Slowly We Trust

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  “But you lived with Will,” I said, turning my apple over in my hands, contemplating whether I wanted to eat it now or save it for later.

  “Yeah, but he was my brother. It’s a whole different thing when you’re having sex with the person you’re living with. For example, I don’t care if I fart or burp or do something like that in front of Will. In fact, I’m kind of proud of it. But if I do that in front of Zan? I die of embarrassment.”

  I understood the difference, definitely. Not that I’d ever lived with a guy I was seeing, but still.

  “Anyway, how about that Tyler guy in English? He’s pretty interesting,” she said. I wondered at the topic change, but when I looked at Lottie, she kept her face impassive.

  “Yeah. I wonder if he’ll be back the next class. He might drop it now that he’s seen that he’s the only guy. Or maybe he’s into it, being the only guy. Like a pimp.” That was kind of a disgusting thought.

  “Nah, I think he looked like a nice guy. But I really have to go. I have geology. Kill me now.” She mimed shooting herself in the head. “Do you want to have dinner tonight? I can pick you up at your dorm if you want.” Considering that if she didn’t, I’d end up eating alone, I was definitely going to take her up on her offer.

  Maybe that was part of my problem. I needed more friends. I was so involved with the circle of friends I had that I hadn’t bothered to make any more. Not that I’d ever been good at being friends. I’d had a few acquaintances in high school, but none that I’d grown close with. I’d actually just accepted the fact that I would never really have a close friend, but then I’d met Lottie and I’d changed my mind.

  Now I was looking at changing it again.

  But I wasn’t going to do anything rash. I was going to see how things worked out with Will and go from there.

  I arrived to English at the same time as Tyler the next time we had class and we both tried to walk through the door at the same time.

  “Sorry, ladies first,” he said, stepping back so I could go first.

  “Thanks,” I said, going and taking my seat next to Lottie, while he sat across the room.

  “Did I just see you chatting with Tyler?” Lottie said, blatantly staring at him.

  “We just came through the door at the same time, that’s all.”

  “Whoa, I wasn’t accusing you of something. Just asking,” Lottie said, turning her attention back to me. I hadn’t meant to snap at her.

  “I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. I don’t know why I said that.” I glanced once over at Tyler and then busied myself with my books as Mr. Halloway drifted into the room, his hair all swept by the wind. A few whispers broke out and I definitely heard a dreamy sigh. Couldn’t blame them for that.

  “Okay,” Lottie said, and I could tell she was watching me, but I didn’t want to draw any more attention to myself, so I ignored it and kept my focus on Mr. Halloway as he started talking. His voice was mesmerizing, so it wasn’t hard to do.

  “Crap, I forgot I have to run down to the financial aid office and pick something up for Will. See you for lunch?” Lottie said as Mr. Halloway let us go.

  “Sounds good.” I packed up at a more leisurely pace, and found myself leaving the room at the same time as Tyler again.

  “We have to stop running into each other like this,” he said with a laugh.

  “Yeah,” I said, because it seemed rude not to respond. He looked up at me and then started to walk away. Hadn’t I just told myself that I needed more friends outside of my inner circle?

  “Meet you here on Friday? Same time?” He turned around and nodded.

  “Where are you headed now?” he said as the rest of the class emptied out of the room.

  “Over to Murray.”

  “I’m going to Waldorf, you wanna walk together?” It seemed forward, but I didn’t want to seem rude so I nodded and fell into step with him. Being friends with Simon, Will and Zan had given me a height complex, since they were as tall, or taller than I was, so it was odd having to look down on Tyler.

  We were silent, and I could sense he was waiting for me to say something.

  “So what’s a guy like you doing in a women’s literature class?” He held the door for me as we left.

  “A guy can’t be interested in women’s literature? What would you say if I said a woman wouldn’t be interested in men’s literature? Sounds pretty stupid, if you ask me. Books are books, no matter who writes them.” I didn’t know what to say to that.

  “I guess it makes sense when you put it that way, but I don’t know many guys who would see it that way.”

  “That’s a damn shame. But those guys are probably assholes anyway.” Now it was my turn to laugh as we walked along the semi-frozen sidewalk. The main areas of campus had been de-iced, but the maintenance crew didn’t seem to think the little paths between buildings required much attention.

  “I’m guessing you’re an English major?” I said as he moved behind me on the narrow path.

  “Am I that transparent?”

  “You can try to guess my major if you want.” The path finally widened enough for two people and he was beside me again.

  “Hm, this could be interesting. Well, you don’t impress me as an English major. Maybe something in science?” I shook my head.

  “Business? Nope. Okay, maybe something in advertising?” I shook my head again.

  “Or you could be one of those unexpected people. Someone who majors in something that doesn’t fit their persona.”

  “And what is my persona?”

  We got to the entrance to Waldorf and we stopped walking.

  “Whoa, I’m not touching that. People always say they want to know what you think, but then you tell them and they get upset. I’m just saying that you can’t judge people just by looking at them.”

  “Very smooth.”

  “Thank you. I’m a smooth guy. Anyway, this is me. How about we leave this conversation for Friday?”

  “Sure.” He gave me a little wave and then dashed up the steps.

  Tyler ended up guessing my major on Friday, and we made an unspoken agreement to walk to our next class together. He also took the desk behind me in English, and I introduced him to Lottie. They bonded immediately, which didn’t surprise me. Lottie was one of those people it was hard not to like.

  “So what’s up with you and Tyler?” she said at lunch the following Wednesday.

  “What do you mean? We’re friends.” She took a bite of her sandwich and then put it down, chewing as if she was thinking about something.

  “Is there a situation in which you might be more than friends?” I’d been waiting for her to ask me this. In fact, I was surprised she’d held out this long from asking.

  “Lot,” I said, which made her look up from her sandwich.

  “What?”

  “Are you trying to set me up with him?” I pushed the rest of my lunch aside.

  “No, why would I do that?” Lottie was a terrible liar.

  “So you do want to set me up with him?”

  She rolled her eyes and sighed.

  “No. I just thought it might be good for you to go out with someone else. You know, play the field. And he’s a really nice guy, and he’s definitely into you. Plus, he doesn’t seem to care about the height difference, which shows he’s comfortable with himself. That’s really important.”

  This was the first time Lottie had mentioned anything like this, and I could tell there was more to it than she was saying, but I couldn’t figure out what angle she was trying to work.

  “I don’t want to date him. I broke up with Will, not because I didn’t want to date him, but because I didn’t want to date anyone. It’s just not for me right now.”

  “Oh,” she said, sitting back in her chair and reminding me a lot of her brother.

  “I told you that.” I had. Several times.

  “I guess.”

  “I can’t explain it, but that’s just the way it has to be. I’m fine by myself. In fact, be
fore I started hanging out with you, I didn’t really have any friends, so believe it or not, I’ve made progress.” That made her smile and pick up her sandwich again.

  “There’s hockey this weekend. Do you want to go? Will and the guys are all over it, but I’d rather not freeze my ass off alone, if I can help it.”

  “Sure.” It would mean seeing Will get all adorable and excited about the game, but I didn’t have anything else to do besides homework, and that sounded depressing.

  I didn’t used to care about spending so much time alone, but things had changed.

  “Awesome. We should go stock up on hand-warmers or something. And maybe we can sneak in coffee. The stuff they sell is crazy expensive.”

  We parted and she agreed to pick me up that night and take me over to dinner at her apartment. I felt odd eating at her place every night, but she refused to listen when I offered to buy groceries, or cook my own food, or help in any way. One of these days I was going to have to get her back.

  I was a little surprised that Lottie had managed to convince Aud to come to the hockey game on Saturday night, but I was even more surprised when she showed up with a strange guy, who turned out to be the one I’d seen her laughing with and had contemplated punching. Shitfuck.

  “Hey, everyone, this is Tyler. He’s in mine and Lottie’s English class,” she said and Tyler waved to the collective group. I nodded at him and put on a smile when Audrey said my name. Lottie had been standing next to me, but with the arrival of Tyler, she’d moved to stand next to Audrey. If this guy was in Lottie’s English class, then that meant she knew he existed before this moment, yet she had NEVER mentioned him.

  The feeling that had gone through me when I’d seen the two of them laughing roared to life again, and I pulled out my phone and texted Lottie.

  What the hell, Lot? Did you know he was coming?

  It took a minute for her to realize her phone was going off. She pulled it out of her pocket and I watched her eyes scan the glowing screen. As soon as she finished, she looked up and glared at me, but didn’t say a word. I saw her fingers flying as she typed a response.

  Yes. Are you jealous?

  She looked at me with one eyebrow raised. Everyone else was too busy looking to see if the line was moving at all to notice our interaction. Hockey was such a huge deal at Dirigo University that you had to get in line at least two hours before the game in order to get a seat. Waiting was all part of the fun. Not that I was currently having any fun, watching Audrey chat with Tyler.

  Tyler. Figured that would be his name.

  So what if I am? Am I not allowed to be jealous?

  I wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but Lottie was different. She knew I was jealous without having to ask and admitting it just shortened our conversation.

  Jealousy is a perfectly natural emotion. I say if you feel it, go with it.

  I gave her a questioning look after I read her text, but she just smiled and turned to talk to Audrey, thus ending the conversation.

  “You okay?” Simon said, putting the arm that wasn’t wrapped around Brady across my shoulders.

  “Just fine.”

  “Remember when Lottie had her safeword with Zan? Anytime you need to bail out of any situation, just scream ‘duckling!’ and I’ve got your back,” Simon said, squeezing my shoulder.

  “Me too,” Brady added, giving me a thumbs up.

  “Thanks, but I think I’m okay,” I said. I appreciated the sentiment, and I knew, given the reverse situation, I would do the same for Simon. That’s what best friends did.

  “Why are we doing this again?” Lottie whined, hugging her arms around herself. “What is the big deal about a bunch of dudes knocking a rock around with sticks as they move around on knives?”

  “Well, when you put it that way, it sounds really lame,” I said.

  “I’m just hoping they fight,” Stryker said, his chin on top of Katie’s head. She had her arms shoved into his jacket.

  “You know what they say, ‘I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out,’” I said.

  “Oh thank God,” Lottie said when the line started moving. We all shuffled into the hockey dome and climbed the endless stairs to get to the student section, waaaaayyyyy at the very top of the building. You’d think since students were the largest and most vocal of supporters we’d get better seats, yet we were relegated to a tiny section while the rich alumna had their own private boxes, many of which were empty.

  Just went to show you that with money came power.

  We all filed into our seats, second row from the very last. The general air of excitement finally broke through to me and I remembered that I loved hockey and we were playing our biggest rivals tonight. Being jealous of Audrey and Tyler (it gave me an internal shudder just thinking his name) had completely distracted me from the game. Jealousy was a nasty little thing.

  By the time the team took the ice, I wasn’t thinking about Audrey or What’s-His-Name, or anything else. The only thing on my mind was the sound of skates clapping against the ice and that the goalie was still recovering from a pulled hamstring. I was a mediocre hockey player, not good enough for the team, but that didn’t mean that I couldn’t imagine myself out on the ice, racing from one end to the other.

  I used to get out on the ice all the time when Lottie and I were kids. She’d strap on a pair of my old skates and we’d go down to the pond near our house and play pickup games.

  Why had we stopped doing that? I couldn’t remember the last time I’d put on a pair of skates. Hell, I didn’t even know where my skates were. Probably buried in the garage somewhere under boxes of books.

  I was fully immersed in the game and suddenly there was one of those moments when everything got quiet at once, and Audrey’s laughter cut through the silence. She sat four people away, but I’d hear her laugh anywhere.

  I allowed myself one glace at her during a time out. Just one.

  Her head was thrown back and she held onto Tyler’s arm while she laughed so hard she was gasping. Then Lottie’s glaring face invaded my vision and ruined my Audrey starefest.

  Cut it out, William. You’re almost in stalker territory.

  Seriously , she mouthed at me. I looked back at the ice where play had resumed. Only a moment later, the DU Moose scored and everyone rose in unison to cheer.

  I was a second behind everyone else and my cheering wasn’t as enthusiastic as it could have been.

  Hockey could only distract me for a few moments. Then the jealousy took over.

  I could feel Will watching me, even though I tried to ignore it.

  It had been Lottie’s idea to invite Tyler. She’d asked him during class so there was no way to prevent it from happening. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so friendly with him, but I didn’t have a reason not to be. There was no law that said I couldn’t be friends with both of them.

  We lost the game, but it didn’t matter much to me. I ended up having a great time, but it was colored darker by the jealousy radiating off Will. I’d thought we were getting past that, but maybe seeing me with Tyler made it come out again.

  I felt horrible about it. I didn’t want to hurt Will, which was one of the reasons I wished I could have just had the courage to end it in the first place.

  We decided to go warm up and get pizza after the game. I snagged Will’s arm, sending Lottie a covert signal to give me some privacy so she nabbed Tyler and started talking his ear off.

  “I need to talk to you,” I said, nudging him away so no one could hear us.

  “Okay,” he said, his face void of emotion. Very un-Will-like. He folded his arms, clenched his jaw and waited for me to say something. I didn’t need to ask him how he felt. His body language told me everything.

  “I thought we were starting over,” I said.

  He held his pissed off position for a few more seconds but then he crumbled.

  “We are.”

  “Then why have you been glaring daggers at Tyler the whole night? And why are you jealous o
f him at all? We’re just friends. Am I not allowed to be friends with boys now?” He took off his hat and buried his face in it and growled in frustration.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’ve been acting like a jealous boyfriend and I have no right to be. Not only because I’m not your boyfriend, but also because you weren’t even doing anything. I wish I could just . . . flick a switch and turn this off.”

  I never, ever should have started anything with him. I should have shut him down at the very beginning. I knew this was going to happen and now I was living my nightmare.

  “It’s just . . . going to take some time. I guess the starting over didn’t work out so well. Maybe we just need a break from each other. Some distance.” If anyone had to sacrifice, it was going to be me. If I had to not see my friends for a while, then that was what I’d have to do.

  “Distance?”

  “Yeah. Maybe if I’m not around, we’ll both be able to focus on new things or new people and then we can come back with clear heads. What do you think?”

  There was a part of me, a part I wished I could drown deep down inside me, that wanted him to say no. To grab me and kiss me and tell me that he wasn’t going to let me go, ever again. And then I’d kiss him back and we’d walk over to our friends and they would cheer and probably do something embarrassing as a collective. And it would be perfect until the time came to tell him what kind of girl I really was and then it would be over and I’d be left alone.

  Might as well cut him to the quick.

  “I . . . I’m going to go. Can you tell everyone that I wasn’t feeling well?” I started to walk away, but he stopped me.

  “Don’t walk away like this. Please, Audrey. I can see how much you’re hurting. I’m hurting too. And why? Can you honestly stand there and tell me that you don’t feel something for me? Can you do that?” He pulled me close so I didn’t have any choice but to look in his eyes, which were so much like his sister’s and had so much passion in them.