by HMC
She took the worn piece of paper and tried to read, but her tears were flowing freely now, so she handed it back to Green.
‘Shall I read the highlights for you, then?’
Jade nodded.
‘Patient is suffering from Dissociative Fugue ... should be transferred to her place of origin ... Fairholmes ... make contact with living relatives … continue prescription and counselling.’
It was signed by her ex-husband.
‘What’s happened to me?’ she sobbed. ‘Sam? Freddy?’ She gazed up at him.
‘All real. Just patients you used to look after. I’m so sorry. This is very good progress, very good progress, indeed.’
Although Anne promised her the worst part was over, Jade couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that it might happen to her again and the people around her would have to pull her back out. She was apparently stuck in a vicious, ugly and very scary cycle of reality versus psychosis. What was real and what was not, no longer had any clear lines.
Jade spent most of her waking time trying to piece together the puzzle that was her fragmented and confusing life. She sat in front of newspaper clippings, photos, objects – things given to her by Green to help her ‘figure it all out’ in her head. How she created the things that she did. How she could get better and perhaps one day lead a normal life outside of Maine Hospital. This was the ultimate goal.
Over the past couple of weeks she’d begun to think more and more about the outside: the colour of flowers, trees, the shy touch of a kitten’s paw, the smell of the ocean, the hum of bees and songs of birds – all of the things that people on the outside took for granted. The things she no longer had access to. She missed the simple things, like choosing your own meal, clothes, job, lover, holiday packages, coffee brand.
Surely hospitals like these drove you crazier.
Jade had pleaded with the staff and Anne to take her outside of the facility, for just a little while – a car ride – anything. That was when she found out the hospital was built underground and Jade’s wing was on the first underground floor. That was why there were no windows and why they had to climb a flight of stairs to get to the outside enclosed courtyard, which Jade had assumed was on an open upper floor. So access wasn’t easy as Maine’s psychiatric facility was high security. Jade didn’t feel dangerous.
Forms had to be signed by certain parties and the load of paperwork was apparently huge. With good behaviour and effort, Anne promised that she would get out to see her brother and father soon. She hoped that Angus was taking care of her kitten, Hercules.
Soon couldn’t come fast enough. More than anything, Jade wanted to talk to someone she would remember from her life on the outside. But Green had said it was out of the question – at this point in her therapy, it would only cause her to regress. Jade couldn’t see how, but it was her job to prove to these people she was sane and therefore never argued her case for very long.
Jade sat in front of her data. An old photo of Sam peered back at her, triggering memory after memory.
Samantha Phillips sat across from Jade in a chair …
… They were in the common room at Rowan’s and Sam looked tired, worn out, like she’d given up. She was more paranoid than ever, because of the shooting.
‘Someone is trying to get us. To take us down. You’re in the middle of it this time, Jade. Are you going to do something about it?’
‘What would you have me do, Sam?’ Jade was dressed casually, like it was her day off. Like she’d just come to check up on Sam.
‘We have to get out of here now. You, Freddy, George and me. All of us. They’ll be coming for all of us.’
‘Who?’
‘It doesn’t matter who, I don’t know who. I just know it’s soon …’
This memory was so vivid that Jade wanted to tell someone it was real and it was less than a month ago, but there was no one to tell. Sam had been right that day. The fire had started that very night. The night she’d said they all had to get out.
But Jade hadn’t listened.
The guilt washed over her. If she’d just listened to her patients, everything would be different. If she’d taken control and listened like her gut had told her to, then none of it would’ve happened. Everyone would be safe and she would be on the outside, leading a normal life. She exhaled: ‘this was good progress,’ Green would say. Feeling the pain and guilt like this was good, even though she still couldn’t rearrange the time periods. Jade would tell Green about it later, but for now she had better get her butt ‘outside’ before Anne had a chance to come in and kick it.
She looked around at the courtyard with four high walls. You could see the sky and an occasional bird or aeroplane if you were lucky, but not much of anything else. It was like a prison exercise yard from the movies. The floor was a concrete slab with a few plastic tables and chairs and old umbrellas for shade. Anne had been on her case more than ever lately about getting out into the courtyard to talk to others. She said all the thinking she was doing was turning her into a hermit. Jade was beginning to agree.
The warm sunshine caressed her face and Jade found herself smiling up at it. It sat directly above her in the sky – midday. It felt like her first smile in an unreasonably long time. She was going to get through this one way or another. It was amazing how the mind could adapt.
Jade noticed the new birdbath and the large potted plant in the corner. It was some kind of pine tree, with a glittery yellow star on top. Christmas must be coming. That’s right, it’s December, isn’t it? It was starting to heat up. With that realisation, the courtyard was instantly brighter and friendlier. Jade sat and watched as a bird landed and began splashing around, causing the patients to come outside and gawk, many giggling. It reminded her of Freddy and the birdbath at Rowan’s. She was positive that was a real memory.
Jade hadn’t felt this good in weeks. A younger man waddled over and shouted out to someone to come and look. A patient with a huge angry scar across his head played chess with Anne and some of the others were rolling on a mat on the ground doing yoga. She had ignored them completely until now.
This time she really saw them. She turned to look at a woman across the courtyard in a chair and she gasped in shock.
‘Carmen?’ Her patient from Rowan’s. She had thought she’d seen Carmen on her first day out of her room, weeks ago. But then thought she had either dreamt it, or had been hallucinating from the drugs. Where had she been since then? Or had Jade been so wound up herself, she hadn’t noticed the small, frail woman?
‘Carmen?’ The woman in the chair looked at her but there was nothing in her eyes. Not even a twinkle. She was completely gone. What a terrible shame.
‘What happened to you?’ The woman moaned and Jade felt a lump in her throat and tears made her eyes hazy. She wiped them away so that Carmen didn’t see. Jade wondered if it was normal to have someone’s real face in a false fantasy. This woman could’ve been around in Rowan’s hospital but surely Anne and Green would’ve warned her about it by now. If she mentioned it, then Green would say that Jade must have placed an already familiar face in her fantasy during the relapse, which is what they had all started calling it. Jade whispered to the woman. Wasn’t it Anne that said I used to read to her?
‘Hi, Carmen. Sorry I haven’t been around to read to you. I lost it there for a little while.’ Carmen moaned at her again and so Jade grabbed a magazine off the courtyard table, pulled up a plastic chair and read to her. Anne peered over and smiled at Jade. Yes…she was real. When Jade finished the story, Carmen groaned.
‘That’s enough for today. We’ll read some more tomorrow though, I promise.’ Things were finally looking up for Jade and now that she was on her way to getting better, she felt responsible for helping others to get better, too; as a friend, not a doctor or a nurse.
The old woman continued to moan. It was gentle and quiet but a definite a
ttempt at conversation. She moved a hand as if to motion to Jade to come closer.
‘What is it, Carmen?’ Jade leaned over the woman’s chair and put an ear up to her mouth. Jade stiffened for just a moment, when she was almost certain that Carmen whispered, ‘... Dr. Thatcher.’
Some days Jade found she couldn’t cope and gave up trying. Helpless, she lay in bed all day, pretending she was in a coma on the second level of Maine Hospital. Freddy, Sam, Damon, George and Morty were all okay and existed now – exactly as she remembered them. Her brother, Angus, was coming to take her back to his house until she was fully recovered. Carmen was fine. She imagined Morty would come to visit her and put fresh flowers on her bedside table. He’d smile with a sun-kissed face and promise to ask her out on a date if she woke up.
Why hadn’t she gone for it sooner? Just because he’d been younger and probably only after one thing, so what? Jade certainly wouldn’t have minded that one thing, several times over. She’d asked him out, but would’ve changed her mind. She would’ve deemed it ‘inappropriate.’ Inappropriate could now go and get fucked.
She imagined the others had been transferred safely to a home nearby (one with beautiful coloured walls and kind staff). Very soon, she would wake up and start her life over. But pinching herself and feeling the pain always broke the deal. Jade promised not to pinch herself anymore. On these particular days, she refused to get up, to eat or shower. When Anne would come in, she would throw her body down hard on the bed so that she couldn’t be lifted.
‘Don’t act so hard done by,’ Anne would say. ‘What use is it wasting a spectacular day?’ At these times, Jade didn’t give a shit either way if people thought she was crazy. She was beginning to see things for what they were: when people decided you were mad, it didn’t matter whether you were, or you weren’t.
‘You can’t trust anyone but yourself.’
‘I trusted Anne.’
‘Look where that got you.’
‘I trusted you, Sam.’
‘Don’t get all sentimental on me now.’
Sam’s face was so clear in her mind.
‘What do I do?’
‘Find out the truth. And stop being such a fucking pushover!’
That’s what Sam would do. Sam would put up a fight. Jade wondered if she should be doing that. It was hard to believe she’d bought everything Green was selling so easily. He was so convincing, though. Anne was convincing, too. Jade had loved Anne. You always believed the people you loved.
Jade decided she’d had enough. She was tired of all this bullshit and she simply couldn’t do it anymore. It was time to check out and get some sleep.
Anne brought Jade her Valium. She slipped it into her mouth and swallowed appreciatively. ‘Thanks.’
‘You sleep, now.’ Anne brushed Jade’s hair back off her face.
Jade would need more drugs soon. A lot more. The sooner the better. Tomorrow she would ask her doctor to up her dosage and she would keep them aside for a special occasion.
Angus
Green sat in his usual position. Back upright, hands clasped together in front of him on his desk. Jade looked a little out of it. She seemed to be responding badly to the meds. Either that, or she’d somehow got her hands on more of it. His patient had been with him for a while now and it was time to ‘up the ante.’
He sighed inwardly. Jade was the perfect candidate – he’d just have to convince her of the benefits – which might not be easy in her present condition. However, there was no perfect time to present his case, and now was probably as good a time as any.
‘It’s a very old form of treatment but it has worked on several other patients in this facility. You’ve been close to your ‘real self’ for a little over two months now, Jade, and it looks like there might be a good chance of never relapsing again. This treatment could help to ensure that.’ He went on without any acknowledgment from her that she understood what he was saying. ‘It’s led to the release of many patients in our facility, although, it’s still in a trial period and is not a regularly practiced treatment. But we hope to be on the leading edge. Jade, I really think that we can help you.’
‘I’m hearing voices.’ She didn’t bother to look up, ‘They tell me that I’m not alone.’ He was disturbed by this. There were things happening that he couldn’t completely explain. Jade was showing schizotypal symptoms lately and he wondered if it might be a reaction to the meds or to something else.
‘Are you concerned these symptoms may signal a relapse? Jade, please look at me.’
She did so. ‘What symptoms?’ She was out of it.
‘I really think we can help you. But we must take steps now.’
‘I would like that.’ She slurred her words. ‘I really want to get out of here. I need to be out of here as soon as possible.’
‘Well we are hoping you’ll be back to your normal self, Jade. That’s what we want isn’t it? To be normal again?’
Jade was swaying back and forth and humming. ‘Yes, to be normal.’ Her head slumped down on her chest.
‘So you’ll try it?’
‘Whatever you say, Doctor.’
Although Green felt a sense of excitement at her response, it was tainted by the obvious fact that she was agreeing to something she didn’t seem mentally competent to understand. If she’d signed her will under such circumstances, her attorney would’ve been disbarred.
No guts – no glory. It was the reason he’d made it so far. It was the reason he’d helped so many others.
Green spent the next half an hour explaining the surgical procedure to her. It would take only a few days to recover and Anne would be her post-op nurse. She seemed pleased about that.
When they returned to her room, Jade crawled into bed and fell asleep almost immediately.
The next morning, Jade was on a gurney rolling down the hallway to the surgery. Her eyes were closed, but she knew exactly where she was. Voices murmured overhead. Doctors and nurses. Briefly opening her eyes, she saw the room numbers: 1840, 1841.
They stopped at 1842. The fabricated room?
The evil room.
Something jabbed into her thigh and she flinched without making it obvious. The doors opened and shut after the gurney was pushed inside. A light was shone into her eyes and she rolled them back in her head. Above and surrounding her were large metal instruments that looked like alien guns from outer space. They were guns; gigantic mind-altering guns. Everyone left the room but Green. Perfect.
She tried to open her eyes, just slightly so that no one could tell. There was fear in her heart; the kind of fear and adrenaline that you couldn’t hide for too long from the heart and blood pressure monitors. But she couldn’t move. The pounding got louder. She couldn’t get up yet. A voice clattered around in her head. She stretched to find the words, until the memory became so lucid that it all happened right in front of her again – as if she’d pressed replay. Freddy spoke to her loud and clear: ‘You have to break the guns.’
Do it now, Jade. Get up!
Jade Thatcher jumped up so swiftly that Dr. Clancy Green fell over backward.
‘Jade!’
She moved carefully around him and he was so taken by surprise that he didn’t take preventive or evasive action. He was just lying there on the floor, eyes wide.
Jade’s movements were calculated, practised, definite. Instantly, Jade was behind him on the floor holding a syringe up to his temple.
‘One move, you little prick, and I’ll pump you full of every concoction of shit you’ve tried to feed me for the past two months – all melted down into this lovely little cocktail here.’
Nice work, Jade, keep up that tone in your voice. You’re in control now, not him.
He calmed a little, and spoke in a conversational tone. ‘How did you get a syringe, Jade? Do you think this is a very good idea?’
&nbs
p; ‘One question at a time, Doc.’ She pulled him up off the floor, dragged him over to the surgical table, and threw him down again. Her white dress flapped open around her thigh and she could see the needle mark where she’d accidentally stabbed herself when lying on the gurney. Jade could only hope that no liquid had been pushed in; but surely a tiny amount would do nothing.
Refocusing on the doctor, Jade said, ‘Stand up and get on the table.’
‘Jade, this is a bad idea.’
‘Are you kidding? This is the best idea I’ve had in my whole fucking lifetime.’ She held the needle up to his throat.
‘Lie down.’ He hesitated and she pushed the hypodermic into his neck until it pierced his skin. He lay down on the bed and closed his eyes.
‘Don’t move, Green. I never liked you. You’re like a buzzard. Buzzing over carrion. The already dead. What do you expect to find? Buzzzzzzzzzzzz.’ She buzzed until she could see him tremble. Jade heard Sam in her voice.
Good, she wanted to scare him.
She snatched his ID card from the lanyard around his neck. Syringe in one hand, she used the other to grab a pair of scissors and cut the wiring of the machines, never putting her back to Green. It’s all she could do without making too much noise. She moved cautiously around to each one. Snip, snip.
‘The procedure doesn’t necessarily need a machine,’ Green piped up from his position on the surgical table. ‘It’s been done by hand for decades. The machine is just a quicker and more effective way.’
He’s going to confess.
‘What have you been doing to people?’
‘Jade. This procedure will help you. I don’t know why you’re reacting like this. You agreed to it.’
She continued to do as much quiet damage as possible.
‘We are far more advanced now. Jade, there is nothing to be afraid of. There are no real risks here. I would never purposely harm a patient.’
Green’s voice pled.
But she didn’t listen.
‘You did it to them when they were children,’ Jade hissed.