She’d tried thinking of the good times like Ana had suggested, but they were buried so deeply that she had a hard time finding any. She’d finally been able to dig up a vague image of her mother making homemade playdough with flour, water, food coloring, and a few other ingredients she couldn’t remember. They would spend hours modelling different animals and characters. As the image became clearer, she remembered laughing so hard her belly hurt. And she was reminded of how much she’d loved hearing her mother laugh. Her laughter was not like hers and her father’s. It was quieter, closer to a wheezing sound punctuated with an occasional snorting that made her laugh even more.
“That looks good,” Ana declared as she came down the stairs, startling her. “I figured you wouldn’t be decorating.”
“I didn’t think I would either, but why not?” She turned to face her. “Are you going for a walk?” she asked when she noticed Ana was wearing her Merrell boots and winter jacket.
“Yes, would you like to join me?”
“If you don’t mind walking on the street. The beach is a little tough with the stroller.”
“Sure, I think Miller and I can manage the street today,” Ana said with a mischievous grin.
Melodie smiled as she rolled her eyes. “All right, will you help me get Thomas dressed?”
“Of course.”
They’d been cordial to each other since their talk about Nicole and forgiveness. Melodie wasn’t sure how long this truce would last, but she purposefully avoided talking about the relationship they’d almost had or the pain she’d gone through in the last twelve months. She didn’t want to ruin this detente. She needed Ana’s friendship right now. She needed her support and her advice much more than her anger. Perhaps knowing she would leave the inn in a few days helped her see things differently, although her stomach turned into knots every time she thought about it.
As they stepped outside and she installed Thomas in his stroller, she realized that although they’d both taken daily walks for as long as they’d known each other, this would be the first time they walked together.
They started in the direction of the church without hesitation, as if it was the only way to go. She pushed the stroller and Ana held on to Miller’s leash. “Have you signed your lease yet?”
“Yes. The tenant will be out between Christmas and New Year’s so all I’ll need to do is clean up and move in.”
“Don’t you need to go get your furniture in Ithaca? Or buy some?”
“No, it’s furnished.”
“Oh, well that’s convenient.” She heard the lack of sincerity in her own voice. She didn’t understand the weight in her chest, the panic at the thought of Ana leaving the White Sheep Inn.
“Do you know when Nicole will be arriving?”
The heaviness in her chest multiplied instantly at Ana’s question, and she understood that more than anything she was terrified of being left alone with the woman she desperately tried not to think of as her mother.
“Any day now, I guess.”
“If you want, I can wait until she goes back to Montreal before I move out,” Ana suggested. “I mean, if you think that would be helpful,” she added hesitantly.
Melodie sighed with relief and grabbed Ana’s arm. “That would be so helpful. You have no clue.”
“Great. I’ll stay then.”
“Thank you.”
“There’s no need to thank me, Melodie. I’ll stay as long as you need me. The only reason I’m leaving is because you asked me to.”
“Right,” she simply said, avoiding meeting her gaze. Saying anything else would bring them back to the reasons why she’d asked Ana to leave and would disturb their newfound and fragile peace. Besides, she wasn’t sure what she could say next. She couldn’t ask her to stay, could she? Things would eventually get too complicated if she did. “It’s cold, huh?”
“Yes,” Ana replied softly with a hint of sadness.
They walked in silence the rest of the way to the church. Although silence between them had once been comfortable, it was now awkward and she felt obligated to break it when they turned around to go back to the inn. “When are you starting your new job?”
“Second week of January.”
“You must have made a great impression on them when you were conducting your interviews. I mean for them to offer you a position like that. It’s pretty impressive.”
“It didn’t really happen that way. They didn’t just offer me a position. I had to convince them I was worth it. It wasn’t easy but fortunately Professor Hubert supported me and together we showed the ISMER team I would be a valuable asset to the institute.”
“What team?”
“ISMER. Institut des Sciences de la Mer de Rimouski. Don’t make fun of my accent. I’ll learn eventually.”
She couldn’t help but smile, but not because she was making fun of Ana. She actually found her accent adorable. “I won’t, and I’m sure you will. I’ve heard of the Institute of Marine Science. I’m sure you have a lot to bring to their team.”
“Yes, well, some would argue the pay cut I took didn’t quite make sense for my career, but I wanted to be here more than anything.”
“Oh, Ana, I’m so sorry.” She shouldn’t feel guilty. She hadn’t asked Ana to give up her job to move to Rimouski, yet she couldn’t help but feel somewhat responsible.
“Don’t be. I don’t regret anything,” she quickly said to reassure her. “Apart from leaving in the first place, of course.”
And there they were again. Perhaps a walk was a little too much time together to avoid picking at wounds that hadn’t properly healed yet. As they approached the inn, Melodie was relieved to find a new car in the parking lot. Welcoming a new guest to the inn would successfully distract her from the awkwardness of her walk with Ana, she thought, as she hurried inside, carrying Thomas in her arms. Her relief was short-lived, however, and immediately replaced with unbearable anxiety when she recognized the new guest standing in the lobby.
“Hi, Melodie.”
“Hi, Nicole,” she replied in a barely audible voice, grateful for the strong hand she felt on her lower back.
“And this is Thomas, I suppose? Oh he’s so precious,” she continued as she moved toward them, stopping only when Melodie instinctively stepped backward into Ana’s arms. “And you are?” she asked as she looked over her shoulder at Ana.
Nicole spoke French but Ana understood she was asking for her name when she looked at her. “Ana Bloom. Nice to meet you,” Ana answered as she stepped around Melodie to shake the woman’s hand. Nicole was strikingly beautiful and elegant. She’d obviously given Melodie her round face and dimples, but her eyes were dark brown and her hair was straight, although Ana suspected she might have straightened it. It was too perfect, smooth and shiny, and the red color was clearly artificial. Her dark green suit had the perfect fit and her handshake was firm but not overpowering. Everything about her screamed business, from her polished appearance to the polite arrogance in her half smile.
“Nice to meet you, Ana,” she answered in English with barely a hint of an accent. Several questions passed through her eyes, but Ana was grateful she didn’t dare voice any of them. Ana wouldn’t have been able to explain her role or place in Melodie’s life at the moment, and she was certain Melodie didn’t want to explain either, as she moved away from them to sit Thomas on the reception desk and undress him, “Oh, could I please do it?” Nicole asked in a small voice, going from strong business woman to scared and tentative in a second.
“Sure,” Melodie granted. She stepped back to give Nicole enough room and Ana grabbed her hand. She meant it as a brief show of encouragement but Melodie squeezed her hand tightly and wouldn’t let go. They watched in silence as Nicole undressed Thomas, who smiled and laughed at the funny faces and voices she made for his entertainment.
“He laughs exactly like you did at that age. I couldn’t get enough of that sound,” she said as she turned to them. Her smile appeared genuine and her eyes glis
tened with tears. She looked at their joined hands and dared to ask at last, “Are you two together?” Melodie dropped Ana’s hand and they looked at each other, panicked. “It’s fine if you are. I know you’re gay, Melodie,” she added, misunderstanding their hesitation to answer.
“And how the hell would you know that?” Melodie hissed between clenched teeth before she pushed Nicole away from Thomas and finished taking off his snowsuit.
Nicole closed her eyes and sighed. “I know more than you think. You’re my daughter, after all.”
Melodie picked up Thomas and handed him to Ana before she turned back to Nicole. “No. I was your daughter a very long time ago. We’re nothing but strangers now and my love life is none of your business. The only reason I let you come here was to give you a chance not to be a stranger to your grandson too. Is that clear?” Nicole nodded sheepishly. “Now if you’ll follow me, I’ll show you to your room.” She grabbed a key from behind the reception desk and headed upstairs. Nicole took her suitcase and followed.
Ana put Thomas down on the floor and took off her winter jacket and boots before she got on her knees to join him in petting Miller. “I think he’s thirsty. Do you want to come with me and get water for him?” Thomas nodded and she took his hand to lead him toward the kitchen. Before they’d made it out of the lobby, however, Melodie came back downstairs, took off her jacket and placed it on its usual hook. “Are you okay?” Ana asked.
“Not really,” she said as calmly as she could, as if she could burst into tears at any moment. “I promised myself I wouldn’t let her upset me and I couldn’t even last two minutes. I didn’t want her to think she can still affect me, damn shit.” She hit the reception desk with her fist and Thomas jumped, startled.
Ana handed him his favorite stuffed animal before she moved closer to Melodie and rubbed her back gently.
“You must think I didn’t listen to a word you said the other day, but I did. I’m really trying,” Melodie said before her voice broke and she started sobbing. She turned and Ana welcomed her in her arms. She rocked her gently as she caressed her hair.
“I don’t think anything of the sort. I didn’t talk to you about my own mother to dictate what you should do with yours. The last thing you should worry about is what I think, but I’m actually proud of what you did.”
“Really? You don’t think I was unfair?” she asked against her shoulder as the sobs subsided.
“Absolutely not. You set your limits, and there’s nothing wrong with that. And you’re giving her the opportunity to become a real grandmother to Thomas, despite your own feelings about her. That’s so generous. I truly admire you for that.”
“Really?” she repeated as she broke their embrace to look at her.
“Really.” She couldn’t resist caressing her face and was surprised when Melodie leaned into her hand. “You’re amazing, don’t you know that? And certainly the best mother I’ve ever met in my life.”
Melodie smiled and placed a soft kiss in the palm of her hand before she answered, “Thank you. For this and for earlier. For being here with me.”
“I’ve told you before. I’ll be here for you as long as you let me.” Melodie’s gaze dropped, and she appeared as uncomfortable as the first time she’d said those words during their walk. Resigned, Ana stepped away to give her space. “I’ll go get water for Miller,” she announced before she left the lobby. She was convinced a part of Melodie wanted to ask her to stay, but she respected the bigger part of her that didn’t trust her. She’d be here to support her while she needed it, but she’d leave as soon as Nicole did, as promised.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Melodie placed doughnuts in a large serving plate and sprinkled a pinch of powdered sugar on top. She slightly opened the kitchen door and glanced into the dining room where they’d put two tables together to seat Nicole, Kevin, Ana, Jerome, Thomas and herself. She watched as Nicole amused Thomas with crayons at one end of the table while Jerome and Kevin argued about hockey at the other end. Ana sat in the middle and when she saw Melodie look in her direction, she realized she’d been caught and immediately closed the kitchen door.
She placed a white paper filter in the coffee machine and filled the coffeepot with cold water, taking her time to return to the dining room. Nicole had been at the inn for three days and tonight was her last night. After dinner, Kevin would be taking Thomas to spend a few days with his family so there was no reason for her to stay any longer. Nicole seemed to accept that although Melodie welcomed her presence for Thomas’s sake, she didn’t want to be alone with her. Since she’d made her limits clear at her arrival, Nicole hadn’t attempted to show interest in her life or to start up any type of conversation. She respected her boundaries, and Melodie was grateful for that.
Still, tonight was Christmas Eve and she’d decided to make it a special night, some kind of celebration, despite her imperfect family and her lack of motivation. She’d made the effort for Thomas, she repeated to herself. She’d cooked turkey with all the trimmings and she’d made homemade doughnuts, a recipe she’d learned from her father, who’d inherited it from her great-grandmother. She stared at the glass pot as coffee slowly dripped into it.
“This looks delicious. Can I help with anything?” Ana asked as she entered the kitchen and eyed the plated dessert.
“You can take this plate to the table. I’ll join you with the coffee as soon as it’s ready.”
Instead of leaving the kitchen with the dessert as instructed right away, Ana put her arm around her shoulders and squeezed gently. She’d been so attentive for the last three days, always there to check on Melodie and to show her support, whether it was with an encouraging touch like this one or simple eye contact that reminded Melodie she was on her side. Melodie was quickly growing used to her presence. She counted on it. Perhaps a little too much. She didn’t want to put herself in a position where she relied on Ana, yet that’s exactly what she’d done. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, thanks. Go ahead, I’ll be there in a minute.”
“All right.”
Ana left with the plate of doughnuts and Melodie watched Nicole’s reaction from the door. She saw her smile and put a hand to her heart before she looked up and spotted her. Her eyes shimmered with tears, and she smiled before she closed the kitchen door again. She’d made Nicole’s favorite dessert on purpose, although she couldn’t explain why. The reason she was staying in the kitchen for so long was not because she couldn’t stand sitting at a table with Nicole or even being in the same room with her, as she’d let her father, Kevin, and even Ana believe. The real reason was much worse.
The more time she spent in Nicole’s presence and the more she watched her play and exchange with Thomas, the more good memories came back to her. She remembered laughing at the same grimaces Thomas found so hilarious. She remembered the bedtime stories she heard her tell Thomas at night before they went back to the duplex and left her alone at the inn with Ana. When she watched her draw with Thomas, she remembered the hours they spent drawing together, making up stories as they went. Nicole was a talented artist and each of their stories was like an improvised comic book Melodie kept with such pride until her mother moved away. She’d looked for them at the duplex, hoping her grandmother had kept them, but she figured they’d probably been destroyed inside the blue saltbox house in the storm of 2010. Then, as she was deciding on the menu for tonight’s dinner, she remembered how much her mother loved these doughnuts and how her father used to make them every year for Christmas. The good times were flooding her mind, and she didn’t know what to do with them.
She took a deep breath, retrieved the full coffeepot, and finally headed back to the dining room, where everyone waited for her. “Go ahead, help yourselves while I serve the coffee.” Her guests didn’t need more convincing to grab a doughnut, and she couldn’t help but watch Nicole bite into hers as she poured coffee for her father.
“Oh, Melodie, these are divine,” she declared as she looked into her eyes
.
“Thank you,” she replied with a smile before she averted her eyes, unable to keep her heart from being filled with pride.
“They’re really good, baby. Even better than mine,” her father added. “I stopped making these years ago. If I’d known you still had the recipe I would have asked you to make them all the time,” he said before he exploded in laughter.
Melodie silently cussed her father for letting the cat out of the bag. She didn’t want Nicole to think she’d made the dessert especially for her, but it was too late now. As she turned to watch her reaction she saw her mouth the words “thank you,” and Melodie looked away without acknowledging her gratitude. Damn shit, Dad, couldn’t you keep your mouth shut?
They enjoyed dessert and coffee before Kevin discreetly announced they’d better leave for his parents’ house before Thomas’s bedtime. “I’ll help Melodie with the dishes and I’ll be on my way as well,” Nicole added to everyone’s surprise, including Melodie’s.
“You don’t have to drive to Montreal this late. Stay the night,” she offered.
“Don’t worry. I’ll be fine. I have friends in Quebec City I can stay with if I don’t feel like going all the way home. Besides, we had a deal, didn’t we?” She smiled and Melodie smiled back, grateful for her understanding. “I hope I can come back soon, though. I really do want to spend more time with my grandson.”
“Of course. All you have to do is let me know and I’ll have a room ready for you.”
“Thank you.” Melodie nodded and Nicole smiled again before she stood up and started clearing the table.
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