“So, what you’re saying is, because the woman who birthed you was a piece of shit who allowed other pieces of shit to treat you like a dumpster when you weren’t old enough to fend for yourself, you’re not worthy of having a family?” Josh asks. “You’re not good enough to raise a child in a loving and respectful house? You grew up in a family that’s exactly that: loving and respectful. Hell, you practically raised your younger siblings and cousins. You’re their favorite person in the world.”
“That’s different,” I whisper.
“No,” Dad says at last. “It’s not different. It shows who you are. I need to say this, for the record. If she were still alive, I’d fucking kill her. Slowly. Painfully.”
I tighten my jaw and nod once.
“I’d hold her for you,” Josh mutters. “After I killed the assholes with her.”
“I’m no shrink, but Seth, you’re not going to be a shitty dad because those awful things happened to you when you were a kid.”
“Hell, no,” Josh says. “If anything, it’ll make you more protective. More grateful that you have something so great.”
I stop and frown, considering. “I guess I never thought of it like that.”
“You and Remi have an incredible built-in support system here on the ranch,” Dad reminds me. “With your grandma here, your mom and Cara, and hell, all of the kids, that baby won’t go without love and attention. In fact, you’ll be kicking us all out of your house. You’ll be sick of everyone.”
“He doesn’t kick me out of his house,” Uncle Josh says. “I’m his favorite.”
“I don’t know, it scares me.”
“It should terrify you,” Dad says with a nod. “Being a dad is the hardest thing you’ll ever do.”
“Says the man with a dozen kids,” I reply.
“Four. Four kids. And I don’t regret a minute of it. Well,” he amends, shaking his head, “I regret how I handled things when you were young—now more than ever.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” I remind him.
“Yeah, it was. And I’m sorry, son. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“I’m fine now.”
“So fine that you think you can’t have babies,” he counters. “Hell, Seth, we all have baggage. I couldn’t listen to loud noises for years after I got home. Still don’t like them. I was married to a woman who systematically tried to ruin my life, hurt my kid. And when I got here, you were so angry, you refused to be in the same room with me, and I was scared of my own shadow. But with time and love, we figured it out.”
“I’ll never forget that Fourth of July,” I say softly as the memory forms perfectly in my mind. “That first Fourth of July at the beach celebration, when you thought the fireworks were gunfire and covered me, trying to save me. I realized how much you loved me and that everything I’d been told before was just a lie.”
“Just like what you’ve told yourself for all these years is a lie,” he agrees. “Being damaged doesn’t mean you can’t heal. That you can’t have wonderful things. Like children. Just don’t do what I did when I found out that Jillian was pregnant with the twins.”
“Oh, definitely don’t do that,” Josh agrees.
“What did you do?”
Dad sighs and rubs his forehead. “I might have accused her of getting pregnant on purpose and lying to me about being infertile.”
I stare at the man I love more than almost anyone. “I want to punch you so hard right now.”
“Trust me, she punished me. We’ve both had a hard time, you and I.”
“Wait. When she left us, and you said that sometimes things just don’t work out, that was why?”
“Yeah.”
“And then Kensie showed up here, and Jillian stood up for me, punched Kensie out, and Jillian still left that day. Because you’re stupid?”
“Oh, yeah, I was stupid. Was is the operative word there.”
“Sometimes, you’re still stupid,” Josh says philosophically.
“For fuck’s sake, I wouldn’t accuse Remi of trapping me or something.”
“Yeah, don’t do that. They really hate that,” Dad says and rubs a hand over his chest as if that’s where Mom shoved him.
“What did Remi say this morning?” Josh asks. “Does she think she’s pregnant?”
“She actually didn’t sound excited at the thought, either, and then she gave me some fake smiles and said that everything would be okay. Of course, I was an idiot and didn’t do much to reassure her. But damn it, I was freaked out.”
“It’s perfectly okay if you’re not ready for kids today,” Josh says. “You and Remi haven’t been together that long, and it came as a surprise. But I hope you reconsider thinking that you can’t ever have kids, or that you’d be a bad father. Because that couldn’t be further from the truth, Seth.”
“I agree,” Dad says. “You’ve come a long, long way since you were that scared, angry boy. You’re strong, you’re good, and the only thing you got from Kensie is that weird cowlick in the front of your hair. There’s nothing of her in you.”
I take a deep breath. I feel a lot better after talking with them. Maybe I could be a dad.
Just hopefully not yet. Not today. I want time to get used to the idea. To spend with Remi. Hell, I just found her. I want time with her.
“Let’s go ride the fence,” I suggest. “It’ll help clear my head, and I won’t be such a jerk when I go home later. I’m glad I talked to you both. I have some thinking to do, but I’m not quite as messed up as I was when I got here.”
“You’ll be a good dad,” Dad says and tugs my hat off so he can ruffle my hair. “The fact that you’re worried about being a good parent says a lot.”
“And if you screw up, we’ll be here to razz you about it,” Josh adds. “Maybe you should buy Remi flowers or something. Just to cover your ass.”
Chapter 19
~Remi~
“Oh, this is bad.” I bury my face in my hands and rub my eyes as I hear Seth’s truck drive away. I feel like shit. I’ve been much better since the day I got so sick, but I’m still not one hundred percent. And from the look on Seth’s face just now, I’d say he’s not okay with the thought of a pregnancy. I’ve never seen him look so scared, even that day up in a snowstorm in the park.
He ran out of here like the house was on fire.
And why wouldn’t he? We both have parent issues, and so much to talk about before we even start to think about having kids. But he’d be a great parent. I know he would.
“Jesus, Rem, you don’t even know for sure you’re pregnant.”
I brush my hair, loop it into a simple bun, and dress in blue jeans and a sweatshirt. Without even thinking about coffee or breakfast, I take off toward town.
I need two things: a pharmacy and Annie.
I’m in and out of the pharmacy in just five minutes. Easy-peasy. On my way to Annie’s, I call and let her know I’m on my way.
She sounds tired, and I hate interrupting her morning, but this is an emergency.
“Hey,” she says when she opens the door. “What’s up? Why are you in town this early in the morning?”
“I know it’s your one day off, and I’m sorry, but I need a friend today.”
“No need to be sorry.” She ushers me in. “The kids just left for school, and the hubs is at the office, so it’s just you and me.”
“Good. That’s good.” I hold the plastic bag I brought with me in the air. “I need your bathroom.”
Annie’s eyes go round, and she stares at the bag, and then at me. “Remi.”
“I know. No, I don’t know, actually. Which is why I have four of these tests.”
“I hope you have to pee,” she says as she leads me down a hall to a bathroom. “Here you go.”
“Thanks. This shouldn’t take long.”
Okay, it takes longer than I thought because I have to read the instructions and figure out how to aim to pee on the stick, but ten minutes later, I open the door.
“Well?”
“I don’t want to look,” I admit with a sigh. “Seth’s not okay with a baby, Annie.”
“He said that?”
“No, but I saw it in his face this morning. Raging terror and uncertainty. He doesn’t want kids.”
“Well, if you’re pregnant, it just is what it is, and you’ll figure it out,” Annie says. “You love each other.”
“We’ve known each other for six minutes,” I whisper and close my eyes, praying fervently that I’m not pregnant. Not now.
“Hey. I knew my husband for five weeks when we got engaged. Sometimes, you just know. Besides, this whole conversation could be for nothing. It might be negative, and you’ve just got a stomach thing or hormonal shit going on.”
“Right.” I nod and pray with all my might that that’s the case. “Could it be hormonal shit? Either way, I think Seth and I need to have a serious conversation later.”
“I think, if you’re not pregnant, you need to decide if having a family is important to you. Because if it is, and you know that Seth doesn’t want children, that could be a deal-breaker for you two, Remi. You can’t expect someone to change their mind just because you love them and you wish it to be true.”
“No, I know that. You’re right. Okay, here goes nothing.”
I have the van packed and am ready to go. Seth should be home anytime, and I don’t know how this conversation will go. On the one hand, it could be fantastic. On the other, not so much. And I wanted to be prepared to leave just in case. I still have a space reserved at the RV park outside of town, where I spent the first few weeks I lived here.
I’ve scrubbed the bathroom and kitchen, mopped all the hardwood in the house, and did a ton of laundry. I even changed the sheets on the bed, and I just did that yesterday.
I had to direct my nervous energy somewhere.
Seth’s truck comes rumbling up the road, the tires crunching the gravel, and he parks in his usual spot. I walk out onto the porch, and he stops in his tracks, his dark eyes serious as he watches me, searching my face.
“Did you have a lot of fence to mend?” I ask as I sit on the swing and pull my feet up. Seth leans on the railing opposite me, still serious, still searching.
“Not too much. It was a good day to be on a horse. How was your day?”
I nod, looking out at the trees that separate Seth’s house from his parents’. “Fine.”
We’re silent for a moment, and then I look back at him and shake my head.
“No, it wasn’t fine. I’m not fine at all.”
“Talk to me, babe.”
Babe. It’s the first sign of hope that I’ve seen from him since this morning.
“I know that the idea of kids isn’t high on your list of good things,” I begin. “And I’ve never really thought that I’d have a family, either. It definitely wasn’t in my plans or even on my radar.”
“You’re pregnant,” he says.
“I didn’t say that.” He’s not showing any emotion on his face at all. He’s not giving anything away, and I hate that I feel so distant from him. I hate it. “But I think, at some point, whether I’m pregnant right now or not, I want kids, Seth.”
“Did you take a test?”
“Four of them,” I confirm. “I spent all morning at Annie’s house, drinking water and peeing on sticks.”
“And?”
“I’m not pregnant.”
“Oh, thank God.” He hangs his head in relief, and I just sit here, staring at him.
“I’ll be out of your hair in a few minutes.” I stand and walk toward the door, but he catches my arm and stops me.
“Wait, what? Where are you going?”
“I’m leaving, Seth. I just told you that I want kids someday, and you were so relieved that I’m not pregnant now, that I thought you were going to throw confetti and strike up the freaking band!”
“Were you hoping to be pregnant, Rem?”
“No. No, I wasn’t. I’m not ready. And I know you’re not ready. But I also could have used a little more tenderness from you today. Instead, you ran away, and you’re distant, and when I told you that I do want kids someday, you said nothing. Your silence speaks volumes.”
He’s still silent, his gorgeous eyes turbulent as he watches me. And still, there’s no emotion.
“Say something!” I push him in the chest and knock him back a step. “Say something, you big jerk! Because I’m about to give up on everything we’ve started. My van is packed. I can be gone in ten minutes.”
“I don’t want you to leave,” he finally says. “I know I’ve been an ass today, and I do not want you to go. But I’m still working out how I feel about the kids thing. I’ve spent all day talking it over with my dad and Uncle Josh.”
“You told them?”
“Fuck, yes, I did. You have Annie, and I have them, Rem. I trust them more than anyone.”
“Okay.” I nod and take a deep breath, calming myself down. “Okay, I’m sorry about that. You’re right.”
“They talked some sense into me, and I know that if you had been pregnant right now, we would have made it work. Don’t yell at me,” he says when I open my mouth. “I know that sounds douchey, but you’re not pregnant, Rem, and I’m just thinking out loud. I’m being honest.”
“Okay,” I say again.
“I thought that I would be a shitty parent because of my past. Because of what happened to me when I was a kid. And Dad and Josh put it into perspective for me. I don’t necessarily think that anymore. I just don’t want a pregnancy to be a surprise. I know that can’t always be the case, but if and when you and I decide to start a family, I want to plan a little. Hell, you’re the planner in this relationship, that should make you happy.”
For the first time, hope fills my chest.
“I’m okay with planning,” I say softly. “Later.”
“Definitely later.”
“Not too much later. I don’t want to be seventy when they graduate from high school, you know.”
His lips twitch. “I haven’t even proposed yet.”
I have to swallow hard.
“We haven’t spent the holidays together or planned anything. We’re just starting this thing between us, and I don’t want to rush, Rem. I want to take my time with you, savor every second of this time because I’m only doing this once. With you. There’s no need to rush it.”
“No.” I step forward, so relieved and so much in love that I can hardly stand it. I wrap my arms around his shoulders and lean in. “There’s no need to rush. Just, someday.”
“Someday. But I can tell you what’s going to happen today.”
He picks me up in that effortless way he does and carries me inside. I laugh. “You stink from being on a horse all day. You need a shower.”
He grins and carries me through to the bathroom. “You can take one with me.”
“Wake up.” Seth kisses my cheek and then my shoulder.
“What time is it?”
“It’s about three,” he whispers. “And I have something to show you.”
“I’ve seen it. And while it’s impressive, I’m tired, Seth. Let a girl sleep.”
He chuckles and pulls the covers back, then wraps me in my favorite throw blanket since I’m as naked as the day I was born, before lifting me from the bed.
“I can walk.” But I lay my head on his shoulder and sigh deeply as he strolls through the house.
“I like carrying you.” He kisses my cheek and opens the front door.
“Holy shit,” I whisper. There are candles lit on the railings of the porch, extra blankets on the swing, and a steaming hot pizza on a little table. “Where’d you get that pizza?”
“I can’t divulge my secrets,” he says as he sets me down and then cuddles up next to me. “The best part is over in the distance.”
He passes me a slice of the pie and points to the horizon where green, blue, and purple lights fill the sky.
“Aurora borealis,” I whisper in awe as I munch on the pizza
and Seth blows out the candles around us so we can see the lights better. “And it snowed?”
“First true snow of the season,” he confirms. “I knew you wouldn’t want to miss this.”
“Did you arrange for it all? Not just the pizza but the lights? The snow?”
“I’m not on those kinds of terms with Mother Nature, but it worked out pretty well, don’t you think?”
“It’s gorgeous,” I confirm. We sit in comfortable silence, eating and watching the show. After one piece, I’m done with the food and curl up into Seth’s side. “We get to live here.”
He smiles down at me. “Yeah. It’s pretty great, isn’t it?”
“What did I ever do in my life to deserve this?”
He kisses my head and then tips my chin up so he can take my lips. “I love you so much, sweetheart.”
“I love you, too.” I move under the blankets and straddle Seth, right on the swing. My hands brace against the white wood behind him, and his hands roam up and down my bare back. The cool air feels amazing on my warm skin.
“I had no idea you were an exhibitionist,” he murmurs before I kiss his lips. His thumb flicks one of my nipples, making my core tighten.
“There’s no one out here to see us. I think it’s kind of sexy to make love out here, in the cold, under the northern lights.”
He pulls a condom out of his pocket, and that arrogant smile on his lips flashes. “I like the way you think, babe.”
When I lower over him, we both sigh. When he cups my ass and urges me, moves me up and down in long, slow strokes, I moan.
“Jesus, you make me crazy,” he growls.
“Same.” I pick up the pace. “God, Seth.”
“Mine.” My eyes find his bright ones. “You’re mine.”
I grin, tipping my forehead to his. “You’re mine.”
And when we fall over the edge into ecstasy, surrounded by cool air and bright, dancing lights, he pulls me to him and holds me close until we catch our breath.
“Mine,” he whispers once more.
Chapter 20
Shelter: A Heroes Of Big Sky Novel Page 16