by T. L Smith
“I won’t rush you. We can do this at your pace.” Buck places his hands at his sides, showing me he won’t do anything I don’t want him to. I lean forward and press up on my toes, so my lips come into slight contact with his, my hands touching his chest. I feel the warmth and strength beneath him as I start to move my lips, his are soft against mine. He opens his mouth, still keeping his hands to himself, and kisses me back. It’s a nice kiss, one I enjoy, but it doesn’t do to me what kissing my soon-to-be ex-husband does to me. I try harder, pushing my body closer to his, so there’s no space between us, and deepen the kiss. Buck’s hands move, touching my hips, and I want him to hold me possessively, but he doesn’t, instead his hands are gentle and kind.
Pulling back, I sigh.
He hears it, I know he does because he shakes his head slightly, but I notice. “That was some kiss,” he says.
I offer him a small smile but it’s weak. It was a good kiss, but it wasn’t the kiss.
Deciding that’s not my answer, I go back again, this time reaching for his hands and wrapping them around my waist, pushing up on him as I make contact with his lips, and wrap my own hands around his shoulders holding him to me. We step back and I feel it when my back hits the bar. I pull away, climbing up, and he watches with interest. When I’m seated, I pull him back between my legs and take his lips again. He drags me forward so my ass is on the edge and my legs are wrapped around his waist. I feel him push forward while keeping our lips in contact. I tear at his shirt until he pulls it over his head, breaking our kiss, and I slide my fingers down his chest, taking in his taut muscles. He looks good. I knew he would, though. Buck smiles against my lips, deepening the kiss, and moves away until he starts biting my neck very softly but not enough to leave any kind of marks. It’s not enough.
I sigh but feel nothing. Dammit! I’m not even wet.
I push him back, so my feet hit the floor, and stand on my tippy toes. “You don’t have to be gentle with me, I won’t break.”
He gives me an odd expression then nods his head before he steps back into me. I pull my shirt off, showing him my breasts, and step back to him, while he kisses my lips softly again then works his way down. I lean back on the counter, my head lolling against one shoulder, and my chest rising for him to have me. I wait for the bite, the hard suck, but all I get is soft, gentle kisses of devotion.
That does absolutely nothing for me.
A tear leaves my eye and I want to cry.
Has Gunner broken me?
Has he made me only want what he can give?
Pushing Buck back, I step forward and kiss his lips again.
Nothing.
Nothing is happening.
Even if I find this man attractive, and even if I want what he can give me, this isn’t right for me. I want more than what he can give me.
“Rougher,” I say through sloppy kisses and grabby hands.
Buck doesn’t get it.
He presses into me more, but he simply doesn’t get what I need.
Tears leave my eyes and run down my cheeks when I realize what I’m doing and what this means.
What Gunner has made me.
I’m not this person.
I don’t want to be this person.
I do want the sweet kisses, affection, and the soft touches. I want what this man is doing to me right now, but I can’t appreciate them.
Buck pulls back, his hands going still on me as he looks down. “Did I hurt you?”
See, that? That is what I want. To be hurt. To be dominated.
I shake my head and reach for my shirt, pulling it back on.
“Are you okay?” he asks, his hand touching my shoulder, so I turn around away from him. “Was I too rough?”
I cry heavier again.
I want this—the way Buck treats a woman.
But I don’t.
What’s wrong with me?
“No,” I manage to say, swiping at my tears. “You’re…” I shake my head, “… perfect. It’s me, I’m broken.”
He sighs and reaches for his shirt, pulling it on in one swift movement. “Maybe it’s too soon for you,” he says in a calm, collected voice.
How nice is he? I cried while he tried to touch me, that isn’t normal.
“Maybe,” I reply, knowing that’s not the real reason. “Would you consider giving a crazy girl your number? I mean… if you want.” I shrug my shoulders, knowing he probably won’t want to have anything more to do with me. But he surprises me when he smiles and grabs a pen then my hand. I watch as he writes his number and then blows on it to make sure it dries and won’t smudge. When he looks back up at me, I’m smiling too.
“What’s that look for?”
I shrug again. “You’re a nice guy, aren’t you?”
“I try to be.”
“Thank you. And sorry. I didn’t mean for all that…” What? Cry and push you away, only to pull you back. Lord, my head is everywhere. Maybe it’s the alcohol or maybe it’s something else, who knows. “I shouldn’t be drinking, not this much anyway. Next time I’ll be sober,” I say, finishing off my words.
“That sounds like a plan.”
I turn to leave and just as I do May walks in with Ryan by her side. She sees the look on my face and instantly lets go of Ryan and rushes over to me.
“You okay?”
I nod. “I’m good. But I’m going to head off.” I lean in and kiss her cheek then start walking out.
She leaves Ryan and follows me outside, but she doesn’t talk again until the door shuts. “What happened in there?” she asks while standing and waiting with me.
“I kissed him. Well, I tried to…” I trail off as her eyebrows shoot up.
“Ohhh…”
“Yep, ‘tried to’ being the operative words.” I laugh dryly.
“You don’t like him?” she asks, wearing a puzzled expression.
I lean in closer. “I do. But I like it…” taking a deep breath, “… rougher.”
May grins. “I told you I like it rougher, too. A spank here and a choke there… they’re good for the soul,” she replies.
That’s not what I mean, but I honestly don’t know how to tell her differently.
“Maybe.” I turn to look for the cab I ordered.
“It might take a few goes, Ev. You loved Gunner, so it might take a few goes to move on and have your new normal.”
“I know, doesn’t make it any easier.”
She touches my arm softly. “Call me when you get home safely, okay? And maybe next time you attempt to fuck a guy, try not to do it drunk. We all know you’re a tad emotional when you drink.”
I agree with her with a simple nod. “Is he good? Ryan, I mean. Does he treat you well?” I ask, feeling like the shittiest friend ever for paying no attention to her new man.
“He does. He treats me really good.”
“I’m happy for you. I really am.” The cab driver pulls up. “Guess I need to go home and get divorced,” I joke about the papers on my floor, which I still haven’t signed.
“Let’s have a divorce party when you do.”
I only smile as I get in the car and drive away.
10
Everly
It takes me a good few days to sign the forms, and even longer to think about handing them in. They’re still sitting on my counter, but at least they’re signed. When I saw his signature on the final page, my heart almost beat out of my chest and I wondered why. Why would he decide this is the right move? I would have happily stayed married to him. It’s what he wanted, after all. Though, that would be a weird conversation I’d have to have with a future partner, trying to explain why I’m still married but no longer together.
Sighing, I sit on the floor in my kitchen. The ring on my finger that I love glistens in the light and shines back at me with some sense of loss. I haven’t been able to take it off, it simply doesn’t feel right. Not yet.
But then again, thinking about it, I guess there is no better time than now.
I slide it off, and it feels decisive.
Conclusive.
Irrefutable.
This is the final step.
I’m saying goodbye to someone who I haven’t had the chance to say goodbye to. I doubt I’ll ever see him again now.
Sighing, I stand and place the ring on the counter. It’s the only thing there, apart from the divorce papers. I know I need to hand them in soon.
Grabbing my cell and bag, I head straight to my parents’ house for our Sunday lunch.
Pulling up I notice Alec. I haven’t seen him for so long that when I turn to smile at him, he doesn’t give me one back. He says something in a hushed tone to my father as I walk up the stairs, and the minute I’m in front of them they both go quiet.
“Angel… Alec would like to stay for lunch. Would that be okay with you?”
I nod my head, unsure of why I’m being asked but reply with, “Of course. I haven’t seen you in so long.” I smile but Alec doesn’t return it. Instead, he walks inside, leaving me standing there with my father. “What did I do?”
My father’s hand lays on my shoulder, filling me with warmth. “It’s not you, angel. It’s who you love. He doesn’t understand how you could still be in love with Gunner.”
I look down at my hand, my finger now bare.
“It’s almost over. It doesn’t quite feel real yet, like it hasn’t sunk in,” I say as we start to walk inside.
My mother kisses both my cheeks before she goes back to the kitchen.
Alec’s already seated at the table with his hands clasped and resting on the surface of the wood while he looks everywhere but me.
Well, this isn’t weird at all.
“So, did Papa tell you I’m officially getting divorced?” I ask my mother. She smiles, but it’s a sad smile.
Alec’s back straightens and he turns to look at me. “He agreed to this?”
“I had nothing to do with it. It was all him,” I answer.
Alec turns away, lifting his drink and putting it to his lips.
Spinning around, I look back to my mother. “Sorry you went to all that trouble for the wedding. It was so lovely.”
She waves me off. “For you, I would do anything.”
“Could I speak to you privately?” Alec asks my father.
Alec stands and my father follows. They step out of the room, and as they both walk out, I can hear their rushed voices but can’t make out what they are saying. A short time later they reappear and take their seats at the table.
My mother hands me a glass of champagne.
“Alec has asked me something, and I’ve told him it’s up to you. No more will I meddle in your life.”
Turning to face Alec, his eyes check my ring hand before speaking. “I want you to marry me,” he says proudly.
I sigh. I thought giving him time would have helped him heal, not encourage him even more. “I can’t. I won’t.”
“Which is it, Everly?”
I drink the full glass of champagne, not stopping until I have drained every drop. I have to, I need the courage it’s going to give me to answer him. “Both.”
“I’m the better man for you. You know this. Your family loves me. It would be simple. Easy.” He tries hard to explain his position, but I don’t understand how he doesn’t get it.
I don’t see him in that way. I’ve never seen him in that way. And the last thing I want to do is to be cruel to him.
So, instead, I turn back to my food as it’s placed in front of me and start eating. I can feel his penetrating eyes on me, reaching in, trying to pull the words he wants from me. Waiting not so patiently for what he wants to hear.
That’s simply not going to happen.
“The café is doing well. I’ve hired a manager full-time instead of part-time,” I tell my father, who smiles in return.
“That’s good to hear, angel. So good. I am proud of you. That little business of yours will be going places.”
“I hope so,” I say, because I really do want it to succeed. “I’ve done—”
“So, that’s it?” Alec says, interrupting me. He turns to my father. “You promised me Everly’s hand in marriage. And now she’s free of him, I don’t get her?” He slams his fists on the table, making my mother yelp.
She stands and steps over to me and puts her hands on my shoulders. “Let’s go, love.”
I push my seat out and turn to a very pissed-off Alec. “I’m not some possession, Alec. I’m a woman who simply doesn’t love you, and never will, not in the way you want me to. This can’t happen. I have told you repeatedly. Move on.”
Walking out with my mother, I hear their raised voices as they talk and we head outside.
“He doesn’t mean to be rude about your situation. He simply doesn’t comprehend another man still has your heart.”
“I’ll never see him that way, Mother. Ever.”
“I know. But he needs to get that through his thick skull.” She laughs and it’s contagious.
“Have you seen him?” I ask.
She looks to the ground then back up to me, knowing exactly who I’m speaking about.
“Yes.”
My heart rate picks up, fast. “Where is he?”
She shakes her head. “You shouldn’t go after him, Everly. You wanted to leave. Don’t go back.”
Dammit! She’s right. I know this. I’ve gotten what I wanted, and now I don’t know what to do. I miss him. But the things he did to me, the way he went about doing them, was all wrong.
“Where is he, Mother?”
She drops her hand from my shoulder, quickly glances behind her and back, then leans down to whisper in my ear, “He’s still here. He has opened up a real estate company, not too far from your café.” She rattles off the address while I stand there looking at her.
“Thank you.”
“I don’t think this is a smart idea, Everly. You should stay away.”
“I know I should. But what I do and shouldn’t do isn’t up to me anymore.”
I head back inside, grab my bag, and rush to my car and start to drive.
I detour home, grab the ring and the divorce papers, before I make my way to where I now know Gunner’s located. Well, where I hope he is anyway. Pulling out the front, I step out of my car and notice the sign ‘Reid Real Estate.’ The building has a sophisticated appeal, with its black paintwork and large windows. The interior is painted white but with black accents, everything has that air of elegance and finesse. As I start up the steps and inside, the first thing I notice on the walls are pictures of beautiful homes, which are obviously listed for sale.
With the papers clutched in my hand, I observe a woman sitting behind a silver-fronted reception counter, who has a large smile on her face as she greets me.
“Can I help you?”
My hands start sweating as I hold the papers firmly in them. “Yes. Is Gunner Reid available?”
She eyes me up and down before she snaps an answer. “No.”
I hear his voice and my eyes travel to where it’s coming from, and I know he’s close. “Please, it’s urgent.”
“No. I’m sorry, he isn’t taking customers today,” she says without even looking up at me. The dismissal more than evident in her approach.
“Tell him his wife is here to see him,” I snap at her.
She stands fast, pushing her chair back as she does, with her eyes skirting everywhere but at me.
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know. He told me if you ever came by to send you straight in.”
I smile at the thought of him saying that. He knows me well. I didn’t even know I was planning on finding him, yet here I am.
She walks to the first office on the left and opens the door. The office area is large, decorated the same as the outside area, but has a large oak desk with a black chair pushed in behind it. In the open area in front of his desk is a two-seater sofa, which is black with silver accents obviously for his customers to sit on.
“T
ake a seat. He’s in a meeting right now, but I will let him know you’re here.”
I don’t thank her as she leaves, instead I walk over to the cabinet behind his desk. The top of it is clear except for one photograph of the day we were married. In the picture we’re dancing, and my face is hidden as it rests on his shoulder. His eyes are closed, and I can see the love he has for me as he holds me to him. Gunner’s strong arms gripping me, his mouth at the base of my neck breathing me in. I wonder then if he was contemplating all the terrible things he was about to do to me.
Picking the photograph up, I study it for a little longer than I should. I don’t have any images of our wedding day. That’s not to say I didn’t look at the album of photographs that were supplied, because I did, and they were all beautiful. I would have loved to have had one enlarged and framed for our wall in the bedroom. The problem is, it wasn’t the best day of my life. And honestly, I wanted nothing more to do with it after what happened.
“You were angry at me in that shot.”
I startle, almost dropping the picture frame to the floor at the sound of his deep voice.
His eyes quickly roam over me before he walks in farther, shutting the door behind him.
“I was,” I say, smiling. “You wanted me to stay away from Alec, and just before this you told me I couldn’t work at my café anymore.” I place the photo back and turn to face him fully.
Mistake. Complete and utter mistake. I should have kept looking at the picture because his beauty hits me hard. The way his cheekbones sit high and his curls are all pulled back away from his face.
Gunner Reid was crafted for a woman who’s not me. He was crafted by the gods. But he’s a fallen angel, perhaps even Lucifer himself.
“Well, you got your way…” he pauses. “Now why are you here, Everly?” He walks around and when he does, I can smell him, and that scent makes me want to wrap my arms around his body and get drunk on him all over again.
It’s what any normal woman would do. Right? No, wrong!
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask him while holding up the forms.
Gunner looks to them then back to me, his dark eyes solely focused on me. If I didn’t know better, I would start squirming on the spot with the way he’s staring at me. But I know his stares and his tells, and I know better than anything it’s him holding back on me.