I didn't feel guilt for what I had done with William. No one could ever make me feel bad for our love. However, my anger toward Mother and Father lessened.
Abby sat up and wiped her eyes on the back of her sleeves. “I guess being seen as a commodity always made me turn to sex to get my way.” I saw the new realization in her face. A hint of hope for the future lit her eyes.
I didn't know what to say. I simply forced myself to smile.
Chapter 29- Sow
I looked around on Christmas morning and wondered when the decorations had been put up. The tiny tree twinkled mockingly.
Abby and I didn't get a present from our parents or guardians like the others. I didn't mind, and she was used to it. I saw the longing in her face as people left to visit their families in the cafeteria. I could feel her curiosity and hear her thoughts, wondering what it was like to have loving parents.
I turned my face away, knowing I had pushed mine too far.
A week later I got my first visitation.
I heard my name over the intercom with those who had loved ones come to see them. I almost didn't go, worried about Mother being there and what she would say. The thought of seeing Father calmed me. I promised myself to try not to ask about William unless Father mentioned him first.
I walked in line with the other young men and women through the corridors. Families grouped around the cafeteria, watching with anticipation for the face they recognized in our group.
I spotted Father's paling orange hair amidst the crowd. My relief battled with grief that Mother hadn't bothered to come with him. It had been half a year since I had seen either of their faces. I tried not to run to Father, who watched emotional exchanges. I took a moment to appreciate how different my family compared.
He looked up when I stopped in front of him. Shock jolted through his features before recognition hit him. His large green eyes grew wide as he looked me over. I was in a gray pair of sweatpants and a pale yellow t-shirt. My hair was longer than the last time he had seen me and I hadn't worn makeup in months.
He jumped up, hitting his knees on the table, to wrap me in a hug. “I missed you so much, baby.” His voice was thick with tears. His belly had shrunk but I decided not to comment on it.
I tried to embrace him back with the same enthusiasm, but it felt awkward and forced. I prayed he wouldn't notice. He sat and gestured for me to sit across from him. “You look good,” he said, as if expecting me to be a tiny, malnourished string.
I nodded and tried to smile, not trusting my own voice. I bit back the thoughts of William being an amazing cook and how well he had taken care of me.
“Your hair has grown fast, you look beautiful.”
I stared at him, running out of silent communication devices. “How are you?” I was apprehensive at the idea of letting him ask too many questions, not ready to talk about William. I had hoped Father would bring him up, but in the moment I wanted to avoid the elephant.
“I'm ok now that I know you're safe.” He reached a large hand across the table to take my own. I narrowed my eyes at him, trying to keep the hostility from steaming out of my mouth. He had been the one to make me unsafe in the first place, or at least, he had let Mother do it.
“And Mother?” I tried not sound accusatory.
“She wanted to come,” he faltered, obviously realizing the excuse he had probably come up with in the car as worthless. “She didn't think she could handle seeing you in this atmosphere.” He waved his free hand around his head.
“Then she shouldn't have put me here.” I hadn't meant to say it. The words were soft, but father’s expression told me he agreed.
We stared at each other for a long time, both knowing the other had questions yet neither knowing if we wanted them answered. The small space between us overflowed with silence and fear.
“Thank you for the clothes and the letter. I needed that support.”
His eyes welled with tears. He leaned over the table, pulling my head to him to kiss it. It took too much thought and effort not to stiffen at his touch. When he settled back in his seat I stared down at the chipped yellow table. I didn't expect his next words.
“He's ok. He's going to plead guilty and get sent to a minimum security prison.”
My eyes snapped up, boring into his. “He can't.” The words came out garbled. There was something wrong with my tongue. “He didn't do any of it. Maybe the weed, but we all did.” Father tried not to smile, but I could see his heart breaking when I told him the truth. “I left. I didn't want to be punished by Mother for loving someone, no matter how taboo it was. William didn't shoot anyone. I did.” Father leaned back, shaking his head.
I leaned toward him, forcing him to hear me, “I shot the man. In the face. He was about to shoot William. And then I shot the other one after he put a bullet in William.” I kept my voice calm and body relaxed, trying to make him see that I was telling the truth.
Father’s face turned white. “I don't care what you've done. And William won't let you take the fall any more than I would.”
“But it's not right,” I growled. “Why should he get sent to prison and I sit here useless, unable to choose what I do with my own life?”
We were starting to pull people's attention. I rubbed my eyes, trying to hold in the distress. “Because you're still a minor,” he said simply. “You don't get rights yet. You have privileges and they can be revoked.”
I shook my head, tears flying in every direction. The word emancipation was on the tip of my tongue. I reeled it in, knowing it might kill my father.
The dinging of a bell grabbed everyone's attention. It was time to say goodbye. My knees quaked as I stood. Father came around the table to hug me one last time.
That evening Abby built the courage to tell her story in therapy. There wasn’t one dry eye in the room when she was done. I blended in well. No one noticed that my tears were of my own desperation, and not of empathy.
When I was given my little blue pill I took it gladly, begging the pain to numb my soul, begging to be a zombie.
When I threw it up I wanted to die. I tried asking for another one but was forced into a chair. A thermometer was stuffed in my mouth as a blood pressure cuff tightened around my arm.
After what felt like hours of being poked, prodded, and asked questions, the nurse decided I didn't have the flu and I was simply stressed. Dr. Burnt came to see me as everyone slept. He asked me if I was having trouble sleeping, if I felt more stable, and if I had a particularly stressful visit from my father. I told him I had been fine, and that seeing my father for the first time in six months was bound to be stressful to anyone.
He nodded and prescribed me a sedative to take with my bipolar medication and left shortly after.
I looked forward to the new drug.
Chapter 30- Bud
Every night I vomited at the same time, right after taking my medication. After a couple of weeks my schedule was moved to taking them in the morning.
It didn't help. They kept coming up.
I held down food fine. Some smells upset my stomach, but I assumed it was because I was accustomed to William’s perfect cooking as opposed to frozen meat and powdered eggs. The steamed vegetables served for dinner every night and small salads for lunch were all the foods I could to eat.
I watched myself lose weight but didn't think anything of it.
One morning after another loss of medication I was forced to urinate into another plastic cup before being escorted into the small glass office in the waiting room. Dr. Burnt, a petite nurse, and Lucia all squeezed into the room with me. Lucia shut the door. Dr. Burnt turned to me.
“You haven't needed to ask for any feminine products since you've been here,” his said. Worry weighed Lucia’s face. The nurse put my specimen cup on the counter and pulled a white plastic strip from her pocket.
I looked back at Dr. Burnt, “Isn't that normal in stressful situations?” I hadn't given much thought to my lack of menstruating.
“Sometimes, but you seem to be showing some symptoms.”
I stiffened as my stomach threatened to heave. “Symptoms of what?”
The little nurse behind me held up the strip for everyone to see. I couldn't look. Dr. Burnt's face lips tightened.
I closed my eyes, not wanting to know. I pretended for a second that his unspoken answer had been of defeat. He’s wrong.
I peeked to see Lucia's face. She stared at me with pity. She turned to the doctor, “What do we do now?” Her voice was so soft I could almost pretend I didn’t hear it.
“We inform her parents.”
I jumped to my feet as my heart leapt into my throat. Alarm flashed on everyone’s faces but none of them could comprehend what I felt. “You can't tell my mother.”
Everyone rushed to comfort me. A small audience began gathering in the room outside of the glass office.
The worst possible thought came to mind. They would add rape to William’s charges. I was underage and Mother seemed to want to keep him in prison for forever.
I couldn't control my breathing, I tried to slow it but the pain in my lungs grew faster and tighter until I couldn’t hear over my own gasps
My vision blurred and someone lowered me into the chair.
I couldn’t distinguished who the voice belonged to, but their words radiated throughout my soul, “You need to calm down, it's not good for the baby.”
I couldn't be pregnant. I tried to think, sure we had used a condom every time. As the vision unfolded in my memory I realized we hadn't. There hadn't been time. There had been no thought of it. We had needed each other, we had acted rashly.
✷✴✷
As the day succumbed to nightfall I remained unable to move in bed. I tried to sleep, to pretend nothing wrong was happening, and to imagine I was at home and waiting for William to come to bed.
Terror enveloped me again at the thought of what Mother might do and how Father would react. Would he be able to rein in my mother? He never had before.
Another fear crept into my mind, drenched in a black guilt. Because I had been so selfish, a child would be punished. The fetus growing in me would have complications. I knew it would be born with extra limbs or deformities of some kind.
I thought back to the night we had snuggled Dizzy to sleep. I had wondered about a future with William involving children. God must have mistaken it for a prayer.
I sobbed quietly into the pillow that Abby had graciously given me on my first night. I hadn't needed it then. I had been able to hold myself together after being torn from everything important to me, thrown into a white room, and told to obey. I had cried with dignity. I had controlled myself repeatedly after being told I was kidnapped, had Stockholm syndrome, and had been abused by the one person who loved me unconditionally, against every part of his own morality.
I destroyed William, I destroyed my parents. I even destroyed myself.
I destroyed an innocent, beautiful future before it even had a chance.
✷✴✷
I didn't tell anyone about my pregnancy. A small, self-loathing creature in the back of my mind reminded me of the options of miscarriage and abortion. I wondered as the days passed, slowly and torturous, if Mother was praying for the same thing. I was afraid to ask if they had already told my parents.
The other patients in the hospital went through their days not knowing or caring about my situation. The nurses and shift workers all knew by the end of the week. They prodded me to eat more, drink the milk, and take a huge pink pill every night.
I shook as I sat in front of the television a few days after my life had changed.
We were allowed to watch as the trial started for William.
Ms. Lucia sat beside me, ready to unplug the television at the first hint of stress. I kept my face devoid of emotion and tried to prepare my mind as the courtroom came into view.
Three balding men sat at one side, all in suites with snazzy briefcases resting by their feet. People dotted the benches on either side.
Ma sat with a well disguised but slouching Dizzy. His long blond tangles had been dyed brown, chopped short, and combed over like a gentleman. I swallowed a chuckle as he pulled at the sleeves of his gray suit, uncomfortable and bewildered by it.
Everyone turned as the double doors at the back of the room opened. My heart froze as three men in uniform stepped into the room, followed by William and four more guards.
I didn't know what to expect. I thought he would look beaten, malnourished, or have his head shaved.
He was perfect.
His hands were cuffed in front of him with a chain between his ankles. His eyes met Ma’s. My heart fluttered as he contained his own laughter at Dizzy.
He focused a few rows ahead to a lone woman with large white sunglasses and a stringy blonde wig. He rolled his eyes and a small smile teased his lips. My disguised mother give him a huge grin.
She was directly behind where he would sit, but he remained standing at the table as everyone else rose for the judge.
As the hard looking woman in robes sat so did everyone else. Her voice rang out into the room, “William Hugh Chainbers, the state accuses you of the following: possession of illegal substances in the form of a pound of marijuana, the possession of illegal firearms, assault with a deadly weapon, attempted murder, involuntary manslaughter, armed robbery, and the kidnapping of Ruth Fellows. Some charges have been dropped, particularly ones pertaining to breaking and entering at the request of Tyreese Steed, the rightful owner of the house you were residing in at the time.”
William sat back in his seat and threw a glance to Ma. Questions zipped through his mind, same as mine.
I stared at Mother, wondering why she hadn't brought up the pregnancy. I had been positive she would add a rape charge. Was it possible that she was sincerely trying to help William?
“Is there anything you would like to say to the court, knowing that anything you do say will be recorded?” The judge nodded in the direction of the camera.
He glanced into the camera. I felt like he knew I was watching, as if the camera were a window into my room. He stood slowly and cleared his throat. “I would like to apologize to my sister and her husband. I’m sorry for hurting you, I acted rashly when I took Ruth,” he paused and stared hard into the camera, “Forcefully.” He fought a beloved, wicked grin away. He knew if I were there I would have thrown a fit.
“I would also like to apologize to the family of the man I shot and killed. There is nothing I can do to ever make up for the life I took. I'm also sorry to the other man that I wounded.”
A commotion rose from the back of the courtroom. I recognized the tall, slender man I had shot in the shoulder during the botched robbery. He pushed himself into the aisle and pointed at William.
William turned as the man started screaming, “He's lying, he didn't kill Francis, or shoot me. It was the woman and you know it!”
William shot him a disturbing look, silently telling him to shut the fuck up or he was going to do it for him. Red crept up William’s neck as the judge demanded the man to be removed from her courtroom.
William turned back. He shrugged to the guards who eyed. The judge asked him to continue.
“I was going to apologize to my friend Reese. He doesn’t own a television and the news upsets him so he had no idea I was on the run. I put him in a dangerous situation.”
Ma sat back, enjoying William’s little show. Dizzy tried to hide his tears, wiping them on the back of his coat sleeve.
The judge looked at William as he sat down. “What about the girl you kidnapped? Is there anything you would like to apologize to her for?”
I could see the indecision on his face. Did he want to come up with a bullshit apology or simply let the room think of him as evil?
He looked into the camera. My soul wept at the pure love and longing in his eyes, seeping across the miles between us to me.
“I already told her how I feel,” his voice was low and mournful.
&n
bsp; “Did you tell her you were sorry?”
He shook his head softly. His voice was a whisper, speaking directly to me as if we were alone in the same room, “I regret nothing.”
Dizzy threw back his head, his fists independently striking into the air in support and celebration, proud of William. Ma tried to cover her smile while pulling Dizzy's arms back down. She shook with laughter as people threw horrified looks at William.
Mother’s face was crimson. Her lips pressed so hard together they were a solitary, thin line. The judge shook her head in disapproval, “How do you plead?” she huffed.
“Guilty to all charges, ma'am.” His lawyer shifted papers around uncomfortably, obviously useless.
“You are sentenced to twenty years to be served in a minimum security prison, with a possibility of parole in fifteen years.” She banged her gavel.
William’s face was set in resignation and apology as he stared at the camera. He was lifted out of his chair by two guards.
Mother smirked, satisfied.
I wanted to reach through the screen and claw her face. I wanted to kick and scream and fight the whole system. The trial had been too short. I needed William to stay.
I thought I was going to die.
I would have to wait twenty years to touch him, kiss him, and hear his voice. He would be caged like a domesticated animal for twenty years. I didn't know if William could handle the lack of freedom.
It was all because of me.
People stood around me, patting me on the shoulders as they walked past. My body numbed. Ms. Lucia asked me if I was ok. I tried to nod but wasn't sure if I actually moved.
I didn't know if William knew about my pregnancy. I didn't think he could. Mother was waiting to pounce at the worst time with the news, calculating when to strike.
My world revolved around uncertainty, beginning with the vast, bottomless terror for William's safety, Mother’s treacherous actions, Father’s growing distaste in me, the unrevealed time left in the institution, and most importantly- the impending child. It had been created through a love so disastrous to the world that it would shun the infant, an innocent bystander.
Truth: Book Two of the Taboo Series Page 19