by Max Hudson
“Oh, my gawd, it’s Max Lover!” He squealed, his voice breaking as he screamed my name.
I smiled and raised a hand. He took it as a cue to come over and my heart sank. There was no point in trying to chase him away now. The truth about my life was going to come out sooner or later. It seemed like it was going to be sooner. My best bet was to embrace it, and hope that Floyd could get over it.
“I am such a huge fan. You have no idea. Oh my God, is this your boyfriend? Am I interrupting a date?” His smile was all teeth. He saw Floyd bristle and it tickled him.
“No this is a good friend of mine,” I said, politely.
“Oh man, you must be so proud of this guy. I’m not really into some of the fetish shit that you do. I mean, I don’t get off on any of that stuff, but some of your early work is fucking legendary. I never came as hard as I did when I saw Ball Busters 3. I blew my load so hard I almost killed the cat.” He chuckled, and I smiled back, but we were both putting up unconvincing fronts.
He wanted to embarrass me and Floyd, and Floyd's reaction was proof that he could at least make Floyd uncomfortable, and that was good enough for him.
“I’m happy to meet a fan. Especially out here in Utah. Most of my fans are a bit more experienced than you are.” If he wanted to throw shade, I was game.
“Experience?”
“You know, the kind of guys who have had a few real-life lovers, although it’s perfectly normal to use your mom’s sex toys to explore your sexuality while you’re still young,” I said with a smile.
The shit eating grin he’d been sporting evaporated into thin air. He was not amused, and I was fresh out of fucks to give.
“Hey, asshole,” he began, just as Janine and Doug made their way out of the bathrooms.
“Is there a problem?” Janine’s bubbly personality gave everybody pause, but it wouldn’t be enough to stop this kid. He wanted a train wreck and he was going to get it, but it wouldn’t be nearly as much fun as he expected, I would see to that.
“No, just being accosted in public by a fan.” I smiled at Janine and turned my gaze back to the “fan.”
“Jeremy? Is that you? When did you get back into town? Your mother must be so happy to have you home again,” Janine said, oblivious to the situation.
Jeremy’s skin went pale… or rather, paler than it was a moment ago, and a deep red blush began to make its way above his collar.
“He was just telling us how much he was a fan of my work,” I added.
“And what exactly is your work?” Floyd’s gruff voice was like a warning siren. This was the moment, the point of no return. I glanced over to Doug, feeling sorry that I had to end things like this. It wasn’t his fault. It was mine. I was the corrupted one here, not him.
“I’m an adult entertainer. But I think Jeremy knows me from my films,” I said.
“Adult films? As in porn?” Floyd added.
“Yes, porn. I am an adult film star, among other things. A GAY adult film star at that, so you don’t have to wonder about what kind of things dear Jeremy is into.”
“My God,” Janine grasped the beads around her neck and looked at Doug for confirmation. He nodded.
“I knew. He told me.”
“Shut up, you asshole. Fucking freak!” Jeremy yelled, his voice cracking as he tried to express his anger and embarrassment.
I looked around at all the faces around me. Doug was obviously hurt, and worried, Janine and Floyd looked exactly the way you’d expect your boyfriend’s parents to look after you told them that you’re a porn star, and Jeremy was trying to decide if it was better to fight me or run away. The only person who wasn’t wounded was me. There was nothing to wound. No regrets. What Jeremy was finding out the hard way, was that there were no soft targets when it came to me. Any attacks on me usually fell dead, but not this time. This time the collateral damage was all around me and I wouldn’t be able to walk away unscathed. I’d have to answer for this later.
Yup, it was a perfect train wreck.
“I think you should go home now, Jeremy,” Janine said, blinking away the tears in her eyes. God bless her, she was still trying to be positive, even in this fucked up situation. Doug must get it from her.
Jeremy cast a wary look at Floyd and made a hasty retreat. Floyd turned and walked away without saying another word.
“Mom...” Doug took his mother’s hand in his.
“We can talk about this in the car. I don’t think this is the place,” she said sternly. It was the first sign of disapproval I’d seen her show in the two days we’d been here.
The pair left the theater hand in hand, leaving me to bring up the rear. I tried not to take it personally. I was, after all, the one with all the secrets. We got in the car and all eyes were on me, though nobody said a word. It was a long, silent ride back to the house. Doug held my hand across the backseat the whole time. I think I would’ve been okay if he’d yelled at me or taken his parents’ side. But he didn’t. He did what he always did. He accepted it all, and that made it worse.
As soon as we pulled into the driveway, Floyd got out of the car, leaving his wife and her bundles.
“Your father is just—” Janine turned around in her seat and looked at Doug and then at me. “We are both just very, very surprised. Why didn’t you tell us, Dougy?”
“It was for him to tell, and I wanted you to get to know him before you drew any conclusions,” he said, as if he’d been thinking about it for days.
“Well, this was not what we expected,” she said, pursing her lips.
“I’m sorry. That normally doesn’t happen to me. But, occasionally, you get some jerk who wants to shame you publicly. I can’t allow people like that to get away with it. I’m not ashamed of what I do, Mrs. James. And I never hid it from Doug. I would never take advantage of him like that. But I know, not everybody can accept it,” I added, trying to take some of the heat off Doug.
Her brows furrowed together, and she let out an exhausted sigh.
“Well, what’s done is done, now. No way to put the genie back in the bottle.”
The front door swung open with a bang. Floyd was back, this time with my suitcase in hand. He threw it into the yard, scattering my few items across the lawn.
“Dad!” Doug jumped out of the car.
“What are you doing, Floyd? You’re making a scene!” Janine flew out of the car and waved her finger at her husband.
“It’s okay, I was expecting this,” I said. It wasn’t the first time this had happened to me. In fact, my “lifestyle” had been one of the main reasons why my family wanted nothing to do with me. It was okay for me to be gay, as long as I was discreet. But porn? That was too much to bear. The shame of having a gay porn star in the family was only intensified by the fact that I’d been drinking pretty heavily since I was about fourteen. If my own flesh and blood couldn’t cope, what did I expect from a guy like Floyd?
“It’s not okay,” Doug said.
“Don’t worry, I’ll go talk to him.” Janine said.
Doug caught her by the arm and pulled her back.
“Not this time, mom. It’s about time that we had a conversation,” Doug’s face clouded over as he looked toward the door where his father had retreated.
“Are you sure?”
“It’s fine. I’m fine. You two just hang out here for a while,” he said, looking at me. I walked over and took Janine by the hand.
“We’ll be fine.”
Doug turned and walked into the house. Janine and I stood in the yard, silently, waiting for some sign of fireworks. The minutes ticked by, neither of us moved. We were both consumed with concerns for Doug and Floyd, not knowing what they were saying, but sure that it was probably long overdue. I waited, my whole body tense, for the arrival of bad news.
Nothing came.
Chapter Thirteen
“Did Doug ever tell you what happened to him?”
Her voice seemed to come from nowhere. Her eyes were unfocused, looking off into
the distance.
“When?”
“With the last guy, he was serious about? It was a number of years ago,” she said.
“Not much, just that he was not a good guy and he made him very uncomfortable.”
Janine pursed her lips and nodded her head.
“That man raped my boy.”
I’d known that. I did. It wasn’t hard to put the pieces together for myself. But for some reason, as long as nobody ever said the words, it was okay. I didn’t have to feel one way or the other about it. But hearing the words, the way her voice broke over the “r” and faded at the end, was like a swift kick in the nuts. I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing.
“Floyd loves his son. He does. No matter what. No matter who he loves. But, can you imagine how it must feel to know that somebody did that to your son, and you can’t do anything about it?”
“Doug didn’t press charges?”
“He wouldn’t even admit to himself that it happened. He kept saying that things just got a little out of hand. They were just horsing around, and things went too far. It was a week before he would even admit to himself that something bad had happened to him. And then, the thought of going to the police and recounting it all over again. My son is strong, but he wasn’t ready to do that. So, time passed, and he moved away, got a new job and a new life. We just let it go,” she said.
“That’s why he’s protective,” I said softly.
“That’s why he wants to throw you out. After all of that, the first man Doug brings home is somebody… like you.”
“Not exactly an orthodontist from Connecticut,” I said with a small smile. She looked up at me and gave me one of those easy smiles that Doug was so good at throwing my way.
“No, not exactly. But, it’s so obvious that you love our Doug. And clearly, he is okay with whatever you do for a living. You’re an odd couple, but you’ve worked it out.”
“But, I’m not good enough for your son.”
It felt good to admit it to somebody other than myself.
“No, not at all. Floyd is just scared. He’s afraid that you’ll hurt Doug and he won’t be able to do anything about it. But I don’t think you will. If you were going to hurt him, you wouldn’t have told him from the beginning who you really are and what you do. That takes integrity,” she said. I felt embarrassed by her confidence.
“But, we are shocked. I can say that. I don’t know how Doug lives with you, knowing what you do. How can you do that with others and then be with him?”
This was an easy answer.
“I don’t. Doug has his limits and I have mine. Actually, it works out well. Also, it helps that Doug isn’t a big fan of porn, so he hasn’t actually seen my films. But, I’ve had to make some changes in my professional life to accommodate my relationship. And, I still get tested regularly.”
She looked skeptical. I couldn’t blame her. There was a lot of shady shit in this business. There were a lot of shady characters too. And there was nothing I could do to prove to her that I wasn’t one of them, except give her the truth.
Doug walked back out of the house, his eyes red and his face puffy. He didn’t say anything, just picked up my bag and stuffed my underwear back inside.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah, come on in. It’s fine,” he said, handing me the bag.
Janine walked over and threw her arms around her son. Doug hugged her back and wiped a few tears from his cheeks before letting her go.
“Come on boys, I think I have some pie in the icebox,” she said, linking arms between us.
I wasn’t quite so optimistic. It would take a lot more than a heart-to-heart to get Floyd to approve of me.
He stood in the front room, arms crossed over his chest, his eyes wet with unshed tears. His lips were pursed together, forcing his bottom lip into his mouth and his head hung slightly.
“Max, I owe you an apology.” His voice boomed across the house. Doug grabbed Janine’s hand and headed for the stairs. I looked over at them both and Doug nodded slightly. I felt slightly more assured, but not completely. I walked into the living room, trying to keep my body language as relaxed as possible. I didn’t want to play this wrong and make a sensitive situation worse.
“Sir?”
“I overreacted. I should’ve given you a chance to explain yourself.”
“I don’t know what to say. I didn’t intentionally lie to you. I didn’t tell you right away because… well, for obvious reasons. But, I had every intention of telling you,” I said.
“And what did you think would happen then? I would be okay with it?”
“Maybe not, but I wanted you and your wife to know that I was a decent guy.”
“What kind of decent guy sleeps with people for money?”
I didn’t know how to respond in a way that wouldn’t make things worse, so I bit my tongue.
“Did you really think that I would be okay with my only son, my baby boy, running around with some glorified prostitute? And what about Doug? How would he feel if every time you two went out some fan spotted you? Did you think about any of that?”
I took a deep breath. I didn’t have the luxury of running away this time. If I wanted to continue with Doug, I was going to have to settle things with his father. And then, whether he agreed or not, whether he liked me or not, we would have to live with the consequences.
“I did. That’s why I told him everything. I offered to show him everything. I even let him meet some of the people I work with regularly. I never lied or hid who I was or what I did. And I NEVER pressured him about ANYTHING. To be honest with you, I still don’t know why he’s with me. All I know is that when I’m with him, I feel like the best version of myself. I feel like I’m a kid again,” I swallowed hard, surprised by the depth of what I was feeling. “I feel like I’m my old self and this is my first love. It’s all so simple and easy. I just have to be myself.”
“And so, what? Are you going to keep doing this until you’re too old? And then what? Live off my son?”
“No, sir. I have a plan.” I swipe at the tears on my cheeks.
“Then what?”
“I have some investments. And I have a plan for life after my career is done.”
“What happens if you get sick?”
“I’m taking every precaution to protect us both. I have given up most of the risky stuff. I want Doug to feel comfortable when he’s with me.”
“I don’t like it,” he barked.
I nodded.
“But, you didn’t lie to me. And most importantly, you didn’t lie to him. So, I guess that counts for something. And the way you put that kid in his place, I can tell you don’t take any shit from anybody. I like that too. I still don’t approve of your career choice, but I’m willing to reserve judgment on you for a little while. Let’s see how you do,” he said.
It was as close to his seal of approval as I could ever hope for. I closed my eyes and nodded my agreement. Out of nowhere, I found myself caught up in a bear hug. I opened my eyes and realized that Floyd was hugging me. I hadn’t seen him hug his own son, and yet he was hugging me. I hadn’t been hugged by my own father since I was a little boy. The feeling was strange and overwhelming, and it broke me. Before I knew it, we were both hugging and crying, for very different reasons, I’m sure.
“Oh, this definitely calls for some pie,” Janine’s voice broke the spell of the moment and Floyd jumped away as if he’d been caught kissing another woman.
Doug followed his mother into the kitchen with a sly smile plastered on his lips.
“I thought you were going to give us a moment to talk?” Floyd growled.
“We did, but when we didn’t hear anything we decided to come down and check to make sure everything was okay,” Doug replied.
“Of course, everything is okay. Your father is a reasonable man,” Floyd explained, puffing up his chest.
“Do you want some pie, Reasonable Man?” Janine teased.
“Why not?” H
e threw his hands up and followed his wife into the kitchen. Doug hung back and wrapped his arms around my waist.
“What did you say to him?” I kissed the top of his head.
“I just told him that I understood what he was worried about, but that I wasn’t as weak or as scared as I used to be. And a big part of that was because of you. I also let him know that he didn’t have to worry about me anymore. I just needed him to believe in me and give you a chance.”
“You really said that?”
He nodded. “It’s true.”
“I don’t think so. I think I’m a better man because of you,” I confessed.
“That’s true as well.”
We both chuckled and then walked, arm in arm, into the kitchen for some pie. Despite the unpleasantness just a few minutes earlier, the rest of the evening went smoothly. We laughed, and looked at embarrassing pictures, and ate too much pie, the way I always imagined that normal couples do.
I watched Doug standing next to his silent father and his effervescent mother, and I felt blessed to be loved by him. I wasn’t sure that I deserved it, or that I ever would, but I wasn’t going to do anything to mess it up. Even if Floyd never gave me his endorsement, just being here and being accepted by him made something inside me ache. As if sensing my pain, Doug looked up at me and took my hand under the table, squeezing gently and giving me a contented smile. I couldn’t help but smile back.
Once again, I felt like the virgin in the room. For the first time in my life, I was part of a normal couple, having a normal visit, surviving a normal family squabble without it ending in disaster.
“Let’s never break up,” I whispered to Doug.
“Sounds like a plan,” he said with a smile.