by Mark Tufo
My attention was all on the food, and like I was in a trance I heard a smooth, continuous sound, like a hundred birds calling out together, and it stopped my breathing.
I didn’t have a word for it then, but it stirred something deep within me, something almost akin to what Tallow had been doing to me, but different. It was moving; it was rhythmic, and nearly hypnotic. I looked around the room for the source of this magic and saw a small box, not much larger than the whole loaves of bread I’d seen on the ration carts. This had some knobs on it and numbers, I think, but I couldn’t be sure. When the men sat and weren’t joking amongst themselves I could hear the sound coming from the device.
I was so struck by the scene in that room that I’d nearly got caught spying on the Brokers. One of them must have been getting chilled; he walked to the window and pushed it closed. I ducked down quickly. Luckily he hadn’t noticed me, but I felt broken when his actions shut me out. The sound the small box made and the wafting delicious smells of their food were too much to bear. I ran as fast and as far away from there as I could, stumbling through the wooded area and collapsing. I cried the rest of the night, wept for what I did not have, nor ever would. I cried for what The War had taken from us, and what it would soon take from me. It was Tallow that found me that next morning, sitting alone and wretched in the blueberry field, its fruit not yet ready to harvest.
He said nothing as he sat next to me. I had my arms wrapped around my legs, rocking slightly back and forth, hoping to seek some comfort from the movement. My face felt puffy even though I had run out of tears hours ago. He said nothing as he handed me half of his bread and I thanked him for that. How could I possibly explain what I’d just seen?
Chapter 3
Decision Made
“WINTER, I DON’T like that look. We both know most of them will be in for the night, except for the patrols. What are you going to do, just knock on the door and ask if you can borrow some rope? That’s even if they have as much as you say.”
“Do you not believe what I said I saw?”
“A box that makes magical sounds, Winter? That doesn’t make sense. The metal clubs I get, okay, they probably have more food…but the other stuff is just too strange.”
“They have lengths of rope that will make climbing down this easy, Tallow, and we’re going to get it. And not at night.”
Tallow stepped back. “You can’t be serious. You just want to walk in and grab it in the middle of the day? They’ll kill us, Winter!”
“What do we have to lose, Tal? The War will kill us soon enough. Hardly anyone ever comes home from that.”
“Maybe, but you still have three years. Why are you in such a rush to give that up?”
“Give what up, Tallow? All this?” I spun around with my arms outstretched.
He was quiet, and I watched as anger began to boil up within him, threatening to explode. And then like a summer tempest, it passed that quickly. “You’re right, and you’re wrong.”
“And you say I don’t make sense.”
“There really isn’t all that much to give up. Except for us; this. We still have each other.”
“What does that even mean? We can never be together, not in that way. I’d have to go to the Breed...”
“Don’t even say that!” His anger flared. “Not ever! You will never go there,” he ended solemnly.
I placed my hand on his shoulder.
He took a breath. “We’re not going to the Brokers during the day.” I was about to protest until he spoke again. “We’ll wait until they’re asleep.”
The thought of being in the same building as a dozen Brokers did little to quell the panic threatening to rise up into my mouth. It was my idea to get the rope though, and I couldn’t back out now; potentially a whole new life was right in front of us–just below our feet. Plus, I could not handle the thought of Tallow thinking less of me if I didn’t go.
“When?” I asked, hoping my nervousness wasn’t showing.
“Tomorrow night the moon will be at a quarter. Should be enough to give us some light inside but dark enough to keep us hidden if we need to be.”
We covered up our treasure, even though the chances of it being found this far out on the periphery of Dystance was remote. Not many strayed far from the perceived safety the Brokers offered, or from the ration carts, lest they miss a meal. We walked quietly back to our quarters; I looked hard at Tallow, trying to read him, but he smiled softly, shook his head, and went to his own apartment. I didn’t sleep much that night thinking that it could quite easily be my last. I could only think of three people that would miss me. One was Tallow, but if I got caught, odds were he’d be right next to me when we died. Cedar, of course, but she would be alright. Then, perhaps because I was afraid and exhausted, the woman, Hope, came to mind. I could see her sad, loving smile. Would she still care? Would she even know I had died? My life would be diminished if I thought she wouldn’t. Right there and then I decided if it was to be my last day, I was going to visit her.
The next day I pulled a comb through my long hair, shaking more of the muck out from the previous day’s adventures. I pinned it up behind my head and borrowed some of Tallow’s clothes so that they would hide my shape.
“That’s not a good look for you.” Tallow was eating some sunflower seeds. His gaze traveled up and down the length of me. I was acutely aware of how self conscious I felt and embarrassed I was from his assessment.
“You can stop looking then.” I slugged him on the arm, sending a handful of seeds spilling onto the ground.
“Are you sure about this, Win? You’re not even sure she’s your mother; and really, what difference does it make?”
“I feel like I have to, Tal. I can’t explain why, just seems like the right thing to do.”
“Just be careful.”
“Have you ever been there, I mean, since you were a kid?” My heart rate increased as I asked the question. It was his duty as a member of our community to aid The War effort, and for men, part of that was visiting the Bio barracks on a regular basis. Inwardly I hoped he hadn’t, but I knew how incredibly selfish that was.
“I never have.” He let his head hang down a bit. Men were also encouraged to visit the maternity wards. The Technicians had discovered that the intermingling of pheromones helped significantly with the success rate of a pregnancy going to term.
I touched the side of his face and he looked me in the eyes. My heart jumped. “Why?”
“None of them are you,” he answered honestly. His eyes held mine for a split moment then again dropped down.
The best word I could think to write when he said those words was “gooey.” Yeah, I felt “gooey” inside, like maybe I’d melted–and I could actually feel the melting, too. He’d opened his heart to me; and finally my next words were from my heart. I don’t often say what I feel, and though there could have been so much more, I simply said: “Thank you. I’ll be back before nightfall.”
I pulled the hood of Tallow’s sweatshirt over my head and kept my gaze steadily on the ground as I exited his apartment and walked down the main street toward the Bio Buildings. My hands were firmly entrenched in my pockets; no one gave me a second glance. I lingered outside the massive structure for a few moments as at least a half dozen men, boys really, entered. They didn’t knock but walked in as if they owned the place. I did the same. As I entered there was a large waiting room with old chairs. It was half full, with some of the boys I had followed in grabbing seats while others headed down a hallway that led to the maternity wards.
“Are you waiting for someone in particular?” A woman who looked to be in her late thirties was sitting a few feet away behind a desk. Her distended belly nearly touched the table–she looked like a sharp pin would make her pop.
“Huh?” Came my ready reply.
“Oh sweetie, is this your first time?” She smiled at me. “If you’re waiting for someone in particular, you need to write her name down, and your name, and wait to be called. Ot
herwise you can just go down the hall and into the first doorway that’s open. Thank you for doing your part.” She smiled again, but this time it looked forced.
I wrote down “Hope” and then I started to write the first two letters of my name and thought better of it. I almost scratched it out but that would have seemed pretty strange if I didn’t know my own name. I went with “Wilfred” and then sat down. The woman looked from the sheet and then at me.
“Wilfred? You don’t look like a Wilfred.” I gave her a weak smile and shrugged my shoulders. “Hope, huh?” She looked up and away. “There’s no Hope here.” She spoke so flatly I couldn’t tell if she meant the abstract or the reality. Either way, I felt suddenly panicked.
I stood up abruptly. “There has to be, she’s my...” What could I say? No one had true relationships with the women here; if they did they certainly wouldn’t admit it. “I, umm, just heard she’s the best for first-timers.”
“Listen, Wilfred,” she said my name like she knew it for the ruse it was. “I’ve been here for twenty-something years. I make it a point to know everyone. There was a Hope once, but not anymore.”
“Are...are you sure?”
“You seem like a nice boy.” There it was again, loud and clear. I might be able to put my hair up and hide my body and most of my face but she’d seen through it as if I was parading around naked. I felt completely and utterly exposed. The question now would be how much trouble did this warrant.
“There are plenty of other women here that can help you.”
“Umm, forget it, I’ll try back later.” I headed for the door.
“Come here,” she said forcibly.
I could feel the gaze of the others upon me. My face was blazing. I did as she said, fearful that she would summon the Brokers if I did otherwise.
I went up to the desk.
“You look a lot like her,” she said softly. “Don’t talk, don’t deny it, just listen. I knew Hope. We were friends, at least as much as we could be in this horrible place. She was a beautiful but fragile woman, and this place destroyed her. When she was pregnant with you…yes, I know exactly who you are. She had talked about finding a way to get you both out of Dystance, to somewhere beyond The War.”
I wanted to ask her if such a place existed, but I held my tongue, hoping for as much as she would give me.
“There was a man; someone she had known outside. He visited regularly; more often than most, but after about a year, he didn't come back. That’s when she started talking about these crazy plans. For nearly nine years we talked about it, but I figured it was more of an exercise in futility; wishful thinking. Everyone knows there is nowhere safe from The War. But she wouldn’t stop, and as you got older, she grew more desperate; I was actually afraid for her. Finally, right before you were about to go on your Walkout, she said she may have figured out a way,”
“What happened?” I asked breathlessly.
“She had suffered her fifth miscarriage the day before you left. I…always suspected she had done something to…to make it happen. She’d said a few times that she wouldn’t bring any more children into this world. That to do so was selfishness; her own rebellion. She told me that without babies, eventually there would be no one left to fight The War. A beautiful theory, I suppose, and I’ve had a lot of time to reflect upon it, but those that don’t produce anything for The War effort, regardless of the reasons, are not allowed to stay here.”
“Where is she?” I asked, hopeful that I could reunite with her.
“I’m sorry…I thought you understood.” Her eyes turned away from mine. “She wasn’t allowed to stay anywhere.”
It hit me with the full force of a punch to the chest. She’d stopped giving birth, so the Powers had her killed. I ran from the lobby, my hood flying back as I did so. Tears were pulled from my eyes and streamed to my ears as I pumped faster. I found as quiet a spot as I could and wept for a woman I did not even know and now never would. I wished I’d never heard the word “mother.” How much easier was life without attachment! I felt the cold locket against my breast; I remembered Tallow’s hand on my waist. I shook my hair free from the pins, letting them fall on the ground. I didn’t want an easy life; I wanted a real one. Do others desire the same things as me and are just better at disguising their feelings?
I had finally wrung the tears dry. My head ached and my nose was running. I heard the slow shuffle of footsteps approaching. I looked through a watery visage to see Tallow coming.
“Hey Winter,” he said sheepishly. “You alright?” When I didn’t answer he continued. “I saw you come bolting out of the Bios. I had no idea you could run that fast.” He was trying for a levity I wasn’t feeling.
He sat down next to me. He must have known words weren’t what I needed right now. He draped his arm over my shoulder. I didn’t feel all right, but I felt better. He needed to be careful though; displays of affection might not be out and out against the law but they were greatly frowned upon. How could this be wrong? I leaned my head into his shoulder.
“You still up for tonight?”
“Now more than I ever,” I told him as I wiped my sleeve across my face.
Chapter 4
A Broker Falls
AFTER RATIONS THAT night, I wrapped up in my darkest clothes, and avoiding Cedar, I met Tallow at the edge of town, nearest the Brokers’ barracks. We lay in a small, concealed clearing, waiting for the late hours to come. I was nervous, but that did not completely explain the pounding of my heartbeat. It seemed to increase tempo with each passing minute to the point where I thought it was just going to explode. Tallow was wholly unconcerned. He was sleeping next to me, I could just barely make out his features as the moon came over the mountains. His lips were slightly open, his chest rising and falling with every breath. His arms were up over his shoulders, his hands cradling his head like a pillow. He looked so at ease. I felt a bold rush of adrenaline. I leaned in close, my mouth hovering inches from his. I could feel a current of energy crackle between us, and I felt a giggle rise in my throat from the blatant nerve of my actions. If I had dared to kiss him I knew it would create a physical spark that would wake him up and then I’d be caught. But I wanted to; oh how I wanted to.
I placed my hand an inch above his chest, slowly shadowing his definition careful not to actually touch him. I did this for a few moments, caught up in the movement, when Tallow surprised me.
“What are you doing, Win?”
I pulled my hand back like he was on fire and I was in danger of burning myself. “Bug, b-big bug,” I stammered.
“You about ready?” he asked, sitting up.
He didn’t say anything about what I’d been doing. I could only hope it was too dark for him to have seen anything. That stupid smirk of his, though, had me suspecting otherwise.
“Ready?” I asked, lost in thought.
“You know…the whole breaking in to the Brokers building and getting the rope thing?”
“Oh yeah, I remember that.”
“Thanks for getting the big bug away.” Again his face was plastered with a large grin.
I shoved him. We snuck our way through the rest of the town; it was as quiet as it always was–the curfew made sure of that. To be caught out late would get you some rough handling and a bruise or two at the very minimum, depending on the Broker that found you. If they smelled of Cahol chips, they were generally more violent and would deliver a beating that had sent more than one offender to the Meddie Building.
We waited in a small scrub of brush for the patrols to change out, fairly certain that this would give us enough time between shifts to get in, get what we needed, and get out. Once we felt sure that the returning guards’d had ample opportunity to fall asleep, we stood up.
“You sure about this?” I asked, placing my hand on his arm as we made our move.
Tallow looked down at my hand and smiled. I quickly pulled away.
“Do you want in that building?”
“I do,” I told him.
“Then this is our best shot.”
We crept closer until we were finally under the window where I’d watched them feast. Tallow popped up and stuck his face to the glass, his hands covering the side of his head to block out the dim moon that lit the grounds. He came down to me a few seconds later and whispered, “All’s quiet. You stay here and keep a look out, I’ll go in and grab it.”
“No.”
“No what, Winter?”
“We’re going in together.”
“Absolutely not.”
“Do you know where the rope is?”
“You told me, so I should be able to figure it out.”
“How long do you want to stay in there fumbling around? I’ll grab the rope–you keep a look out.” I stood and headed for the door. I didn’t want to risk Tallow getting caught. Sure, he was curious about that room, but I knew without a doubt we were doing this crazy thing because of me. I couldn’t stand the thought of him getting hurt, or worse, sent to The War before making age. That had happened to those whose offenses were too great. Now that I was thinking about it, I didn’t know how I felt about potentially getting caught, hurt, and sent to The War, or worse, sent to the Bios.
“Fine. This is our plan and we’re going in together,” he said as he grabbed my elbow.
I turned the handle on the door; it was unlocked. No one was stupid enough to come into the Brokers barracks, especially uninvited. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the darkness within. I stepped inside and went for the wall so that Tallow could follow and shut the door. I could hear the heavy snoring of sleeping men, and right now that was comforting. Tallow took another step in and froze when the floor beneath him squeaked loudly.