by Karen Rock
“Is this about starting a new life together or keeping me safe?”
He buried his face in her hair and breathed deep. “Both.”
“Now that actually does scare me.”
He drew back. “You’re afraid to walk away from a high-stakes job, of not being ‘someone.’”
Air rushed from her. “Maybe.”
Definitely.
He gathered her close. “You’ll be Emma’s and Noah’s ‘someone’ and my everything.”
Her resistance crumbled and it seemed like her heart leaped from her chest into Daryl’s. That was how fully she gave it to him. Tears stung her eyes. She pressed a hand to his bearded cheek. “I want to.”
With a whoop, he swept her up and twirled her around before setting her back on her feet. “You’ll call Brenda and turn down the assignment? Ask her for one less dangerous?”
“Is that the only way we—” she gestured between them, backing away “—can work?”
The look on his face was desperate and he took a pleading step toward her, arms wide, palms out. “It’s not just about me. Emma, Noah... They’ve already lost one mother. I don’t want them suffering again.”
“You don’t think I can look after myself?”
“There’s no one I believe in more, but you can’t control every situation.”
“How about a compromise? You come with me if Joy’s strong enough to watch the kids. You’re a great photographer. And bodyguard... I saw your moves at the factory with those thugs.”
He reached out and grabbed her hand. “I’m committed to the ranch.”
“Not to me?” She swallowed down the old hurt, the memory of their last parting.
“To you, too.” He drew her hand to his lips and pressed a soft kiss into her palm. “Just not your riskier assignments. How about doing local stories, or less dangerous ones? You don’t have to be the most daring journalist in the world.”
Didn’t she, though?
She’d been raised to fly as high and as far as possible, and Daryl’s protectiveness could be suffocating in the future. She might end up hurting him again by leaving if he couldn’t come to grips with his issues about stability. Security. She loved him but didn’t want his fears to limit her career.
On the other hand, she might have been drawn to those assignments as an excuse not to get stuck in one place, going nowhere like her father. He’d sacrificed to guarantee she wouldn’t repeat his grim life. But this was her life, not his. Maybe she should give Daryl and life in Carbondale a chance.
“I—I—” She hesitated. She loved Daryl and Emma and Noah. Even smelly old Beuford... “I don’t know if I can give up all of what I do, who I am, for you.” Her throat tightened. “I’m an adventurer who seeks the unknown, truth, justice. Hazards come with it.”
“And knowing your day before it starts, your community and family comes with me, along with my heart if you’ll accept it.”
The rising moon spun in his dark eyes and she glimpsed their peaceful future together. She’d pushed him away once before and regretted it. Would she again? “It’s a lot to decide.”
“It’s up to you.” He lowered his face to hers and their lashes tangled. “It’s always up to you.”
“I wish it were that easy.”
“Then let me do some more persuading and give me your answer when you’re ready.”
“Yes,” she sighed just before his lips captured hers again in a toe-curling kiss. She enjoyed the persuading. The deciding, not so much.
* * *
“TOO TIGHT!” NOAH wriggled free of Cassidy’s hug and glanced over his shoulder at the approaching school bus the following morning. “And boys don’t hug.”
“Unless it’s your little teddy,” Emma guffawed, then flung her arms around Cassidy and squeezed. “Love you, Aunt Cassidy,” she whispered before tearing down the road to the bus stop.
“Beuford loves you, too.” Noah toed a circle in the dirt.
Cassidy raised a brow. “Just Beuford?”
“Me, too!” he blurted, then flung himself into her arms again, the judgmental classmates in the approaching bus forgotten. A lump rose in her throat as he clung to her. “Will you be here to pick us up?”
“I always am.”
His thin face relaxed. “Don’t forget the Flamin’ Cheetos!” he shouted, then followed his sister up into the bus.
The door swished closed and the vehicle rumbled off. She watched until the yellow bus disappeared, then climbed up into Daryl’s pickup and drove slowly back to the cabin. Her eyes stung. Her shoulders hunched. She’d barely slept last night as she’d mulled over her options, uncomfortable with another request from Daryl, one which would stifle aspects of her life’s work.
It was different this time, though, and there was more at stake. But was it enough to make her stay?
Starting up the country store helped her connect to this land and this large, loving extended family. The heart-melting pictures the children drew her, their growing happiness as they embarked on family excursions, their cooking catastrophes that ended in giggles and sticky messes added up to such joy. She loved them deeply.
As for Daryl, no one made her feel more cared for and accepted. His arms felt like home, his kisses the world. The love she felt for him was no longer the youthful spark of their college years, but something sturdier. Meant to last.
After drifting around the globe, she’d finally found where she belonged, the place she’d like to settle...yet if she stayed, would she eventually feel stifled? She didn’t want to put Daryl and the kids through more heartbreak. Whatever she decided, she’d need to commit to it.
Back in the cabin, she lifted the Crock-Pot lid and sniffed. She added more bay leaves to the simmering beef stew she’d begun before waking the kids for school. Before making breakfast alongside Daryl. Before a delicious goodbye kiss when the kids disappeared to dress.
Her daily routine.
One she could keep the rest of her life.
Leanne’s dream.
Guilt shaded her happiness as she delivered folded laundry to the master bedroom. Leanne should be here, and Cassidy should be in Delhi, Chad, Guatemala... Her sister’s flip phone caught her eye. Wanting some connection, she grabbed it and opened her sister’s email app again.
Clicking through folders, she stopped on “Drafts” and realized they’d never thought to check it. She glanced inside. The top saved note was addressed to her, dated several months before the accident.
Heart pounding, Cassidy opened the draft.
Dear Cassidy,
I’ve written this letter dozens of times and I can never get it right. There’s a lot I have to say, and it begins with I’m sorry, ends with I love you and has a lot of stuff in between that’s confusing and hard to express.
Growing up, I always felt inferior to my talented sister. Everything came easy to you, grades, friends, Pa’s love. I struggled in school and never could win Pa’s favor. The gifts he gave you, like the old camera, made me jealous. It wasn’t much, but we didn’t have much. What little he scraped together always went to you, even if it was just a smile after one of his sixteen-hour shifts.
You were special, and I was nobody. Since you introduced us, I’d had a secret crush on Daryl and I sought him out after you went overseas. When things went too far, I admit it, I felt glad. I was sure you’d never be happy tied down to a rancher, a life I wanted when all you’d ever talked about was getting away from the Rocky Mountains. Daryl’s family had more money and stability than ours. He was the secure future I needed and when you walked away from it, I thought I’d be doing you a favor by taking a man completely wrong for you.
I didn’t intend on getting pregnant, but it helped me marry Daryl. My wedding was the happiest moment of my life except that I couldn’t share it with you, my best friend, my moon sister. Remember all those nights we used to climb o
nto the roof and make a wish on our favorite moon? I thought I’d made mine come true, but I was wrong. Daryl doesn’t truly love me, no matter what he says. I hoped he’d come to love me, but his heart has always been yours, and I was dead wrong to get in between you.
I saw the hurt in your eyes when you returned from Bosnia. I knew I was wrong thinking you’d have been unhappy in Carbondale and Daryl would be better off with me... Yet the damage was done, and I was pregnant and married. I was too young and maybe too weak to stand up and undo the wrong I’d committed then. But not now.
In the end, I hurt everyone, myself included. Now I’m stuck in a loveless marriage, drinking a little too much, going out too often to escape my troubles, with not much going for me except my children and a business venture that will probably fail like my relationship. I want to prove I can provide a secure future for myself and my kids without depending on a man who was trapped into marrying me, but I’m not sure how.
I don’t know if you can forgive me, and I’m pretty sure I don’t deserve it, even if you do, but I want to tell you I’m sorry, in person. Could I join you overseas while I sort out next steps? The country store that I’m planning isn’t the distraction I’d hoped and Daryl’s hovering more than ever, sensing something is off. For the sake of the kids, he’ll fight to convince me to stay, and I’m not sure I’m strong enough to resist him when I need to for both our sakes.
Anyway, I probably won’t send this version either, but it eases the ache in my heart imagining I’d have the courage to email it. I don’t blame you if you ignore this, just like I’ve understood why you avoided talking to me all these years. I’m sorry, Cassidy. If I could do things differently, I would. But maybe it’s not too late for us?
I love you, moon sister.
Leanne
Cassidy stared at the blurred screen, her chest tight, her heart shattered. It was almost phenomenal in its strength, this pain that gripped her. Leanne must have decided to call her instead of sending the note. Cassidy swiped at her streaming tears and hung her head, shoulders shaking as she sobbed. She’d never known she’d made Leanne feel inferior and resentful. Her sister’s betrayal finally made sense.
She grabbed her coat, snatched up the car keys and raced outside, devastated and needing distance to think. With a white-knuckle grip, she drove silently, twisting around the mountain roads, up and over, down and around.
“Why, why, why?” she moaned aloud, her breath coming in jagged gasps. Her whole body jerked and shook as she cried. “Why did we lose each other?”
Heaviness built in her chest to an unbearable degree. A fog fuzzed her brain and spots appeared on the edge of her vision.
A horn blared, and she yanked the car back in her lane, heart beating out of her chest, narrowly missing an oncoming tractor-trailer. She slammed on the brakes. The momentum, however, sent her veering onto the shoulder and down into a shallow ditch. At last, the vehicle rocked to a stop. The engine hissed in the sudden quiet.
Voices rose, echoing in her ear.
Hers and her sister’s.
In an instant, Cassidy was back in the white Jeep, Leanne beside her, as she drove at breakneck speed down Avalanche Road to make her sister’s flight. She had a ticket to Tennessee, where she planned on staying with an old childhood friend.
“Don’t leave him, Leanne,” she heard herself say, tearing her eyes from the slick road wet with a heavy bout of rain. The wipers swished against the torrent of water streaming down her windshield. “It’s not too late.”
“It’s always been too late,” Leanne argued back. Red blotches covered her face. “Daryl and I were never meant to be. Leaving him, getting you here, is my chance to make it right.”
“You don’t need to do that. I told you, I forgive you.”
Leanne reached over and squeezed Cassidy’s hand on the wheel. “I don’t deserve it. Not yet. With me gone, you two can finally be together... It’s what you’ve always wanted, isn’t it?”
“No,” Cassidy had denied despite the gnawing suspicion her sister was right. “I want you to stay together. Think of the children.”
She put on her blinker, intending to take the next turnoff. She’d agreed to bring Leanne to the airport only as a stall tactic.
“I am thinking of them!” Leanne cried. “They’re unhappy seeing Daryl and me so miserable. Why do you think I leave half the time? I don’t want them to see us arguing. I’m going to give them a new life once I figure out my own. Please understand... Let me go...”
“No! You’re being selfish—like always.”
Leanne’s sharp intake of air snapped Cassidy’s attention back to the road. Entrenched in their argument, she failed to notice a sharp turn and cranked the wheel too late. Tires squealed. The SUV swerved. A bone-jarring crash, then black...
It cast Cassidy back to the present. She scrambled from her car, stumbled toward a tree and grabbed the trunk, embracing it, holding herself up and holding on at the same time. The cries that came out of her were loud and wrenching.
Her last words to Leanne were denying her the life she wanted...calling her selfish for wanting something else.
Worst, she’d driven recklessly. She’d caused the accident.
She’d killed her sister. In more ways than the final one.
“Cassidy?” A firm, gentle hand gripped her shoulder. “Are you okay?” Travis’s kind eyes peered from beneath his wide-brimmed sheriff’s hat.
“No.” She was nearly doubled over by the sudden crushing pain of memory, of loss.
“Are you injured?”
“I’m not the one who’s hurt,” she cried, thinking of Leanne.
“Is someone else in the vehicle with you?”
“No. Not anymore.” She felt as though she was going to collapse to the ground. Just lie there in the dirt long enough to perish, to be with her sister. No. To take her place.
Travis’s thick eyebrows drew together as he glanced from the empty vehicle to her. “I’ll get a towing company out here and call Daryl to get you.”
“Yes” filled her mouth, but she swallowed it back, tasting only the bitterness of her regret. How could she become a mother to the children she’d orphaned? A partner to the man she’d widowed?
Did she deserve the happiness she’d denied her sister, a sister who never got to feel special with Cassidy garnering all the attention? She’d blamed Leanne for her misery, never realizing her sister had been desperately unhappy, too.
Cassidy needed space. Time to think. One last assignment to help her deal with the guilt and give her time to forgive herself before she faced Leanne’s family. Could she live with her culpability in her sister’s death if she and Daryl reunited?
How would she tell the kids? Daryl? Would he even want her if he knew the truth? She couldn’t answer these questions with the weight on her shoulders. She had to leave Carbondale. Now.
“Cassidy?” prompted Travis.
“I killed Leanne,” she blurted in a watery hiccup. “We were arguing, and I wasn’t paying attention to the road. I didn’t see the turn until it was too late.” Another sob shuddered through her body. “Now it’s too late, and it’s my fault.”
“It was an accident.” Travis yanked off his jacket and draped it around her shaking shoulders.
“No. We were arguing. I was yelling at her...” Travis might call it an accident, but she didn’t see it that way.
“Hang in there, Cassidy.” Travis squeezed her shoulder. “It’ll all be okay. Let me call Daryl.”
“I need to talk to Joy.” She didn’t dare speak to Daryl or risk blurting out the horrible facts she struggled to process. The first time she left, she’d hurt Daryl; this time was worse. She’d taken her sister from her family. How could they want her now? They’d hate her when they learned everything.
Once she left Daryl a note, arranged for Joy to pick up the kids from th
e bus stop, she’d board the next flight to Mexico.
Her heart, however, would stay right here in Carbondale.
She had no need of it without Daryl or the children.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
DARYL RACED UP the steps to his cabin and flung open the door. Anticipation chased away the workday’s exhaustion. Had Cassidy made up her mind about them yet? She’d been affectionate this morning. Her stunning smile easy. Relaxed. And she’d hummed their favorite song, the one he’d once hoped they’d dance to at their wedding. He’d smiled for no reason all day and his cheeks ached along with his heart in happiness.
Beuford woofed as Daryl crossed the threshold. Otherwise the cabin lay quiet. Empty.
“Cassidy?” he called, striding through the living room and down the hall to the bedrooms, pulse picking up. “Emma? Noah?”
Silence answered him.
A note filled with familiar script rested on the counter. Cassidy’s handwriting. His blood turned to ice. The children.
Dear Daryl,
Emma and Noah are fine and with Boyd and Joy.
He released a breath and dropped onto a stool. The page trembled slightly in his grasp. Of course Cassidy knew his first worry would be his kids. No one knew him better. Was this a love note? The heaviness in his heart suggested otherwise.
I discovered an email we’d missed in Leanne’s drafts folder this morning. It’s open on her cell phone’s email app. Please read it before reading the rest of this note.
He blasted across the living room to the bedroom, note in hand. The dark cell phone screen lit when he tapped the space bar. An email, addressed to Cassidy, appeared. His gut clenched as he read Leanne’s apology, her regrets, her feelings of inadequacy growing up and her decision to move on from a marriage that reinforced her sense of not being good enough.
Queasiness roiled inside. She’d thought she’d gain the status she’d wanted by marrying him. Instead his love for another left her feeling second best. Daryl swore under his breath. Fury over his mistreatment of Leanne, his neglect, his ignorance of her needs, overtook him. He’d gone through the motions, had devoted himself to their family and made romantic gestures, but she’d seen the emptiness behind them and beyond, to a life without him, one he would have fought to prevent thinking the upheaval might harm the children.