right on behind there?" called the conductor from the front ofthe car.
"Hold on," cried a shrill voice. "Wait till I get my clothes on!"
The passengers craned their necks expectantly. A small boy wasstruggling to get a basket of laundry aboard.
* * * * *
One of the jokes of which Kentuckians never grow weary concernsSenator Blackburn and his loyal appreciation of the liquid products ofhis native State. The Senator had gone to pay a visit to a friend ofhis who lived many miles distant. His friend met the Senator as healighted at the station.
"How are you Joe?" his friend asked.
"I'm up against it," was the reply. "I lost the best part of mybaggage en route."
"Did you misplace it, or was it stolen?" his friend inquiredsolicitously.
"Neither," said the Senator. "The cork came out."
* * * * *
Kentucky Tailor--"What size shall I make your hip pockets, Colonel,pint or quart?"
* * * * *
Once, during his second term, Grover Cleveland was asked to speak at afunction in a certain town, and when he arrived at the depot the windwas blowing a gale, sleet was driving, and hailstones nearly as largeas marbles were fiercely falling. Of course, the inevitable brass bandwas there, and at the sight of the President the performers struck upwith all the strenuosity at their command.
"That is the most realistic music I ever heard," remarked Cleveland.
"What are they trying to play?" asked Secretary Olney, who accompaniedhim.
"'Hail to the Chief'!" replied the President, with a cheerful smile.
* * * * *
The chaplain of one of his Majesty's ships was giving a magic-lanternlecture, the subject of which was "Scenes from the Bible." He arrangedwith a sailor who possessed a gramophone to discourse appropriatemusic between the slides. The first picture shown was Adam and Eve inthe Garden of Eden. The sailor cudgeled his brain but could think ofnothing suitable. "Play up," whispered the chaplain. Suddenly a largeidea struck the jolly tar and to the great consternation of thechaplain and the delight of the audience the gramophone burst forthwith the strains of "There's only one girl in the world for me."
* * * * *
The craze for giving and accepting coupons for purchases ofmerchandise, to be redeemed by prizes, was given a more or lessmerited rebuke by Nat C. Goodwin. He bought a bill of goods, and thesalesman offered him the coupons that the amount of the purchasecalled for. Mr. Goodwin shook his head. "I don't want 'em," he said.
"You had better take them, sir," persisted the clerk; "we redeem themwith very handsome prizes. If you can save up a thousand coupons wegive a grand piano."
"Say, look here," replied Mr. Goodwin, "if I ever drank enough of yourwhisky or smoked enough of your cigars to get a thousand of thosecoupons I wouldn't want a piano. I'd want a harp."
* * * * *
He--"You've got to have a pull to get ahead."
She--"Yes, and you've got to have a head to get a pull."
* * * * *
A Southern lawyer tells of a case that came to him at the outset ofhis career, wherein his principal witness was a darky named Jackson,supposed to have knowledge of certain transactions not at all to thecredit of his employer, the defendant.
"Now, Jackson," said the lawyer, "I want you to understand theimportance of telling the truth when you are put on the stand. Youknow what will happen, don't you, if you don't tell the truth?"
"Yassir," was Jackson's reply; "in dat case I expects our side willwin de case."
* * * * *
The Suitor--"They say that Love is blind."
The Heiress--"But nowadays he has a marvelous sense of touch."
* * * * *
A small boy who had recently passed his fifth birthday was riding in asuburban car with his mother, when they were asked the customaryquestion, "How old is the boy?" After being told the correct age,which did not require a fare, the conductor passed on to the nextperson.
The boy sat quite still as if pondering over some question, and then,concluding that full information had not been given, called loudly tothe conductor, then at the other end of the car: "And mother'sthirty-one!"
* * * * *
One of the uptown banks, on a conspicuous corner, gained a bad namewith the daily crowd of New York pedestrians. Its financial standingwas of course beyond question, but its clock ran on a very eccentricand confusing system. The timepiece stood in a spot easily observableand was consulted for years in spite of its tendency to wander fromstrict accuracy. A woman excusing her lateness for luncheon said shethought she was on time by the clock in the bank.
"Oh, nobody can go by that," said her companion contemptuously. "Wecall that the bank where the wild time grows."
* * * * *
In a certain home where the stork recently visited there is asix-year-old son of inquiring mind. When he was first taken in to seethe new arrival he exclaimed: "Oh, mamma, it hasn't any teeth! And nohair!" Then, clasping his hands in despair, he cried: "Somebody hasdone us! It's an old baby."
* * * * *
A prominent railroad man hurried down the lobby of a Binghamton hoteland up to the desk. He had just ten minutes in which to pay his billand reach the station. Suddenly it occurred to him that he hadforgotten something.
"Here, boy," he called to a negro bellboy, "run up to 48 and see if Ileft a box on the bureau. And be quick about it, will you?"
The boy rushed up the stairs. The ten minutes dwindled to seven andthe railroad man paced the office. At length the boy appeared.
"Yas, suh," he panted breathlessly. "Yas, suh, yo' left it, suh!"
* * * * *
A Boston minister tells of a little girl friend of his who, one day,proudly displayed for his admiration a candy cat.
"Are you going to eat it?" the minister asked.
"No, sir; it's too pretty to eat. I'm going to keep it," the littlegirl replied, as she stroked it with a moist little hand.
Several days later the minister saw her again, and inquired about thecat.
A regretful look came into her eyes.
"It's gone," she sighed. "You see, I saved it and saved it, till itgot so dirty that I just _had_ to eat it."
* * * * *
"Only fools are certain, Tommy; wise men hesitate."
"Are you sure, uncle?"
"Yes, my boy; certain of it."
* * * * *
"My rubber," said Nat Goodwin, describing a Turkish bath that he oncehad in Mexico, "was a very strong man. He laid me on a slab andkneaded me and punched me and banged me in a most emphatic way. Whenit was over and I had gotten up, he came up behind me before my sheetwas adjusted, and gave me three resounding slaps on the bare back withthe palm of his enormous hand.
"'What in blazes are you doing?' I gasped, staggering.
"'No offense, sir,' said the man. 'It was only to let the office knowthat I was ready for the next bather. You see, sir, the bell's out oforder in this room.'"
* * * * *
"I want to know," said the irate matron, "how much money my husbanddrew out of this bank last week." "I can't give you that information,ma'am," answered the man in the cage. "You're the paying teller,aren't you?" "Yes, but I'm not the telling payer."
* * * * *
A lady once showed her little girl a beautiful new silk dress whichhad just arrived from the dressmaker, and by way of improving theoccasion she said: "You know, dear, all this was given us by a poorworm." The little girl looked puzzled for a minute or two and thensaid: "Do you mean dad, mama?"
* * * * *
When Blaine w
as a young lawyer, and cases were few, he was asked todefend a poverty-stricken tramp accused of stealing a watch. Hepleaded with all the ardor at his command, drawing so pathetic apicture with such convincing energy that at the close of his argumentthe court was in tears and even the tramp wept. The jury deliberatedbut a few minutes and returned the verdict "not guilty." Then thetramp drew himself up, tears streaming down his face as he looked atthe future "Plumed Knight," and said: "Sir, I have never heard sogrand a plea, I have not cried before since I was a child. I have nomoney with which to reward you, but (drawing a package from
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