“Throw it out. We won’t be eating anything that man touched.” My voice broke, and I hurried for the stairs.
I didn’t stop until I reached her room. Then I sat down in the rocking chair, holding her close, and let my tears fall, quickly giving way to loud sobs. A small part of me worried that Witt could hear me, but now that I’d started, I couldn’t stop. Hope was my entire world. I’d die if anything happened to her.
She started to cry, and I realized I was scaring her, so I forced myself to settle down, pulling the neckline of my dress down to let her nurse. I tried to stop thinking of all the horrible things that could have happened to her. Had I done enough to protect her? Had I spent too much time trying to one-up Denny?
I switched sides and gave her a weak smile. “I love you so much, Hope Violet Simmons. I don’t have much other than you and your daddy. The farm and my businesses. But those things have meaning. Worth. This is our home, and I need to make sure you’re safe here. The only way to do that is to risk my life. I don’t want to die. Even if you have plenty of people to care for you, I don’t want you to be motherless. My own birth mother died when I was about your age, and every day I wish I’d known her.” I gasped, the truthfulness of the statement hitting me full force.
My birth mother had been murdered under the guise of a car accident when I was less than two months old. Had she held me like this? Tried to pour as much love into me as physically possible? She’d been dealing with corruption at the plant where she worked, trying to expose it and make things right. Had she felt people breathing down her neck? Had she worried I’d be caught in the crossfire?
But Hope was oblivious to my inner thoughts. She continued to nurse, staring up at me with soulful eyes that seemed to take in the world.
“I don’t want to leave you motherless, but know that your daddy loves you so much,” I said through fresh tears. “I couldn’t have picked a better daddy for you in all the world.”
Better than Dora had chosen for me. My father had taken me after Dora’s death. We’d stayed with Aunt Bessie and Uncle Earl for a while, but my father had gone back to his wife, and I’d been raised by the woman I called Momma. A woman who’d always hated me because of my mother. Because of my visions. Because Dora’s death had broken my father, so much so he hadn’t been my protector. He’d become an accomplice to my mother’s abuse.
Was that why I was making sure everyone who came into contact with Hope loved her and felt a responsibility to make sure she was taken care of? So if I died and Joe fell apart, there would be a huge safety net to catch her?
Was that why Violet had been so adamant about me getting custody of her kids? Had she worried that Mike would devolve into the same spiral of hopelessness that had consumed our father? That the safety and well-being of her kids would be threatened?
I needed to find out what was in that safe. I needed to make sure that Ashley and Mikey were safe. It was the only thing I could still do for my sister.
I needed to talk to Joe about the what-ifs in case something happened to me, but deep in my heart, I knew I had nothing to fear. Joe would mourn me, but he wouldn’t shirk his responsibility to Hope. He loved her too much. He loved me too much.
I took a breath. “If something happens to me, your daddy will make sure you are loved. That you know you matter.” I started to cry again, then gave her my finger to hold as she looked up at me. “You will never feel unloved or unwanted. You will never feel lacking. You will always know how precious you are, and God forbid, if you are cursed with my visions, you will never, ever be made to feel like a freak. Your daddy will make sure you know how special you are.”
“Hey,” Joe said softly from the doorway, still wearing his deputy sheriff uniform. “What’s goin’ on?”
I looked up at him, and fresh tears pooled in my eyes. “Joe.”
Hope stopped nursing and turned her head at the sound of Joe’s voice.
He came to us and pulled me to a standing position before wrapping his arms around me, sandwiching Hope between us.
“I’m so glad you’re home,” I said, my voice breaking. I had to tell him what had just happened. He needed to know so he could play a part in protecting our daughter, but what could I tell him? I’d been frustrated by the wall between us before, but now I wanted to rip it down with a bulldozer. If he knew, though…he’d do something that might get him killed. Or Hope killed. And then the drug deal would happen anyway, and we wouldn’t be the only ones to suffer for it.
Without a word, he led me to our bedroom and took Hope as he gently pushed me to sit on the bed.
“Rose, what’s goin’ on?” he repeated gently.
“I’m just bein’ silly,” I murmured, the excuse spilling out. “My hormones are all out of whack.” Even as I said the words, I hated myself for lying to him. Maybe I should leave Hope with him and go somewhere else until everything died down. Lord knew he’d do a much better job of protecting her than I had.
“Why’s Witt downstairs lookin’ like someone kicked him in the shins?”
I glanced up at him and said nothing.
“I take it he has guard duty? Is he unhappy with the assignment?”
“No,” I said, refusing to let him think badly of Witt. “He’s just having a moment.”
“A moment.”
“Yeah.”
“Why are you up here tellin’ Hope how wonderful I am? I mean, it’s true, of course, but still.” He gave me a cocky grin, but it looked forced. Even now, he was trying to make me feel better.
“Because I can never tell her that enough, Joe.”
He turned serious.
“If something happens to me…” I began.
“What’s gonna happen to you?”
“If something happens to me,” I repeated with more force, “you have to promise me that you will make sure the woman you eventually marry will be kind to Hope.”
“Well, first of all,” he said, sitting on the bed next to me. “There’s only one woman I plan on ever marryin’, and that’s you.”
“But someday…”
“I would sooner cut off my foot before I’d let anyone hurt our daughter, either physically or emotionally.”
“Thank you,” I whispered.
He clasped my hand, twining our fingers. “Rose, what’s goin’ on? Let me help you.”
I turned to look up at him, giving him a watery smile. “You said something similar to me after Momma was murdered. I was sittin’ on her bed lookin’ at old photos, and you found me cryin’. You begged me to let you help.” I took a breath. “But you had an ulterior motive. You were workin’ undercover tryin’ to get information out of me.”
Hurt filled his eyes. “Is that what you think I’m doin’ now? Tryin’ to weasel information out of you for my investigation?”
I shook my head. “No. The opposite. Now you’re goin’ out of your way to make sure I know you have my best interests in mind.”
“I did back then too, you know,” he said quietly. “I knew you were in trouble, and I was desperate to help you.” The corners of his mouth lifted into a soft smile. “Just like I’m desperate to help you now.”
“I know.”
He laid our daughter in the bassinet, and Muffy hopped onto the mattress next to it, curling up as close to her as possible. Hope’s eyes were so heavy, it was almost comical, and the sight of them lying down so close to each other was achingly sweet.
I had so much to lose.
He turned sideways on the edge of the bed to face me. “Do you have any idea how scared I am right now?” he asked, his voice sounding strangled.
“I’m sorry. I want to tell you what’s goin’ on. To reassure you.” I squeezed his hand. “There’s so much I want to tell you, but people have confided in me only because I’ve given them my word I won’t tell anyone they’ve spoken to me. I will tell you, as your future wife to her soon-to-be husband, that something big is about to go down. Big and incredibly dangerous. Whether it happens or not could affect
the future of the county for a very long time.”
He searched my face. “And you think you can stop it?” A year ago, he would have asked in disbelief, as though I were delusional. Now he was asking as though weighing the risk against the consequences.
“I’m not naïve enough to think I’m that special,” I said with a derisive laugh. “But I’ve spent a year and a half earning a reputation in the underworld, and like it or not, I still have it. People come to me.”
“As a mediator?” he asked.
I nodded, searching his face. “Sometimes I really wish I could share more with you. I’d like your insight into situations, and I hate that we have secrets, but I can’t forget there’s a line separating us.”
“Between law enforcement and the criminal world.”
“I’m not a criminal, Joe,” I insisted.
He lifted his hand to cup my cheek. “I know,” he said with a weak smile, but then it fell. “What you’re about to do is dangerous?”
I nodded. “I’d say no to this, but I can’t.”
“Who’s protecting you?” he asked, his voice tight.
“Tomorrow morning? Dermot.”
“What about Jed?” he asked, ignoring my comment about tomorrow.
“No. He and Neely Kate are worried about Kate hanging around. They’re holin’ up at home, hopin’ to ride out the storm.”
“That’s not Jed’s style,” he said in disbelief, “not to mention he’s always been protective of you.”
“They’re scared they’re gonna lose their baby,” I said. “He has his own family to think about.”
His mouth parted in surprise, and he lowered his hand to his lap, staring at me for a second before his face began to harden.
“Please don’t pull away from me, Joe,” I pleaded. “I need you more than I’ve ever needed you before. Please try to understand.”
He studied me, his face devoid of emotion. “If I weren’t in law enforcement, would you tell me things?”
Would I? Last year, no. He would have thought me incapable of navigating these dark, deep waters, but now? He’d known I was doing something dangerous last fall and winter, even if I hadn’t shared any specifics. And while he’d been worried and scared, he hadn’t interfered. Would it be different now?
“That depends,” I said slowly. “Like I said, I wouldn’t be able to tell you everything. I protect my sources, but I do have meetings with Jed, Dermot, and Witt about how to handle things.”
And I had to protect him too. If I told him about the meeting, he would feel duty-bound to do something about it. He would tell his boss, and if his boss or someone else in the department was a source for Hardshaw, then Joe’s fate would be sealed.
“And you give them more information than you share with me?” he asked, his voice still neutral, but I could see a storm brewing in his eyes.
“Yes,” I admitted. “I wish I could share everything I know with you, but I can’t. It’s to protect you too.”
“Because of my job?”
I nodded tightly, because it was true, and we both knew it.
He glanced to the side, his body rigid, and I wondered if this was it. If yet another relationship had been destroyed by the Lady in Black.
He got off the bed and headed toward the door, and I was sure he was walking away from me, from Hope and our life together, but he stopped at his dresser and reached for the badge on his uniform. He turned back to face me, then unhooked it, placing it on the dresser.
I got off the bed. “What are you doin’?”
Next, he removed the weapon holstered at his waist and placed it next to the badge.
“What are you doin, Joe?”
He lifted his hand to the buttons on his uniform shirt, slowly unfastening them, his gaze boring into mine with a heat that felt scorching. “I just quit. I’ll turn in my resignation within the next half hour.”
Panic swirled through my head. “You can’t do that.”
“I sat on that bed, asking you who was goin’ to protect you, all the while dyin’ inside because I want to be the one to protect you, Rose. Me.”
I shook my head, “Joe…”
“Even Jed is circlin’ the wagons, protectin’ his family, and I’m supposed to stand back and let Dermot protect you. Again,” he spat in self-loathing. “You would think bein’ the damn chief deputy sheriff would be enough.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, choking back a sob. I glanced at Hope, worried we were disturbing her, but she was fast asleep. My gaze shot back to Joe, who was staring at me with fire in his eyes.
“Don’t you ever apologize for being who you are. Not to me. Not to anyone.” Something subtle between us shifted, and everything felt charged.
A fire swept through my blood, and my breathing hitched. “You can’t quit your job, Joe. You love it. The sheriff’s department needs you. The county needs you.”
But I flashed to my visions again. Maybe quitting was the safest route for him. Telling him about the meeting had led to his death because he worked for the sheriff’s department. If he didn’t…
He took a step toward me, his voice low. “It’s just a damn job, Rose. You and Hope are more important.”
But I knew it was more than a job to him. He liked keeping people safe. “If you quit, what will you do?”
“I don’t know,” he said, his dark, possessive gaze pinned on me. “And right now, I don’t care.” He closed the distance between us, grabbing the back of my head in a tight hold and pulling me flush to his body, then said fiercely, “I want you, Rose.” His voice was husky with need. “Every last part of you. Tomorrow feels like a decade away.”
“I went to the doctor today,” I said, my fingers shaking as I reached for the remaining buttons on his shirt. “They had to change Dr. Newton’s schedule.”
Surprise filled his eyes.
“I’m good. I’m healed.” I grabbed his cheeks with both hands. “And you have no idea how much I want every last part of you too.”
His mouth covered mine, hungry with need, and I matched him, tugging off his shirt while his lips claimed mine.
His free hand cupped my bottom and then slid down my leg, hiking the fabric of my dress higher as he went until his hand brushed the holster strapped to my thigh. He lifted his head, his gaze dipping to my legs before lifting to my eyes.
My breath hitched at the raw hunger I saw in them.
His touch on my leg lightened, his fingers skimming the skin up and down my inner thigh.
A wave of lust rushed through me as he traced his way up to the crotch of my panties, then back down my leg.
I released a low moan.
“Do you have any idea how incredibly sexy it is that you can protect yourself?” he said in a low voice as he turned me and pushed me backward until my back was to the wall by the dresser. He dropped to his knees and spread my legs wide, then hooked my left calf over his shoulder. He swept the hem of my dress higher up my thigh, over my holster, as he pressed kisses to my inner thigh.
I shivered, placing my hands on his shoulders, needing to touch him more than I needed support.
He nimbly unhooked my holster and reached up to place it on the dresser. His gaze lifted to mine again. Dark and hungry. Possessive. “But I’m taking over your bodyguard position. You are mine to protect.”
Another wave of heat washed through me, making my knees weak.
He kissed the red mark on my thigh where the holster had been, moving higher until he reached the edge of my panties.
My breath came in short bursts as I watched him, the anticipation of what he was about to do setting my body on fire.
He lifted my leg off his shoulder in a slow, deliberate movement, placing it so that I was standing with my legs spread. The hem of my dress fell.
“Take off your dress,” he said in a husky tone, looking up at me from his knees.
Without a word, I reached down and pulled the dress over my head, and let it drop to the floor.
His gaze swept o
ver my body with hungry need, and I realized I wasn’t embarrassed by the stretch marks and loose skin that hadn’t been there the last time we’d slept together before. I had more weight on my hips, and my beige nursing bra and faded navy blue panties could in no way be called lingerie, but he made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.
His fingers hooked on the top of my panties, and he slowly slid them over my hips and then my legs, lifting my feet one at a time until I was free of them.
Starting at my ankle, his mouth and tongue trailed up my leg, stopping at my core. I leaned my head against the wall, closing my eyes as a white hot fire shot through me.
He grabbed my leg and hooked it over his shoulder again, giving him better access.
I dug my hands in his hair, holding on while he pushed me higher and higher.
“Joe,” I moaned. “I need you. Now.”
He kissed his way up my stomach, pushing my leg off his shoulder as he got to his feet.
I grabbed his face, kissing him hard as his hands reached behind me to unfasten my bra and toss it aside.
I wanted him naked and against me. I wanted him inside me, and there was too much fabric between us. I dropped my hands and fumbled with his belt, but he impatiently brushed my hands away and undid it himself, pushing his pants and underwear to his feet, then taking a step back from me to slide off his shoes, socks, and pants, until he stood naked in front of me.
I sucked in a breath, pressing my back to the wall as I took him in. While my body had gotten softer, his had gotten harder, and his muscles were more defined than I remembered them. Nostalgia washed through me, and I thought about the last time we’d made love. It had been filled with desperation and the sense of imminent loss, but this…this was filled with the promise of forever.
“I had tomorrow night all planned out,” Joe walked to his dresser and opened the top drawer. “Candlelight. Flowers. Seduction.”
“This is seduction, Joe,” I said breathlessly. “Those other things would be nice, but I need this too. I’m not the good girl you remember.”
He pulled out a box of condoms and broke the sealed lid. “Good. Because I want you here against this wall.”
It All Falls Down: Rose Gardner Investigations #7 (Rose Gardner Investigatons) Page 15