by Cat Clarke
I ran from the bus stop to the shop where I was meeting Sal. We always met in the same place when we were in town. It wasn’t as if there was much choice – there were only about three half-decent shops. Sal wasn’t waiting outside, so I headed inside. I was twenty minutes late, but that was pretty standard for Sal, so I knew she wouldn’t have been waiting too long – if she was even there yet.
The shop was busy and it took me a while to find her. She was in the lingerie section, holding two bras and staring vacantly into space. She didn’t notice me until I was right in front of her, waving my hand in front of her face.
‘Oh, hi.’
‘Hi, space cadet. What planet are you on right now? Hmm … Planet Va-va-voom, by the looks of those!’ I gestured at the bras. They were lacy and black and nothing like the underwear Sal owned. Well, none that I’d seen.
‘These? Er … yeah … I wasn’t …’ She started to put them back on the rail.
‘But you totally should. At least get this one. Ooh … and get the knickers too … Here you go.’ I held out the matching set and raised my eyebrows suggestively. The knickers were tiny.
Sal shook her head. ‘I don’t think so …’
I tutted. ‘Well why were you even looking at them then? That’s proper pulling underwear. Hey, you weren’t planning on going on the pull without me, were you? Cos that is just not on!’
‘Don’t be ridiculous. It’s just … I’d already looked at everything else in the shop about four times, cos you’re so bloody late. I’m not buying them … I mean, they’re not really me, are they?’ She looked so embarrassed I wanted to hug her.
‘OK, fair enough. Sorry I’m late, but I’ve got a really good reason. You won’t believe it! But first things first, you should absolutely buy this underwear. Even if you don’t want to wear it now, you’ll be thanking me when Mr Fabulous comes knocking on your door. Trust me on this one.’
Sal shook her head again, but I could tell her resistance was flagging.
‘You know I’m right. Every girl should have some kick-ass underwear at the back of her knicker drawer – just for special occasions … And you never know when that special occasion might be. Do it. By the power vested in me as bestest friend ever, I ORDER you to buy these.’
Sal rolled her eyes, grabbed the hangers from me and headed off to the cash desk. Result.
We left the shop, after a lot of muttering from Sal about not really being able to afford her purchases.
‘Soooo … aren’t you going to ask me why I was late?’
Sal obliged. ‘Why were you late then?’
‘Ah, all in good time, my dear. I reckon this kind of gossip definitely calls for a drink. What do you say? Might help the hangover – hair of the dog?’
Sal wasn’t sure. She looked at her watch and ummed and ahhed a bit.
‘Come on … you know you want to. We can celebrate your first foray into ooh-la-la lingerie.’ That comment got the withering look it deserved, so I tried one last avenue of attack. ‘I’m buying?’ That clinched it.
A few minutes later we were settled on a sofa in a bar I’d never been to before. I slipped off my shoes and tucked my feet underneath me, took a sip from my stupidly big glass of red wine and relished the moment. There was nothing quite like having a sweet morsel of gossip to impart. I could tell Sal’s patience was wearing thin, but that just made it more fun for me.
When I couldn’t bear it any longer, I launched into the story. ‘Guess who’s got a secret admirer?’ A sufficiently intriguing start.
Sal listened quietly as I told my tale, occasionally interrupting with the odd comment or two, such as, ‘But you’ve always thought Devon was a loser, haven’t you?’ Fair point.
I was nearly one hundred per cent honest about everything that had gone on. And if I happened to omit the fact that I’d been kind of flirting with him, then who could blame me? I hadn’t quite come to terms with the idea that I was finding Nat’s little brother more attractive the more I got to know him. Eurgh. It was just plain wrong. Anyway, I was pretty sure the feelings would go away if I ignored them for long enough …
When I eventually got to the good bit, Sal’s reaction didn’t disappoint.
‘He said what?’
‘I know! Hysterical, isn’t it? It was like something out of a cheesy soap. “He doesn’t deserve you!” I almost laughed in his face!’ Not strictly true.
‘Why would he say something like that? What’s it got to do with him?’ Sal’s annoyance was clear.
‘I dunno. I guess—’
‘It’s none of his business! Why can’t he keep his nose out of it? It’s pathetic.’
‘All right, calm down.’ I laughed. I hadn’t expected Sal to get quite so cross about it. Well, I hadn’t expected her to get cross at all, actually. ‘No need to get your knickers in a twist. Oooh … speaking of knickers … let’s have a look at what you bought. I desperately need some new underwear. Now that Nat’s off back to uni I’ve got to make sure I keep things … interesting, y’know? Don’t want him getting distracted by any skanky student girls – like that weird Anna girl.’
It was a lame attempt to change the subject, and Sal was having none of it. ‘What else did he say?’
I shrugged. ‘Nothing really. He pretty much scarpered before I could say anything back to him. He did text and apologize though.’
‘What is he playing at?’ She leaned back into the sofa and sighed.
‘Er … it’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?’
Sal looked confused.
‘Duh. He fancies me, doesn’t he? Little Devon’s got a crush!’ I shushed the little voice inside my head – the one that was calling me a bitch.
‘A crush? On you?’
‘Of course! It’s so obvious. Why else would he be all weird and jealous of Nat? Asking me if I loved him and all that!’
Sal nodded slowly. ‘Maybe you’re right.’
‘Well, I can’t think of any other reason he’d be so weird. Can you?’
She was biting her nails again. Suddenly I felt bad. ‘Hey, are you OK about this?’
‘About what?’
‘Well … I know Devon’s always worshipped the ground you walk on. I’m sure he’ll be over me and back to following you around in no time. It’s just cos I’m with Nat – that’s the only reason, I’m sure of it.’
‘Whoa there, Grace. Are you …? You think I’m jealous, don’t you? You actually think I’m jealous!’
I shrugged. ‘Not jealous exactly … I mean, I know you’re not interested in him. It’s just that it’s nice to be wanted, isn’t it? Even if you don’t want that person back – it’s sort of flattering.’ I couldn’t seem to think of the right words – the words that would make Sal not be annoyed with me.
‘You are unbelievable! You know that, don’t you?’
‘What?! What did I say? I’m sorry, OK? It’s not my fault that two boys like me and …’ I stopped myself short. Just in time – I hoped.
‘And what? And no one’s interested in me? That’s what you think, isn’t it?’
‘No, not at all. I never said that! Look, let’s talk about something else. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.’ But I wasn’t sorry. Not really. I had no clue why this harmless bit of gossip had suddenly turned into something sinister.
She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment. ‘It’s OK, Grace. I’m sorry I overreacted. I think I’m just tired after last night.’
I put my arm around her and pulled her towards me. ‘Hey, that’s OK. Let’s forget about boys for a bit, eh? Sometimes I feel that all I ever talk about or think about is Nat, or something vaguely Nat-related. And that can’t be healthy, can it? What’s happened to me, eh?’
Sal leaned her head towards mine. ‘Maybe that’s what happens when you love someone. You really love him, don’t you?’ she asked quietly.
‘I do. It scares me, Sal. It really scares me. What if I lose him? Sooner or later he’s bound to realize what I’m like. He could
do so much better. Why can’t he see it?’
‘Don’t say that. You’re a good person. He’s … lucky to have you.’
‘Do you really mean that?’ I felt small and pathetic, needing reassurance, needing someone to tell me that I was OK after all. Not a freak. Not a bitch. Not a slag.
Sal turned to face me. She looked as if she was ready to cry, but her voice was steady. ‘Of course I mean it. You deserve Nat. And he deserves you … You two are right for each other. Anyone can see that.’
I felt a rush of affection and hugged her. ‘Thank you. That means a lot. You always know the right thing to say. Sometimes I wish I was more like you, you know.’ I’d never voiced this thought before. Possibly because it was ultra lame.
Sal snored with derision. ‘Yeah, right, course you do.’
‘It’s true. I don’t know – it’s like you’re my moral compass or something … You always do the right thing. And I try to do the right thing, I really do. But it always seems to get fucked up somehow, and there’s no one to blame for that but me.’
Sal’s eyes searched mine. ‘Don’t say things like that. It’s not true. I like you just the way you are.’ She squeezed my hand.
‘Thanks, honey. You are the awesomest best friend I could ever have wished for.’
Sal shook her head dismissively. She never was comfortable with getting a compliment. It was one of the things I admired about her. I was all too ready to gobble up any praise anyone deigned to throw my way.
We stayed in the bar till closing time. Sal hadn’t really wanted to, but I’d managed to convince her it was the right thing to do. It was fun. Fun like the old days fun. We talked about things that we used to talk about – before all the drama.
Later, I waited with Sal at the bus stop. When the bus eventually arrived, she stumbled onto it, but not before slurring a question in my direction. ‘Why do I let you talk me into these things?’
‘Because you LOVE me, and I know what’s best for you!’ I half shouted, half sang back at her. People on the bus looked at me weirdly, so I treated them to a little bow as the bus pulled away.
I looked at my watch and pondered for a second. Nat was working the late shift. He’d be locking up right about now. I smiled to myself, and reached out to hail a taxi.
It started raining almost as soon as I got in the cab. The motion of the windscreen wipers and the sultry tones of late-night love songs on the radio lulled me into a semi-doze.
‘Oi! Sweetheart!’ The cabbie’s tone made it clear this wasn’t his first attempt at waking me up. ‘We’re here! If here’s where you want to be. Looks like you’ve missed last orders. Sure you don’t want me to take you home? A pretty little thing like you shouldn’t be wandering around on her own this time of night.’
I tried to remember where I was and why. ‘Eh? No, that’s OK. I’m meeting my boyfriend.’ I still got a kick out of calling Nat my boyfriend. Saddo.
‘Well, if you’re sure …’ He seemed strangely concerned about my well-being. It was disconcerting. I paid the fare, told him to keep the change and got out of the taxi as quickly as possible.
‘You take care, y’hear?’ He leaned out of the open window and gave me a meaningful look.
‘Er … yeah … will do.’ Weirdo. He drove off and I stood in the rain. It was serious, proper rain – no messing. I looked up to the sky and let the water hit my face. It felt good. I didn’t think of the havoc it must be playing with my hair and make-up; I was totally focused on the fact that I’d never really noticed how brilliant rain was. Why were we always trying to shelter from it when it could make you feel so good? OK, I admit it, I was not entirely sober.
After a minute or two getting soaked to the skin, I turned my attention to the task at hand – Operation: Get Naked with Nat. The ‘closed’ sign was hanging on the back of the door, and the pub was mostly in darkness. I was worried I might be too late, but as I stepped closer to the window, I saw movement inside. I cupped my hands around my eyes so I could see better. And there he was, the object of my late-night lust. He was wiping down the pumps, ever the conscientious employee. But he was speaking to someone on his mobile at the same time – so maybe not that conscientious. I watched as he smiled that beautiful smile. God, he was hot.
He put the cloth down and leaned against the bar, clearly engrossed in his conversation. I was going to knock on the window, but something made me stop. I didn’t want to interrupt him. It didn’t seem right; I could wait. Plus, it was nice just watching him – seeing him be Nat. Maybe a slightly different Nat to the one I knew. It struck me that there would always be a part of him that didn’t (and shouldn’t) belong to me. It’s all too easy to think that the people you care about go into some kind of suspended animation when you’re not around. That they only truly come to life when they’re with you, and don’t really exist without you. I mean, you know that’s not true (you’re not stupid, after all), but that other part of their life is kind of irrelevant – to you at least. But watching Nat, I felt differently. He was a one hundred per cent real person, even without me. And that made me happy.
It was maybe five minutes later that he hung up. He looked at the phone for a moment or two, tossed it in the air and then slipped it into his back pocket. Still he stayed leaning against the bar, staring into space.
I knocked on the window.
He jumped, which made me laugh. Maybe he thought I was some drunk, ready to batter down the door to get a pint after last orders. Or maybe he was a bit of a wimp, scared to be alone in the pub on a dark and stormy night. Or maybe he was just daydreaming about me.
I squished my nose up against the glass as he came over to unlock the door.
‘Grace, what are you doing here?’
Huh. Not quite Grace-what-an-awesome-surprise-come-here-and-let-me-ravish-you-right-this-second.
‘I wanted to see you.’ I banged my elbow against the door frame as I passed it. Ouch.
‘You could have called to let me know you were coming.’ He kissed me. A fleeting, cursory sort of kiss.
‘What? Can’t a girl surprise her very brave and slightly dangerous boyfriend any more? What is the world coming to?’ I was more drunk than I’d thought.
‘You’re wasted, aren’t you?’ He turned away from me and started putting chairs up on the tables.
‘Maybe a leeeetle bit,’ I held my thumb and forefinger together to indicate just how little. ‘Sal and I needed to ease our way through our hangovers. How are you feeling anyway, after all the drama last night?’ I went to him and put my arms around his waist.
He shrugged. ‘It was nothing.’
‘I’d hardly call decking someone “nothing” … you know, it’s actually kind of sexy.’ I tried to look all seductive, but judging by the expression on Nat’s face I’d got it a bit wrong.
‘What are you on about? There’s nothing “sexy” about it. I shouldn’t have done it.’ He wouldn’t look at me.
‘Why did you, then? All that guy did was hit on Sal … not exactly the crime of the century, is it?’ Saying the words made me actually appreciate how strange a thing it had been for Nat to do.
‘She was upset.’ His voice was quiet and dark.
‘She overreacted, is what I think.’ Another realization. Something wasn’t quite right.
‘You don’t know what you’re …’ He stopped himself, then started again. ‘Look, Si’s a wanker of the highest order and I wouldn’t put anything past him. Can we just forget about the whole thing? Please?’
He put his arms around me and I nodded into his shoulder, but something really wasn’t right. We were two mismatched pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. He smelled of work and sweat. Sort of sour, actually.
I pulled away from him. ‘I should get going. I feel a bit sick.’
‘But you’ve only just got here …’ He leaned down and nuzzled at my neck. His breath was too hot.
‘It’s really late, and I’ve got school tomorrow.’ Again I pulled away.
Nat smirked.
‘Okaaaay, if you say so … but we’ve got the place to ourselves …’ He patted the bar. ‘What do you say? Ever done it on a bar before?’ He laughed and it sounded wrongwrongwrong in my ears.
‘No.’ And his smile disappeared. What’s wrong with me? Why don’t I want to?
‘What’s up with you? That’s why you came here, isn’t it? I know you, Grace. Come on … it’ll be fun.’ He pinned me up against the bar and kissed me hard. I relaxed into it, knowing that this was the one way to silence the voice that was whispering to me, telling me something was wrong. I did my best to ignore the voice: how could I trust it when I didn’t know who it belonged to? I was with Nat, and that was all that mattered. Wasn’t it?
Nat’s breathing was loud and urgent and his mouth tasted different to me. I was kissing a stranger. And the stranger was unbuttoning my jeans.
I pushed him off me. ‘No!’ The word came out louder than I’d intended. Nat was shocked, and I couldn’t blame him. This had never happened before.
I softened my voice and tried to pretend that I was still me and Nat was still Nat, and I was just tired and drunk and everything would be OK in the morning. ‘I’m sorry. I really have to go. I’m way too drunk for this.’
He said nothing for a moment, ego clearly bruised. Then he seemed to shrug it off in a heartbeat. ‘Fair enough. The bar’s still pretty skanky anyway … wouldn’t want you sticking to it, would we?’ He smiled and he wasn’t a stranger any more. ‘Let me call you a cab. My treat.’
We waited for the cab and he carried on clearing up as if nothing had happened. And we chatted as if nothing had happened. After all, nothing had happened. Had it?
I texted Nat when I got home: ‘Sorry about tonight. Love you. x’
Got a message straight back: ‘No worries. x’
I was in a pretty foul mood for the next couple of days. People at school seemed to sense it and mostly kept out of my way. Sal tried to find out what was up, but I wasn’t even sure, and I couldn’t even summon up the energy to talk about it.