by Erika Kelly
“Not that I remember.”
“You don’t recall because she didn’t do anything. She just let you run wild and then told Mack to do something about it.” His eyes narrowed. “And then blamed you when things went wrong.”
Will’s blood slowed, as he processed every word Lachlan said. “Well, I was the instigator.”
“Yeah, that’s what she kept telling you. But it’s bull—” He shot a look to Ruby. “Crap.”
Will’s axis was tilting, and it mattered.
“Let me ask you this. If your dad had been retired at that point, what would have happened the night Brodie got hurt?”
Will didn’t have to think about it. “He’d have gone with us. It would have been his idea.”
“That’s right. Or you’d have asked him. You only snuck around because your mom wouldn’t let you do anything. Unless you played quietly with Legos or puzzles, she didn’t approve of anything you did. She made you feel like you betrayed her very soul when you brought home a grass stain. If you broke a plate, you had it out for her. That’s why your dad retired. Once she left, he knew he had to change the world for you boys.”
He did change my world.
Every word hit the target. Missing pieces locked into place, making the picture of his childhood form into something that made sense for the first time.
Lachlan got up and went to the window, gazing out onto a perfect July day in the Tetons. “By the look on your face, I’m getting you didn’t see any of this. Makes me wonder.”
“Wonder what?”
He faced Will. “Who you’d be if you quit trying to get your mom to see you as a good man.” His features softened along with his tone. “She’s not going to get there, Will.” He shook his head. “She’s never going to be the mom you want her to be.”
Chapter Fourteen
Laying on his back, staring up at a midnight ceiling, Will listened to the monitor.
Silence.
No rustle of sheets, no humming, nothing. Ruby had been quiet the last couple of nights, so did that mean she was sleeping? Probably, right? The therapist made her living off this kind of advice. She knew her stuff.
So, then, her technique had worked. He’d taught his sister to sleep through the night.
Turning onto his side, he punched the pillow to prop it up at just the right angle for sleep, but instead of feeling satisfaction at his victory, he felt uneasy.
What if she wasn’t asleep? What if she’d found a way to climb over the double gate he’d installed in her doorway?
He cringed at the thought of his sister trapped behind a wall of gates. Locked in her room like an animal in a zoo.
It sickened him. Forget it. First thing in the morning, he’d take them down. The therapist might be right about a lot of things, but the gates? Nope.
He drew up his knees. Sleep.
But all his senses were trained on the monitor, and the silence was edging him out. He couldn’t sleep until he set eyes on her. Pushing off the covers, he got out of bed.
As he stepped into his athletic shorts, he imagined what the stacked gates looked like from Ruby’s perspective. All alone in a room that hadn’t become hers yet, peering through the diamond-shaped spaces…trapped.
That’s how I’d feel. I’d freak the fuck out.
I’m taking them down right now. That made him feel better.
He had done some good things. Like…signing her up for preschool, so that she’d start making friends in the fall. And the nanny would come for a visit on Friday, the day after tomorrow. He hoped it worked out—but if it didn’t, he’d keep looking until he found the right person.
All good stuff.
Of course, she still wasn’t eating actual meals yet. But she was well-behaved. She didn’t throw tantrums. She was a good kid.
Which meant she was adjusting. Getting with the program. So, gates aside, he’d done all right by her.
Had he followed Delilah’s advice, Ruby would be wandering the hallways, climbing onto his bed whenever she felt like it. Baking cookies at midnight.
A small part of him liked the idea of her baking cookies with Delilah at midnight. But that’s messed up. How was that healthy for a two-year-old?
In the glowing diamond-shaped puddles of moonlight outside her room, he stopped and listened. Not a single sound. If she wasn’t there…no, come on. He had a monitor. He heard everything. Her silence meant she was fast asleep.
But he didn’t even hear murmuring. Shifting. Nothing, for Christ’s sake. Just dead silence.
Anxiety thrummed his nerves, as he leaned over the top gate and peered inside. She liked to sleep with her butt in the air—cute as hell. Squawk bunched under one arm.
So it took a moment to make sense of what he saw.
Because her face wasn’t on the mattress, and her butt wasn’t in the air. Ruby sat in the middle of the bed, not moving, eyes wide open. Watching him. She didn’t reach for him. She didn’t scramble to get to him.
Dread pierced his heart, leaking acid into his bloodstream.
Is she hurt?
What’s going on?
Pushing on the pressure bar, he removed first the upper, then the lower gate. He wanted to hurl them but instead set them neatly against the wall. She didn’t need any wild-ass drama.
Anxiety propelled him toward her. Where was that sparkle in her eyes, that joyful smile she always had when she saw him?
That she used to have. That he might have killed by constantly pushing her away. Just like Delilah said.
Pain ripped through him. What’ve I done?
He remembered the look of disgust in his mom’s eyes when he’d approach her. The way she’d recoil when he’d climb onto her lap. He would never forget those bony hands pushing him away.
He’d never forget the hurt—the ugly, bottomless pain—of rejection.
He felt the clutch of pain like a heart attack. Delilah was right. He’d done to Ruby what his mom had done to him. “Hey, sweetheart.” He’d hurt her. Hurt this perfect little girl who only wanted him to love her.
And it all came crashing over him when he reached for her, and she didn’t lift her arms.
“Wun wif you.”
Fucking hell. She sat alone in her room, wide awake, because she thought if she made a sound she wouldn’t get to run with him.
Because that’s what you made her do.
“Yes, Ruby, you’re going to run with me.” Scooping her off the bed, he brought her to the rocking chair. Her arms remained at her sides, and he missed her hand on the back of his neck. Missed her knees latching onto his ribcage.
He sat down, adjusting her so her chest rested on his. She didn’t nestle. Didn’t set her head on his shoulder.
“Wun wif you.”
“Yes. We’re running together. Every morning.” Shit, he shouldn’t make promises he couldn’t necessarily keep. Soon, Fin and Callie would be home, and they’d take over…oh, shut the fuck up. “Every day.” Enough about what might happen—give her what she needs right now.
Rubbing her back, he started rocking. Pain leeched into his bones, breaking them down. “I’m sorry, Ruby. I’m going to do better.” He touched her hair—so silky and soft—and then let his hand stroke down it. She shifted a little. “I’m trying. I’m trying so hard to do the right thing with you, but I’m not. I’m messing up.”
He’d tried to erect a wall, a barrier, so that she didn’t get too attached to him, and then he’d leave her. What would that do to her?
Bullshit.
You’re a fucking liar.
For the first time, he saw the truth. Clear as day.
He’d kept his distance because he was getting attached to her and, when he passed her off to Fin, it would hurt like hell.
Selfish prick.
A fierce sense of affection swept through him. He should’ve gone all-in. “I hope you can forgive me.” He hoped like hell he hadn’t ruined her—the way his mom had ruined him.
She lowered her head to his shou
lder, her breath warm against his skin.
“I’m sorry.” His voice, a whisper, shushed like the rocker on the furry throw rug. “I hope you’ll trust me again.”
And then that little hand patted his arm, like she was trying to soothe him.
Tears burned, and he held his breath. This kid. His heart squeezed with affection for her. “I’m going to do it right from now on, okay, Rubes? I’m going to take care of you.” All the way. Not just her physical needs. I’m going to show you how special you are.
Her head popped up and she looked at him with sleepy eyes. “Where momma?”
Oh, Jesus. That simple question yanked his heart out by the roots. He’d waited for it, knowing one day she’d ask. Dreaded it, frankly, not because he was afraid to answer but because he didn’t have a replacement. He couldn’t say that he’d be there for her, and she certainly couldn’t understand that all four of her brothers would do their best to be her guardians in the absence of actual parents.
But he did have an answer. He’d thought about it endlessly on his ten mile runs and had conferred with the therapist. “She’s not here, Ruby, but we can go to your house tomorrow.” And I’ll tell you what happened to her. “Would you like that?”
“See momma?”
“No, we can’t see her. But I’ll go with you to your house, and you can show me pictures of her. You can show me the toys you played with and your bedroom. Would you like that?”
She nodded. “Go wif Wheel.”
“Yes, Ruby. We’ll go together.”
Her eyelids fluttered closed, and she relaxed against his chest.
He’d been telling himself to hold back because he wasn’t her dad. Because his brothers would take over, and he needed her to get used to the way her life would be.
But Ruby needed someone now. She needed him.
He would give her everything. Starting right now.
Give it all to her.
He rubbed a circle on her back, and she nestled against him, her head on his shoulder, her body letting go, giving him all her weight. “Ruby?”
The way she nestled into him let him know she was listening.
“I love you.”
She let out a contented sigh.
On a quiet street in Hoback, Wyoming, Delilah stood on the lawn of Ruby’s home. A shutter hung crookedly off an upstairs window, paint peeled off the green shingles, and the overgrown lawn had small patches of brown.
“Momma.” Ruby curled her hand and slipped it out of Delilah’s. She toddled across the lawn so quickly she tripped and landed face-down in the grass.
Delilah scooped her up. “You okay, sweetie?” She brushed a few blades of grass off her chin. “We’re going to wait out here for Will, okay? Let’s give him one more second.” A neighbor had mentioned seeing a black bear hanging around the backyard but, also, Will wanted to do a quick scan to make sure nothing inside would upset Ruby.
Because he was sweet like that. Sigh.
“Lego, pease.” A rod of steel bolstered those polite words, as Ruby squirmed in her arms.
Delilah stroked the sweaty hair off the toddler’s forehead. “Hang on. In just a minute, he’s going to come right out that front door. Hey, should we pick some flowers?” Bright yellow dandelions sprung out of the grass, so Delilah tipped her over like a watering can. The little girl giggled, her plump little hand wrapping around a stem and yanking.
With great drama, she swept Ruby back up. She brought the flower to Delilah’s nose but, instead of sniffing it, Delilah plucked it out of her grip and brushed the petals all over the little girl’s face.
“Hey.” The sound of Ruby’s laughter made her heart swell. “Dat tickle.”
“You’re a cutie pie, Ruby-bean.”
She grabbed the stem and lifted it. “Give Momma fowers.”
Oh, Ruby. “You’re such a sweetheart.” And way too young to lose your mom. It made her heartsick to think Christy Leigh would never get moments like these with her daughter. She’d never get a fistful of wildflowers. She wouldn’t get to take her to her first day of kindergarten or console her after a breakup.
Ruby’d only had two years with her mom. Would she remember anything? Delilah didn’t have any memories before she was six, when she’d bit into a cracker and lost a tooth.
Maybe her mom had a particular fragrance that would linger in Ruby’s memory the rest of her life. Delilah would have to look around for those kinds of things—a piece of jewelry, perfume, a favorite sweater or blanket. A scarf. Evocative things.
With the hot sun burning the tops of their heads, the cool July breeze brought relief along with the scent of rich earth and clean mountain air. For the first time, instead of sorrow that she’d lost her mom, Delilah felt fiercely lucky to have had her for eighteen years. She’d gotten the soothing touch of her mom’s hand sifting through her hair, advice when she’d had trouble with a friend, and companionship during all those long nights when she couldn’t sleep.
Girls needed their moms so, so much.
Life just didn’t make sense sometimes.
Ruby glanced at the house. “Go now. See momma.” She rocked her hips, as if to get Delilah moving.
She didn’t know how much more she could take, knowing the truth this little girl was about to face when she got inside her empty home. “I wish I’d known your mom, because she made the most wonderful little girl in the world.” She swallowed past the hard knot in her throat. “Ruby, I swear, your momma loves you with all her heart.” The force of her emotion caused her to squeeze Ruby a little too hard. “She loves you.”
The front door creaked open, and they both looked over to find Will taking up the doorway with his big, strapping frame.
“Wheel!” She squirmed, and the moment Delilah set her down she took off like a bottle rocket. When she hit the porch stairs, she lifted her knee and hoisted herself onto the next step.
Will’s powerful arms lifted her easily, and the look in his eyes as he drew her to his chest made Delilah’s heart flip over. Something had changed in him. Overnight, he’d become easier with her. More open.
Ruby had captured that man’s heart in a way she suspected no one else ever had.
Her heart squeezed with longing. I want to capture his heart.
She really did. Now that a few days had passed, she had better perspective. She believed he had strong feelings for her—she wasn’t blind; she saw the way he looked at her. She also understood that distraction had serious repercussions for him. And, like it or not, she was a distraction.
Why would he take time away from training and his sister to play with her when she was leaving in a matter of weeks? No, she got it. She did. And, seriously, she admired him so much. Look how hard he was trying with Ruby. He was pushing past the only way of life he’d ever known to help her. And that…that was freaking powerful.
He was such a good man, and she just knew whoever he wound up with would be so damn lucky. He’s going to love someone so hard.
But it won’t be me.
Because I’ll be gone.
“You coming?” he called to her.
“Yes, of course.” Delilah forged ahead, but then stopped. “Unless…do you two want some time alone?” He might want a private conversation, just between brother and sister. “It’s so pretty here, I can take a walk.” She gestured toward the woods at the end of the street.
“Delilah.” That commanding voice held an element she hadn’t heard before. Vulnerability. “What do you say, Rubes? Do we want Wally with us?”
The little girl’s face lit up, and she flapped a hand. “Come, Wally.”
Happiness breezed through her, fluttering the curtains of every room in her heart. She kicked into gear, heading up the walkway and following the siblings inside.
The house had been sealed up for several weeks, making the air stale and the rooms…forlorn. A staircase divided the small downstairs into a dining room to her left and living room to her right. Not a single personal item—photos, toys, clothes�
��to be found. At the top of the stairs she could see a bathroom, a hand towel hanging carelessly off the rod, as if someone had quickly dried their hands before dashing off.
“Momma!” The moment they hit the foyer, Ruby twisted in Will’s arms so violently he nearly dropped her. He set her on the floor, and she took off toward the kitchen. “Momma?” The raw excitement—relief—made tears burn in Delilah’s eyes.
Poor Will. He looked utterly stricken. “Ruby.” He said it forcefully enough to get her attention, but the girl ignored him. “Your momma’s not here.” He went after her, but she ducked out of his reach and headed for the staircase.
“Momma, momma, momma.” She leaned forward in what had to be a routine of scrambling up the stairs with both hands, but Will latched an arm around her stomach and pulled her to his chest. “Ruby, stop. Listen to me, sweetheart. Your momma’s not home. She’s not here.”
“Here, Wheel. Momma here.” She scraped a pudgy hand across her face, shoving the hair aside to look at him. Her chest pumped hard, and her forehead creased in frustration. “Lego.”
“Not yet, okay? I want to talk to you.”
“No, Wheel. No.” Her cheeks bright red, Ruby looked wild-eyed. Perspiration gleamed on her forehead. She writhed in her brother’s arms. “Lego.”
“Hey, hey, listen to me.” Will’s hold tightened as he cupped his sister’s chin and forced her to look into her eyes. “It’s okay, Ruby. Everything’s going to be all right, I promise.”
Slowly, she stopped resisting.
He caressed the back of her head, holding her gaze. “I got you, sweetheart. I got you.”
Her chest stopped pumping so rapidly.
“We’re just going to sit down, and I’m going to talk to you, okay?” He gave her a soft, sweet smile. “You with me, Ruby-bean?”
Slowly, the wildness in her eyes settled.
“We’re going to be okay, Ruby. We really are.”
Delilah had never heard him use that voice. Gentle, but with an underlying confidence that would turn the harshest skeptic into a fervent believer. Soon, Ruby relaxed in his arms.