-Lady Iris?” Darkness looked up, surprised to suddenly be called by her full name. When she saw Iris’s face, her cheeks flushed, and she gave a bow of her head befitting an actual knight.
“I am going to ask that Prince Levy provide us the additional funds. Indeed…” This was not the Iris I had first met. And it wasn’t the one I’d come to know, with her easy laughter, quick anger, and curiosity about everything. “On the very name of Belzerg, by the blood I have inherited from the Hero of old. Whatsoever I need do, I shall have that money, even if I must force the matter!”
“Truly, you are a woman of resolve, Lady Iris! I, Lalatina, stand ready to defend you, come what may!”
The Iris I saw now was without question the descendant of an old hero. She stood with her blue eyes blazing, a warrior queen on the cusp of battle.
On the huge main street leading to the castle. Iris moved like a gale, a force of nature passersby instinctively gave a wide berth.
“Kazuma, get a load of Lady Iris today! Ahhh, to see my mistress walking so proud and so tall… As a noble charged with protecting my nation, I’ve never been happier!”
Darkness, sounding a lot like the Iris-obsessed, white-suited Claire, walked a half step behind the princess. Even she looked different than usual.
“Gotta admit, Iris is looking awfully cool, but your typical absurdity kind of offsets it. You’re not much of a squire, but you’re all she’s got, so straighten up a little.”
That struck a nerve; Darkness bit her lip, but at least she was self-aware enough to wipe the grin off her face.
I continued: “So, what, does Iris have some sort of plan? She said she would do whatever she had to and force the issue if necessary, so…? You guys gonna storm the treasury or something?”
“You impudent fool! I can’t believe you think Lady Iris would ever stoop to such a thing! …But if she plans to do whatever she has to, then I assume she’s got some options in mind. I’ve heard of something Belzerg used to do back when it was first founded and had no money…”
Well, if there’s such a great plan around, freakin’ tell me about it already.
But it happened before I could get out the words.
“Is something the matter, Princess Iris? I’m afraid the prince has specifically ordered us that neither you nor any of your associates are to be admitted to the castle, so I beg your forgiveness, but—”
“Exterion!”
No sooner had we arrived than a guard tried to stop us—a guard Iris summarily ignored as she sliced open the great castle gate.
The huge, seemingly impenetrable door collapsed in a single blow, falling to the ground with a dull thud.
“Princess Iris?! Wh-what in the world…?!”
Iris continued to ignore the confounded soldier as she strode boldly through the now-open gate. The guard, realizing he wasn’t up to handling this alone, grabbed a whistle hanging around his neck.
Fweeee!
The high-pitched sound echoed all over the castle grounds.
The path to the audience chamber was shin-deep with toppled knights and soldiers. Struck with the flat of Iris’s blade, they grunted and groaned.
“Y-you kn-kn-know what this m-means, don’t you?!” stammered the prince. He stood in front of Iris, desperately trying to keep his cool as he faced her unsheathed sword.
I whispered to Darkness beside me. “Hey, I know I said this before, but are you sure we’re really necessary here?”
“H-hush! Be quiet! We’ve got him right where we want him!” she said, but the flush in her cheeks hinted that she got what I was saying.
Aqua, sticking close behind me, was put off by Iris’s display of violence. “Hey, Kazuma, I’m starting to get worried about Emperor Zel. I want to go home and check on him. I�
�m sure he’s crying his fuzzy little eyes out over how much he misses me.”
“I’m pretty sure he forgets everything about three seconds after he learns it, so I wouldn’t worry about him.” I took a firm hold of Aqua’s feather mantle to keep her from fleeing the scene.
Things seemed to be heating up with the prince in the meantime. “Now, you listen to me, you despicable curs! You know this amounts to a declaration of war! And I’m sure the other countries that support you won’t stand idly by, either! This is going to be a major diplomatic—!”
“Prince Levy.” Iris silenced the overexcited ruler with nothing but his name. Behind the boy, the prime minister was backing away uneasily. “I only wished to speak with you. I apologize for the more uncouth among my actions, but then, as you say, my people are but barbarians. Could I not urge you to overlook what I’ve done as the indiscretion of a simple rube?”
The prince nearly lost his head with rage. “Wha…?! That’s the stupidest excuse I’ve ever…!”
“If such excuses will not prevail—”
Another voice now spoke quietly—not Iris but someone behind me.
Megumin took a big step forward, her eyes bright red, her staff upraised. “Then, my explosion magic and Iris’s blade together shall bring this country to ruin…”
“Wh-wh-what did you say?!”
“Megumin, my friend, I must beg you not to be so hasty! I have no intention of doing any such thing!” Iris shoved Megumin back, out of the spotlight, but now her momentum was gone and she blushed a little.
“And what exactly do you intend to ask for? I assume you’re after more money, but no amount of threatening will squeeze more cash out of me…!” Even cornered, the prince was still a royal; he didn’t give a single inch.
“This is something my nation, Belzerg, used to do often, back when we were a new country and without money…” Iris drove her sword into the floor of the audience chamber. “Tell me: What is the largest, most dangerous, most destructive monster in this country?”
She was looking straight at the prince.
“I, Iris Stylish-Sword Belzerg, shall slay it, I vow.”
Then she grinned.
Chapter 5
A Full Stop for This Ridiculous Plan!
1
A dragon.
It was the most major of monsters, a creature known to every single person not just here in this world but also back on Earth, where dragons didn’t even exist. It was the biggest, baddest, most fearsome monster around. Anyone who killed one deserved to be called a hero and could demand any reward they wanted.
And we were hunting the king of dragons.
“Nooooooo! Nooooooooooooooooooo! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”
“Stop screeching and come with us! We’re facing the mother of all badasses, and we’re going to need all the help we can get—even you!”
That’s right: We were going to slay a dragon.
Let’s rewind to the moment when Iris awesomely said she would slay any monster.
“You’ll exterminate the most destructive monster in our realm? The biggest and most awful? Don’t make me laugh! I know you’re strong, but that’s biting off more than you can chew!”
The prince was practically spitting at us, but Iris just cocked her head. “If I can’t do it, then it isn’t any problem for you, is it? I’m simply going to defeat this monster of my own volition. If I should happen to lose my life in the process, you have my assurances that it won’t reflect poorly on you. I’ll be sure to leave behind a note elucidating all this.”
“That’s not my point! Nobody wants to see someone die, even if they’ve only talked with them a few times! I can’t let you commit suicide!” The prince was red in the face now. He might have been an idiot, but apparently, deep down, he wasn’t a completely terrible guy.
“Hmph, what has you so afraid? Indeed, it may be difficult for Iris alone to defeat such a powerful foe. But she has with her the greatest mage in all of Axel. Now, Iris, let us go kick the butt of whatever beast is afflicting this nation!”
“Grrr…! You can only talk like that because you don’t know what you’re dealing with! Listen up: We’re talking about a monster that’s ravaging this country, has built its nest in a gold mine of all places, and even now is terrorizing the countryside. It’s—”
“Wait a moment, please,” the prime minister said, interrupting the prince before he could finish his rebuttal to Megumin. “Lord Levy, perhaps we could indulge them in this matter? After all, they have proposed it themselves. And imagine the riches we could gain if that thing was driven out of the gold mine. We’ve kept ordinary adventurers and knights from doing battle with it on the assumption that they would only succeed in antagonizing it, but Lady Iris has the blood of the Hero of Belzerg in her veins. I don’t think she will be so easily defeated.”
He was kind of leering at us, but I had no idea why. The prince, making no effort to hide his annoyance, snapped, “Fine, do whatever you want!” Then he pointedly looked away.
“Kill a dragon? Are you stupid or something? Have you all gone insane?!”
“Pipe down! This is the only way. Anyway, we’ve beaten generals of the Demon King and evil goddesses. At this point, a dragon sort of seems like a step down.”
A country dominated by the gambling industry apparently didn’t see the need to put themselves in danger against a dragon just to get back one gold mine. But for us, that mine represented an important source of funds, not to mention a quest tailor-made for a party of adventurers.
“You keep a dragon for a pet, right? So don’t chicken out now. What, planning to abandon Emperor Zel when he grows up?”
“Please don’t compare my dear, sweet Emperor Zel to any old dragon. He’s very smart, so he would never attack a person. Compared to him, what’s a feral dragon but a stupid lizard?”
I felt bad for the dragon, being called “stupid” by Aqua. Weren’t dragons supposed to be highly intelligent?
“Lady Aqua, I shall be protecting everyone, so I beg you to work with me. I have to think that facing a dragon will prove difficult without support magic…”
Iris looked downright pitiful, and Aqua evidently couldn’t keep complaining in the face of an imploring child. “…Bah, fine. I’ll help you, so when you grow up and become a queen, you can pay me back by making the Axis Church the official state religion.”
“That has chaos written all over it! You should count yourself lucky that the Axis Church hasn’t been wiped out already!”
As Aqua and I argued, Iris suddenly snickered. When she realized we were both looking at her, she waved a hand quickly and said, “Oh, don’t get me wrong! I’ve just, er, always been so taken with adventuring; I’m enjoying the feeling that I’m almost part of an adventuring party myself…” She looked down bashfully, and I remembered that back when we had swapped bodies, she’d seemed excited about adventuring.
Megumin, though, chuckled and said, “Now, this is not playtime, you understand? There is no end to the naïveté of these sheltered girls… But very well. I shall deign to teach my minion the fundamentals of adventuring.”
“Thank you. I would like that very much!”
Darkness couldn’t help smiling at the two of them—they acted like old friends—as Megumin began her lecture.
“…Ahem, Iris, look at this. You see how this branch is broken? There is a very good likelihood it indicates the presence of a monster ahead.”
“I don’t think so. My Sense Foe skill would be going off.”
Megumin shot me a look. Then she collected herself and started walking toward the mine…
“Iris, do you know what the most important thing to have on a lengthy adventure like this is? That’s right: water. You absolutely must avoid being unable to rehydrate after a difficult challenge. So be sure to conserve your water supply as much as you—”
“Leave the water to us! Kazuma and I both know Create Water, so drink as much as you like; there will always be more!”<
br />
Megumin had been trying to give some advice to Iris, who was having a drink, but Aqua promptly produced more water with her spell. She filled up Iris’s canteen, then walked away, satisfied. Megumin watched her, looking eager to snap something at her.
In due course, we came to a giant tree. “Iris, look! Look at the marks scratched into this trunk! I recognize this pattern. There’s a hive of killer bees nearby; try to move as quietly as possible…”
“Okay, everyone take hold of me. I’ll use my Ambush skill while we move up. That way the monsters won’t see us.”
“……” Megumin’s mouth worked open and shut, and her eyes suggested she felt some conflicting emotions about me. But in the end, she grabbed hold like everyone else.
We went on that way for several hours.
“Now then, there are no major enemies in sight, so let us take a brief break. Iris, let me tell you the most important things to know when taking a break in the field. First, when you are in the territory of powerful monsters, you must never light a fire, because of the risk of attracting—”
“Ooh, Kazuma, Kazuma, use Kindle for me. I want some nice hot tea.”
“You brought your tea set all the way out here? You’re hopeless. Give me some, too. Here. Kindle.” I used my magic to set fire to a pile of leaves and branches Aqua had collected.
“Grrraaahhhh!”
“Waaaah! Megumin, what are you doing? My poor fire went out!”
Megumin, who had suddenly attacked the fire with her staff, said, “Don’t you ask me about what I am doing! Starting a fire here is sure to attract monsters—I’ve been trying to mentor Iris all day, and you two…!”
Just as she was shouting, I felt it. “My Sense Foe ability acted up a second ago. Careful, something’s coming!”
There was a nasty cracking sound. We could see a flock of birds take to the sky, a sign that something very unpleasant was coming our way.
Aqua, still sore about her fire, exclaimed, “This is your fault for shouting, Megumin!”
Gamble Scramble! Page 12