Delphi Complete Works of Lucian

by Lucian Samosata

  TRIEPHO

  I know him. It’s the inspector of taxes you mean. Then what happened?

  CRITIAS

  20. Well I had pushed a great many people aside and was reaching the front. I had wished him good morning and was just coming up to him when a fellow, Charicenus by name, a mouldering wheezy old creature, gave a deep cough, slowly cleared his throat and spat. And his spittle was darker than death. Then he began to speak in a thin voice, saying: “He, as I have just said, will cancel all arrears due to the inspectors of taxes. He will pay creditors what they are owed and pay all rents and public dues. He will welcome to him even police magistrates without enquiring after their calling.” And he went on talking still more offensive rubbish. But those around him found pleasure in his words and were engrossed by the novelty of what they heard.

  21. But another man, Chleuocharmus by name, one clad in a dilapidated cloak, bare-footed and half naked, did speak in their midst with chattering teeth and said, “A poorly clad man from the mountains with hair cut short showed me that name inscribed in the theatre in hieroglyphic writing, telling how he would flood the highway with streams of gold.”

  But I spoke after the manner of Aristander and Artemidorus saying: “These dreams will not turn out well for you all, but the more debts, sir, you dream you pay, the more will you find them multiply. And this fellow here will lose almost every farthing, since in dreams he has been rich in gold. But you seem to me to have reached in your sleep the White Rock and Land of Dreams, and to have crowded so many dreams into a split second of the night.’

  22. They all cackled as though choking with laughter, and thought me guilty of stupidity. But I said to Crato “Have I, to use a comic phrase, missed the scent in all this and failed to follow the tracks of the dreams after the manner of Aristander of Telmessus and Artemidorus of Ephesus?”

  But he said “Hush, Critias. If you hold your tongue, I shall initiate you into the most beautiful mysteries and events presently to take place. For these things are not dreams but very truth, and will come about in the month of Mesori.

  When I had heard these words of Crato, and had passed judgment on the fallibility of their thoughts, I blushed for shame and walked away dejectedly with many hard thoughts about Crato. But one of them directed on me the fierce gaze of a Titan, seized my robe and started to tear it, for that old devil kept urging and goading him to make a speech.

  23. After a conversation of some length between us, I had the misfortune to be persuaded by him to meet with mountebank fellows and, to use the common saying, to strike an unlucky day. For he said he had been initiated into everything by these men. And behold we passed through the gates of iron and o’er the thresholds of bronze, and after we had twisted and turned our way up many steps, we found ourselves up in a golden-roofed residence such as was possessed by Menelaus according to Homer. And behold I surveyed everything with the curiosity of that young islander of his. But what I saw, by Jove, was not Helen but men with downcast heads and pale faces.

  “On seeing me their hearts were filled with joy” and they came to meet me; for they kept asking if we had brought any bad news. For they appeared to be praying for the worst, and rejoiced in things of sorrow like singers of dirges in the theatre. They kept putting their heads close together and whispering. After all this they questioned me, saying, “What man art thou and whence? Where stands your town, Where do your parents dwell? For from your appearance you must be an honourable man.”

  I replied, “Few men are honourable, to judge from what I see everywhere. My name is Critias, and I come from the same city as you.”

  24. Then, like men with their heads in the clouds, they asked how things were in the city and in the world, and I said, “All men are happy and will continue to be so.”

  But they raised their brows in dissent and said, “It is not so; the city is pregnant with evil.”

  Agreeing with them, I said, “Because you are raised on high and are like men who look down on everything from aloft, you have been most keen- sighted in perceiving this too. But how of things in the sky? Will there be an eclipse of the sun? Will the moon rise on a vertical course? Will Mars be in quartile aspect with Jupiter, and Saturn be diametrically opposite to the sun? Will Venus be in conjunction with Mercury, so that they produce the Hermaphrodites in whom you find such pleasure? Will they send torrential rain? Will they bestrew the earth with drifts of snow? Will they bring down hail and blight? Will they send upon us pestilence and famine and drought? Is the vessel of the thunderbolt empty? Is the receptacle of the lightning replenished?”

  25. But they like people with everything arranged to their liking went on talking their own beloved nonsense, saying that things were to change, that disorders and turmoils would seize the city and her armies succumb to her foes. I, astounded at this and “swelling like a burning oak” uttered a piercing cry, “Accursed men, speak not with excessive pride, Whetting your teeth against lion-hearted men Whose breath bears spears and lances and white- crested casques.”

  But these things shall descend upon your heads, for you are a drain on your country’s strength. For you did not hear this when prancing through the sky, nor have you mastered the mathematics you’ve studied so hard. If you’ve been led astray by prophecies and false pretences, then you’re guilty of double folly. For these things are inventions of old women and are infantile. For usually it’s women’s imaginations which are attracted by such things.

  TRIEPHO

  26. What reply, my fine Critias, was made to this by those fellows shorn of all sense and intellect?

  CRITIAS

  They passed over all those words of mine, taking refuge in a skilfully prepared plan. For they kept saying, “For ten days now shall we be remaining in fasting, and we have been dreaming such things while keeping vigil with all-night hymns.”

  TRIEPHO

  And what answer did you give to them? For this was a weighty and perplexing thing they said.

  CRITIAS

  Have no fear; I didn’t disgrace myself, but made the best of replies by saying, “The talk of the town says of you that only when you’re dreaming do such things occur to you.”

  They clenched their teeth in a grin and said, “We’re out of bed when they come to us.”

  “If this is true, you creatures of the sky,” I said, “you can never discover the future with any certainty, but, convinced by these dreams, you will talk nonsense about what doesn’t exist and never will. But somehow you talk all this nonsense because you trust in dreams. You loathe all that is most beautiful, and rejoice in evil things, though your loathing does you no good. Abandon therefore these strange fancies and these evil plans and prophecies, lest perchance God hurl you to perdition for cursing your native land and ascribing these falsified words to him.

  27. Then they “did all with one accord” heap reproaches on me. If you wish, I’ll tell you of these too. They made me like a mute gravestone, till your blessed words released me from my petrifaction and made me human again.

  TRIEPHO

  Hush, Critias. Do not prolong to excess your account of their inanities. For you can see that my stomach is swollen and I’m, in a manner of speaking, pregnant. For I’ve been bitten by your words as though by a mad dog, and, if I don’t take some potion to make me forget them and give me rest, my memory of them will stay with me and do me great harm. You must therefore dismiss these words from your thoughts. Start your prayer with “Our Father,” and add at the end the hymn of many epithets.

  28. But what’s this? Isn’t that Cleolaus who “doth take such lengthy strides” and eagerly “doth come and doth return”? Shall we hail him?

  CRITIAS

  By all means.

  THIEPHO

  Cleolaus, “Speed not on with running foot, nor pass me by, But gladly come if news perchance you bring.”

  CLEOLAUS

  Greetings both, ye glorious twain.

  TRIEPHO

  Why such haste? You’re quite out of breath. Is ther
e news of any sort?

  CLEOLAUS

  “The Persians’ long-famed pride is humbled now, Along with Susa’s glorious town, And all Arabia too will be subdued By glorious might of his o’erpowering hand.”

  CRITIAS

  29. It’s as they always said; heaven never neglects good men, but ever promotes their welfare and improves their fortunes. But we, Triepho, have found the most glorious lot of all. For I was distressed by worrying over what to leave my children in my will when I died. For you know my poverty as well as I know what you possess. But it suffices for my children that the Emperor should live; for then wealth will not fail us, nor any race terrify us.

  TRIEPHO

  I too, Critias, leave to my children as their heritage that they should see Babylon destroyed, Egypt enslaved, the children of the Persians enduring “chains and slavery,” the inroads of the Scythians checked and, I pray, utterly defeated. Since we have found the Unknown God of Athens, let us fall down before him with our hands extended to the heavens, and pay him thanks that we have been thought worthy to be made subject to such a power. But the others let us leave to talk their nonsense and concerning them let us be content to say with the proverb, “Hippoclides doesn’t care.”

  IT is generally agreed that this work is not by Lucian. It is not found in the better MSS. of Lucian, and both its Greek and its uninspired contents are quite unworthy of him. The author is presumably a sophist of quite unknown date, who knew his Lucian as he introduces several of Lucian’s motifs and Homeric quotations, though he is also influenced by Plato and Xenophon, and draws heavily from Isocrates’ Helen, particularly in cc. 16-18 which are largely a paraphrase of Helen 18-20, 39-43 and 50-53. The careful, and mostly successful, avoidance of hiatus is also worth noting.

  CHARIDEMUS — Χαρίδημος ἢ Περὶ Κάλλους

  Translated by M. D. Mcleod

  HERMIPPUS

  1. I was taking a stroll in the suburbs yesterday, Charidemus, both for relaxation in the fields and also because I had something on my mind and needed peace and quiet, when lo and behold I met Proxenus, the son of Epicrates. After greeting him in my usual fashion, I asked where he’d come from and where he was going. He said he too had come there for the refreshment he’d always found in looking at the fields, and also to enjoy the mild and gentle breezes that blew over them. He’d come from an excellent party at the Piraeus in the house of Androcles, son of Epichares; Androcles had been sacrificing to Hermes by way of thanks for his victory with the hook he’d read at the Diasia.

  2. He told me that it had been an occasion that evoked much wit and culture and, in particular, praises of beauty had been pronounced by the men. These he could not report to me, he said, because his old age had impaired his memory, and in any case he had not taken much part in the conversation, but he said you would have no difficulty in recounting them, as you had yourself pronounced an encomium and had paid attention to all the other speakers throughout the party.

  CHARIDEMUS

  All this is quite true, Hermippus. But even I shall find it difficult to give an accurate account of everything as it was quite impossible to hear everything because of the great din made by the waiters and the guests. Besides, it’s not particularly easy to remember speeches made at a dinner. For you know how forgetful that makes even those blessed with the very best of memories. However, to oblige you, I shall try as best I can to describe the proceedings without omitting anything that comes to mind.

  HERMIPPUS

  3. For that you have my thanks. But, if you were to recount the whole discussion from the beginning, tell me what book Androcles read, what rival he defeated, and who you were that he invited to the party, then you would put me greatly in your debt.

  CHARIDEMUS

  The hook was an encomium of Heracles, which he said he’d composed as a result of a dream. He defeated Diotimus from Megara, who competed against him for the ears of wheat, or rather for glory.

  HERMIPPUS

  And what book did he read?

  CHARIDEMUS

  An encomium of the Dioscuri. He said that he himself too had been saved by them from great dangers and so had paid his thanks to them in this way, particularly as they had told him to do so, when they appeared at the top of the sails while the danger was at its height.

  4. Then there were many others at the party. Some of them were related to Diotimus, others were acquaintances of his, but noteworthy for having graced the whole party by delivering encomia of beauty were Philo, son of Dinias, Aristippus, son of Agasthenes, and I myself. Another of our companions at table was Cleonymus, the handsome nephew of Androcles, a delicate effeminate lad. He seemed, however, not to be lacking in intellect, as he listened very eagerly to the speeches. First to begin speaking about beauty was Philo, whose introductory remarks were as follows:

  HERMIPPUS

  No, my friend! Please don’t start on the encomia before telling me the reason which led you to discuss this topic.

  CHARIDEMUS

  You’re wasting my time, my good fellow. I could have reported the whole discussion long ago and been on my way. But what is one to do when a friend constrains? For then one must submit to anything.

  5. You ask what caused the discussion; it was handsome Cleonymus himself. For he was sitting between Androcles, his uncle, and me, when much discussion of him arose amongst the less educated people present, who were staring at him utterly amazed at his beauty. Scarcely heeding anything else they sat delivering encomia of the boy. We felt and expressed admiration for the men’s appreciation of beauty, and thought that it would show the greatest idleness on our part to be outdone by the uneducated in discussing the highest forms of beauty; for in this respect alone do we consider ourselves superior to them. Thus it was that we also started discussing beauty. We decided to pronounce our praises of the boy without mentioning his name, as that would be wrong and merely give him further airs. We agreed to avoid their disorderly, haphazard manner of discussion and that each of us in turn should make his personal contribution on the topic under discussion.

  6. Thus it was that Philo began first and spoke as follows: “How scandalous it is that in all our everyday activities we are full of zeal, as though for something beautiful, while beauty itself we hold of no account, but remain seated thus in silence, as though afraid that a word might escape us unawares concerning the thing we pursue zealously all our days! But what would be the right occasion for a man to speak, if he showed zeal for what’s worthless and had nothing to say about the most beautiful of all things? And what more beautiful way of preserving the beauty of speech than for us to leave aside all else and talk about the actual end of all our actions? But, so as not to seem to you to claim knowledge of the correct attitude towards this without being able to say anything about it, I shall try as briefly as I can to discourse on this subject.

  Beauty is what all men have ever yearned to have, though very few have been considered worthy of it. But those who have had this gift have ever been thought the most fortunate of all and have been fittingly honoured by both gods and men. This can be proved. Among heroes who became gods are Heracles, the son of Zeus, the Dioscuri and Helen. One of these is said to have gained this honour for his bravery, Helen to have changed into a goddess herself on account of her beauty and to have won godhead for the Dioscuri, who had been numbered with those in the underworld before she ascended to heaven.

  7. Moreover one cannot find any humans who’ve been thought worthy to associate with the gods except for those who’ve had beauty. For that was why Pelops is said to have shared immortality with the gods, and Ganymede, son of Dardanus, is said to have mastered the highest of all gods so completely that he could not bear to let any of the other gods share his expedition in pursuit of his darling boy, but thought it an expedition befitting himself alone that he should fly down to Gargaron on Ida and take up his darling boy to the place where he would enjoy his company for all time. He has always paid such attention to beauties that not only ha
s he given them a title to life in heaven by taking them up there but he himself, each time he joined his loved ones on earth, would become anything at all, now becoming a swan to court Leda, now in the shape of a bull carrying off Europa, or adopting the likeness of Amphitryon to produce Heracles. One can enumerate many devices adopted by Zeus in his schemes for enjoying the company of those who excited his desire.

  8. But what is the most important thing and a surprising one is that in his conversations with the gods — he had none with any human beings unless they were beautiful — in his harangues amongst the gods, I say, he has been depicted as being so dashing, bold and terrifying by the poet of all Greeks alike, that in his earlier speech he so frightened Hera that, though she had been used before that to censure everything he did, she was then content to escape unharmed and allow the anger to Zeus to be confined to words. Again, in his later speech, he struck no less fear into all the gods by his threats to pull up land and sea and all men with them. Yet, when he’s about to keep company with beauties, he becomes so kind and gentle and so completely reasonable that, in addition to all else, he even leaves off being Zeus, and, so as not to appear unpleasing to his darlings, he adopts some other appearance, and, what’s more, one that’s very beautiful and likely to attract the beholder. Such is the respect and honour shown by him to beauty.

  9. And, so that these words may not be thought to be spoken in criticism of Zeus rather than in defence of beauty, let me tell you that Zeus isn’t the only god so to have become the captive of beauty. No, anyone willing to consider the matter carefully would find that all the gods have been affected in the same way as Zeus. For example, Posidon fell victim to Pelops, Apollo to Hyacinthus, and Hermes to Cadmus.