“Oh, that’s stupid,” was all I could say to that. I’d kept my job at Romano’s for that very reason. It was also a great place to work, but I didn’t need the money, and I’d hoped the oven would bring me back to Tarth one day. Now that I knew the oven wasn’t part of the magic of the portal, I felt like a fool. I’d lain in there on more than one drunken occasion, waiting to be whisked away again.
“You going to give me some clothes, or are you going to join the party?” I asked.
“Tempting,” she said thoughtfully, but then she waved an arm, and in the next moment I was wearing boots, brown pants, and a loose fitting shirt. Another wave of her hand, and a suit of armor appeared over the clothes.
“Oh goody, I’ve been brought here for another bloody quest.”
“You are a champion.”
“Huh.” My pizza shovel was on the ground. Apparently Celesta had pulled that through the portal too. I picked it up and gave it a twirl. “Where’s Eva and Scarlett? Where’s Doughboy?”
“Princess Evangeline is now Sister Evangeline, first Priestess of Celesta.” She pointed at the distant tower. “She is in that tower. It was she who prayed for me to bring you back.”
“Sister Evangeline? You mean she didn’t marry Lord Berdink?”
“After you left, she called off the wedding and swore herself to me. Through her I shall pass my teachings to the world.”
“What happened?” I asked. “Why did she pray for you to summon me back?”
“Scarlett Black has gone missing,” she said gravely.
“Missing? Who took her?”
“I do not know. Believe me, Jake, I have tried, but I cannot see her. She is alive, but there is powerful magic surrounding her. Only Doughboy knows what happened.”
“Is he all right? Where is he?” I asked urgently.
“With my help and Evangeline’s devotion, he has recovered, and he is very excited to see you.”
The goddess smiled and looked over my shoulder. I turned to see my favorite little lump of dough racing toward me.
“Sweeeet!” said the little face-eater as he leaped into my arms.
“Doughboy!” I hugged him until his big eyes bulged like a surprised Smeagol. “What happened, little buddy? Where’s Scarlett?”
Doughboy dropped to the ground and shivered, then pointed east. “Not sweeeet.”
“I need more than that, bro. What happened? Where is Scarlett?”
Doughboy walked in circles, farting nervously. He rambled on in gibberish that neither the goddess nor I understood—at least she didn’t let on that she understood.
“I need to speak with Eva,” I said, glancing at the distant tower.
“Sister Evangeline cannot speak with you right now. She is in the middle of a ten-day silent meditation and wishes not to be disturbed.”
“Say what? Fuck that, she’s definitely going to want to talk to me. It’s been months since we last saw each other.”
“I am sorry, Jake, but those are her words, not mine.”
“I don’t believe it.”
“Go and see for yourself if you must, but do not dally. I fear that Scarlett does not have much time. I have done my part. Now I will leave you two to solve the mystery surrounding the disappearance of Scarlett Black.”
She did some wavy hand-shimmering light shit, and I grabbed her arm.
“Wait a damned minute. What am I up against here? You must know something! There must be something you can do to help!”
“I told you, I cannot see what happened to Scarlett. I have asked the birds and the bees, the trees, even the one-eyed crow, but no one knows. A dark fog of magic surrounds the events of her disappearance, but Doughboy was there. He can lead you to her.”
“Not sweeeet,” the little guy lamented.
“I’m going to need a little more help than that. I’m not some errand boy you can summon and use as cannon fodder whenever there’s a problem.”
The goddess regarded me thoughtfully, then opened her hand. An amulet glowed on her palm. I took it reverently and put it around my neck.
“That shall keep you safe from most forms of magic, but do not test its power with stupidity.”
“And what if I want to go back to Earth?” I asked. I didn’t want to; I wanted to speak with Eva and then find Scarlett, but I wanted to know what my options were. “I’ve been brought here against my will, and I—”
She raised a hand. “You have prayed to me on more than one occasion to summon you back,” she said with a sly grin. “Do not play games with me.”
“You heard my prayers?”
“Every drunken slur.” She turned away and began to disappear. “Good luck, Jake. After you have rescued Scarlett, I shall send you home. In the meantime, try not to get yourself killed.”
I glanced at my monster-face-eating little buddy and shrugged. “I guess you’re my only hope, Doughboy-Wan Kenobi.”
He cocked his head like a curious dog.
“I need you to try and remember what happened to Scarlett.”
He shivered. “Not sweeeet.”
“I know, and you’re scared, but she needs our help. She’s out there somewhere, cold and tired and hungry, probably being held captive by some asshole.”
He let out a big sigh and nodded resignedly. He gibbered again and acted out what happened. From what I could glean, he and Scarlett had been walking through the woods when a big demonic form appeared.
“Is that what took Scarlett?”
He nodded, then continued his charades. It looked like he’d tried to stop the creature, but the thing had hit him with a spell that almost killed him. I watched with an aching heart as Doughboy acted out crawling away from the battle, hitching a ride on a large bird, and finally reaching the princess.
“And that’s when they healed you.”
He nodded.
“Can you find that place again?”
He jumped up and down and pointed east.
“It happened in the Badlands?”
“Sweeeet.”
“Shit.”
I thought about returning to that monster-infested land, then glanced west at the tower. Celesta had said the princess didn’t want to talk to me, which I thought was weird. I sure as hell wasn’t going to leave it at that.
“Come on, little dude. Let’s visit the princess.”
Doughboy climbed up on my shoulder and gave a contented coo, and I started toward the tower.
As we drew closer, I saw the rooftops of buildings behind the wall. It looked like a little village, and I wondered why in the hell Eva had decided to spend her days out here in the middle of nowhere. I had a hundred questions for her, and the closer I got to our destination, the more anticipation I felt. It had been nearly three months since I’d seen her, and I felt the need for closure.
The wall was at least ten feet high, and guards stood on the ramparts, eyeing me closely while cradling crossbows. I gave them a respectful nod, but it was not returned.
The gate slowly creaked open, and through it walked a bald man in light blue robes. He smiled at me and spread his arms in greeting. The sun caught something sparkly hanging from the tassels at the ends of his big sleeves.
“Back so soon, little one?” he said to Doughboy. His voice was that of a skilled orator, deep and powerful.
“Sweeeet,” the little wad replied in the affirmative.
“Greetings,” I said with a respectful nod.
He stopped a few feet beyond the gate. “I am Father Aerron. Welcome to the First Temple of Celesta.”
“Thank you, Father. I am Jake Baker. You may have heard of me.”
He waited with a polite smile.
“You know, Jake Baker, Champion of Celesta, Sir Jake the Goblin Slayer. Any of that ring a bell?”
“Ring a bell?” he said, confused.
“Never mind. I’m here to see Eva.”
“I assume you mean sister Evangeline,” he said curtly.
“Yes.” I glanced up at the tower window
s but didn’t see anyone. “Is she in?”
“She is, but she recently began a ten-day silent meditation and cannot be disturbed. Might I take a message?”
“Please tell her I’m here,” I said as patiently as I could. “Trust me, she’s going to want to see me.”
His affable smile only grew. “As I said, she cannot be disturbed at this time.”
“It’s a silent retreat, right? So slip her a note or something. The princess is going to want to know I’m here.”
“She must not be disturbed.”
“Listen, friend. This is the Temple of Celesta, right? The goddess herself summoned me here from another planet on the princess’s orders, so save us both some time and go tell her I’m here.”
“She is quite aware that you have arrived.”
“You know what? Fuck this.” I pushed past him and marched through the gates. No sooner had I crossed the threshold than four guards blocked my way.
“Halt!” the tallest one commanded. “And call off your demon.” He pointed at Doughboy.
I laughed. “He’s not a demon, he’s a Doughboy, and he likes to eat faces. Wanna see?”
To underscore the threat, Doughboy growled.
I faced off with the steely-eyed guard, neither of us budging.
“Please, please, this is hallowed ground.” The father rushed to get between us. “There will be no blood shed here.”
“Not if these fucks move out of my way, there won’t. One way or another, I’m going to speak with Eva.”
I looked at the tower once more and thought I saw a curvy outline in the highest window. It was nothing more than a silhouette, but I could have sworn the princess was watching the ordeal. Why wasn’t she coming down? Why didn’t she want to see me? The whole “silent retreat” story sounded like a crock of shit, and I wondered if she was being held against her will.
I cupped my hands and yelled, “Eva! Are you okay?”
“She cannot answer you!” The father was getting a little angry himself, but I didn’t care.
“If you don’t let me see her in the next ten seconds, I swear to god I’ll—”
The door to the tower opened, and my heart thudded when a woman emerged, but I knew right away it wasn’t Eva. This woman wore a light pink dress, a thick leather belt, and a white blouse tied tight in front. Her beauty was revealed as she drew closer, and the way she moved suggested noble grace. Brown ringlets bounced when she moved, and bright blue eyes locked on mine.
“Hello, Sir Jake. I am Hannah, Sister Evangeline’s handmaiden.” She bowed, and the soldiers backed up a step.
“You must be here to lead me to her.”
“Unfortunately, no. The priestess sends her regards and wishes you luck on your quest. As you have most likely been informed, she is in silent prayer and cannot be disturbed.”
“I don’t buy it,” I said, eyes on the tower window where the princess still stood. “I know she would want to speak with me.”
“She does want to speak with you, but that will have to wait until you get back.”
“I’m not going anywhere until I know she’s safe. This is fishy, if you ask me.”
“You were brought here by Celesta, correct?” Hannah asked.
“Yeah.”
“And did she say anything about the princess being in trouble?”
“No.”
“There you have it.” She smiled and glanced at Doughboy. “Ask your friend if you do not believe me, for he has been with us for a week, and he was in the priestess’s company only this morning.”
I looked at Doughboy. “How ’bout it, D?”
He nodded.
“You’re sure the princess is all right?”
“Sweeeet!” he said annoyingly.
Hannah regarded the father. “The priestess wishes Sir Jake to be given whatever he needs, including horses, to aid him on his long and perilous journey.”
“Of course,” he said with a bow. “What do you require, my son?”
“A good horse, rations that will last me at least a week, a few water pouches, and some wine or ale, if you’ve got it.” I gestured at the guards. “A few soldiers wouldn’t hurt either.”
“We guard the princess,” said the tall one. “We are not part of the temple’s resources.
What crawled up his ass? “What’s your problem, man? Hannah just told you what the princess said.”
“My problem, Baker, is that you no longer hold favor with the king.”
“That is quite enough, Sir Arthum,” said Hannah, and I wondered if the princess’s handmaiden outranked him.
“What’s he talking about?”
“I shall explain everything to you on the road.” She straightened and tried to hide her excitement. “The princess wishes me to accompany you.”
“Sweeeet!” Doughboy jumped forward and hugged her leg.
Hannah giggled indulgently.
“Listen, sweetheart, the Badlands are no place for a handmaiden. I don’t know what Eva’s thinking, but you can’t come with me.”
“She told me you would say that.”
“Did she?”
“She did indeed, but I assure you that I must accompany you, whether you like it or not. I have vowed to follow my princess’s orders to the letter, no matter the nature of them.”
“It’s going to be hard enough getting through the Badlands again without having to worry about you.”
I suspected Eva’s motives were to keep an eye on me. The last thing I needed was a spy breathing down my neck.
Before I could say more, a stable boy trotted over leading two horses packed with gear.
Hannah took the reins and offered me the larger of them, a beautiful black stallion. She stroked her white gelding before mounting. “Shall we?”
I wasn’t going to change her mind, so I let it go. I could lose her somewhere along the way, well before getting to the Monster Bane Mountains.
“Before we head to the Badlands, I want to see my manor.”
She frowned, and one of the soldiers snickered. Father Aerron made what I guessed to be a holy gesture.
“What the hell’s so funny?” I eyed everyone with annoyance.
“Farewell, Father, May the goddess watch over you.” Hanna sketched a bow from the back of her horse.
“And you, my child.” Father Aerron put a hand on my shoulder and bowed his head.
Hannah and the soldiers bowed their heads and closed their eyes in prayer. I did the same.
“Celesta, Goddess of Virtue, Daughter of Thodin, watch over Sir Jake and guide him on his long and perilous journey. Protect him from the foul creatures beyond the mountains. As Thodin’s Eye is my witness, I ask this favor.”
“I ask this favor,” the others repeated.
I got on my horse with Doughboy on my shoulder, and we rode through the gate. The urge to glance at the tower window nagged me every step of the way, but I denied the impulse and never looked back.
My return to Tarth was nothing like I’d imagined it would be. Eva’s games reminded me how much she used to piss me off. Had it not been for Scarlett, I would have told them all to go piss up a rope and gladly returned to Becka.
But Scarlett was in trouble, and I couldn’t turn my back on her.
“So what was that all about?” I asked. “You guys got all weird when I mentioned my manor.”
“It was destroyed,” she said apologetically.
“By whom?”
“No one knows for sure, but the princess thinks it was Lord Berdink’s men. Much like the king, the lord blames you for ruining the wedding and Eva’s decision to join the Order of Celesta.”
“Fuck me. Is there anything left? What about my lands?”
“The buildings were burned and the fields were salted. Nothing has grown there all summer.”
“Why the hell would they think I had anything to do with Eva’s decision? She makes her own decisions. I could barely get her to follow me in a straight line, let alone run off and become a nun
.”
“She is a priestess.”
“Whatever.”
“It is a noble title.” She was suddenly defensive and full of frowns.
“Tell that to her father,” I quipped. “Damn, I was hoping to gather some men, but I suppose all the servants and whatever ran away.
She shrugged.
“I still want to see it.”
“As you wish. It lies northeast and is on the way to the mountain pass.”
I fumed about the loss of my manor as we traveled. I hadn’t even seen the place, and now it was trashed. I made a mental note to pay Lord Berdink a visit—if I made it out of the Badlands alive.
“What does the princess know about Scarlett’s disappearance?”
“Only what she learned from your doughy friend.”
“That she was taken by some kind of demon?”
“Yes. Doughboy arrived on our doorstep, a sodden mess and nearly dead. He had gotten to us by… what is it he does? Mind control creatures?”
“Yeah.”
“Well he had mind-controlled a large owl, and he barely made it back. Eva prayed for three days and three nights for his health, and Celesta answered her prayers, Thodin bless her. When he was well enough, he explained what happened in his own way, and that’s when Eva prayed to Celesta to bring you back. After four days of continuous prayer, with no food and no sleep, her prayers were finally answered, and you arrived.”
“Damn. I didn’t know it would take so much to get me here. But why begin a ten-day silent retreat after all that?”
“To thank the goddess Celesta,” she said, like it was common sense.
“This demon that took Scarlett, is it a regular occurrence on this planet?”
“Not regular, but they do exist. Eva’s guess is that it wasn’t a demon, but a demon’s master who wanted Scarlett.”
“But why?”
“Only Celesta knows,” she said solemnly.
“Actually, she doesn’t.” I laughed despite my ire. “I asked her.”
Thodin’s Eye snuck out from behind a languid white cloud, and I was once again struck by the majesty of the blue-ringed planet.
I was back.
I was really back.
The circumstances sucked, and I felt bad about suddenly vanishing on Becka, but I was glad to be back on Tarth. I’d daydreamed about returning and being greeted as a hero by the people of Zenfindel. I’d imagined seeing Eva and Scarlett again and possibly continuing our adventures together. There had been quite a few sexual fantasies as well. But so far my new adventure was nothing but bad news.
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