“You’re lucky that he didn’t make a move sooner,” Will pointed out. “All those years you were gone and she was just hanging around. It’s so obvious.”
“What’s so obvious?”
Derek shook his head, propping his feet up on the table. “He wants her because you’re back and he’s always had a rivalry with you. This isn’t about her. This is about beating you.”
“Shit.” I ran my hand through my hair and sighed. “Then what the hell am I supposed to do? I’m an hour away. I can’t be here every night.”
“And he’s going to see that,” Joe pointed out very unhelpfully. “He’ll move in, remind her of why things could be so great with him. He’ll probably remind her every chance he gets that you left her alone and pregnant.”
Derek practically fell out of his chair as he sat up. “You did what?”
“Thanks, man.”
Joe shrugged. “We all knew. Figured it wouldn’t matter if Derek knew also.”
“Let’s go back to you knocking up Anna,” Derek said. “Where the hell is the baby?”
“I hid her in town,” I said sarcastically. He glared at me. “She gave the baby up for adoption.”
“And you left her?”
“She moved to her aunt’s house. Fuck, do I really have to do this again? I feel like a broken record.”
“Why the hell didn’t you tell any of us?”
“Because Ma and Dad didn’t want me to, and I agreed to it. They wanted to make sure that Anna didn’t become the talk of the town. Her mom agreed to send her to live with her aunt, and one day she was gone. Honestly, it just sort of happened.”
“And you didn’t try and stop her?” Derek asked, still baffled by what I said.
I sighed heavily. “Look, I was in high school. I made a mistake. Are you going to tell me you never made a mistake?”
“Not like that!”
“I don’t know,” Hunter said. “You did call Claire fat.”
“I did not! I said she had a juicy ass! That’s a good thing.”
“Yeah, I don’t see any woman seeing your side in this,” Eric laughed. “I can’t believe you said that.”
“He also said she had thick thighs,” Hunter laughed. “I believe he said she was sturdy like a tree.”
We all burst into laughter while Derek sputtered to correct what Hunter was saying.
“I was trying to compliment her. I was saying that she had a big ass to hold onto!”
“Does that work on all women?” Andrew asked. “Should I be taking notes?”
“Oh, it gets better,” Hunter laughed. Derek stood and shot Hunter a threatening glare, but he just brushed it off. “He said that he didn’t want a model. They were all beauty and no brains,” he barely got out around his laughter. “And then…and then Claire said that she was glad that if she didn’t have beauty, at least she had brains!”
I covered my face with my hand. That was embarrassing even for me, and I wasn’t even there.
“Oh God, how the hell did you land her?” Will asked. “She’s gorgeous and you said that shit to her?”
“It wasn’t like that!” Derek insisted. “Shit just came out wrong. I explained it to her and she forgave me.”
“Yeah, and then he took her out sailing, where she threw up on him, and he said it was disgusting…to her face!” Hunter said, slapping Derek on the back.
“Okay, fine. I made a mistake. I’m not perfect, and I never said I was. But at least I didn’t stalk my woman for two weeks with Knight.”
“Who’s Knight?” Will asked. “And why did you stalk your girlfriend?”
“She’d just been kidnapped. I was making sure she was okay.”
“Why didn’t you just stay with her?” I asked curiously.
“She said she was okay.”
“Yeah,” Derek snorted. “This was after he proposed that he break into her apartment to make it look like she’d been burglarized, all so that she would call him to come to the rescue?”
“Hey, I didn’t go through with it,” Hunter grunted.
“Yeah, because Sinner pointed out how you would essentially ruin her life if you went through with it.”
“So, is this something you all do? Stalk your women and come up with insane plans to keep them?” I asked.
“Hey, our tactics may be…different, but they work,” Derek insisted. “Look at me.”
“Yes, look at you,” Eric smirked. “Dressing up as Superman to please your woman.”
“Hey, that was supposed to stay between us,” Derek snapped as the rest of us burst out in laughter.
“You dress up as Superman?”
“Hell yeah,” Hunter laughed. “We all walked in on it.”
“Do you wear glasses?” I asked.
“What about the red underwear? Please tell me you have pictures of this,” Joe pleaded with Hunter.
“No pictures,” he sighed, “but let me tell you, seeing him in spandex is something I will never get out of my mind.”
“Alright, that’s enough,” Derek said, narrowing his eyes at Hunter, who held up his hands in acquiescence. “Look, it’s simple. Claire likes adventure and I like to give it to her. What we do sexually is none of your business.”
“Hey, I totally get it,” Andrew said. “There Is A Superhero In All Of Us, We Just Need The Courage To Put On The Cape.”
I chuckled as Derek tossed an empty beer bottle at him. “Whatever. Laugh at me all you want. But at least I can say that I didn’t knock up my girlfriend or my one night stand. Is this going to be a thing with our family? See how many of us can knock up our girlfriends before we marry them?”
I glanced over at Eric, who looked a little pained by that statement. It hadn’t been that long since Angel died. I shook my head slightly at Derek, and he sighed, like he had just remembered.
“Sorry, man. I wasn’t thinking.”
“It’s fine. And it’s the truth.” He pointed to Andrew, Joe, and Will. “None of you better impregnate a woman or Ma will have a heart attack. I don’t know how she made it through me getting Kat pregnant.”
We all sat there for a moment before Joe burst out laughing. “Did you seriously just say impregnate?”
“Shut up, asshole,” Eric said, punching him in the shoulder. “I’m just saying, we don’t need to be known for one more thing around town.”
“The men that knock up women?” Will asked. “I can see the bets now on the town Facebook page. Who will be the next Cortell brother to get another woman pregnant, and who will that woman be?”
“Okay, now that you’ve all had a good laugh at my expense-“
“And mine,” Derek chimed in.
“Can we get back to the issue at hand? How the hell am I supposed to get Anna back, and then how do I keep Corduroy from slipping into my spot?”
“Easy,” Eric said first. “You apologize with donuts and coffee. That’s what I always do.”
I glared at him. “Really? Donuts and coffee? You’re her boss. That may be fine for you, but that’s not going to work for me. Hey, sweetie, I know I insulted you. Here are some sugary snacks to make you feel better.”
“He’s right. Donuts aren’t going to work on this one,” Will said. “I’ve seen this before with some of my friends.”
“What friends?” I asked curiously.
“I have friends,” he said defensively. “Anyway, you need something special. But don’t make it too special. You have to work your way up on this one.”
“He’s right,” Derek agreed. “You have to start with something simple. You don’t want to give her the nice gifts until you really fuck up.”
“Well, I already got her a house. How the hell do I top that?”
“You bought her a house?” Derek said incredulously.
“Well, I made the down payment. And I may have set it up with the bank that if she missed a payment, it came out of my account.”
“Nice,” Eric nodded. “Way to make the rest of us look like chumps.”
“Hey, I was trying to be nice. How the hell was I supposed to know this was too nice a gift?”
“Because most men don’t buy houses for their girlfriends,” Hunter snapped.
I glared at him, irritated by his logic. “Okay, so what’s something nice, but not too nice? I doubt I can apologize with something bigger than a house.”
“Candles. Chicks love candles,” Joe answered.
I glanced around the table, hoping to get input from the others on this one. All of them looked as skeptical as I was.
“Candles? Really?”
“Oh yeah. They’re scented, so they smell pretty and they burn for at least a few days, so the feeling lasts for a while. That gives you time to work your way back onto her good side. And an added bonus for you, you can get one for like seven bucks, so it’s cheap for you,” he said with a wink.
I stared at him like the dumbass he was. “Just the message I want to send to my woman. A cheap candle that’ll last a few days.”
“Hey, you asked for our help,” he pointed out.
“A candle won’t do it. Especially not after he bought her a house,” he said, shaking his head. “When I fucked up with Katherine, I spent sixty bucks on roses. And I delivered them in person to her job. The apology has to be sincere.”
“I don’t know that Anna’s a roses kind of woman,” I said, scratching my jaw. “She really likes the stars.”
“Ooh!” Andrew sat up excitedly. “You can do one of those star dedications. You know, buy her a star and all that shit.”
“Yeah, because that hasn’t been done before,” Hunter muttered.
“You tried it?” Derek asked.
Hunter nodded slightly. “I was running out of ideas to make up for shit with Lucy. I gave it a try, and let me tell you, all it did was ensure that I didn’t have sex for a week.”
“You guys are missing the bigger picture,” Derek said. “The apology to Anna isn’t the only problem. He also has to make sure that Corduroy stays out of the picture. Permanently.”
I frowned. “Wait, what do you mean, permanently?”
“There are ways to make sure he disappears,” Hunter said cryptically. “For good.”
My jaw dropped. “Are you suggesting we murder a deputy sheriff?”
“Murder?” Derek laughed. “No, I would never suggest that.” But then he did this weird eye thing that made me think he was trying to get some other point across.
Hunter laughed maniacally, shaking his head. “We’re just fucking with you. We would never suggest that you kill someone.”
“Thank God for that.”
“We’d do it for you,” he added with a shrug.
“What?”
“Plausible deniability,” Derek said. “We work hours from here. It’s very unlikely anyone would come asking questions. We’re always out on jobs. There are easy ways to manipulate tracking data if you have a good IT person-”
“Which we do,” Hunter added.
“We would have a solid alibi and you would be off the hook. Besides, you’re a lawyer. You know all the legal bullshit.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed. “I’m a divorce lawyer,” I said slowly.
“Same principles apply,” Derek waved me off. “Don’t get caught. Don’t leave a trail of evidence, and most importantly, don’t talk without yourself present.”
“What?”
He rolled his eyes. “I was making a joke. You’re a lawyer. Don’t talk without your lawyer present.”
“Look, I really don’t think killing Carter is the way to go,” Eric said, trying to calm everyone down. “Perhaps save that for something more sinister, like him stealing her donuts.”
Everyone laughed, but I slammed my hand down on the table in frustration. “How the hell is any of this helpful? I can’t kill off a town deputy, I’m not giving her candles or buying her a star. I need something actually helpful here!”
“How is killing off the competition not helpful?” Hunter asked, a pure look of confusion on his face.
Derek shook his head slightly. “Remember, they’re not from our world.”
“In your world, it’s okay to kill people off for talking to your girlfriend?” Joe asked.
“Well, we wouldn’t go around talking about it,” Hunter muttered. “Though I did consider it after what you did with Lucy,” he snapped.
Joe rolled his eyes. “Would you relax. Lucy and I didn’t sleep together.”
“You didn’t?” Hunter asked, shock on his face.
“No, we were gone for like twenty minutes. I need longer than that for sex.”
“Thank fuck,” Hunter sighed, rubbing his hand over his face. “I was really considering how to kill you without Derek finding out.”
“That’s not to say that I didn’t have any fun with her,” he grinned. “There was some definite hair pulling and-“
He didn’t have time to finish his sentence because Hunter was across the room and slamming his fist into Joe’s face before any of us could react. Well, Derek just sat there, drinking his beer, obviously unconcerned about the situation. It took Eric, Will, Andrew, and I to pull Hunter off Joe. When Joe stood and wiped the blood from his face, he glared at Derek.
“Thanks for the help, man.”
Derek shrugged. “I told you when you came to visit, you don’t punch someone to say hello. Same principle applies here. You don’t brag about getting head from another guy’s girl.”
“He’s lucky I didn’t pull my gun.”
“Shit, you weren’t even together at the time,” Joe muttered.
“I can still pull out my gun if you want to see how good my aim is. I’ll even give you a running head start.”
“Alright, alright,” I stood, waving everyone down. “Let’s stop talking about killing people. Attorney-client privilege only applies to one person in the situation. I can’t defend both of you.”
“Why would you defend him?” Joe asked.
I looked at him like he was stupid. “Because he’s got the gun, you moron.”
“Thanks for the brotherly love,” he muttered.
“If we’re finished with the threats, maybe we should get back to the topic at hand,” Derek suggested. “I have an idea and if we pull this off, everything should work out perfectly for you.”
Robert
I glanced at my watch and sighed. I was supposed to be helping Anna move right now, but she wasn’t answering my calls. If I didn’t make this up to her this weekend, there wouldn’t be another chance until next weekend. And by then it might be too late. I needed something now.
“Alright,” Derek said, laying out the large paper on the kitchen table. “If we’re going to do this right, we need a solid plan. So, phase one…”
He wrote out phase one on the paper and drew a line under it. I shook my head, thinking this was slightly dramatic for apologizing to my girlfriend.
“You said Anna arrives at the office every day at precisely seven forty-five,” he said to Eric.
“That’s right. She’s always the first one in the office.”
“We need to know her daily habits, anything that we can use in our favor. Favorite drinks, lunch preferences, even what time she uses the bathroom,” Hunter said.
“Are you serious? The bathroom?” I shook my head. This was going too far. “Look, I’ll just bring her some flowers and apologize.”
“And that might work. This time,” Derek said. “But what about once you leave and Corduroy is still around, whispering in her ear? You need something better, something to ensure that he doesn’t enter the picture again.”
“She stops at the bakery every morning for coffee and babka,” Eric said. “Unless I’ve done something to piss her off.”
“Have you pissed her off lately?” Hunter asked.
“No, that honor was left to my brother,” he said, slapping me on the back.
“Okay, so she stops in the bakery every morning,” Derek wrote on the paper. “What time?”
�
��It’s just a short drive to the office,” Eric said thoughtfully. “Allowing ten minutes to grab her coffee-“
“Ten minutes?” Hunter asked. “Are you sure about that?”
“You’d understand if you ever stood in line at the bakery,” I supplied. “The townsfolk are very chatty.”
“So, ten minutes, we’ll say she arrives at the bakery at seven-thirty to be safe. That allows her plenty of time to grab her food and chat up the locals.”
“The sheriff usually grabs his morning coffee around that time also,” Eric added. “I’ve seen Corduroy with him a few times.”
“Question,” Joe said, raising his hand. “Do the rest of us really have to be here for this?”
“Yes,” Derek snapped. “To pull this off, it’ll take all of us.”
Joe and Andrew groaned and Will pulled out a chair to sit down.
“Alright, she takes her lunch break at noon for one hour, but she’s always back in twenty minutes,” Eric said. “She grabs her lunch at the deli down the street, and she always eats at her desk while she goes through emails.”
“How do you know so much if you’re always out on jobs?” I asked, thinking maybe he knew a little too much about her day.
“Because I’m the boss.”
“Okay, other than you, is there anyone else that drops by the office during the day?” Derek asked.
“Uh…RJ stops by on occasion, but other than that, no.”
“And what time does she leave work?”
“Five-thirty, six?” Eric shrugged. “It depends on what’s going on with jobs.”
“And then she goes home for the night?”
I sighed, rubbing my hand across my face. “What does all this have to do with an apology? I’m not understanding why it’s necessary for all of you to know her movements so that I can say sorry.”
“How else are you supposed to know when and where to talk to her?” Hunter asked. “The only way to really know what’s going on with your woman is to follow her and place cameras in the right spots so you can spy on her.”
My brows furrowed in confusion. “Spy on her? What the hell kind of relationship do you have with Lucy?”
Collateral Damage: A Small Town Romance Page 24