by HELEN HARDT
I’m trembling. Actually trembling, as I turn around and pull my hair off my neck.
He clasps the necklace, his fingers warm against my shivering flesh. The piece is heavy and cool against me.
I turn toward him. “Well?”
He smiles. “Now I have.”
“Now you’ve what?”
He draws in a breath, his forehead wrinkling. Then he relaxes—as much as Dale can relax—and his lips nudge into a smile.
“Now…the woman I love has worn it.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
Dale
Those words took courage.
Every freaking ounce inside me.
I didn’t plan to say them. I didn’t plan to show Ashley my mother’s necklace.
But when she mentioned garnets, how could I not?
And now she knows.
Ashley knows I love her.
That she is the person I meant when I said I was in love once.
Still am in love.
She doesn’t speak. Her gorgeous blue eyes are wide, her pink lips parted. I want to kiss her senseless.
I lower my head—
“Dale.”
“Yes,” I say, my voice raspy.
“Are you telling me…?”
I sigh. “I didn’t intend to say it, Ashley. I didn’t intend for you to ever find out. But the necklace. Placing it around your beautiful neck. Then looking at you. You, wearing this creation of wine-colored gems… I had to tell you. Had to let you know that I love you.”
“I… Dale, I…” She pauses. “Please, tell me you’re not playing around. That’s not fair.”
I lower my eyelids slightly. “Do you really think I’d kid about something like this?”
“Then…when you said…”
“Yes, when I told you I’ve only been in love once, I was speaking of you.”
She clasps her hand to her mouth, and her eyes glisten.
“Tears?” I say. “Please, no tears.”
“They’re happy tears.” She melts into my arms.
I embrace her. Hold her as close as possible given our clothing.
And I hope I haven’t just made the biggest mistake of my life.
“I love you so much,” she says against my chest. “So much. I didn’t ever think it was possible to love someone the way I love you.”
I kiss the top of her head. “Me neither.”
She pulls back a little and fidgets with the clasp of the necklace. “Thank you for letting me try this on. It’s the most lovely thing I’ve ever had around my neck.”
I brush her fingers away from the clasp. “Keep it on. It’s yours.”
“No, I couldn’t.”
“Ashley, no matter where we go from here, whether this works or it doesn’t, that necklace was meant for you. No one else can possibly wear it.”
She fingers the garnet rope. “Are you sure?”
“I’m not sure of a lot of things,” I say, “but I’m sure that this necklace is meant for you.”
She parts her lips as if to say something.
“Don’t,” I say. “I still can’t promise anything beyond these two months.”
“But if you love me—”
I touch my fingers to her lips. “Ashley, sometimes love isn’t enough.”
“Love is always enough!”
I shake my head. “I’ve committed to the rest of your internship. That’s all I can do.”
“Dale…”
“Please, don’t push this.”
She drops her lips into an O. “Push. You can’t be pushed.”
“Can anyone? But that’s not what I mean. I want this. I want you. And yes, I love you. I tried not to, but you crept inside my heart. I never meant to tell you.”
“I don’t understand that. Love is something that should be shared.”
“I never thought love was in my future,” I say.
“Love is in everyone’s future, Dale. Everyone is worthy of love.”
Worthy? That’s not the issue, though I’m not sure how to describe to her exactly what the issue is. Not without baring more than I’m willing to.
“Two months, Ashley,” I say. “Two months. That’s all I can offer.”
She reaches behind her and unclasps the necklace. “Then I can’t accept this.” She hands it back to me.
“Yes, you can. I want you to have it.”
She shakes her head. “I’d give it more meaning than it has. You should keep it. You may”—she pauses, gulping—“find someone else you’d rather give it to.”
I won’t. No one else will ever wear this piece. It’s Ashley’s. It’s stunning on her, but that’s not the reason it’s hers and hers alone.
It’s hers because I’ll never love this way again. Not in this lifetime or any other.
The love I feel for her came quickly, like an arrow to my heart. Like a vise around my soul. It sneaked into me when I let my guard down for a millisecond.
I won’t let that guard down again.
“It’s yours,” I say simply.
“No.” She closes my hand around the garnets.
I place the necklace back into the velvet box. Whether she takes it into her possession or not, it’s hers.
It always will be.
“Maybe someday you can give it back to me,” she says. “If we choose to go beyond these two months.”
I simply nod. Is there harm in letting her think there’s a chance? Perhaps there is, but I can’t help myself. I want to please her. Her happiness means more to me than anything.
Even my own.
Oddly, I’m not being altruistic. Happiness has never been in the cards for me, and I accepted that long ago.
If it were, though, Ashley’s happiness would trump my own. Absolutely. I know this without question.
Which means I’m truly in love.
God help both of us.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Ashley
Giving the necklace back to Dale was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I don’t say that lightly, as I’ve gone to bed hungry and cold more often than I prefer to think about.
I remember those times as if they were yesterday. Such is the life of a synesthete. We’re stuck recalling even the most horrid points in our past because of the overwhelming sensory detail of each one. Senses make memories, and since my senses overlap, I remember almost everything.
So yeah, I recall with every sense I have those horrid times during my youth.
And still, I can say with utmost certainty that giving that necklace back to Dale was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
I don’t even have to consider the reason. It’s love, of course. The love I feel for Dale is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, and if it ends, I’ll break inside.
The necklace, though beautiful, would be a reminder of the love I’ll carry forever for a man who couldn’t ultimately commit to me.
That’s why I can’t keep it. Not now. Perhaps not ever.
I’ll hold out a glimmer of hope, though.
He loves me. He truly loves me, for he wouldn’t lie to me.
Maybe, just maybe, he’ll want to commit after these next two months are over.
Over. God. That word. It slides into my heart like a greased blade.
Dale places the velvet case back in his top drawer, and then he turns to me, his eyes unreadable. “The necklace is yours, Ashley, no matter what.”
I open my mouth to speak, but he gestures me to stay silent.
“Whether you and I are together now or in the future, the necklace is yours. I feel it deeply in my bones. It’s meant for you. No one could look as dazzling in it as you do. My mother certainly couldn’t have.”
“Your mother must have been beautiful,” I say.
“She was, in her way.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I don’t really remember much about her physical attributes. I told you once that Aunt Mel had me draw a picture of her, which helped a little
, despite my nontalent for drawing. She had brown hair and brown eyes.”
“She must have been beautiful,” I say. “Look at you and Donny.”
“She didn’t have green eyes,” he says, his voice monotone.
“Green eyes are a recessive trait,” I tell him. “A brown-eyed person can produce a green-eyed child.”
“You took genetics?”
“No. Anatomy, to fulfill a general science requirement in undergrad. But I figured that was common knowledge.”
“Is it?”
“You didn’t know?”
“I knew. My father told me long ago, when we were still kids. Still, I always assumed the green eyes had come from my birth father. You know, since Donny and I both have them and our mother didn’t.”
“Oh.” He knows his birth father’s eye color because he met him recently. Jade told me, and I can’t break her confidence. “Well, you never know.”
“I suppose not.” He stares at the open door of his bedroom that leads back out to the hallway. His voice, still wine-red, sounds wistful, like a breeze is carrying the vivid color away from him.
Away from us.
Crap. This is my fault. Dale opened up to me. Admitted his love for me. Gave me a beautiful gift that I shoved back in his face.
I’m totally screwing up.
I touch his forearm. “Hey. Dessert?” I attempt a smile.
“Sure.”
We walk together back to the kitchen. Dale opens the door to the deck, and a panting Penny enters. I give her some well-deserved ear rubs.
Dale serves up the ice cream. “Want to eat it outside?”
“Sure.”
He grabs a cup of coffee for himself and a glass of water for me. I take the dishes of ice cream and follow him outside, Penny at my heels.
A small table awaits us. I set the dishes down as Dale holds out a chair for me.
“Thank you,” I murmur.
The mood is…different. I’ve majorly fucked up, and I know it.
This man—this man who I love more than life itself—said those coveted words to me. I love you. He said them. Said what I feared I’d never hear from his firm lips. Then he gave me a beautiful gift.
Which I refused.
I’ve made a train wreck out of what could have been a perfect evening.
I swirl my spoon around the edge of my bowl, capturing a bit of the ice cream. I bring it to my mouth.
Vanilla and brown sugar creaminess explodes across my tongue. No color or sound. Just the flavor. No surprise. My senses go on hiatus sometimes if I’m upset.
And I’m definitely upset.
Not with Dale. He’s just being Dale.
I’m upset with myself.
Dale doesn’t eat. Just lets the ice cream begin to melt in his bowl.
I raise my eyebrows at him. “It’s delicious.”
“Aunt Marj never misses.”
“Does she make a lot of ice cream?”
“During the summer. This is her last batch for a while.”
I nod. “Aren’t you going to eat?”
“Maybe. I don’t have much of an appetite.”
I smile halfheartedly. “You did eat two helpings of linguine.”
He scoffs softly. “That has nothing to do with it.”
“Dale…” I reach forward and grab his hand. “I’m sorry about the necklace. I just…”
“I’m not upset about the necklace, Ashley.”
Did you mean it? When you said you loved me, did you mean it?
I say this inside my head, knowing if I let the words blare out I’ll ruin everything.
Dale wouldn’t say something he didn’t mean. I need to accept this man for who he is and not push him.
The warmth of his love has turned to chills, and not from the ice cream.
“Then what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Nothing is wrong.”
More chills. I swallow the ice cream in my mouth and then stand. “I should go.”
He lifts one eyebrow. “So that’s how it’s going to be, then?”
Penny paws at me, and I pet her soft head.
What am I supposed to say now? Don’t push, Jade told me. But what else am I supposed to do?
Then I realize the answer is within me, and I just made a fatal error.
I’m ready to run off just because I’m confused.
I can’t help a soft chuckle. I’ve been confused since I met Dale Steel. Did I really think that would change once he said he loves me?
“What’s funny?” he asks.
“I am,” I reply truthfully. “I’m funny, because I just did the one thing that makes sense in this situation, except that it doesn’t, because you’re not like anyone else I’ve ever met.”
“Care to elaborate?”
“Sure, since you’ve admitted to me on more than one occasion that you don’t have much experience with relationships.”
“That’s not true.”
I lift my eyebrows.
“I have no experience with relationships,” he says.
I laugh. Seriously just laugh aloud.
“Now what’s funny?” he asks, clearly not amused.
“No. You’re just…you. You’re so fine tuned to the last detail. You don’t like subjective words like lusty or exuberant when you taste wine. Fine. I get it. You have no experience in relationships. I shouldn’t have said you don’t have much.”
“No, you shouldn’t say something that isn’t accurate. I have no experience, Ashley. Nada. Now get on with what you want to say.”
My God, this man will be the death of me. Please let it be a good death. “I want to say that I’m sorry. I don’t want to leave, and I shouldn’t have said I’d go.” I inhale, exhale slowly. “I’m not going anywhere, Dale. If you want me to leave, you’re going to have to literally carry me out of here.”
He stands, closes the gap between us.
Then he lifts me in his arms.
And my heart crumbles.
I should really be more careful what I say to this man.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Dale
Ashley is light as a feather in my arms.
I know what she’s thinking. She expects me to carry her back to the main house. It would serve her right for her attempt to manipulate me by telling me she was going to leave, but I don’t want her to leave.
So I carry her…
I carry her to…my bedroom.
I set her on the bed—not gently. She stares at me with wide blue eyes.
“Surprised?” I ask.
“A little, yeah.”
“I don’t respond well to manipulation.”
“But I wasn’t—”
“I’m not saying you were consciously trying to manipulate me.”
“Good, because—”
“For God’s sake!” I rake my fingers through my hair. “Listen. Just listen.”
She nods, her pretty pink lips trembling.
“I didn’t mean to tell you how I feel,” I say, pacing. “I meant to take those words to the grave.”
She opens her mouth, but I dart arrows at her with my eyes. She presses her lips together abruptly.
“I’m going to finish this, Ashley, if it kills me.” And it just may. “I’m not sure when I fell in love, but I swear to God, I feel like there was never a moment of my life when I didn’t love you. That makes no sense, of course, since we just met, but it’s my feeling. You’re going to ask why I wouldn’t tell you. The only answer I can give you is that you deserve better than me. And don’t tell me I’m the best there is. I get that you think that, but it’s just not true. You’re looking through your infatuated glasses. Rose-colored glasses. Syrah-colored glasses, or whatever you want to call it. It’s so fucking far from true.”
I want to say more.
I want to tell her about the demons that live inside me, eating my flesh from the inside out.
I want to tell her how as a young boy I was used and abused, saw things no child—hell,
no adult—should ever see. Heard things no one should have heard. How there were times the stench of my own waste made my eyes water, how the cries of my brother made me ache inside as if I were being punched in the stomach again and again with no end in sight.
I want to open up to her, let her see the real me.
I won’t.
I’ve already decided I won’t, because if I do, all hell will be unleashed. I’ll succumb to the chaos inside me, and then I won’t be able to control anything anymore.
But a new reason has dawned. I won’t open up, because if I do, Ashley will run away screaming.
She’ll no longer love me.
And I can’t bear that.
I promised her two months.
I’ll give her two months.
“Take off your clothes,” I say through clenched teeth.
“Dale…”
“Did I tell you to speak?” My voice is darker and more commanding than I mean it to be.
Does she see the red color? Or has it turned black?
I feel black at the moment. Even Ashley, who’s a shining light for me, doesn’t penetrate the dark opacity. I’m going to have her, and it’s not going to be nice.
Or soft.
Or gentle.
Her blue eyes are wide, those dark-brown lashes forming a semicircle on their upper halves.
God, such beauty. Sparkling eyes, full pink lips, rosy cheeks. And a dusty blush over her chest.
She trembles as she fumbles with her T-shirt at the waist.
“I’m waiting,” I say with a growl.
She lifts the shirt over her head, revealing a white lacy bra.
I hold back a gasp and adjust my groin. I’m already hard and aching.
I’m angry. Not at Ashley, but at myself, for thinking I could do this. The darkness drapes over me like a phantom’s cloak.
I’m all in now, and it’s going to happen. I’m giving her two months if it kills me.
“Take off your bra,” I say, raking her over with my hungry gaze.
She complies, more slowly than I’d prefer, but the white lace ends up on the floor where she tosses it.
“Your jeans now.”
She tugs off her sandals first and then unbuttons her jeans. Slowly again.
“Faster,” I say on a low growl.