by Brenda Ford
“No, it isn’t your fault.” I immediately shake my head to let Bella know that none of this is to do with her. I don’t know what it is exactly, but she is in this state because of me. I need to be the one to go over to her house and try to make this right. I doubt I will be welcomed, but right now that’s beside the point. “Don’t worry, I will see what I can find out.”
I head back to my office, but I don’t sit back in my chair. I’m restless now, unable to sit still. I need to pace up and down while I try my hardest to wrap my head around everything that’s going on. There is a mystery on my hands, one that only I can solve…
So, what the hell am I doing standing here? I smack my palm to my forehead. I need to go.
There is no point in hanging around here just waiting for the right moment. I should go now. I am the boss here after all, I don’t need to wait for permission to leave. I grab my car keys and head towards the exit, pausing only once more by Bella’s desk to let her know.
“I’m leaving,” I tell her in a slightly garbled, panicked voice. “To see Sara.”
“Right okay.” She blows out a low breath. “Good luck. I hope she speaks to you.”
“Hmm, me too.” Fucking hell, I really hope that happens. It will kill me if not. “Me too.”
In my car my mind races, I start thinking all the worst possible scenarios that I could be about to face here. I start seeing Sara in a critically ill state with no one to take care of her, I imagine her in the middle of a mental break down fueled by hatred for me, I see her really struggling to breathe, dying and she doesn’t have anyone to save her…
“Stop it, it won’t be that,” I growl gravely to myself. “She will just be sick. Worst case scenario, she is avoiding work because she doesn’t want to see you. That will be it.”
But it doesn’t matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, by the time I pull up outside of Sara’s home I’m not calm at all. My head is spinning, my brain all over the place, my heart pounds heavily against my chest, basically slamming hard against my lungs so I can’t breathe as well. I don’t know how I will handle this. Especially if it’s as bad as it feels right now. But if I don’t at least knock on Sara’s door, then I guess I will never know and the not knowing is absolutely killing me. It’s destroying me from the inside out.
“Come on.” I push myself out of the car, forcing myself to do this. “Come on already.”
Each step feels like I have led in my legs, making it incredibly challenging. But I just about manage it. I make it to Sara’s front door, and I knock hard. Probably a bit too hard if I’m honest. The knocking is so loud it even has me wincing and I’m the one doing it…. but thankfully, it has the desired effect. The door opens and there I see Sara for the first time in days.
Shit. She takes my breath away. Admittedly, she doesn’t look one hundred percent well, but she’s still stunning. She floors me, even more than usual because it’s been a while since I saw her. My heart races, I feel the intense flush of love washing over me again. Oh wow.
“What are you doing here?” Sara snaps as she folds her arms across herself. I guess the time apart hasn’t had the same effect on her. “I am sick. I’ve told the human resources team. I don’t think that it’s right for you to come to my home and try to pressure me back to work.”
“That’s not why I’m here,” I insist. “I’m here because I want to check in on you.”
“Right… well, I’m okay. You have seen me now, so you can get out of here.”
She goes to close the door, but I press my hand against the wood to stop her. I can’t let this conversation end like this. Communication is a real issue for me and Sara, it always has been ever since we first slept together. That’s something we desperately need to address. Starting from now. We need to really work together to make things right.
“No, please, Sara. Please, talk to me. I don’t want to keep walking away from one another like this. I want to know what’s going on with you. I want to know what’s happening.”
“I’m sick.” She offers me a one shouldered shrug. “What more do you need to know?”
“How are you sick? What’s happening? I mean, is it serious? You have been off for nine days which is nothing like you at all. I just want to know if I should be worried.”
She sighs loudly. “I will be back to work as soon as I can.” Her voice is calm and considered. Almost as if she is doing everything that she can not to fall apart and yell at me. Again. “I know that nine days is a long time, but I am entitled to it. I’m allowed that…”
“I know, I know.” Again, I can’t seem to say anything right. “I’m not saying that. I’m just trying to work out what I can do to help you. I want to make sure you are okay.”
“I’m fine.” She bites down on her bottom lip which is the moment I spot tears in her eyes. I have made her cry again. I hate myself for this. “I just want to be left alone.”
“Sara, I’m freaking out here.” I rake my fingers through my hair. “I’m really worried about you. This is hard on me, I don’t know what to do, all I want to do is make it right.” She is silent, just listening to me, which I don’t know if I have had before so I need to take full advantage of it. “I know that I have made some mistakes, a lot of mistakes actually, but I don’t want the bond that me and you share to be wrecked completely. I think we can get it back.”
“Mistake?” she says slowly. “So, you’re admitting that me and you were a mistake?”
“I didn’t mean it like that.” Why can’t I just say something right? “I just mean…”
“Well, if that’s the case, then I’m going to inform you that you can’t just stick a band aid over it. It isn’t going to work. You have responsibilities. Ones that you can’t escape from.”
“Huh?” What the hell is she talking about? I know that it seems like I am bad at communication, but this is something else. This doesn’t even make any sense. “What do you mean? I don’t understand, Sara. I know that this isn’t going to be something easy and straight forward, but I’m willing to put the work in to make things right. I will do what I need to.”
She looks at me with wet sad eyes and shakes her head. “Just forget about it, Ryan. This isn’t going to work out, is it? We can’t just keep on going down this path, can we? Clearly, being around one another isn’t healthy for either of us, so I don’t think that I should come back to work at all. I think this is time for me to quit and to move on.”
“No.” I shake my head hard, determined not to let this happen. “No way. I don’t accept your resignation. I can’t. I refuse to. You have to come back to work. We have to sort this out.”
“It’s beyond that, okay? I keep trying to tell you that it’s done, so just accept it.”
She starts to close the door again, but I’m not going to let that happen. I continue to hold the door open and stare at her, trying to silently communicate that this isn’t going away. She might want to fight me on it, but it isn’t going to happen. I can’t let it fade away.
“What is going on, Sara? Just tell me, okay? What the hell is happening here?”
She shakes her head again and her eyes hit the floor, but I don’t move. I don’t go anywhere, because I have a feeling that she might be about to crack at last. I might have gotten through to her that I am not going anywhere until she tells me the truth…
“Fine. Whatever.” She breathes deep. “I will tell you. I’m pregnant, Ryan, okay?”
What the hell? The world spins and twists underneath me, I am in shock. I don’t know how to even take those words in, they totally overwhelm me. Oh my God.
Chapter 16 – Sara
I watch Ryan’s face fall and his whole body change to communicate disappointment. Just as I was expecting. This is why I have avoided the office ever since I found out and why I definitely won’t be going back now. Because I just knew that I would get this reaction from Ryan. Of course he doesn’t want to go through this with me, of course he doesn’t want a child with me, be
cause I was just a one night stand to him. A short, meaningless fling. The only reason that he is here now is because of work. The only thing he really cares about.
“So, now you know.” The silence is getting too much for me. I need to break it. “Now you know why you can’t just put a band aid over it. Because your little fucking ‘mistake’…” I even do the air quotes for effect. Not that it grabs his attention at all. “Has led to a life time of responsibility. Now is the time to act, Ryan. This is the future for you…”
Fucking hell, he is still giving me nothing. It’s like he has gone in to shock or something. Sure, I was surprised when I got the news, but that’s because it’s happening to my body. This asshole can choose to walk away from me if he wants to and I think that he might.
Oh God. My stomach churns and practically falls out of my ass. I knew that this was coming, but somehow the reality of it actually unfolding in front of me is too much to bear. The tears have already started falling down my face, I’m beyond holding them inside any longer, but I don’t want to collapse to the floor in front of him. My knees want to give way, but I can’t let them. I need to keep up right until I have gotten rid of him which I need to do now.
What did you think was going to happen? I scold myself, knowing that I am still living in this fantasy world. I guess that even if I don’t want to admit it, there has always been a small part of me that has clung on to the romantic fantasy that he would come to my place and sweep me off my feet. That he would be glad to know that I am having his baby and that we would ride off in to the fucking sun set on a white horse to a happy ever after like a kid’s movie.
I hate myself for falling in to that pit once more. I feel like an idiot once more. Ryan Wilson has made a fool out of me one too many times and now he is staring at me open mouthed with shock on his face. I can’t look at him any longer because the knife is twisting too hard in my gut. It’s killing me. I might throw up all over him if I am not careful.
“Just get out of here,” I growl, not showing nearly as much anger as I would like to. “Just get the hell out of here, will you? This conversation is over, do you understand me? The reaction that you have given me right now tells me everything that I need to know. You aren’t interested, you don’t want to turn a stupid fling in to something more serious, which is fine. I didn’t want to tell you about the baby anyway because I don’t want you to feel tied to me and my child.” I hold my stomach protectively almost as an automatic reaction. It might have taken me a while to get used to the idea of becoming a mother, but a maternal instinct that I didn’t even know I had kicked in and now I love the child more than anything else in the world. Knowing that it’s the two of us against the world just makes it so much better. Sure, I don’t know how motherhood is going to affect my career, but as far as I am concerned, Ryan has taught me that work definitely isn’t the most important thing on the planet. “I don’t expect anything from you, I don’t want anything from you either. Whether it be time or financial support. I don’t need it.” The quieter he remains, the angrier I get. “I don’t need anything. So, get the hell away from me and never come back to see me again. I am done.”
Still he says nothing. He stands there with that stupid look still on his face. I have just told him that he isn’t to have anything to do with me and his child again and he can’t seem to muster up any words. I’m starting to wonder what I ever saw in this man. How could I have ever liked him when he’s weak and pathetic? When there isn’t anything about him at all. I’m ashamed of myself. I am gutted that I allowed myself to get so lost in a fantasy. Never again.
I take the door between my fingers and slam the door so hard it practically shakes the walls of the building. This time, Ryan does nothing to stop me. Of course not, he doesn’t care to keep speaking to me now, and why would he? He isn’t going to get anything positive from it. He must see now that he won’t get me working back at his precious office, so he is done.
The fact that he doesn’t care at all does crush me, I would have to be made of stone not to feel that way, but I don’t let it take me by the front door where he can hear me. Instead, I make my way to the bedroom and I collapse on to the sheets to let out a wail and a cry. I finally give in to the sorrow, to the sympathy that I feel for myself, and I weep like a freaking baby.
I curl around myself and hold on to my belly, trying to take some comfort from my baby. At least I wasn’t completely alone in this. Sure, it wasn’t going to be the easiest situation, but I had the inner strength to handle it. Ryan might have made me weak right now, but that’s okay. I know that I can build myself back up again. I know that it’s possible.
“Don’t be a fool for him,” I remind myself through the tears. “Just don’t. He isn’t worth it.”
I force myself back off the bed and I tip toe over to the window. I don’t want him to catch me peering if he is still out there, so I really peep carefully, but of course he’s gone. His car is gone as well. I should have guessed. I mean, why wouldn’t he run at the first opportunity? I’m sure he was in that car by the time I had slammed the door and speeding away, leaving just a trail of fucking dust behind him. Asshole, I absolutely hate him, he’s disgusting.
“Don’t cry again,” I tell myself fiercely. “He has proven himself completely worthless, so it’s good that he’s gone. It’s best for me to find out how shitty he is now.”
I nod along and try to convince myself of that, but I don’t know if I really feel it. I need to take action, to do something positive because then I will feel like I am doing something good, something worth while. I need that so I can start the healing process.
I grab my cell phone, finally ready to call Mr. Arnold back. He pretty much offered me the job right away, but I told him that I just needed a moment to think about it. I confessed the pregnancy to him because although I know the doctor will keep it a secret, I can’t in all good conscience go in to a job with that big secret. I would only have to tell them soon enough anyway. But Mr. Arnold has been fantastic about it. He said that the company has a great maternity program and that they also have an on site nursery to look after children should mothers want to return back to work. It sounds too good to be true.
But it isn’t too good to be true, it’s all real. I have examined the company website a number of times over the last few days, and everything that Mr. Arnold has told me is real. He simply runs an incredible company who wants to offer me a brand new future. One that I don’t even know why I haven’t taken yet. Because of Ryan? Maybe, but that isn’t a mistake that I am going to continue on making. He doesn’t give a shit about me, so why should I him? The only good thing to come from that conversation is that I am determined to make right.
“Hello there, Sara,” Mr. Arnold answers warmly, instantly making me feel a million times warmer. “I have been hoping to hear from you. How are things with you?”
“I’m good thank you.” I really hope that he can’t hear the thick emotion in my voice. “And how are things with you?” He gives me a similar positive response which I only half listen to because I’m trying to get my head all straightened out for my next words. “I wanted to call you to thank you for the job offer… and it’s one that I would love to take.”
“You would?” The joy in his voice is evident. It makes me feel incredible. To know that I am so wanted makes me really happy. “That’s absolutely amazing. I would love for you to come and get all the paper work signed as soon as you can because I’m keen for you to start as soon as possible. You know how much we are keen to have you here.”
I feel up lifted. This is so much better, this is what I have been wanting. Something to give me a new focus, a new spark of life, something to bring me back and I have found it. I am so freaking proud of myself. This is something to celebrate. What a roller coaster of a day.
“I can come this afternoon to get everything signed, if that suits you?”
“Sure, sounds perfect. Then we can get your start date all sorted out.”
; We chat for a little while longer, lifting my spirits more and more with every single second. I can’t wait now for the change of pace, for the new start for me, for everything to change. Hell, maybe I will even look for a new apartment once I am done with this call, one a bit bigger for me and my baby which I can now afford because of my much bigger salary, so that everything from my past is put behind me. Change everything so I can forget what has happened…
But first, before I make any more life changing decisions, I need to smarten myself up and get rid of all the sadness because I need to get to my new office to get all the paper work signed, to make it all official. I want to start the rest of my life looking good, because I have always held on to the belief that looking good will help me to feel good and right now, I can use all of the help I can get my hands on.
“Fuck you, Ryan Wilson,” I tell myself proudly. “Fuck you. You have tried and failed to take me down. No one can take me down. No one.”
I need to make myself proud and my unborn child as well. He or she is relying on me to make things perfect, and that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to make the best of everything and show Ryan that he is irrelevant to me.
Chapter 17 – Ryan
Pregnant. The word is still so shocking to me. I can’t get my head around it. I should have known that this could have happened because we got too caught up in the moment and protection never came in to it, but it has still blown me away. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I’m living life in a blur, trying to fathom where I am. A baby… a baby…