by Tara Sue Me
One, I don’t do anything because I am afraid. Basically, this is me my entire life, or at least me since I realized I was in love with Darcy. I keep us exactly where we are because I don’t want to take a step further and find out we aren’t compatible as lovers and then lose her as a friend. It made sense then, but it doesn’t make sense anymore.
Option two, I let Tate have her. There’s no arguing about it, this is what I should do, this is the option I should pick. She gets what she wants and he gets what he wants, but what about me? If I think I’m the best option for Darcy and she’s the best option for me, don’t we at least deserve the opportunity to decide for ourselves if we might actually end up being the best thing for each other?
Option three, we move forward with that. We give in and walk the path not taken. Let’s be perfectly honest, we tried it out on her couch and we both seemed to be enjoying ourselves an awful lot before we stopped.
My heart races as I think about the possibilities. I’m getting more excited than I have in a long time. My heart wants to hope. What once seemed impossible, now appears might happen. Or at least it has the potential to happen. Hope grows inside me and I can’t stop it. I keep imagining it. It’s so real, I can feel it and imagine it in my head. Hell, my arms feel her in them.
Before I go to bed that night, I have a plan. A plan to show Darcy exactly what we would be like together. I plan to tempt her. I plan to tease her. And damn it all, if she wants the same, I plan to taste her.
I’m going to show her exactly what I can offer that Tate never can. And by Sunday morning, she’ll be mine.
Chapter Seventeen: Darcy
“ Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.” Washington Irving
It’s six o’clock on a Wednesday night, about two weeks after my weekend visit to Tate’s. A cousin of mine is coming into town briefly and she asked if I’d be able to have dinner. Of course I arrive at the restaurant way too early. I sit on a couch in the lobby of the hotel the restaurant is in and settle in to wait. As I reach to pull the book I’m reading out of my purse, I happen to look up and see someone familiar walking toward me.
It takes me a few seconds to realize who it is and I’m a bit shocked when I do.
O2.
Alice, I have to call her Alice.
She’s frowning as she approaches.
I give her a grin. I honestly don’t mind her now that she’s not with my best friend anymore. “Hello, Alice. How are you?”
“I’m good,” she says. “Waiting for somebody.”
“Me, too. Would you like to have a seat and wait with me?” I gesture to the empty place by my side.
She looks around and takes the spot next to me. “May as well, I’m a little early.”
“I’m always early. Character flaw.”
I’d said it to try a get a laugh or at least a grin out of her, but she’s looking at me funny. Unsure of what to do, I just smile.
“How is Elliott doing?” she asks.
Strange, but it’s not until she asks that question, I realize he hasn’t seen anybody since he took Kara out on that awful date. Going that long without dating is not like him at all. He always has a woman hanging onto him. Unfortunately, Alice takes my hesitation for something else.
“Is he okay?” she asks.
“Yes, sorry,” I answer. “It’s just I haven’t seen him with anyone lately, or even heard him talk about anyone, and that’s kind of odd.”
She snorts.
Having expected any answer other than a snort, I look at her and raise an eyebrow. “What was that for?”
“Only you would think that was kind of odd,” she says, and I swear there’s bitterness in her voice.
“What does that mean?”
“Come on Darcy, you’re not that stupid are you?” She tosses her head. “Really? What, do you get off on pretending like you have no idea what I’m talking about?”
“I assure you have no idea what you’re talking about.” I’m pissed she thinks I’m lying.
“If you have to have it spelled out for you, I’ll go ahead and tell you,” she says with a roll of her eyes. I bite my tongue so she’ll keep talking. “Only you would think it’s odd that Elliott hasn’t been dating anybody lately, because it’s only you that he wants to date.”
I want to act as if I didn’t hear right, or that I don’t know what she means, but I can’t. Because as soon she says it, I know she’s speaking the truth. It hits me, like I’ve known all along and was waiting for someone to speak it out loud for me.
Elliott doesn’t want a flavor of the month.
Elliott doesn’t want me to find him a date.
Elliott wants me.
“Oh, my God,” Alice whispers. “You really didn’t know, did you?”
I can’t speak. It’s all I can do to draw air into my lungs. I think I shake my head in response to her question, but in all honesty, I’m not really sure. It’s suddenly very warm in the lobby and only growing warmer by the second.
I have to get out of here.
That’s the only thought in my head I can make sense of, and I repeat it to myself over and over. I stand up and don’t even bother to look for my keys. I don’t need them, I’ll have the hotel call me a cab.
“Darcy?” Alice calls as I walk away. “Are you okay?”
I wave her off as I leave, or at least that’s what I think I do. Everything is a blur. I walk the necessary steps to the concierge desk and ask for a cab. The man lifts his head and the way his eyes widen confirm I indeed must look as bad as I feel.
Fortunately, he’s too good at his job to ask me what the hell’s wrong with me. When my cousin first asked me to dinner and I discovered she wasn’t staying at one of my company’s hotels, I gave her all kinds of shit. Now I’m thankful she’s not because the one good thing about her staying here is that I don’t know any of the staff.
I have the sense of mind to send her a text from the cab telling her I’m sick and had to go home. Totally unaware, her reply is quick to tell me she hopes I feel better soon and that we’ll catch up the next time she’s in town.
By the time I make it to my townhouse, I’m clueless as to what to do. If the situation didn’t involve Elliott, normally I’d call him. I can’t do that, obviously, and this isn’t something I’m going to text Tate about either.
I’m not hungry and I no longer feel like reading. I finally decide to take a shower and go to bed at an ungodly early hour. When I wake up, I’m shocked at how easy it was for me to fall asleep. I’m also in a much better mood, because in the seconds before I fell asleep, I decided what I was going to do about Elliott.
Nothing.
* * *
The next morning, I can’t help but wonder if my realization about Elliott’s feelings have not somehow been spread across the city to where he lives. It’s not even nine o’clock yet, I’m only on my first cup coffee, and yet my phone is ringing and it has his number across the display. I let it ring longer than I normally do, and when I pick up and say hello, he answers with, “I didn’t think you were going to answer.”
I give a weak chuckle and lie. “Sorry, I just ran back from the break room.”
“No worries,” he says, sounding a lot happier than he normally does. At least recently anyway.
“It’s awful early for you to be this chipper. I normally don’t hear from you until you’ve consumed a whole pot of coffee. What’s the occasion today?”
He laughs, and it’s his real laugh, the one I’m used to hearing, not the one of the last few months. The fake one he doesn’t even realize that I know it’s fake. “I’m feeling good, is all,” he says. “Can’t I do that?”
I lean back in my chair. “Of course you can. It’s just I missed you. You haven’t been in the best of moods lately. I’m kinda shocked at the difference.”
“Well, this is the new and improved me. The new and improved Elliott.”
“Bring him on,” I say. “
I can already tell I like him a lot better than the grumpy one.”
I hope he’s not able to hear how nervous I am, just talking to him over the phone. It’s probably unlikely, but if he does notice a difference, I hope he’ll think it’s coming from something else. Maybe something work-related. Or maybe he’ll think I’m having trouble with Tate. Anything’s better than him knowing the truth. I think.
I don’t know if I should bring it up. Or if I should keep waiting for him. Hell, I don’t know anything.
“I’m glad to hear you say that,” Elliott says. I wonder what was I said. But I don’t have time to ask before he continues, “In fact, I’m calling to see if you would like to meet the new and improved me.”
He pauses then, a slight hesitation. But no, that’s not it, it sounds more like the hitching of his breath, as if he’s afraid or unsure of what to say next.
“Elliott?” I ask.
“Sorry,” he says. “Someone came into my office.”
That’s not the case, but I let it slide.
“Can you and I get together sometime Monday night?” he asks.
“Sure,” I reply. “But if you’re not busy, I can get together this weekend.”
“You don’t have a date with Tate?”
“No, he has something he has to do there at the camp, and I can’t go up this weekend.”
“I wasn’t aware of that,” he says. “I’d love to get together with you sometime. As long as you don’t mind that Carsen will be coming into town and is staying with me over the weekend.”
Carsen is his younger sister, who lives in Nashville. She’s two and a half years younger than us and moved to Tennessee about eighteen months ago with little more than her guitar and dreams of hitting it big. Elliott is trying to be supportive, but inside he’d love nothing more than for her to come home. She’s crazy good, but everyone is in Nashville and it takes so much more than talent to make it work as a professional artist.
“I haven’t seen her since she moved,” I tell him. “I’d love to spend some time with her.”
“She’d love to see you, too,” he says. “She’s only been home that one time since she moved.”
“Where was I then?”
“I think that was when you had the grand opening in Germany.”
“Right.” That’s one of the reasons I’m trying to get my position changed. I’m tired of always traveling. It feels like I’m missing half my life. Traveling everywhere has been a lot of fun and I’m thankful my job has allowed me the opportunity to do so, but it’s time for me to settle down. I’ve been thinking about it for months, but only did something about it recently. “What’s she coming home for? I can’t imagine it’s just to say hello since she rarely comes back.”
“Her best friend’s getting married and they’re having an engagement party Saturday night.”
“Saturday night?” I ask.
“Yeah,” he says. “We'll have to do something early. Maybe around two or three?”
Since the party was Saturday night, I probably won’t be able to spend a lot of time with her which is too bad. Carsen is full of life and and so much fun to be around. While we were growing up, usually it was only the two of us, Elliott and me. Carsen was always off doing her own thing. It wasn’t until she went off to college that we started to hang out together.
“I know,” I say. “We could go to that new dairy free ice cream parlor near your place. She's still a vegan, right?”
“Year two,” he says. “I'm thinking she's not going to change her mind.”
“Then dairy-free ice cream it is.”
He grunts. He’s not fond of vegan food and only puts up with it because of his sister. “Great, I can hardly wait. Seriously, how is that even a thing? Can you legally call it ice cream if it doesn’t have any real milk in it?”
I laugh because it’s so nice to have my Elliott back. The one who jokes with me and is lighthearted. This is who I know. This is the Elliott I’m comfortable with. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve both been through rough times in our lives and we’ve always been there for each other. But fortunately, grief has not played a large role in our life.
“What would I do without you?” I ask before I can stop myself.
“You wouldn’t have anyone hounding you about fake ice cream that’s for sure.”
I’m glad his answer is a light and jovial response and not at all deep and philosophical because the truth is, I can’t imagine a world without Elliott and I’m not even able to think about my life without him in it. The truth of how lost I’d be without him, strikes deeply, it hurts and that means I need to relook at a lot of things. But not right now.
“Say all you want about nondairy and how it makes fake ice cream, but let’s not forget whose sister we’re discussing.”
“Trust me,” he says. “There’s no forgetting that.”
* * *
The fake ice cream date on Saturday is exactly as much fun as I thought it’d be. Carsen is still just as much of a character as she’s always been, full of life and stories about all the interesting people she’s met so far and the even more interesting people she works and lives with.
“You have how many women sharing that apartment?” is repeated by Elliott at least five times.
But as we’d suspected would happen, she has to cut out early to get ready for the engagement party.
“When’s the wedding?” I ask Elliott when she leaves and it’s only the two of us in the red-leathered booth the three of us had been sharing.
“Sometime next May, I believe,” he says. “I’m hoping it’ll mean she’ll come home more often, but I’m not counting on it.”
“It’s hard when you feel as if you’re being pulled in two directions, isn’t it?” I ask, seeing his dilemma written all over his face. “The part of you that wants her to spread her wings and make her own way, even if it is in Nashville, and the other part of you that wants her to stay home forever and never change.”
“Yes,” he replies, shaking his head. “It’s exactly like that. I want her here and I want her in Nashville living her dream. But I know how hard it is to make it in the music industry and the sad fact is, most people aren’t going to end up with recording deals. I hate knowing the odds are stacked against her because she wants this so much. I’d move heaven and earth for her if I could, but there’s not a damn thing I can do to help her.”
He looks so dejected, sitting across from me in the now quiet booth that moments ago was filled with his sister’s laughter. I can’t help it. I stand up and walk the few steps to his side and slide in next to him.
I put my arm around his shoulder and he leans his head against mine. “You are helping her,” I tell him. “You’re supporting her by listening to her and being there when she needs you. You aren’t nagging her and telling her what she needs to do because it’s what you think is best. You’re a wonderful big brother.”
“Thank you, Darc,” he says, not moving his head. “I really needed to hear that.”
“I know you did,” I say.
It's both odd and completely natural feeling to be sitting like this in an ice cream shop. It's also familiar and yet different to be holding Elliott this way. From the little things to the big ones, we've always been them together. But it's been years since he last allowed himself to just lean on me.
As far as I know, it could be years before he does so again. I close my eyes in order to make certain I remember everything in detail. The heat of his body so close to mine. The feel of his muscles I could trace if I wanted, hidden under the soft cotton of his shirt. The smell of him. That Elliott scent no one else in the world has. It's the smell of happiness and home and acceptance, all mixed with something else I don't know how to label, but I would recognize it anywhere. All that together is the scent of Elliott.
He pulls back slightly. “Are you sniffing me?”
“Yes,” I tell him and giggle. “And you messed me up. Get back where you were.”
He tilts his head
, says, “Okay,” and relaxes once more against me.
But it's not the same. Something changed from the time he lifted his head up and the few seconds before he put it back down. He's not quite as relaxed. He doesn't seem as comfortable. I surprise myself by not getting upset at the change, but focusing on the fact that there had been a change. That there was something to change from.
Maybe we can stay this way a little bit longer and pretend it's only the two of us again like we were when we were young, and had no responsibilities, and our biggest fear was the possibility of a pop quiz for something we forgot to study.
Yet even as I think that, I know it's impossible. And to be honest, I don't want to go back to that time or to the person I was then. I like who I've turned out to be and I like where my life is heading. Most days anyway.
Elliott takes a deep breath, and I'm startled to realize he's been thinking about something as hard as I have been.
“Penny for your thoughts?” I ask while wondering if he'll truly tell me what he was thinking or if he'll make something up so he can hide the truth a bit longer.
“I want you to do something for me, Darcy,” he says, not lifting his head.
“You know I’ll do anything for you,” I say, leaning my head a bit, just enough to lightly touch his.
“I was thinking about making another dare with you. But this time it won’t involve anyone else. It'll only be the two of us.”
His voice is very serious even though I think he’s talking about the lighthearted dare when we set each other up. Although seeing how serious things seem to be getting between Tate and me, maybe it wasn’t so lighthearted. Either way, the matter-of-fact tone of voice he’s using is almost enough to send me into flight or fight mode. My choice for rebuttal is to lighten the conversation.
“Are we certain the world can handle the two of us?” I tease.
“I'm not sure,” he says, still all serious. “Not sure at all, but I'd really like to see if it could.”