I just couldn’t.
“Brrr. I’m going in.” Mimi took off down the hallway.
We followed her.
“You think I’m crazy, don’t you?” Jax asked.
“Because you’ll have a super classy, super cool apartment? Nope. I’m curious, though, on your home gym. Did we miss that on the tour?”
“There’s no home gym.”
“Seriously?”
“Home gyms are lonely, and I spend enough time alone. I’ll keep working out at Snow Village, or with Nolan, or at Brady’s place.”
I nudged him with my shoulder. “I thought maybe the building owner was adding a gym for the tenants.”
“Between the bars and this apartment, I’ve got enough building renovations to deal with. Every project has had added delays this week.”
“I did think your interior would be closer to done. You don’t have any flooring in here.”
He groaned. “Don’t remind me. I’m supposed to pick wall colors. I’m about to say screw it and go with white.”
“Don’t do that. It’ll end up looking sterile. You need to bring warmer tones in. What’s your flooring in this part of the layout?”
“Hardwood. Tile in the kitchen.”
Then he gazed at me with such puppy dog eyes I laughed. “What?”
“Help me? Please? I have no idea what I’m doing, which is why I haven’t done anything.”
“Do you have samples of the flooring and paint swatches?”
He walked to the kitchen and returned with a cardboard box. “All right here.”
“Excellent. Now I can help you finish your home-work while I make sure Mimi finishes hers.”
“Lucy—”
“Is it time to eat yet?” Mimi asked as she skipped into the kitchen. “’Cause I’m starved.”
“By all means, let’s get you fed before you blow away like a leaf on the wind.”
She giggled and hugged me.
Hearing her giggles still filled me with joy. She’d never been an easy child, and that’s what made these moments so important.
I glanced up at Jax. The blatant need to be a part of this haunted his face, burned in his eyes, screamed from his body language as he literally leaned closer. I gave Mimi a kiss on the head and nudged her toward her father.
* * *
• • •
After I dropped Mimi off at school the next morning, I considered playing hooky from work. The last Thursday of the month had been deemed “Thirsty Thursday” by my coworkers, and we headed out after work for cocktails and conversation.
Normally I loved hanging with my peeps. With so many bar and restaurant options in the Twin Cities, we chose a different venue every month. Tonight’s winner was Icehouse, a place I’d dropped in the hat as a suggestion.
I should have been looking forward to getting my drink on since Jax had Mimi for the night. But I couldn’t help but worry that a couple of beers might loosen my tongue and I’d ask my girls for advice on the Jax situation, because it was getting harder to ignore that pull between us.
But Jax wasn’t just my ex. He was a Lund, and I had to tread carefully on what I shared. I’d never been the type of girl who confessed all, but there were times when I wanted someone to listen and assure me that I wasn’t: a) neurotic b) crazy c) an idiot d) all three.
While Lindsey had been great the past couple of years after she’d returned to the Cities, sometimes I sensed impatience that she was the only person in my life that I could be brutally honest with.
My mood must’ve been apparent, because three of my coworkers asked me if I was all right.
Then just before lunch, Annika—aka the big boss—called me into her office.
I didn’t think anything of it, since I had meetings with her whenever we started a new campaign. But our next big PR push wasn’t for a few weeks. I’d been waiting for text from the Ad department and had brought up the issue with Lennox, my direct boss, so she could light a fire under their asses and my ass was covered.
After we’d settled in the lounge area of her office, Annika said, “You’re distracted today.”
How had she picked up on that so fast? “A little. But it’ll pass.”
She didn’t look convinced.
Since she was fishing, I said nothing, just took a sip of my soda.
“No bullshit. What’s going on with you and Jax?”
I choked on my Diet Pepsi.
“Aha! I knew it. A spit-take is a dead giveaway. Start talking.”
“Is that an official request from the head of PR to a junior-level graphic artist?” I said with an edge to my tone.
That gave her pause. “No, Lucy, it’s a request from one family member to another.”
“Please don’t take this the wrong way, Annika, but I’m not part of your family. Obviously Mimi is, but up until Jax moved back here six months ago, my contact with the other branches of the Lund family outside of work has been limited.”
“You’re saying I’m your boss, not your friend?”
I looked her in the eye and said, “Yes.”
Her crafty smile . . . I’d seen that same type on Jax’s face many times in the past month, and I braced myself.
“Fair enough. But just for a moment, let’s pretend that our connection is more than merely employer and employee. Let’s pretend that I didn’t spend an hour on the phone with my cousin Jaxson, listening to him outline a possible freelance PR project. And I’ll pretend that he didn’t mention your name, oh, at least fifty times during that conversation.”
“I’m not surprised he finally called you. I told Jax that you were the go-to person on his PR needs for the relaunches of both bars. I specifically told him that I wasn’t qualified—”
“Hold up. I’m serious, Lucy, this is not about LI or freelance work. I asked what was going on because Jax mentioned the two of you being at Mimi’s hockey practice, then about your family dinner last night as well as the excellent eye you had for color and how you’d helped him pick wall colors for his new apartment—an apartment that I just found out is in your building, a building he now owns. Add to that, I saw how you two were at brunch on Sunday and the football game the week before that, so convince me this is merely Mimi’s parents learning to get along for her sake.”
Rather than playing it off as if she had misinterpreted everything, I blurted out, “I don’t know what the hell is going on between me and Jax, okay?”
“Finally the truth.”
“For as much good as it will do you,” I muttered.
Annika leaned forward. “I recognize that look. The one that says you need to talk but you have no one to talk to.”
I must’ve appeared taken aback by her dead-on assessment, because she laughed.
“I’ve been there. Actually I was in that situation for six months with Axl, when we were together but had to keep it under wraps.” Unconsciously her fingers sought the necklace with the diamond-encrusted letter A that hung above her cleavage. “Although my issue wasn’t questioning how I felt about him. I knew I loved him. I think you’re in that questioning-your-feelings stage, aren’t you?”
“Yes. It doesn’t get any clearer even when I can break everything down, piece by piece: my fears, my hopes, my happiness.”
“Happiness?”
“Happiness that the Jax I knew before and fell for has reemerged. Only he’s better, which is both awesome and it sucks because it immediately kicks in my doubts that he could’ve changed that much, become that much better of a man. So one moment I’m good with how I feel and the next I’m like . . . inconsistent much?”
Annika didn’t say anything.
“Jax’s subtle ways of letting me know he wants more have gotten less subtle. He hasn’t given me more than a peck on the mouth, but the ways he’s reminded me of the intimacy we used to hav
e, and could have again, have been more effective and powerful than if he would’ve stripped me bare and fucked me senseless.” The instant that left my mouth I wished I could take it back . . . because hello? I was blabbing about my sex life to my boss.
Former sex life, my libido piped up snarkily.
“Sorry, Annika, that was—”
“Honest and a relief to admit, I imagine.”
I nodded.
“Don’t apologize. Right now, regardless of your mistaken assumption, I am your friend, not your boss. And nothing you tell me will ever leave this room.”
I did trust her, which was odd given the fact Jax was her cousin and the Lunds circled their own.
“You had a family dinner last night,” she prompted.
“Yes. Meals aren’t something we usually share as a family. I made a pork and noodle dish. Comfort food, you know? Because Jax was super tense during Mimi’s first hockey practice and he’d had a bunch of setbacks with his projects. We finally toured his apartment, which is pretty spectacular, by the way. When we came down to eat, I cracked open a beer without thinking. I mean, I didn’t offer him one, but I had to ask if it bothered him that I was drinking.”
“What did he say?”
“That it would only bug him if I planned on kissing him later.”
Annika laughed.
“Annika, it’s not funny! I got so stupidly flustered, like a teenage girl faced with making out with her crush for the first time.”
“How did Jax react to you being flustered?”
“Cocky. But before that . . .” I twisted my bracelet around my wrist, unsure if I should bring up Jax’s confession of abstinence.
“Lucy?”
I looked up at her.
“I won’t push you to talk if you’re uncomfortable. But nothing you tell me could make me any more uncomfortable than that first day you interviewed here and I learned some hard truths about Jax and his dishonesty in his dealings with you and Mimi. I hated that he’d manipulated his entire family. I couldn’t let it go; it pissed me off to no appreciable end. So I grilled Nolan, and he admitted he’d confronted Jax about his behavior during that time and they’d had a falling-out that lasted a year.” She threw her hands up. “A freaking year that two Lund brothers weren’t speaking to each other and none of the rest of us noticed. That fried my circuits, big-time.”
That shocked the crap out of me. I hadn’t known that Nolan had actually called his hockey hero brother out on his booze-and-broads problems. “When did you have this talk with Nolan?”
“Right after I’d hired you. Then Nolan dropped the bomb that Jax had recently gone through rehab.”
My jaw dropped. “You knew?”
“That was the first time I’d heard that Jax had a drinking problem.” She sent me a sad smile. “I wanted to tell you, because I thought you of all people needed to be aware of it, but it wasn’t my issue to disclose. However, I strongly suggested Nolan push Jax to talk to you about it ASAP, since it might impact your custody agreement, not to mention it might change the way you and Jax interacted.”
I cocked an eyebrow at her. “Is this your way of proving to me that you’re trustworthy?”
She shrugged. “Just relaying the facts.”
“Part of the reason I got so flustered by Jax’s kiss comment last night was because earlier he’d told me that he hasn’t been with a woman since he went through treatment.”
Annika’s eyes widened. “You’re kidding.”
“No. That’s what he told me.”
“Do you believe him?”
His expression of embarrassment popped into my head. “Yes, I actually do. That’s why I’m in this state. The attraction between us is still there. If we slept together . . . would it be because I’m a safe choice for him to reclaim his sexuality? And would I jump on board with the smexing because I need to prove to myself that I’m enough that he won’t stray this time?”
She remained quiet and contemplative for several long moments. Then she sighed. “I hope talking about this has helped you, Lucy, because I have no advice to give you. None. Jesus. I’m sorry. And you haven’t even mentioned how it might affect Mimi if you guys got back together and then broke up again.”
“Exactly. So that’s why I’m a little distracted today.” I managed a smile. “But it’ll pass. I promise. And believe it or not, before you called me in here, I was trying like hell not to think about it.”
“Sorry. I’m a fixer.”
“And a meddler,” I retorted.
“I blame my mother for that trait.” Annika gave me another considering look. “Aunt Edie didn’t live up to her reputation as a human bulldozer when it came to Mimi?”
I shook my head. “She’s been wonderful since the day Mimi was born. In fact, she saw Mimi before Jax did. Edie knew what was up with her son, but she’s his mother. She had no choice but to support him. The only time I kept Mimi away from her grandparents and her uncle was after Jax threatened to sue for custody. I refused to allow Mimi contact with any member of the Lund family until that was resolved in my favor.” I’d been so scared they’d just take her and I’d never see her again because the Lund family did have that kind of money and power.
Annika sighed. “Like I’ve told you before, no one in our family knew what was going on during that time. Now I suspect it was because Edie and Archer were mortified by Jax’s behavior and they hoped he’d straighten up before anyone realized what a drunken, belligerent asshole their son had become.”
“You’re probably right.”
“Anyway, you’re distracted—with good reason—so I’m enforcing a mental health day on you.”
“Annika—”
“Huh-uh. This is the part where I’m your boss and this is an order. March yourself down to HR and Soon-Yi will give you a certificate for a massage. Then get a mani-pedi and go home and take an uninterrupted nap. Jax mentioned he had Mimi overnight because of your girls’ night.” She winked. “And you’re welcome for me saving you from Thirsty Thursday by sending you home. I know when I’m dealing with major decisions, I’d rather be alone with my thoughts than in a crowd.”
“Thank you, Annika. For everything today. I feel a little more settled after your impromptu therapy session.”
“Anytime.” She leaned over and squeezed my hand. “I mean that. Whenever and wherever you need to talk, I’m there for you.”
“Same goes.”
“Remember you said that when my man is gone and I wanna get my drink on to forget he’s on the road.”
* * *
• • •
The day I’d dreaded turned out to be blissful.
After a massage, a facial, a mani-pedi, a deep-conditioning treatment for my hair and a decadent late lunch complete with dessert, I returned home. While I missed Mimi, the silence in the apartment was a welcome change. I napped, fully naked, something I couldn’t do with Mimi around, and when I woke up, I cracked a small bottle of prosecco I’d been saving.
Lounging on my couch in my robe, sipping bubbly, listening to random tunes on Pandora . . . I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been so relaxed.
My cell phone buzzed on the coffee table. I leaned over to see a text message from Jax.
JL: Hey Lucy Q. I know you’re out whooping it up tonight, but could you bring Mimi’s equipment bag to hockey practice tomorrow afternoon? We forgot it ☹
ME: NP. But I didn’t go out, I’m home.
JL: Are you OK?
ME: I just needed a mental health day.
JL: Because of work? Or Mimi? Or . . . me?
I snorted, seeing he’d listed himself as the last possible source of my emotional rollercoaster.
ME: Definitely you ☺ I have lots of things to think about.
JL: What can I do? Do you need me 2 bring you food?
It wasn’t like I could ask him to swing by the liquor store for more prosecco.
ME: I’m fine. Listening to tunes, having a cocktail. Hey, you know what song just came on? Lose My Breath by Destiny’s Child. Remember when we danced to it?
JL: Like I could EVER 4-get that nite.
I squinted at my phone, looking for the innocent blinky eyes emoji. Aw, screw it. I sent the text without the emoji.
ME: You can’t forget because I asked if you were a stripper?
His response was slower. The “. . . ” flashed at me for several long moments.
I topped off my glass and set my phone aside, picking up the trashy entertainment magazine that was my guilty pleasure. Then my phone buzzed. Twice.
Don’t look. Just keep flipping pages.
But I was curious, so I checked the message.
JL: Because that’s when I knew you were the only one for me ♥
JL: Then and now.
“Oh please.” I snorted and then texted him a GIF of some TV actress snorting. Because I found it funny, I sent him a different one. And then another one.
And that’s when my phone rang.
Shit.
I answered it with, “Aren’t you supposed to be watching our daughter and not spending all your time screwing around on your phone?”
“I am watching her. She’s in the kitchen finishing the dishes.”
“Wait. Mimi is doing the dishes?”
“Yes.” He paused. “Don’t you have her load the dishwasher after supper?”
It was less hassle just to do it myself. But I wasn’t going to admit that to him. “Why did you call?”
“Seriously, Luce? After you sent me the GIF with the woman laughing like a donkey?”
I snickered. “I love that one.”
“I figured you did since you sent it to me five times.”
“I did not! I sent it once. Maybe twice.”
“Scroll back through the message thread if you don’t believe me.” Another pause. “Are you okay?”
I Want You Back Page 21