STORY SIX
Charles, the last Duke of Alençon, had a valet de chambre who was blind in one eye, and who was married to a woman a good few years younger than himself. Now, of all the men of that rank in the household this man was particularly well-liked by his master and mistress. This meant that he could not get home to see his wife as often as he would have liked, which in turn led to her neglecting her honour and conscience to the extent that she fell for a young man. There was so much malicious gossip about this affair that the husband eventually got wind of it, although he found it difficult to believe, as his wife always seemed to be very affectionate with him. One day he decided to check up on her and, if he could, get his own back on her for disgracing him. So he told her that he had to go away for two or three days to some place not far off. No sooner was he out of the door than the wife invited her young man round. But he had not been there above half an hour when back comes the husband and hammers loudly on the front door. She recognized the knock and told her lover, who was so terrified he wished he had never been born. He cursed his mistress and the whole wretched love-affair for placing him in such a tight corner. But she told him not to worry, she would find some way of getting him out of it without injury either to himself or his honour, and instructed him to get his clothes on as fast as he could. The husband was still banging at the door, and shouting for his wife at the top of his voice. But she pretended not to recognize him, and called out, as if to [the servants]: ‘Why don’t you get up, and tell whoever it is out there to be quiet? This is no time to be knocking at respectable people’s doors! If my husband were here, he’d soon put a stop to it!’
Hearing his wife’s voice, the husband called out as loud as he could: ‘Open up, wife. Are you going to keep me standing here till morning?’
Seeing that her lover was ready to be off, she opened the door, and said to her husband: ‘My dear husband, how glad I am to see you! I’ve just had a marvellous dream, and I’ve never felt so happy, because I dreamt that you’d got the sight back in your eye!’
She put her arms round him and kissed him, took his head in both hands, and covered up his good eye.
‘Is it not true that you can see better than before?’ she demanded. He could not see a thing, of course, and the wife gave her lover the sign to make his getaway.
Guessing what was going on, the husband said: ‘By Heavens, woman, I’m not going to spy on you any more! I thought I was going to catch you out, but in return you play me the most cunning trick anyone’s ever thought of. May God give you the punishment you deserve! Because there’s not a man alive can make a bad woman behave herself, short of murdering her! Since treating you kindly as I’ve done up till now, hasn’t made you mend your ways, perhaps you’ll be brought to heel if from now on I treat you with the contempt you deserve!’
So saying, he stormed off, leaving her quite distressed, though in the end, by dint of tears, excuses and the mediation of her friends, she managed to get him to come back to her.
*
‘So you can see, Ladies, that women can be very cunning when they’re in a scrape. And if they’re clever enough to cover up something bad, I think they’d be even more ingenious in avoiding bad deeds or in doing good ones. A shrewd wit is always stronger in the end, as everybody always says.’
‘You can talk about your feminine cunning as much as you like,’ said Hircan, ‘but in my opinion, if anything like that happened to you, you would be incapable of covering it up!’
‘I’d rather you thought I was the stupidest woman in the world!’ replied Nomerfide.
‘I don’t say that,’ he went on, ‘but I do think you’re the sort of woman who gets worked up over a rumour, instead of thinking of some clever way of putting an end to it.’
‘You think that everyone’s like you,’ she replied, ‘quite ready to cover up one rumour with another. But there’s always the risk that a cover-up will end up destroying the very thing it was meant to conceal, like a building that collapses because the roof’s too heavy for the foundations. However if you think that [male] cunning – and everyone knows you’ve got your fair share of that – is superior to female cunning, then I’ll make way for you, so that you can tell us the seventh story. And if you’d like to tell us about yourself by way of example, I’m sure you’d teach us all a good deal about wickedness and trickery!’
‘I’m not here to give myself a worse reputation than I’ve already got. There are already enough people willing to say worse things about me than I care for!’ said Hircan, glancing at his wife, who quickly replied:
‘Don’t be afraid to tell the truth because of me. It will be easier for me to hear about your little games than to have had to watch you playing them under my nose – though nothing you may do could diminish the love I bear you.’
‘Then I shan’t complain about all the wrong opinions that you have held about me. So, since we know and understand one another, there is reason to feel more reassurance for the future. All the same I wouldn’t be so foolish as to tell you a story about myself, when the facts might be hurtful to you – but I will tell one about a man who was a close friend of mine.’
STORY SEVEN
In the town of Paris there was once a merchant who was in love with a young girl who was a neighbour of his. To be more accurate, it was the girl who was in love with him, rather than the other way round. He merely pretended to be devoted to her in order to cover up a more exalted and honourable passion for someone else. But she let herself be deceived, and was so infatuated that she had completely forgotten that it is the custom for women to reject men’s advances. For a long while the merchant had taken the trouble of going to seek her out, but eventually he was able to persuade her to come to meet him where it suited him. Her mother, who was a most respectable person, realized what was going on, and forbade the girl ever to speak to the merchant again, or she would be sent straight to a convent. But the girl was more in love with her merchant than she was in awe of her mother, and only did her best to see him more often than ever.
One day the merchant happened to find her alone in her dressing-room. It was a convenient place for his purposes, so he proceeded to make overtures to her in the most intimate fashion. But some chambermaid or other who had seen him going in ran off and told the mother, who flew into a rage and immediately came along to catch them. The girl heard her coming and burst into tears.
‘Alas! Alas! My love,’ she wailed to her merchant, ‘my hour is come and I shall pay the price for the love I bear you! Here’s my mother coming. This is what she’s feared and suspected all along, and now she’ll discover that it’s true!’
The merchant was not the sort of man to be upset by a situation of this kind. He jumped up and went to meet the mother, put his arms around her and hugged and kissed her as hard as he could. Already in a passionate mood after flirting with her daughter, he flung the poor old woman on to a couch. She found this so extraordinary that all she could manage to say was: ‘What do you want? Have you gone mad?’
But he was not deterred. Indeed, he went about it as if she had been the most attractive young girl he had ever seen. If her screams had not brought her servants and chambermaids running to her rescue, she would have gone the same way she feared her daughter was going! The servants extricated the poor old dear from the merchant’s embraces without her having the vaguest idea why he had given her such a mauling. While all this was going on, the girl escaped to a neighbour’s house, where there happened to be a wedding reception going on.
The merchant and the girl often had a good laugh together at the mother’s expense, and the old woman never found them out.
*
‘So, you can see, Ladies, how male cleverness succeeded in outwitting the old woman and in saving the young girl’s honour. But anyone who knew the names of the people involved, or who saw the merchant’s face or the old woman’s astonishment, would have to be very afraid for his conscience if he refused to laugh. But I’ll be quite satisfied if my s
tory has proved to you that men are just as resourceful and quick-witted as women when they need to be. So, dear Ladies, you should have no fear of falling into their hands, because, should you be lost for a way out, they will always be able to cover up and save your honour!’
‘Yes, Hircan, I agree that it’s a very funny story,’ said Longarine, ‘and that the man was very clever. All the same, I don’t think it’s an example that young girls should follow. I suspect there are some you’d like to persuade to do so. But I don’t think you’re so stupid as to want your wife to play such games, or the lady whose honour is dearer to you than pleasure. I don’t think there’s anyone who would keep a closer watch on them than you, or anyone who would more promptly put a stop to such things.’
‘On my oath,’ replied Hircan, ‘if [the ones] you refer to had done anything like that, I wouldn’t think any the less of them for it – provided I knew nothing about it! For all I know, someone might have played just as good a trick on me, but if so, I know nothing about it, so it doesn’t worry me.’
Parlamente could not resist commenting: ‘It’s impossible for men who do wrong themselves not to be suspicious of others. But it’s a happy man who gives no cause for others to be suspicious of him.’
‘Well, I’ve never seen fire without smoke,’ said Longarine, ‘but I have seen smoke without fire! Malicious people are often just as good at smelling something bad when it doesn’t exist, as they are when it does.’
‘Since you speak so strongly in favour of women who get suspected wrongly, Longarine,’ said Hircan, ‘I choose you to tell us the eighth story, on condition that you don’t make us all weep, like Madame Oisille did, with her excessive zeal for stories in praise of virtuous women.’
Longarine broke into a hearty laugh, and said: ‘Since you want me to make you laugh, in my usual fashion, it won’t be at the expense of women. Yet I shall tell you something to show how easy they are to deceive when they fill their heads with jealous thoughts, and pride themselves on their good sense for wanting to deceive their husbands.’
STORY EIGHT
In the county of Alès there was once a man by the name of Bornet, who had married a very decent and respectable woman. He held her honour and reputation very dear, as I am sure all husbands here hold the honour and reputation of their wives dear. He wanted her to be faithful to him, but was not so keen on having the rule applied to them both equally. He had become enamoured of his chambermaid, though the only benefit he got from transferring his affections in this way was the sort of pleasure one gets from varying one’s diet. He had a neighbour called Sendras, who was of similar station and temperament to himself – he was a tailor and a drummer. These two were such close friends that, with the exception of the wife, there was nothing that they did not share between them. Naturally he told him that he had designs on the chambermaid.
Not only did his friend wholeheartedly approve of this, but did his best to help him, in the hope that he too might get a share in the spoils.
The chambermaid herself refused to have anything to do with him, although he was constantly pestering her, and in the end she went to tell her mistress about it. She told her that she could not stand being badgered by him any longer, and asked permission to go home to her parents. Now the good lady of the house, who was really very much in love with her husband, had often had occasion to suspect him, and was therefore rather pleased to be one up on him, and to be able to show him that she had found out what he was up to. So she said to her maid: ‘Be nice to him, dear, encourage him a little bit, and then make a date to go to bed with him in my dressing-room. Don’t forget to tell me which night he’s supposed to be coming, and make sure you don’t tell anyone else.’
The maid did exactly as her mistress had instructed. As for her master, he was so pleased with himself that he went off to tell his friend about his stroke of luck, whereupon the friend insisted on taking his share afterwards, since he had been in on the business from the beginning. When the appointed time came, off went the master, as had been agreed, to get into bed, as he thought, with his little chambermaid. But his wife, having abandoned her position of authority in order to serve in a more pleasurable one, had taken her maid’s place in the bed. When he got in with her, she did not act like a wife, but like a bashful young girl, and he was not in the slightest suspicious. It would be impossible to say which of them enjoyed themselves more –the wife deceiving her husband, or the husband who thought he was deceiving his wife. He stayed in bed with her for some time, not as long as he might have wished (many years of marriage were beginning to tell on him), but as long as he could manage. Then he went out to rejoin his accomplice, and tell him what a good time he had had. The lustiest piece of goods he had ever come across, he declared. His friend, who was younger and more active than he was, said: ‘Remember what you promised?’
‘Hurry up, then,’ replied the master, ‘in case she gets up, or my wife wants her for something.’
Off he went and climbed into bed with the supposed chambermaid his friend had just failed to recognize as his wife. She thought it was her husband again, and did not refuse anything he asked for (I say ‘asked’, but ‘took’ would be nearer the mark, because he did not dare open his mouth). He made a much longer business of it than the husband, to the surprise of the wife, who was not used to these long nights of pleasure. However, she did not complain, and looked forward to what she was planning to say to him in the morning, and the fun she would have teasing him. When dawn came, the man got up, and fondling her as he got out of bed, pulled off a ring she wore on her finger, a ring that her husband had given her at their marriage. Now the women in this part of the world are very superstitious about such things. They have great respect for women who hang on to their wedding rings till the day they die, and if a woman loses her ring, she is dishonoured, and is looked upon as having given her faith to another man. But she did not mind him taking it, because she thought it would be sure evidence against her husband of the way she had hoodwinked him.
The husband was waiting outside for his friend, and asked him how he had got on. The man said he shared the husband’s opinion, and added that he would have stayed longer, had he not been afraid of getting caught by the daylight. The pair of them then went off to get as much sleep as they could. When morning came, and they were getting dressed together, the husband noticed that his friend had on his finger a ring that was identical to the one he had given his wife on their wedding day. He asked him where he had got it, and when he was told it had come from the chambermaid the night before, he was aghast. He began banging his head against the wall, and shouted: ‘Oh my God! Have I gone and made myself a cuckold without my wife even knowing about it?’
His friend tried to calm him down. ‘Perhaps your wife had given the ring to the girl to look after before going to bed?’ he suggested. The husband made no reply, but marched straight out and went back to his house.
There he found his wife looking unusually gay and attractive. Had she not saved her chambermaid from staining her conscience, and had she not put her husband to the ultimate test, without any more cost to herself than a night’s sleep? Seeing her in such good spirits, the husband thought to himself: ‘She wouldn’t be greeting me so cheerfully if she knew what I’d been up to.’
As they chatted, he took hold of her hand and saw that the ring, which normally never left her finger, had disappeared. Horrified, he stammered: ‘What have you done with your ring?’
She was pleased that he was giving her the opportunity to say what she had to say.
‘Oh! You’re the most dreadful man I ever met! Who do you think you got it from? You think you got it from the chambermaid, don’t you? You think you got it from that girl you’re so much in love with, the girl who gets more out of you than I’ve ever had! The first time you got into bed you were so passionate that I thought you must be about as madly in love with her as it was possible for any man to be! But when you came back the second time, after getting up, you were an
absolute devil! Completely uncontrolled you were, didn’t know when to stop! You miserable man! You must have been blinded by desire to pay such tribute to my body – after all you’ve had me long enough without showing much appreciation for my figure. So it wasn’t because that young girl is so pretty and so shapely that you were enjoying yourself so much. Oh no! You enjoyed it so much because you were seething with some depraved pent-up lust – in short the sin of concupiscence was raging within you, and your senses were dulled as a result. In fact you’d worked yourself up into such a state that I think any old nanny-goat would have done for you, pretty or otherwise! Well, my dear, it’s time you mended your ways. It’s high time you were content with me for what I am – your own wife and an honest woman, and it’s high time that you found that just as satisfying as when you thought I was a poor little erring chambermaid. I did what I did in order to save you from your wicked ways, so that when you get old, we can live happily and peacefully together without anything on our consciences. Because if you go on in the way you have been, I’d rather leave you altogether than see you destroying your soul day by day, and at the same time destroying your physical health and squandering everything you have before my very eyes! But if you will acknowledge that you’ve been in the wrong, and make up your mind to live according to the ways of God and His commandments, then I’ll overlook all your past misbehaviour, even as I hope God will forgive me my ingratitude to Him, and failure to love Him as I ought.’
If there was ever a man who was dumbfounded and despairing, it was this poor husband. There was his wife, looking so pretty, and yet so sensible and so chaste, and he had gone and left her for a girl who did not love him. What was worse, he had had the misfortune to have gone and made her do something wicked without her even realizing what was happening. He had gone and let another man share pleasures which, rightly, were his alone to enjoy. He had gone and given himself cuckold’s horns and made himself look ridiculous for evermore. But he could see she was already angry enough about the chambermaid, and he did not dare tell her about the other dirty trick he had played. So he promised that he would leave his wicked ways behind him, asked her to forgive him and gave her the ring back. He told his friend not to breathe a word to anybody, but secrets of this sort nearly always end up being proclaimed from the [roof-tops,] and it was not long before the facts became public knowledge. The husband was branded as a cuckold without his wife having done a single thing to disgrace herself.
The Heptameron Page 11