by Quinn Loftis
“I will be. And it would be wrong. She is a queen. I can’t go in there and make it look like she’s not powerful enough to keep people out during her time of mourning, even her own daughter.”
“You are so wise, my Luna. I love you.”
“And I you.”
She held his hand to her face for a moment longer, enjoying having his attention. She’d worried that when things calmed down, he might emotionally withdraw from her. It was something he’d done in the past because he didn’t want to hurt her with his own emotional pain. Thankfully, he’d done the opposite. At night, when they were alone and Slate was in bed, Fane poured his heart out to her. Sometimes it was the only time of day that he was able to say more than a couple of sentences to her, but it was her favorite part of the day.
Fane took a deep breath and let it whoosh out of him. His wolf had been on edge since he’d felt his mate’s anxiety and fear. He’d been trying to give his mate space, but his wolf wasn’t having it. Jaquelyn thought she was in his way when he was working with the pack or dealing with other packs that were continually contacting him. But nothing could be further from the truth. He was going to have to make her understand that she could never be in his way because he needed her like a fish gasping for air, regardless of what else might be going on.
Her eyes softened as she looked at him. She must have picked up on some of those thoughts. She started to say something, no doubt to apologize, but Fane shook his head. “There’s nothing for you to say. We will work it out.”
She gave a small nod. Fane stood and stepped around the love seat, taking Jacquelyn’s hand and pulling her up to follow him. When he was facing everyone, he tucked her into his side, then met the gaze of each person in the room. Eyes dropped one by one.
“Thank you for being such great friends to Jacquelyn,” he said. “I know it’s not something I should have to thank you for because you all love her as you do one another, but I am thankful nonetheless.” He paused and considered his next words. Fane could feel the unrest in their group. But the Great Luna had declared a time of mourning for a reason, even if he wasn’t fully sure what the reason was. Fane almost felt as if he could heal better if he were doing something more than just reassuring other packs that everything was going to be all right. “I realize this is frustrating,” he said finally. “Sitting still is not something any of us do well. But the Great Luna doesn’t give a decree without reason, and we need to trust her.
“Jacquelyn, Jen, and Sally, you three continue working on your fighting skills with the other females and trying to determine whether Jacque has any sprite abilities. Those things may seem trivial, but they’re vital.” He turned to Decebel and then Costin. “And you both continue to train our males and listen for anything more on the ones who wish to challenge me when the time comes.” Fane felt his mate tense. He gave her hand a gentle squeeze and pushed his reassurance through the bond. The alpha wasn’t worried. The Great Luna had put him in the position he currently held, and she would keep him there until it was no longer his privilege to serve her.
Jen started to say something, the irritation clear on her face, but he cut her off before she could form any words. “I know you’re frustrated, Jen,” he said. “But there is still much healing to be done. And I understand that some people may need action in order to properly grieve. Please be patient. All too soon, there will be more action than you can handle … even more than you and Decebel in the bedroom.”
For a moment everyone was frozen, as if they weren’t sure they’d heard him right. Then they all were bent over laughing. Fane kept a straight face. “What? Was it something I said?”
Chapter 6
“New life is supposed to be celebrated by more than just one person. Friends and family should gather round, giving their praise of the beautiful child. Or, at the very least, two parents welcoming the perfect little being into the world.” ~Lilly
December 1992
Lilly’s stomach roiled as she hurried to the trash can in the small exam room. She was pretty sure it was the thousandth time she’d thrown up that morning. Maybe that was an exaggeration. She’d stopped counting hours ago.
“It’s completely normal to be sick in the first trimester,” the doctor said as she held out a tissue to her. Lilly took it and wiped her mouth, then tossed it into the bin.
“How long will it last?” Lilly asked, taking her seat back on the exam table.
“For some, it’s just the first three months.” The doctor shrugged. “For others it can last the whole pregnancy.”
“I want option number one,” Lilly groaned as she laid back.
The doctor chuckled, as if Lilly had said something funny. She was not joking.
“I wish it worked that way. But I can give you something for the nausea.”
Lilly’s eyes opened. “Is it dangerous? Could it hurt my child?”
The doctor frowned. “No. Why would I give you something that could hurt your child?”
Lilly couldn’t answer with the truth. Because I feel something terrible is about to happen to someone, but I can’t figure out if it’s to you or the child growing inside of me. She was pretty sure the doctor would give her more than just nausea meds if she said that. Ever since she’d walked into the exam room, Lilly’s sixth sense had been going off like a tornado siren in her head, but for some reason, she couldn’t determine who was in for trouble. Then a horrible thought hit her. What if something had happened to Dillon? She hadn’t seen him in a couple of days, but they’d talked on the phone every day.
“Can I use that phone?” Lilly pointed to the handset hanging on the wall beside the door.
The doctor’s brow drew down on her forehead. “Sure. Are you okay, Lilly?”
Lilly nodded, trying to look calm instead of like a mental ward patient. She slowed her breathing and then said, “I just want to see if Dillon—that’s the father—is home.”
The doctor still looked confused, perhaps thinking the news of a baby might be better shared in person. Nevertheless, she grabbed the receiver and passed it to Lilly.
Lilly dialed his number. She silently prayed he’d answer as it rang. She hadn’t heard Dillon’s voice since yesterday morning. He’d become like a drug to her. When he wasn’t around, he was all she could think about. He treated her like a queen, and she couldn’t get enough.
The phone rang and rang. Still she let it go on until the doctor finally took it from her hand.
“I don’t think he’s home, Lilly.”
Lilly felt herself nod. Another wave of fear hit her. She hurried off the table and began slipping back into her clothes. The doctor had done an ultrasound as soon as the positive pregnancy test had come in, and Lilly had gotten to hear the fast little heartbeat of her child. My and Dillon’s child, she mentally corrected.
She finished dressing and turned to the doctor, who told Lilly to schedule her next visit in six weeks. The new expectant mother was out of the room before the poor doctor could even recommend pre-natal vitamins. Lilly ignored her trembling hand as she started her car. The tires squealed, and she was thrown backward in her seat as she jammed her foot down on the pedal.
She whipped out of the parking lot onto the main street without even looking for oncoming cars. Her mind was squarely focused on Dillon. She couldn’t go to his house because she didn’t know where he lived. The only place she could go was home. He had to be okay. He had to be.
Lilly was driving way too fast, and she knew it. She glanced in her rearview mirror, but there were no red-and-blue lights chasing her, so she didn’t let up on the pedal. Within minutes, her apartment complex came into view. She flew into an empty spot and jumped out of her car, bolting toward her front door with one thought racing through her head: Dillon had to be okay.
She was panting like a racehorse when she took her keys, hand still shaking like the hounds of hell were on her heels, and attempted to slide it into the keyhole. The keys fell to the ground with a clatter. “Shit!” Three more tim
es she dropped the keys attempting to get the door open. “Shit, shit, shit,” she said every time the keys smacked against the ground. Finally, on the fourth try, she was able to get the key in the lock and turn the knob.
“Dillon!” She stumbled into the apartment. Immediately, she knew it was empty. But his masculine scent lingered as if he’d been there recently. Her steps, once desperate to get inside, were much slower now as she entered the space that was much too quiet. It had become a haven to her. The world could be going to hell outside, but when she was in her apartment with Dillon, everything was great. Now, it felt more like a tomb, though she knew it wasn’t because he was dead. But the life she’d known with him was. She knew it as surely as she knew the life growing inside of her was a miracle.
Lilly dropped her purse and slowly gazed around the room until her eyes landed on an envelope resting on the mantle above the small fireplace. For a moment, she simply stared at it. The envelope, it seemed, stared back at her. Her eyes never left the paper as she took small steps, approaching it with the beginnings of nausea, not caused by her pregnancy, stirring in her gut. The harmless-looking envelope would be as sharp as a knife. The words it held would be her ruin. Her steps halted as her bottom lip trembled. The truth was, she didn’t want to ever reach it. She wanted to pretend like she hadn’t noticed it and simply go on about her day, waiting for Dillon to get home so she could prepare his dinner. He had a huge appetite on account of his wolf, and he always appreciated what she cooked him. She wanted to cover herself in blissful oblivion like a cloak that reality couldn’t penetrate.
Lilly knew if she opened that envelope there would be no more dinners. There would be no laughter, no more breathtaking smiles or tender touches. The piece of paper inside the envelope would shatter the world they’d built. The sad thing was she had known it was coming. Lilly had no idea how long they’d have together, a year or twenty, but he’d been honest with her from the beginning. Dillon had told her he had a true mate out there somewhere, and one day he might find her. And Lilly had chosen to stay with him anyway. But she hadn’t really expected it to happen so soon. Dillon had told her some wolves went centuries before they found their true mate. She’d only had him a few years. It wasn’t nearly long enough.
When she finally stood before the crisp, white envelope, not even realizing when she’d started forward again, she saw her name scrawled in handwriting she knew all too well. Her heart pounded so hard in her chest she worried it might just beat its way out. The air in her lungs seemed to be trying to claw its way up out of her throat as the envelope became blurry, and she realized there were tears building in her eyes. She hadn’t even picked the damn thing up yet. “This is going to suck,” she whispered, closing her eyes briefly, letting the tears flow freely down her cheeks. Taking a shuddering breath, she opened her eyes, reached out, and grasped the revolting paper. She crept over to the couch, moving as if she was in a trance, and sank down. The motion made her think of the Titanic. How morbid was that? Perhaps, she likened herself to the massive sinking ship because before too long, she herself would be huge. She’d be an enormous woman, listing in the open ocean, alone, with no one to call for help. “Stop!” she said loudly. There’s no reason to go down that road just yet.
She tore open the envelope and removed the paper from within. Her hands, oddly, had stopped trembling. Lilly wished the rest of her body would quit shaking, but she shivered like a person standing outdoors in Alaska wearing nothing but her underwear. No matter how many deep breaths she took, she couldn’t calm herself. As she unfolded the paper, the nausea only increased, bile rising in her throat. She swallowed several times lest she vomit all over the paper before she even had the chance to read the dreaded words.
For several minutes, Lilly couldn’t even read the words on the page. She simply stared at them as her face grew wetter and wetter from her tears. You’re being ridiculous. You’re falling apart without even fully knowing why. Maybe the letter merely said he had to go on a trip, and he’d be back in a few days. Sure. Lilly mentally kicked herself. If that was the case, then she wouldn’t have had one of her premonitions of impending doom. Now she knew for certain who the sense of foreboding concerned. The portent of dread wasn’t for herself. The horrible feeling had been for her child. The baby growing inside of her would never know his or her dad.
Lilly wiped the tears away, took one more deep breath, and began to read.
My sweet Lilly,
What can I say? Words are not adequate, nor is this letter. The truth is, I couldn’t face you. I am too much of a coward. I couldn’t tell you goodbye without falling at your feet and begging you to forgive me. I wish I could explain it to you in a way that would make you believe me. The love I felt for you was real. It wasn’t infatuation or some silly crush. If I were a human, I would have married you in an instant. But I am what I am. My future is mapped out by the Great Luna. We’ve already talked about all of it, and I know you said you were willing to deal with it when the time came. Looking back, I shouldn’t have let you. I should have argued, put up more of a fight. I should have walked away then so that now the pain might have been less. But neither of us could have realized it would happen so soon. There are no words to fully express how sorry I am. I never wanted to hurt you, or at least that’s what I keep telling myself. But what kind of man does this? What kind of man falls in love with a woman and lets her fall in love with him in return, knowing he can’t give her the world? What kind of man allows a woman to give herself to him in every way, knowing he cannot do the same? There was always a part of me that wouldn’t belong to you. Maybe I should have explained that better. Then, maybe you would have been pissed off and told me to take a hike, which would have been for the best. As possessive as my kind are, I wanted all of you, and I demanded all of you. Yet, I couldn’t reciprocate. I wanted your attention. I wanted your time. I wanted my scent all over you, which always made you laugh. I will miss your laugh. I will miss a lot of things.
You’re strong, Lilly Pierce. You’re probably already kicking my memory to the curb, which is no more than I deserve. I know you will bounce back, and some lucky SOB will sweep you off of your feet. Then, I will be but a pleasant memory, if that. I hope that for you. I hope you will be happy. You deserve more than I could ever give you.
I have cleared out all of my stuff. I didn’t want you to have to deal with it. I’m an ass for not saying goodbye. But I know I would have wanted to hold you. I would have wanted to kiss you one last time. And I couldn’t. I couldn’t because, well, you know why.
I’ve dragged this out long enough. Be happy, beautiful Lilly. I know you will curse me, throw things, and scream. Knowing your temper, you might even try to track me down and kick the shit out of me. I wouldn’t blame you. Hell, I’ll lay on the ground and let you. But that doesn’t change what is, what has to be.
Thank you for the time you gave me. Thank you for giving me you. I had no right, and yet you gave anyway. Two nights ago, you told me you’d given me your heart. I nearly demanded you take it back, but the selfish part of me wanted your heart. I wanted you to be mine, even though I could never be yours. There aren’t enough sorrys in the world. You gave me everything, and I gave you nothing in return. I am truly sorry.
Be well, my wild Lilly.
Lilly crushed the paper in her hand and pressed her other hand to her stomach. “You gave me something,” she whispered, “something better than any love you could have offered.” Her words didn’t stop the weeping. She rolled off the couch to the floor where she knelt and then folded in on herself until she lay on her side in the fetal position. She had no idea how long she laid there crying, burying her face in her legs and screaming. She could have never guessed it would hurt this bad. Lilly had known she was completely in love with Dillon Jacobs, but she hadn’t known he would have the power to rip out her beating heart. She hadn’t known he would be able to rob her of her breath. Lilly hadn’t known he would steal her life away when he left.
; She slammed her fist onto the ground over and over. “NO! No, no, no,” she cried. “This wasn’t supposed to happen!” Her words were slurred from the tears. “This wasn’t how it was supposed to end.” She was pregnant with the child of a man who could never love her, at least not enough to stay. He would love his true mate without equal. Lilly wouldn’t even hold a candle to what Dillon felt for the woman who’d taken him. He’d made it all very, very clear when they’d had that conversation a year ago. She’d asked him not to sugarcoat it, and he hadn’t. But she’d been a fool. She’d thought they’d beat the odds, and maybe his true mate had died. Why else would he be able to fall in love with a human? To hear him tell it, Canis lupus didn’t date. They didn’t even date their own kind. It was frowned upon because they each had a true mate that held the other half of their soul. Why waste their emotions on someone else? But Dillon had told Lilly he didn’t feel like he was wasting his emotions on her. The way he’d looked at her, Lilly knew it had been real. But that didn’t mean it would last.
After a while, her devastation turned to rage. She climbed to her feet and picked up the first thing her hand could reach and threw it at the fireplace. It was a coaster, and it shattered. It wasn’t enough. Lilly marched into the kitchen, tears still streaming down her cheeks. She opened the cabinet containing their coffee mugs. To her surprise, he’d even remembered to take the ones she’d bought him. That just pissed her off more. Maybe she’d wanted to keep them. Had he considered that? “No,” she answered out loud. “He hadn’t because he’s a damn, possessive-ass werewolf who thinks he has a right to anything he touches.” Lilly grabbed one of her own mugs and threw it across the room. It hit the ceramic tile with a satisfying crash. She reached for another. One after the other, she threw the mugs, all the while cursing Dillon Jacobs. “You couldn’t even face me, you hairy-assed coward!” she yelled as a plate flew from her hand. She hadn’t even realized she’d gone through all the mugs and had moved on to the dinnerware. Somewhere in the back of Lilly’s mind, she heard a voice tell her to calm down, but she ignored it.