by Lori L. Lake
In a low, frightened voice, Dez asked, “Jay, what is it? What’s the matter?”
Jaylynn turned, eyes blazing. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. I won’t. I can’t take it.” She closed her eyes and retreated within, backing away from Dez. When she opened her eyes again, Dez stood before her, hunched over, trying to look in her eyes.
“What do you mean?”
Jaylynn drew a deep breath. “I thought I could do this, be with you, pal around, ride with you every night. I thought I could, but I can’t. Not anymore.”
Dez stared back at her as though she’d had the wind knocked out of her. “What are you saying? You don’t want to ride with me anymore?”
“Look, you made your feelings very clear, and whether you realize it or not, now you’re sending an entirely different message to me. I could handle it when we were all business.” She leaned back until her leg bumped against the front grill of a car and shifted to put her foot up on the bumper. She rested her elbow on her knee and her head in her hand. “I just can’t ride around with you anymore, pretending I don’t feel the way I do. I can’t slow dance with you. I’m not sure I can fast dance with you.” In a strangled voice, she said, “I can’t.” She turned away to hide the tears threatening to come.
“Then don’t pretend,” Dez said. The door to the club slapped open, and a crowd of laughing men emerged, casting curious glances their way. “Come on,” Dez said impatiently, tapping her on the shoulder. “Let’s get outta here.”
“What about the rest of the crew?”
“They’ll manage,” Dez growled as she ushered Jaylynn toward the red truck.
Jaylynn was appalled at her lack of control. She had been in far more tense situations with Dez and never cracked. What has come over me? She ran her fingers through her hair and took a deep breath before stepping up into the truck. She had no idea what to expect now—much less what to do.
Dez backed out of the spot and gunned the engine out of the lot. She found she’d been holding her breath and let it out in an audible rush. She glanced over at Jaylynn who slumped silently against the passenger door. Where should I go? Dez wondered. My place? Hers? A restaurant?
“Where are you taking me?” a soft voice asked.
“I—I guess I don’t really know. Any suggestions?”
“I think I need to go home.”
Disappointment in the form of a sinking sensation hit Dez’s stomach hard, and she decided she’d made a monumental mistake. For once she wanted to talk, to attempt to express the conflicting emotions boiling up inside, regardless of the awkwardness. But what would she say? How did she really feel? With unexpected clarity, it came to her. She wanted Jaylynn—simple as that. She wanted her, and she needed to let her know, even at the risk of rejection.
She turned onto the lane that led around to Jaylynn’s house. Como Lake, glittery in the moonlight, shone in front of her. She pulled the truck to a stop and cut the engine as Jaylynn popped open the door, which illuminated the overhead lamp. Dez blinked in the harsh light. She reached across the truck cab to rest her hand lightly on Jaylynn’s knee.
“Please . . . don’t go,” she said in a choked voice. “Not just yet. Please?”
Jaylynn clicked the door closed, extinguishing the light, and Dez removed her hand reluctantly. By the dim light of the streetlamp Dez thought Jaylynn looked beautiful, her face all sharp planes and large hazel eyes, eyes that now looked haunted and unhappy. How do I say this? How do I make her understand? She swallowed nervously. “Could we walk by the lake for a while?” She held her breath waiting for Jaylynn to say no.
“Okay,” was all Jaylynn said, and with a sigh, she opened the passenger door. The overhead light startled Dez again. She hopped out of the truck, slammed the door, and was glad for the dim glow of the streetlamps.
Wordlessly they walked across the street, through the grass, across the bike path. They stopped at the lake’s edge. Dez put her hands in her pockets and looked out on the shimmery surface of the lake, smooth as glass. Jaylynn headed toward a bench and sat, pulling her feet up and wrapping her arms around her knees. Hesitantly Dez followed and sat a couple of feet away on Jaylynn’s bench.
In a quiet voice Jaylynn said, “I like to come here with my journal some evenings and watch the sun go down.”
Dez angled her body to face Jaylynn and leaned her left shoulder against the back of the bench. “If we sit here long enough, we can watch the sun come up.”
Jaylynn sighed. “Not tonight. I am way too tired.”
The normally talkative woman sat in silence watching the lake. Dez tried to see her face, but it was shrouded in darkness. Tell her, Dez thought. It’s now or never. Say something. She cleared her throat and mentally kicked herself. “Jay.”
Jaylynn cocked her head to the side and studied her. She waited a moment, and when Dez didn’t go on, she said, “I’m confused. What do you want?”
With an explosive sigh of relief, Dez said, “I want to talk about us.”
The crickets chirped in the background. Far away a car could be heard speeding into the distance, gears grinding. Dez held her breath as seconds passed and Jaylynn did not respond.
“Why now?” Jaylynn whispered.
Dez was at a loss to respond. Is Jaylynn saying it’s too late? She knew she had been slow to understand, slow to come to the understanding that she loved this woman. Love? She gulped and gripped the back of the bench hard, glad she was seated. Yes. That’s it: love. How embarrassing.
The last time she’d thought she loved someone she was betrayed, laughed at and mocked, and since then, she purposely made sure no one could get close to her. She liked it that way. No complications. No risks. She always believed she’d reconciled herself to spending life on her own. But this was different. All of the old rules of the game seemed trivial, totally inapplicable. She stood, put her hands in her pockets, and paced, taking four steps with long legs, then twirling on her heel and pacing back.
“Why does this have to be so hard for you?” Jaylynn asked.
Dez shrugged. She faced Jaylynn and turned her palms up. “I don’t know.”
“Dez, I’m not Karin.”
Dez felt like she’d been socked in the stomach. For a moment she couldn’t breathe at all, and her legs felt weak. She managed to get her breath and choke out, “How—how in the hell do you know about Karin?”
Jaylynn said simply, “Crystal told me.”
“I’m gonna kill her,” Dez said. She smacked her fist into her palm. “Why did she tell you? Why?”
“Because she cares about you. Because she wanted me to understand you a better.”
“That’s a goddamn excuse. How did she even know—dammit!” Furiously she paced back and forth in front of the bench. Jaylynn waited silently until Dez slowed down, then abruptly sat on the bench and put her head in her hands. “There was no reason for Crystal to run around spilling her guts about my life.”
“She was very worried about you at the time.”
“What the hell for?”
“For God’s sake, Dez, you’re starving yourself! Do you hear me? You’re starved! You’ve deprived yourself in every way. Food. Sleep. Love.” Jaylynn paused and stared at Dez’s passive demeanor. “Aren’t you listening?”
Dez looked up defiantly but quickly looked away. “Yeah, but I don’t have to agree.”
In a bitter voice Jaylynn said, “Look at you. You’re thin as a rail. You don’t sleep more than three or four hours a night. You work yourself to exhaustion, and most of the time you shut out all your friends.”
“What’s your point?”
Jaylynn let out an exasperated growling sound. “My point is—you don’t have to do that. Stop the punishment. You’re slowly choking the life out of yourself.” She scooted down the bench, grabbed Dez’s arm and implored, “Don’t you want to live? To be happy?”
Dez stared over at Jaylynn’s sincere face and shrugged. “I’m okay with my life.”
“You’re okay wi
th your life?” The sarcasm in Jaylynn’s voice was unmistakable. She let go of the arm she was grasping tightly. “You’re miserable! How can you not see that? How come everybody else on earth can see it so clearly—except you?”
Dez sighed. “What do you want from me, Jay?”
Abruptly Jaylynn started to cry. “Nothing,” she said, “and everything.” She quickly wiped away a tear and tried to choke back her feelings. “You don’t appreciate what gifts you have, what a gift you are. You don’t have to be alone. You don’t have to feel this way, Dez. Look at you! You don’t even defend yourself. I’ve just told you your life is shit, and you don’t even fight back.”
In a detached voice, Dez said, “Why is your life so great in comparison?”
Jaylynn squeezed her eyes shut, took a deep breath, and composed her thoughts. “I wake up most every morning feeling alive. I feel a pulse of happiness here in my heart that runs through my whole body. I look forward to the new day and wonder what interesting things will happen. Food tastes good. I feel the weather. I have energy. I talk, listen, hug, yell at people. I learn. I follow you around, watching, trying new things. I laugh. Sometimes I cry—whether you approve or not. At the end of the day, I’m tired, and when my head hits the pillow, I sleep and wake up ready to go again. That’s it. That’s my simple little life. It may not be much, but I’ve been happy with it.”
“Maybe compared to your life, mine isn’t as great, but I’m content.”
“You either need to see a psychologist or raise your expectations!”
Dez sighed again and looked away.
“You asked for it,” Jaylynn said, “you got it. Obviously you aren’t changing, no matter how much concern anyone shows. So I’m not bugging you anymore. I guess this is another area where we’ll have to agree to disagree.” She stood to leave.
“Hey, where you going?”
“I’m outta here. See you tomorrow.”
Jaylynn stomped off leaving Dez sitting on the park bench. The longer Dez sat thinking, the more upset she became. That upstart rookie thinks my life is shit. How dare she? Who does she think she is judging whether I’m happy or not?
Upon reflection though, she wondered if maybe her life was indeed shit. Am I happy? she wondered. Do I enjoy each day? She sat for a few moments, not thinking any coherent thoughts. Dez stood and faced the lake. The water was silent, no waves, no noise. All she heard was the chirping of crickets. Streetlights on the other side of the lake winked and blinked as the warm night wind blew tree limbs back and forth in front of them. I envy her. Where does she get all that energy? And why is she so upset with me? A chilling thought rose and with a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach she considered it. What if Jaylynn asked for a transfer again? What if she changed shifts? Last time they had this kind of disagreement, it resulted in a time of misery. Would that happen again?
Bone-tired and feeling depressed, she made her way back to her truck. It crossed her mind that Jaylynn was likely right about her life—or lack thereof—but she was too tired to explore it further. Tomorrow. I’ll talk to her more tomorrow.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
With a heavy heart, Dez got ready for her shift. She’d had another restless night full of awful nightmares. She dreamed again of Ryan, and though she couldn’t remember most of the dream, she awoke at five a.m. recalling a vision of his face, pale and lifeless, his eyes staring blankly up at her. She couldn’t get back to sleep after that, and now here she was before roll call, feeling so tired she almost wanted to go home sick.
“Hey, girl,” Crystal said. Dez looked up in surprise to see Crystal leaning against the bright blue locker at the end of the row. The smiling cop said, “You’re here early today.”
“On the contrary.” Dez’s voice was icy as she rooted through her locker. “You’re the early one. What’s up?”
Crystal sat down on the bench and unlaced her street shoes. “Shayna had to go in to work early, so I moseyed down here myself.”
Dez picked up an old belt and hung it up on a hook. She glanced back over her shoulder. “You’re always so full of it, Crys. You’ve never been early on purpose in your life.” She returned to sorting items in the locker.
“All right, so maybe I did have an ulterior motive.” She took off her socks and wiggled her brown toes as she relaxed on the bench. “What happened to you guys last night? Everything okay?”
Dez glared at her. “Why?”
“You two tore out of there like you were on fire. And—well, Jaylynn didn’t look any too happy. We were just—we wanted to make sure—”
“What? That I didn’t beat her or something?”
“Oooh! Groucheee. Must have been a rip-roarin’ fight, huh?”
Feeling a surge of energy, Dez got in her face and in a quiet, deadly voice said, “Who the hell do you think you are telling her about Karin? And how the hell did you know?”
Crystal rolled her eyes. “Good God! I’ve only been friends with you for what, eight, nine years? And everyone knew what Karin was all about. Come on, Dez! I could tell. Why do you think I made a point to get to know you? I saw what she’d done to you, and you didn’t deserve it.”
Dez backed away. She gripped the top of her locker door and squeezed it so hard her knuckles turned white. “You never said anything.”
“You’re a private kind of gal, mi amiga. I respect that.”
Dez sat down abruptly at the other end of the bench. “Why did you have to talk to her about that?”
“Oh, chica, you can’t even see it, can you? Nothing is so amazing as she who will not see.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Crystal slid down the bench and whispered, her face near Dez’s ear. “Listen to me—because I’m only telling you this once, and then if you must, you can go back to your self-imposed isolation.” She paused as Dez put her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands. Dez looked down at the floor, but she appeared to be listening, so Crystal went on. “That girl, she’s so much in love with you—it shows in every smile, every glance, every pore of her body. You two, you got some kind of electricity going. And if you don’t feel it, well, you’re blind, deaf, and dumb. Shayna—she laughs about this—says we’ll all be electrocuted soon if you don’t get your head out of your ass.”
Dez’s head jerked up and she glared at Crystal. “How do you know this?”
Dark eyes snapping, Crystal stood and put her hands on her hips. “Oh, pullease! For once in your pigheaded life could you trust someone else? I’m telling you, it’s the truth. Pay attention. Wake up, girl!”
In a muffled voice, Dez said, “I feel like I’m in a soap opera.”
Crystal let out a deep belly laugh. “Maybe so. Maybe you are.” She picked up her shoes and socks and padded over to the other side of the locker room. She didn’t say anything when she heard Dez open the door and leave. She shook her head and mumbled to herself, “Get a clue, Dez, before it’s too late.”
Dez found Jaylynn digging through her locker twenty minutes before roll call. “Hey, how are ya?”
Jaylynn faced her, misery etched into the worried planes of her face. She stood for a moment studying Dez.
“What?” Dez asked. She arched an eyebrow and spread her long arms out, her palms upright as though she expected rain. “All I asked is how you’re doing.”
“I can’t believe you’re still speaking to me.”
“What do you mean?”
Jaylynn shook her head. “You don’t remember last night’s conversation?”
Dez took a few steps and slid down onto the flat bench, facing Jaylynn on the rickety bench in front of her locker. She put her elbows on her knees and rubbed her eyes with her knuckles. “Yeah, I remember it clearly. Why?”
“How can you not be upset? You should be pissed at me.” Jaylynn dropped down on the other bench across from Dez. “I’m sorry. Okay? I—I said—I said some things I didn’t mean, okay? I shouldn’t have done it.” She looked as though she was about to
cry.
In a quiet voice, Dez said, “You don’t have to apologize. You were right.”
“No, Dez. I was pretty harsh. I didn’t mean it that way.”
“Yes, you did.” Dez met Jaylynn’s gaze and held it. “Aren’t you the one always telling me to be honest? You were just being honest.”
Jaylynn put her head in her hands and stared down at the floor. She looked so miserable that Dez rose and sat next to her. She nudged Jaylynn’s leg with her knee. “Hey. Stop thinking about it. I took it to mean that you cared, Jay, that you were worried about me. You didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already sort of know anyway.” When Jaylynn didn’t respond, Dez said, “Look, I’ve been a pain in the ass lately—I know. The competition is this weekend, and I’ll be less crabby when I can start eating more carbs.” She hung her head. “I haven’t been much fun these last few weeks. I’m sorry.”
“That doesn’t excuse me for how I acted—”
Dez cut her off. “Please.” She stood and leaned back against the lockers with her hands behind her. “Quit talking about it. I—I don’t want to talk about this—not now.” She ran her hand over her head smoothing back already tidy hair. “Can we just make it through tonight? Then I’m off ’til after the show. You won’t have to put up with my crankiness, okay?” She turned and headed for the locker room door.
Jaylynn hustled to throw her stuff in her locker. Her relief was so great she actually felt shaky. She’d imagined all sorts of terrible things since the night before, and to be honest, she was exhausted from lack of sleep. Dez hadn’t mentioned she was off work for the next several days, but in a way, that was okay with her. She needed a break from her intense partner, and Dez needed to get away from the stresses of the street. She locked up and raced up the stairs to roll call.
Saturday of the competition dawned clear and beautiful. Jaylynn dressed in lightweight slacks and her favorite green V-neck shirt. She ate a huge breakfast of cereal, toast, juice, and leftover fried potatoes, and she took a few minutes to pack some goodies to eat during the day.