by Cat Clarke
‘What? Why? It’s no big deal!’
‘I know. It’s … I don’t know. It feels a bit weird.’ He sat up and pulled on his shirt. ‘Let me go and talk to him.’
A suspicion suddenly dawned on me. ‘You have told him about us … haven’t you?’
Nat’s silence said it all. ‘Shit! Why haven’t you told him? No wonder his eyes nearly popped out of his head!’
Nat had the good grace to look ashamed. ‘I’m sorry. I just … I wasn’t sure if he’d be OK with it. You know … cos you two know each other.’
‘So what if we know each other?’ I said, with added sulk.
‘Well … I just didn’t want him worrying about us talking about him. That’s all.’
I weighed this up while straightening my top. ‘So it’s not cos you’re embarrassed to be seen with me?’ This came out a little more poutingly than I’d intended.
‘As if! Just look at you!’ He pulled me towards him for a deep, long kiss.
‘Flattery will get you everywhere, Nathaniel. But not right now. Come on. You’ve got some explaining to do. Go and talk to him. I’ll wait here.’
‘Are we OK then?’
‘Yup. Now scoot!’ Nat jumped up from the bed and left the room. I lay back and stared at the ceiling. There was a crack in it. I tried to tell myself that it was OK. Nat’s reason for not telling Devon was perfectly plausible. And anyway, I hadn’t told my mum about us either. But that was different. You need to be in the same room as someone for more than five seconds to have a conversation. And I’d made sure that hadn’t happened since her little attempted heart-to-heart the night I’d met up with Soph.
As I lay on Nat’s bed, surrounded by Nat’s things, wrapped up in Nat’s world, I couldn’t help but think that this might be it – the first tiny little crack I’d been waiting for. A crack that would widen into a great big gaping fissure, which I would tumble into – never to be seen again.
Nat came back after a few minutes and sat on the side of the bed.
‘Well?’
‘He’s gone out. He’s pretty pissed off and I can’t really blame him.’ Nat sighed and stared at the floor.
‘Hey, come on now. You haven’t done anything wrong. So you didn’t tell your little brother about your new girlfriend? It’s hardly the crime of the century.’ I reached out and stroked the back of his neck, where his hair was short and fuzzy. He twisted his head away.
‘Don’t, Grace.’
‘Don’t what? Come on … Devon’s gone out. Let’s just …’ My hand crept up his thigh as I spoke.
‘Stop it!’ Nat leaped up from the bed and paced away. I was too surprised to say anything for a minute or two. He stood against the wall, his fist at his forehead.
‘Okaaaay, I’m just gonna go.’ I hastily stood and started to gather my stuff together, telling myself that I wasn’t going to cry I wasn’t going to cry I wasn’t going to cry. I was halfway to the door before Nat turned to face me.
‘Grace, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.’ He took a step towards me, put his hands over his face and exhaled loudly. When his hands slid down, he looked at me sadly. ‘I’m sorry for being such a twat. It’s just that things with Devon are kind of … complicated. They always have been. I just need to speak to him properly, and I’m sure it will all be fine.’ Nat came closer, and reached out for my hand with his. His fingers wrapped around mine and squeezed them gently. I looked up into his eyes and searched for the truth in his words. I wasn’t sure if it was there or not, but he looked so sad and so hopeful that it didn’t seem to matter. I hugged him.
‘Talk to Devon. Call me whenever. It’s fine.’ I was very impressed with myself for being such a big person about it. I felt terribly mature.
‘You sure?’
‘Yup.’ Breezy as breezy can be. I kissed Nat quickly on the lips, said a cheery goodbye and left his room without looking back.
I was at the bottom of the stairs when Nat called to me, ‘Grace!’ I looked up and saw his face peering over the banisters.
‘Thanks for being so amazing. I mean it. You’re really … I really care about you. I just wanted you to know that.’ I wanted to run back up the stairs and show him just how amazing I could be, but I was ever so taken with the ‘new mature me’ (even if she was only temporary), so I rewarded Nat with a winning smile and a quiet ‘I know’. And then I was gone, out the front door and down the street. Trying my hardest to remember Nat’s parting words, rather than the weirdness that had gone before.
Managed to get back to sleep for a while after all. It must be early though. Ethan hasn’t been in with my breakfast yet. I’m starving. I hardly ever eat breakfast at home, much to Mum’s annoyance. When I was fifteen I tried starting the day with a cup of black coffee. I must have been going through a ‘disaffected youth’ phase. I hated the taste; it was all I could do not to grimace each time I took a sip. It was worth it though, cos it annoyed Mum so much. She was all ‘Breakfast is the most important meal of the day’ and ‘A girl your age shouldn’t be drinking that’. Which was clearly the wrong way to go about getting me to do what she wanted. Mothers can be so dense. Just act like you approve of what we’re doing. We’ll soon do the exact opposite, just to spite you.
Anyway, I’m just going to have to ignore my gurgling stomach and try not to think about crispy bacon on white bread, splattered with ketchup and dripping with fat. Or a boiled egg and soldiers …
The day after the Devon Debacle, something surprising happened.
Sal texted me: ‘Need to talk to you. Please?’
I had no idea what to make of it. The message filled me with hope and dread and everything in between. I had half a mind to let Sal sweat for a couple of days, but since I was being so very mature I texted her straight back, with a simple ‘OK’. I certainly wasn’t going to give anything away if she wasn’t. I only had to wait a couple of seconds for a reply: ‘Thanks. At the swings? Nine?’ God knows why she wanted to go back there again.
It had been almost two months since our fight. It was hard to believe that I hadn’t even laid eyes on her since that ridiculous night. I’d always kept an eye out for her when I was out and about, especially when I was with Nat. Half hoping that she would see how happy I could be without her. And half hoping that just being face to face with her again would magically fix what was broken.
It was only just starting to get dark by the time I went to meet Sal. A few people lingered in the park, playing Frisbee, drinking beer and pretending they weren’t getting cold. A couple of fourteen-year-olds were on the swings, ramming their tongues down each other’s throats. Nice. I sat on a bench a little way away, looking at my watch every couple of minutes. 9.09 and still no sign of Sal.
And then there was a tap on my shoulder and a quiet ‘Hey’. Sal rounded the bench and sat down next to me. I returned her ‘Hey’ and studied her in the fading light. She looked different. She’d had her hair cut, and it really suited her. But she looked so thin. She wasn’t wearing any make-up and the dark circles under her eyes stood out a mile. I was shocked at the difference a couple of months could make. I was pretty sure I just looked like the same old Grace to her – apart from a mammoth spot that was threatening to erupt on my chin any moment.
I was the first to speak. ‘So … how have you been?’ I couldn’t help but laugh nervously at the absurdity of the question. Sal even cracked a smile. ‘I mean, well, I suppose I don’t really know what to say.’ I scuffed my trainers on the gravel under the bench, waiting for Sal to say something.
‘Grace, I’m so, so sorry.’ Well, that was a start at least. I waited for her to go on. ‘This has all been a complete nightmare. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to pick up the phone and ring you …’ She trailed off and I could tell that she was fighting back the tears – unsuccessfully, as it turned out. ‘I’ve missed you.’
And she looked at me with those Bambi eyes brimming with tears and quietly said, ‘Do you think we can ever …?’ before trailing off a
gain. She stared at the ground, not bothering to wipe the tears from her face. I just wanted to hug her and tell her everything would be OK. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
‘I don’t know.’
‘Grace, you have to believe me. I was an idiot. I don’t have any excuses, but I was scared and angry and I didn’t know what to do.’
‘So you took it out on me?’ It had to be said.
Sal nodded. ‘I just wanted someone to blame, and somehow that ended up being you. I don’t know why. You were the one person who was there for me and I messed it up completely.’
‘Why now?’ I found it hard to look at her.
‘What do you mean?’
‘It’s been two months. Why are you coming to me now?’
‘I just … I thought you wouldn’t talk to me before. Especially after what I said. About the cutting.’ As if I needed reminding. ‘Grace, I didn’t mean it. You know I don’t think that. I just lashed out with the first thing I could think of.’ She reached out for my hand. I didn’t pull away. ‘It was a terrible thing to say and I know how it must have made you feel.’
‘I don’t think you do. When the person you love most in the world says something like that …’
‘But it’s not true!’ Sal squeezed my hand.
I shrugged. ‘Maybe it is.’
‘Don’t be stupid, Grace. If you did it for attention, do you not think that maybe you wouldn’t hide it quite so well?’
Another shrug from me. I wasn’t going to make this easy for her. ‘And the boy stuff? You as good as called me a slag.’
‘I didn’t mean it. Just because we feel differently about the whole sex thing doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.’ She paused. ‘You know, you said some pretty harsh things too.’
I pulled my hand away from hers. ‘Well, I was feeling pretty fucking defensive, wasn’t I?! It’s not every day I get blamed for someone getting pregnant, especially since I seem to be lacking the right equipment for the job!’
We sat in silence for a while. Sal had stopped crying and was picking at a hole in her jeans.
‘I had the abortion.’ Her voice was flat.
‘Was it awful?’
‘I don’t know. It was weird. It was a relief, I suppose. I thought it would all be OK afterwards, and maybe it would have been if I hadn’t pushed you away.’
‘Did you go by yourself?’
Sal nodded, and I felt some of the bad feeling between us slip away into the night.
‘I wish you’d have let me be there.’
‘So do I.’
We looked at each other and I thought that maybe (just maybe) it was going to be all right for us. Maybe things could get back to normal. I wasn’t going to forget the things she’d said. And she probably wasn’t going to forget what I’d said – or the fact that I’d slapped her good and proper. But maybe there was a chance to move beyond all that.
‘I’ve missed you loads as well, you know.’ We smiled shy little smiles at each other. ‘Come here, you.’ I grabbed her in a hug. Now it was time for me to start blubbing, and Sal blubbed right along with me.
Eventually, I pulled away and looked at her. Tear-shiny, puffy face. ‘Wow. I hope I don’t look as bad as you!’
Sal laughed. ‘Well, you do. Unless you think blotchy is a particularly good look …?’
‘I’ve always been quite partial to it myself! Listen, do you want to come back to mine. We can have a proper catch-up. It’s … It’s been too long.’
Back at home, I grabbed a bag of crisps and some salsa and we headed up to my room. Within a few minutes we were back in our all-too familiar positions – me propped up against the headboard with some pillows, Sal sitting opposite me cross-legged, food in the middle.
‘So … have you seen your favourite would-be stalker recently?’
Sal looked up a little too quickly. ‘I take it you mean Devon? Nah, haven’t seen him since … Haven’t seen him for ages.’
I was sceptical. ‘Really? What kind of rubbish stalker is he if he can’t even follow you around properly? He’ll have to give his night-vision goggles back at stalker school.’ Sal ignored my pathetic attempt at humour, and I felt a twinge of guilt about taking the piss out of Devon.
Sal munched on a crisp before casually asking me if I’d seen him. I thought for a split second that maybe Devon had managed to do a bit more than stalk Sal after all. And then my thoughts speedily bounced back to little old me, as per usual. I’d kind of wanted to keep the stuff about me and Nat to myself until I was feeling one hundred per cent about Sal. But I was up to a good seventy-five, and the comforting familiarity of the circumstances was hard to ignore.
I traced a finger over the pattern of the duvet cover, suddenly all coy. Not like me at all. But somehow this was different.
I cleared my throat and avoided eye contact. ‘Er … I have seen him actually. I’m sort of … well, I’m seeing his brother.’ I looked up shyly to see Sal’s reaction. Not the one of complete gleeful surprise I was hoping for. More like a head-nodding ‘Huh, interesting’ sort of look. Disappointing.
‘Really?’ That was the best she could do. I tried not to show that I cared.
‘Yeah. You didn’t tell me Devon had such a fit brother! Wanted to keep him all to yourself, did you?’
‘Don’t be ridiculous. I …’
‘Sal, I was joking!’ Neither of us was laughing.
Then Sal said, ‘I’m really happy for you. Tell me EVERYTHING.’ I looked at her, trying to gauge her actual interest level, but it was hard to fault her. Her eyes were bright and her grin was firmly back in place.
‘Well,’ I started, with fake reluctance, ‘he’s just … great. I’ve only been seeing him a few weeks, but it feels, I don’t know, different. There’s something about him. I think I could fall in love with him.’ I paused. ‘In fact, I think I already have.’ I could not believe I’d just said that. But the words sounded right.
Sal looked at me disbelievingly. ‘You’re kidding, right?’
‘Er … no. Why is it so hard to believe?’
‘It’s not. I suppose it just doesn’t sound like you. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great. I just thought you didn’t buy into all that love stuff.’
I shrugged. ‘Maybe I’ve changed. He really is different, you know. Those other boys were, well, they were losers, weren’t they? Nat makes me feel like I’m worth something. I didn’t think I’d meet someone like that. Part of me thinks that he’s going to realize what I’m really like and run a mile.’
‘You deserve this, Grace – someone to treat you properly.’
‘Whether I deserve him or not, I’m hanging on to him for dear life!’ We both laughed. ‘I can’t wait for you to meet him. You’re gonna love him – though not too much, I hope! The three of us should go out one night. It’ll be great. God, I hope you do like him. I’m sure you will. And he’ll definitely like you. You’ve got loads in common. Jesus, I’m wittering, aren’t I? Just tell me to shut up.’
Sal smiled, happy to indulge me. ‘You don’t have to shut up! So what is it that makes this one so special?’
‘I suppose it would be too lame to say “EVERYTHING”?’
‘Yes, that is definitely too lame!’
I sat back and thought a little. ‘He makes me feel giddy. He’s incredibly hot, but I don’t just want to have sex with him – I want to be his friend. I want to talk to him and find out what he thinks about things. And it feels like he sees something different in me … Maybe I’m not explaining it very well. He makes me feel good about myself. And I feel safe when I’m with him.’ I looked up at Sal, certain she was going to chuck a pillow at my head for being so cheesy, but she had a faraway, wistful look in her eyes. I suddenly realized that maybe this was the last thing she wanted to be talking about right now.
‘Sorry, Sal. I’m going to shut up now. Enough Nat chat! Let’s talk about something else.’
Sal refocused her eyes on mine and smiled. ‘I don’t have much
to say, I’m afraid.’
I saw the opportunity to say something I felt needed to be said. ‘I know you probably don’t want to talk about this, but I just want you to know something. If you do want to tell me what happened and who you slept with, I’m here to listen. I won’t judge you, or think any less of you, no matter what you say. You’re my best friend and I love you. You can tell me anything.’
There was a bit of an awkward silence before Sal said, ‘Thank you. That means a lot. I just need you to understand that I don’t want to talk about it.’
‘Fair enough.’ I shrugged, hiding my frustration fairly well. I’d sort of hoped that Sal would open up after I’d bared my soul about Nat. Except it wasn’t really the same thing, was it?
I wish I knew what time it is. I’m exhausted. Today has been dullsville. Ethan eventually appeared with my breakfast. He asked if I was hungry and seemed to be genuinely sorry when I said that I was starving (slight exaggeration, but my stomach was making some rather fetching gurgling noises).
After my breakfast had settled, I ramped up the exercise a bit. Two hundred sit-ups, some random stretches and running for (I guess) thirty minutes. It felt good. No wonder I’m so knackered though.
There’s not much more to tell about the Great Sal and Grace Reunion. After a couple more hours of inane chatter, and A LOT more of me mooning about Nat (despite my best intentions not to), Sal and I fell asleep. I woke up the next morning sprawled diagonally across the bed, still in my clothes. Sal was curled up at the bottom of the bed, her hair covering her face.
I sat up and reached for the glass of water I always keep by my bed, but my coordination was clearly a bit off and I ended up side-swiping the glass onto the floor. I swore loudly, and Sal woke up. She stretched, groaned a little and turned to give me a sleepy smile. In that moment, I’d have bet money that we were thinking the same thing. Something along the lines of: ‘Maybe things can get back to normal after all.’
Or perhaps that was just me.
day 20