by Quinn Loftis
“I did it because I was jealous. I was selfish. I wanted what I wanted and didn’t care who it hurt.” Myanin spoke out loud. For some reason she felt like the words, the truth, needed to be said. Her voice was broken and rough, but she didn’t care. She didn’t care that Tenia was there to witness it. She didn’t care that she probably sounded crazy. She just needed it out. She knew if she held it in any longer then she wouldn’t be able to live with herself. “I hated you because I thought your punishment was unfair. I wanted you to feel the same betrayal I perceived happening to me. I was living only for myself. I have been living only for myself.”
“And now?” Lyra asked.
“I don’t want to be in the dark anymore.” She choked as a sob broke through her voice. “I don’t want to be alone anymore.” Her tears turned to weeping as Myanin rocked back and forth seeking comfort she did not deserve. “I’m sorry, Lyra. I’m so very sorry.” She looked up and shook her head, her hair sticking to her wet cheeks. “And I know it’s not enough. It will never be enough. I offer my life, though it won’t give you back yours. I don’t want your magic, goddess,” Myanin cried out as she tugged at her clothes, as if she could somehow pull it out of her own body. “How could I do that to you! How could I rip away a part of you? Please, Great Luna, please take it away. Take it away, I beg you. Don’t let me stay like this.” Her voice was barely audible as she turned her face toward the sky. The rays of the sun had reached her feet and were slowly moving up her legs, her stomach, and neck, until finally the warmth rested on her tear-stained face. “Make me new,” she whispered.
Myanin didn’t know what she expected. Maybe for the earth to shake or a bright light to burn through her? Maybe for rain to fall from the sky to symbolically cleanse her, or for the Great Luna to literally reach into her chest and rip the beating organ from her chest. But none of those things happened.
“I forgive you,” Lyra’s voice said gently in her mind. Myanin felt the elder’s presence leave, though the pulse of her magic remained behind. She didn’t know what that meant.
“I forgive you, my child, my precious warrior who once was lost but now is found,” The goddess’s warmth engulfed her, even more than the sun. It surrounded her in a comforting embrace. Myanin felt it down to her soul. She was clean. The darkness that had been rotting her like an infection was gone. But would it stay gone?
“I’m afraid,” Myanin admitted to the Great Luna.
“Don’t be. Fear is a liar, he will steal your courage, he will rob you of your joy, and he will claim your victory as his own. My love for you is greater than your fear. Trust that.”
“And the magic?” she asked. “It’s still there. I don’t want it.”
“You will use it one last time, then you will let it go of your own free will.”
Myanin still felt the peace inside her even as the goddess’s voice faded from her mind. She could still feel the magic, though it didn’t burn anymore. Maybe because she no longer wanted it for herself? Maybe because she finally admitted it had never been okay for her to take it in the first place? Whatever the reason, even without the pain, she would be glad to let it go as soon as possible. She trusted that the Great Luna seemed to know Myanin would recognize when that time came. For now, she sat in the quiet landscape with the sun shining on her. The coldness that had chilled her to the bones, now gone.
A few minutes went by and then Tenia began to sing. Myanin didn’t open her eyes. She just listened as the haunting beauty of the fae’s voice caused goosebumps to rise on her arms.
Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.
’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils, and snares,
I have already come;
’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me,
His Word my hope secures;
He will my Shield and Portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who called me here below,
Will be forever mine.
When we’ve been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
Than when we’d first begun.
As Tenia’s voice faded and the song ended, Myanin swallowed hard and opened her eyes as a tear rolled down her cheek. “What was that?”
“It’s a song humans call a hymn. I heard it once in a church— a place where humans worship their Creator. It's a song written about Him. For some reason, whenever I sing it, I feel peace. It may have been written for them and their Creator, but I think it can apply to us and ours as well. Are we not wretched without the Great Luna? Are we not lost until we turn to her and accept her love? Does she not give us grace when we ask for it?” Tenia shrugged. “It’s just something I like to remind myself of, especially since I’ve been with the Order. Singing it helps me not feel so alone. I sing it to my son, and it brings him peace as well.”
Peace. That was something Myanin hadn’t felt in a long time, until now. It seemed like there’d been a hurricane raging inside of her for so long that she hadn’t even remembered what peace looked like or felt like. The song was the perfect representation of what Myanin had just experienced. It was what her own soul couldn’t put words to.
“You’ve found that grace, haven’t you?” Tenia asked.
Myanin nodded. “I have.” She wiped her face and pushed her hair back. “I’ve been so scared. I was seeing what I had become, and it was horrible, Tenia. If you could see inside me—”
“I’d see what resides in all of us,” Tenia interrupted. “The constant struggle between doing what we want and doing what is right.”
Myanin shook her head. “No, I was past that. My feet had been straddling some invisible line. The Great Luna standing on one side, and the life I was living on the other. I knew at some point I was going to have to move one of my feet one direction or the other. I couldn’t straddle the line forever. But fear held me still. I was frozen. Fear of the Great Luna seeing what I let myself become. Fear of what would happen.”
“And now?” Tenia asked, her eyes full of understanding.
Myanin was about to respond when she was suddenly struck by a massive blow to the head, or at least that’s what it felt like. When she opened her eyes, she was no longer sitting next to Tenia. Instead, she was standing in a room she didn’t recognize.
She glanced around and saw a woman pacing back and forth. The view wasn’t as crisp as if she were really physically in the place. There seemed to be a haze in the air, but Myanin could still see well enough. Myanin felt the distinct signature of powerful magic flowing from the woman, though she appeared human. At first, Myanin detected the magic of the warlock race. But the djinn could clearly see this woman was no warlock. She was too graceful, and in some ways, too human in her fidgeting, and regardless of the yellow eyes, she was something else. Then Myanin observed another kind of magic coming from the woman—that of the sprites.
Memories not her own assaulted Myanin. Unfortunately, they were a jumbled mess in the djinn’s mind. Apparently, that’s what happened when you took someone else’s magic and then messed with the current djinn history keeper. This must be what the Great Luna had said she’d need to use the magic for, then she could let it go. Myanin forced herself to focus because she truly did want to be rid of Lyra’s magic. She was able
to surmise through the jumbled mess in her mind, however, that she was looking at the current warlock queen, the mate to Cypher, who had been slain alongside the Romanian alphas.
Myanin watched as the queen paced back and forth. She could see the woman’s face was full of grief. The pain in her eyes was so familiar to Myanin that it almost felt as if the djinn was looking in a mirror. It was exactly how she’d looked when she’d learned about Jezebel and Thadrick. Though she recognized the pain, she was relieved to realize that, for her, it was only an unwelcome memory.
“You can do this, Lilly,” the warlock queen whispered. “Just pull yourself together and take charge.”
The female was giving herself a pep talk. Myanin wondered how long the warlock queen had been sequestered away in this suite, probably the room she had shared with her mate. How long had she grieved? However long it had been, it didn’t seem to be helping. The female looked a mess.
With an expression of consternation, Lilly, as she’d called herself, stared at the phone in her hand. She looked at it as if it were her worst enemy. Several minutes ticked by. Finally, the woman hit a button and then held the phone to her ear. A moment later, Myanin heard a female voice answer. Sometimes supernatural hearing was quite handy.
“MOM!” The woman on the other end yelled so loud that Lilly pulled the phone away from her ear for a moment before returning it.
“Hey, Jacque,” Lilly said. Only two words, but Myanin heard a myriad of emotions warring with each other in the queen’s voice. She looked as if she might collapse under the weight of them. “I’m sorry I haven’t called,” she continued. “It’s been tough.”
“It’s okay,” Jacque replied. “I won’t pretend I understand, Mom. And I’m sorry if I’ve been a bother by proxy. I know Peri and Dad have bugged you. I just… I needed to hear your voice.”
“You’re never a bother, love,” Lilly said, her voice filled with warmth and truth. “Honestly, I’m just embarrassed. When your father left, I was heartbroken, but I could function, you know. This”—she paused and let out a shaky breath—“damn, Jacque. This isn’t even in the same realm of what I felt when I lost Dillon.”
“Cypher is your soul mate, mom,” Jacque said gently. “That’s not something you can just move on from. It might never stop hurting. Good grief. I sound like Peri. She sucks at pep talks, too. I just hope you understand you don’t have to feel ashamed. Humans have it easy. Their souls don’t get tied—literally—to one another. You thought you were human when you mated with Cypher. You aren’t human. You’re a sprite. And you said the Great Luna blessed your union. Your soul was as bound to Cypher’s as mine is to Fane’s.”
Lilly choked on a sob and sank down into a chair. She covered her face with her free hand. “I’m so thankful you will always be with Fane, Jacque. You won’t have to ever endure this.”
“I would take it away from you if I could,” said Jacque, and Myanin could hear the ring of truth in it. The young woman loved her mother greatly; that much was clear.
Myanin watched as Lilly tried to pull herself together. “Perizada will be back tomorrow to drag me out of my chambers, whether or not I want to go. I’m trying, Jacque. I really am. I wish I could say that Peri’s threat is enough to get me moving, but it’s like everything in me has shut down. I don’t know how to move forward.”
“Dammit,” Jacque growled on the other end of the phone. “I wish I could help, Mom. And I know Peri has the best of intentions. But she can’t make you move past this. It has to be you. Something in you has to decide that you can’t stay hidden away. That sounds so bitchy, and I’m sorry. But it cannot be anyone else’s decision. Only yours. I keep trying to think of things you would say to me if I were in your shoes. You’ve always been good at pep talks. And I’m pretty sure I’m blowing this, but I just wish I could fix it.”
Lilly nodded and then seemed to realize her daughter couldn’t see her. “I know. I’ll figure it out. I promise.”
“If anyone can do this, it’s you.”
“Thank you. Give Slate a kiss for me, okay?” Lilly asked.
“Of course I will. Please come see us as soon as you can. I mean, no pressure, but maybe a little pressure.”
Lilly laughed. “Okay. I promise. I love you, kiddo.” Lilly ended the call and set the phone beside her.
Myanin watched as the warlock queen stood motionless, staring at the floor. She muttered something under her breath, but Myanin didn’t catch it. Instead, the djinn studied Lilly’s body language. Her shoulders slumped forward in defeat, her face lost and forlorn, and her hands trembled at her sides as if they needed to hold something but there was nothing left to hold. This was a woman who had lost not just one man, but two. She’d said that when Jacque’s father had left, she’d been able to move on, but it wasn’t the same with her soul mate. Losing her soul mate seemed to have knocked the queen on her ass, permanently.
Myanin watched Lilly wipe away more tears and felt a kindred spirit with the woman. The djinn knew what it was like to be frozen in a state of complete bleakness. Slowly, as if watching the dawn creep onto the horizon, Myanin began to have a realization. Yes, she’d been heartbroken when Thad left, much like Lilly had been about Dillon. But Myanin hadn’t been permanently stopped in her tracks. The grief she’d experienced wasn’t the same as she saw Lilly enduring now. That could only mean one thing—Thad was not her soul mate. It was as the Great Luna had said. Thadrick was not meant to be hers, no matter how badly she wanted him to be. Deep down, she’d probably known that all along. But until now, she’d not been able to face the truth. Even after the Great Luna had spoken to her, after admitting all of her guilt, there was a small part of her that still wanted to hold on to Thad and almost felt like she needed to. But standing here, watching the queen so lost without the other half of her soul, Myanin realized that what she felt for Thad was an imitation of the real thing. She didn’t want an imitation.
The truth came with a painful finality. She knew she’d never be with Thad. But there was another emotion walking hand in hand with the pain—freedom. A lot like the freedom she’d experienced when she finally confessed her transgressions. The weight was gone. It allowed her to breathe a little easier. Myanin felt as if a veil had been lifted from her eyes. The world, which she’d hadn’t even realized had been muted sepia, became crisp and vibrant to her once again.
Now, as the djinn stared at the distraught woman, empathy overwhelmed Myanin. To her surprise, she realized she wanted to help the queen. Call it female solidarity, or whatever, but she didn’t enjoy seeing this woman, this incredibly strong woman, so broken.
Myanin walked toward her.
“Hello, Queen Lilly,” she called. Myanin knew before she spoke the words that the queen wouldn’t be able to hear her. The djinn circled the oblivious female, thinking about what she might do to help. How could she shake the woman out of the grief? How could she force her to act like the queen she needed to be?
A plan began to formulate in her mind, as she smiled. She knew what to do. “See you soon, Queen,” she crooned. Then the djinn concentrated hard on her own consciousness. She wasn’t exactly sure how to transport herself out of this vision, but she assumed a strong infusion of willpower would do the trick.
Myanin felt the breath being ripped from her lungs as she focused on wanting to be in the present. All of her desire went into needing to be where she could begin to put her plan in motion, help and no longer hinder herself or anyone else. The pressure in her mind built and just when she thought her skull might explode, Myanin found herself once again sitting next to Tenia. She was breathing hard, and her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest. Tendrils of sweat trailed down Myanin’s neck as her skin began to heat. She felt Lyra’s magic undulating beneath her skin, seeking a way out.
“That was interesting.” Tenia said, her voice a little higher than usual.
“One second,” Myanin said as she tried to catch her breath. “It’s about to get more interestin
g.”
In her mind, Myanin pictured the magic rising to the surface of her flesh, much like the sweat on her skin. She pictured it sitting there, no longer trapped inside, and then she imagined a massive downpour of rain. The kind of rain that kept you from seeing even a foot in front of you, washing away all of the magic from her skin. Suddenly, there it was. One drop, then a second, and then a downpour. She heard Tenia curse, but Myanin just threw her head back and laughed as the power she’d stolen, that she’d forced to bend to her will, was washed away. The rain drenched her in seconds, and it was the cleanest Myanin had felt in years, maybe even centuries. “Thank you,” she whispered through the deafening downpour.
“There is still much to do, my warrior.” The Great Luna’s voice filled her mind.
“Myanin?” Tenia’s yelled, “Are you all right?”
Myanin heard the apprehension in the fae’s voice.
“I am,” Myanin yelled back. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Well, a few minutes ago you sort of just crumbled to the ground, like your legs couldn’t hold your weight, and you grabbed your head. I tried speaking to you, but you didn’t appear to hear me. I’m guessing that was a little side effect of stealing your elder’s magic? Then you were suddenly back, and you couldn’t breathe, then the sky opened and is currently trying to drown us, and you’re just sitting there laughing. Forgive me if I’m not reassured by your ‘why wouldn’t I be’,” Tenia explained.
“Yes, that was the elder’s magic, but it’s gone now. I’m free of it, praise the Great Luna.” Myanin sighed. “As for the rain, doesn’t it feel good to be washed?” She turned and looked at Tenia. The rain had slowed, and she could see the fae’s face clearly. Her eyes were wide, her cheeks a little flushed, and she honestly looked like she didn’t have the slightest idea how to answer Myanin’s question.
“I prefer my showers in an actual shower,” Tenia said after several beats of silence. “Just, a, uh, personal preference I guess.” She paused as she wiped the water out of her eyes and then asked again, “Are you really all right?”