“Don’t tell me how I feel, Anna. I’ve never been more clear about what I want.”
“Well, that makes one of us,” I muttered.
“Tell me you don’t want me. Tell me that what happened today didn’t make you realize how much we’re meant to be together.”
“Whether we’re meant to be together or not doesn’t matter right now. It’s too fast.”
“Then move in with me.”
My eyes bugged out. I knew it was coming, but I just hadn’t believed he would actually ask.
“Move in with you?”
“Yes,” he said, surging forward to grab my hands. “Anna, if you’re not ready to get married, then fine, we won’t get married. But we can live together-“
“Robert!” I yanked my hands away and shook my head. “You’re insane. One month! We’ve been together one month. You can’t ask me to move in with you.”
“I just did.”
“Because you’re insane!”
His jaw clenched tight and he huffed out a harsh breath. “Anna, we can’t make this work if we’re living an hour from each other. So, move in with me.”
“I just got this house. You just bought it for me. Now I’m supposed to just walk away from it?”
“We’ll use it as a vacation house. We can spend weekends down here.”
“Do you hear how insane that sounds? No one vacations to Indiana!”
“You know what I mean. We can come down here on the weekends. That way, you’ll still have space from being in the city.”
“And what am I supposed to do in the city? I can’t work out of your apartment. It doesn’t work, and Eric would never go for it.”
“So, quit. You can go back to school.”
“I don’t want to quit, and I don’t want to go back to school. Robert, that time of my life is over. I’m happy where I am now. I love my job. Going back to school now doesn’t sound at all appealing.”
“But, you had dreams-“
“The dreams of a seventeen year old girl. Life has changed me. I don’t want the same things I wanted then. I have a good job that I love. I have a house in the country-“
“That you wouldn’t have without me,” he interjected.
I narrowed my eyes at him. “What’s that supposed to mean? You’ll take it back if I don’t move to the city with you?”
He ran his hand across his jaw and sighed. “No, of course not. I just…it’s like you’re trying to find a reason that this won’t work.”
I shook my head sadly and pressed my hand to his face. “I’m not trying to find a reason this won’t work. I’m just looking at the people we are and facing the facts that we’re just too different. I love you, but I don’t want to move to the city and start a new life. I like where I am. And if I moved there or you moved here, one of us would end up resenting the other.”
“You don’t know that,” he choked out.
“Yes, I do. You worked hard for that apartment and you’re so proud of it. I would never ask you to give that up. But it’s not just about that. Those people you work for, I don’t fit into that lifestyle. I don’t like them. I don’t want to be around people like that. So, I’m proud of you that you made senior partner and I hope you get everything you want, but I don’t want to go along on that ride with you.”
He stepped back from me, his eyes welling with tears. It tore at my heart and made me feel so terrible, but Eric was right. It was better if this ended before we were both in too deep. Robert had his life full of money and fancy things, and I had a simple life that I loved. It was hard, but I liked it that way. I liked the simplicity of it all. We were fundamentally too different, and no matter how much I loved this man, I knew we wouldn’t be able to make things work if we were both trying to bend to what the other wanted.
“Robert, I’m sorry. I love you so much, but this won’t work.”
He nodded, dropping his eyes so he didn’t have to look at me. He laughed humorlessly, swiping at his eyes. “I thought I had you back this time. I thought I could repair what I broke.”
“This isn’t about repairing anything. Maybe this never would have worked. Maybe we were always on different paths. That doesn’t mean that what we had wasn’t amazing. It just wasn’t meant to last.”
He sniffled slightly and took a step back. I could tell he was trying his hardest not to show how upset he was. And when he was gone, I knew it would hit me just as hard. I just had to hold it together, otherwise he would try and convince me we should keep trying. I pulled off the fake wedding ring and held it out for him.
“It was a nice dream, Robert, but we both know it would have never worked.”
He tentatively reached out and took the ring, all the while his hand was shaking. “Just…” He cleared his throat and finally looked up at me. “Let me know if you ever need anything. I’ll always be here for you.”
Before I could respond, he turned and walked out my door. His shoulders sagged as he walked away from, and when I shut the door, the tears finally fell. I slid down the door and dropped my head into my hands, crying over the loss of my best friend, the man I had always loved, and the partner I would no longer have.
Robert
I sat in my office, just days after Christmas, staring at my desk. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I had gone to my brother’s for Christmas, but I hadn’t really been there. All I kept thinking about was Anna, just down the road and all alone. The mood was decidedly depressing. Everyone could feel it, and when I said I was heading home, no one seemed all that upset about it. No one asked me what was wrong. It was like they already knew. And if me handing Kat the wedding rings wasn’t a big enough clue, the fact that I practically started crying when they started looking at all the photos of the wedding on the town Facebook page surely tipped them off.
I was supposed to be spending my vacation with Anna. But since that wasn’t going to happen, I couldn’t just sit around my place. It felt cold and empty. For the first time in years, I didn’t want to be there. I would give anything to be in that old house with her, just fixing up the place and laughing with her. She was right, I had worked hard for my apartment and my car, but that was all I had to show for my success. Sure, I was a successful attorney, but what did that mean if there wasn’t someone to share it with? And the truth was, I had known that all along. Every woman I brought home only cared about my money. They saw my fancy car and immediately saw me as a target.
And all those fucking parties and awards galas that I had to attend, I had always hated them. And the women saw that as an opportunity to find the most powerful man in the room. Anna was right, she didn’t fit in with this crowd, but now I was wondering if I had ever really fit in either. What the hell was I doing here? My life wasn’t fulfilled by helping others get a divorce. My job didn’t make me feel like all those years of sacrifice were worth it. If anything, now all I saw were the years I could have been by Anna’s side.
I thought of my brothers, about how simple their lives seemed. Eric worked hard and owned his own company, and he enjoyed what he did. Joe was apparently now a biker and ready to open his own tattoo parlor. Again, something he wanted to be doing. Will was a teacher, and he had always known that was what he wanted to do. Andrew…well, I wasn’t sure what the hell Andrew was doing, but he seemed happy. Was I the only one that had fucked up my life by trying to be something that maybe I wasn’t?
A knock at my door had me pulling myself out of those distracted thoughts. Rebecca stood at my door, a small smile on her face. I stared at her with no expression on my face. I didn’t know what to say or do.
“Can I come in?”
I straightened in my chair, like I did every time a client walked into my office. “Of course. How can I help you?” I asked, doing my best to remember my manners.
“I was just dropping by because we’ll be moving in a few days.”
I nodded. “That’s good. Once you’re out there and you establish residency, we can really get the ball rolling on all thi
s. How’s the security detail working for you?”
“It’s fine. Honestly, they’ve been very discreet, and I don’t think my husband really suspects anything.” She smiled mischievously. “Not that he would notice anything anyway. He’s too wrapped up in the nanny.”
I nodded, not knowing what to say.
“I have to say, I’m surprised that you’re here instead of with Anna. Aren’t you supposed to be on your honeymoon?”
It was then that it hit me that we hadn’t fooled Rebecca at all. She had come here, knowing that I would be here. If she had really believed that we had gotten married, she wouldn’t have come here at all.
“I think you already know that Anna and I aren’t really married.”
She smiled. “Well, you did a great job pulling that wedding off. I’m guessing someone else was supposed to get married that day?”
“My brother and his wife. They weren’t too upset about it. They didn’t want to get married in front of the whole town. So, what gave us away?”
She shrugged. “I knew from the start.”
“Really? Then why did you go along with it?”
“Because you two really do love each other. That much I was sure of. But it was clear that Anna didn’t want to be here.”
I huffed out a laugh, nodding slightly. “Yeah, she ended it after the fake wedding when I asked her to move in with me.”
“And you’re here.”
I gave a slight shrug. “I have nowhere else to be. This is the dream, right? A big office, a fancy apartment, a great car…”
“And no one to share it with.” She leaned forward and tilted her head. “Robert, can I clue you in on something?”
“Go for it.”
“Do you know how I got where I am?”
“Hard work, long hours, dedication…”
“Exactly. And along the way, I lost sight of what really mattered. Sure, I’m rich and I have what seems to be the perfect life, but my husband is sleeping with the nanny, and if the audio I have isn’t lying, he’s desperately in love with her. You see, I may be pissed at him for cheating on me, but even I can see that all those nights that he spent alone only widened the rift between us. Maybe we could have worked it out if I had been around more. Maybe not, but now I’ll never know. We’ve both made mistakes that have put us where we are today. So, maybe you need to ask yourself what would have happened had Anna come to live in the city with you.”
“You think we would have broken up eventually.”
“What I think doesn’t really matter. But ask yourself, was Anna ever herself when she was here? Was she happy? Did she like being here?”
I huffed out a laugh and shook my head. “Not even a little.”
“Can I give you one more piece of advice?”
“You’re just full of knowledge today.”
“Ask yourself if you’re really happy here. Now that you know the price of working here and living here, do you really still want all this? Because if you really love Anna as much as I think you do, I think you’re going to be miserable. Those vows that you said to her, all the times I saw you together, I saw what she really meant to you. You can’t fake that kind of love. She won’t be happy here, and you won’t be happy without her.”
I knew she was right. When I got Anna back, it was like a piece of me was put back into place, something I had been missing for a long time. But when she ended things, that piece went missing again. She was right, I would never be happy in this life. It was something I had needed to achieve, to prove to myself that what I had sacrificed wasn’t for nothing.
“Robert, I think I want to change our plans going forward.”
“In what way?”
“I don’t want to leave Chicago.”
“Rebecca, you know what that-“
“I know. I have another idea. I have enough video and audio feed to prove his infidelity. But I don’t think he really cares about his reputation at this point. After hearing the latest audio, I think what he really wants is to run off with the nanny and be happy. So, what if we put a proposal together for him, something that offers him a decent living, but gives him no ownership in my companies?”
“Do you really want to do that after everything he’s done?”
She smiled sadly. “What about everything I’ve done? No, I think it’s time I take responsibility for the part I played in the destruction of our marriage. Besides, if I don’t leave the city, I don’t have to uproot my kids’ lives. We can share custody and try and give some kind of normalcy to them.”
“Are you sure you want to do this?”
She glanced around my office, like she was looking at what it represented, and nodded. “Yes, this is what’s best for everyone.”
When she left, I looked around my office, much like she just had and saw what she saw…things that made you feel like you had accomplished something, but also tore you apart and left you feeling empty.
Anna
I stood in line at Mary Anne’s bakery, waiting to order my coffee and babka. Not that it really mattered. Food was tasteless to me. Coffee was just fuel to keep me going. I didn’t have the energy to do anything. I just wanted to sit on my couch and stare at the wall. Luckily, Eric was working, which meant that I was working. It kept me from going insane.
It was the day before New Year’s Eve, six days since I’d last seen Robert, and every day was more depressing than the last. I kept running through everything I had said to Robert on the evening of our fake wedding. I wondered if I had done the right thing. I wondered if I had given him a chance if we could have made it work. But every time I thought about staying with him and moving to Chicago, I remembered how much I hated it there. No, I had made the right decision, and I would get over Robert, just like I had all those years ago.
“Anna?”
I blinked up at Mary Anne and gave a half-hearted smile. “Hi, Mary Anne.”
“What can I get for you today? My machine is broken right now, so no lattes.”
I went to tell her that was fine, but for some reason, getting the babka without the latte made me sad. It was like my life was that babka, so delicious, but so lacking without the perfect latte to accompany it. I blinked back tears, and swiped at the stray ones that streaked down my face.
“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. I think I have some of those premixed cappuccinos,” Mary Anne said, slightly panicked.
“It’s no use,” I cried. “The babka went with the latte.”
“Well, what about hot cocoa?”
“Hot cocoa? Hot cocoa! Do you really think that just anything can replace the latte? It’s not that easy! You can’t just decide to have babka without a latte! It doesn’t work that way!” I shouted.
She stood there staring at me, complete shock on her face.
“What if we do donuts instead today?” she asked gently.
“Sure,” I swiped at my face. “Why not? Let’s just reinvent everything about my morning breakfast and see if that solves everything. Donuts are nothing like babka! Don’t you see? That’s the problem. Donuts could never be babka. You can’t just decide one day to become a different pastry! It’ll never work! Which is why babka can’t go with a cappuccino. They just don’t go well together.”
“Anna? Everything okay?” Jack asked from behind me. I turned around, tears spilling down my cheeks to see Jack standing there with Carter.
“Does everything look okay? The latte machine isn’t working. I can’t have babka without my latte.”
He nodded, like he completely understood me. “Okay, maybe we should skip the bakery this morning.”
“Right!” I threw up my hands. “Because that would make everything right. Just run away from the lack of delicious drinks in the bakery. If I run far enough, maybe I’ll find someone that can replace Mary Anne’s lattes!”
Carter leaned over to Jack, trying, but failing to whisper. “Do you think it’s that time of the month?”
“Yes!” I shouted, “because it would have to be that tim
e of the month for me to be so upset about lattes and babka, right? I couldn’t just be upset because they go together so well, but can’t seem to make it work.”
“Why do I get the feeling that we’re not talking about coffee?” Jack asked.
Carter sighed. “Because we’re not.”
I swiped at my nose, then wiped my hand against my clothes. God, I was a mess. I was having a meltdown in the middle of a bakery, comparing pastries to my life.
“I take it Robert didn’t hold up his end of the deal,” Carter said angrily.
I nodded. “He did, but I broke it off with him. We’re just too different.”
He huffed out a laugh, his thumbs hooked into his belt. “You know, for two people that have loved each other for over a decade, you really are the two stupidest people I’ve ever met.”
“I’d second that,” Jack nodded. “Broken up after just a few days of marriage.”
“That wasn’t a real marriage,” I croaked out.
“From where I stood, that was as real as it gets,” Carter said. “Trust me, I don’t want this thing with you and Robert to work. In fact, I would love it if he had done something truly stupid and pushed you away for good. But the truth is, there’s nothing that man wouldn’t do for you. So, different or not, you belong with him.”
I shook my head slightly. “But-“
“No, I don’t want to hear any more excuses. You live here, he lives in Chicago. He dresses like a pretentious prick and you’re down to earth. All that shit is just details. Are you really willing to walk away from a man that you’ve loved all your life because he lives in Chicago?”
“What am I supposed to do? Move to Chicago and be miserable?”
“It’s just a place. Home is where the heart is.”
“I can’t believe you just said that shit,” Jack muttered.
“It’s true. You’ll never be happy as long as you’re away from him. And as much as I’d love for you to move on, there’s not a single fucker out there that stands a chance with you as long as he’s in the picture. And he will always be in the picture. Don’t kid yourself on that.”
Collateral Damage: A Small Town Romance Page 31