He rolled his eyes, shot an arm about thirty feet up into the canopy, then swooped up onto a branch like Spiderman.
I stood in the middle of the road and waited for the riders with my pizza shovel slung over my shoulder like a rifle. I heard them coming long before I saw anyone, but soon three riders turned the distant corner.
The lead man held up a hand, and they slowed to a trot. They approached slowly, the two in back training their crossbows on the trees and underbrush and scanning the canopy for an ambush.
When the lead man stopped, the two behind him aimed their weapons at me.
“Where is the girl?” he asked, but I didn’t have a chance to reply.
Doughboy dropped out of the trees, limbs spread like a flying squirrel. His body became wide and flat, like a spinning crust being formed by a master pizza maker. He must have been six feet wide when he landed on the heads of the two soldiers.
The men lost their shit when Doughboy plopped on top of them. One of them fired, his bolt hitting a tree far to my left. The horses were so startled by Doughboy’s attack that they bucked the men off and ran away. Meanwhile Doughboy tied them up with his doughy body.
The captain didn’t try to help them; he unsheathed his sword and kicked his horse’s sides, spurring the beast into a charge. I held my ground, my massive blade ready. The captain let out a war cry and slashed downward as he passed on my right. I deflected the attack with the flat of my blade, jarring the man and knocking the sword out of his hand.
He turned around close to where Hannah was hiding and pulled a crossbow from his saddle. Doughboy was still tying up the other men, and they were screaming bloody murder, thinking that at any minute, he was going to eat their faces.
The captain fired his crossbow at me, and I turned my shovel sideways, deflecting the bolt at the last second. He reloaded, and I took the opportunity to attack. I hauled off and threw my pizza shovel like an axe, sending it spinning end over end in a blur. It hit the horse, and the beast went down hard, along with the captain. When I reached him, he was still trying to load his crossbow, but he was in a lot of pain. His leg was pinned under the dead horse; I could see the bone sticking out of his thigh.
I kicked the crossbow aside and grabbed my enchanted pizza shovel. “How we doing back there, D?”
“Sweeeet!” he called back.
“I didn’t want to kill your horse,” I said to the man, “but I had no other option.”
“You will pay for that, and you will pay for what your demon has done to my men.” He spit at me, though it only speckled my shin guards.
“Why are you chasing me?” I asked.
“You are to be brought before the king to answer charges.”
“What charges?”
“Defiling the Princess Evangeline.”
“Defiling the princess? I never defiled her.”
“Tell that to the executioner,” he said and sneered.
“Listen, I’m not going to hurt you or your men, but I’m not helping you out from under that horse either.” I left him there, groaning in pain, and rounded up the other two soldiers with Doughboy’s help.
They had manacles on them, so I shackled them together by the wrists. For the man under the horse, it was going to be a bitch if they moved too fast.
“I imagine your horses will return to you at some point,” I said as I mounted my stallion. “Good luck, fellas. When you get back to the king, tell him I said hi.”
We left them with their water skins within reach and continued down the road. I was bummed about having to kill the horse, and I was a little more than surprised to hear the accusations against me.
“Why the hell would the king think I defiled his daughter?” I asked Hannah.
Doughboy was riding on my shoulder. He glanced at me, rolled his eyes, and slapped his forehead. Hannah didn’t say a word.
“What did she tell you?”
“That you and Scarlett… did things to her,” she said at length.
“To her?” I laughed. “She was ready and more than willing.”
“She said you two got her drunk and did things.” She fanned herself. “Let’s just say they aren’t things a virgin princess should be doing.”
“She’s an adult. She wasn’t forced into anything. We were all drinking. Things just got out of control. How in the hell did the king find out we’d fooled around?”
“I didn’t tell him, if that’s what you’re insinuating.”
I glanced at Doughboy, who sat on the horse’s neck, facing forward. He noticed the attention and turned to look at me. “Did you tell anyone?”
He shook his head vehemently, and I believed him.
“Who else did Eva tell?” I asked Hannah.
“No one. I’ve been her handmaiden for five years. We’re really close.”
Eva had never once mentioned Hannah to me, but I didn’t tell her that.
“No wonder the king has men looking for me. He probably wants me hanged.”
She winced. “He wants you beheaded.”
“Not sweeeet,” said Doughboy with a sympathetic look my way.
I let out a mirthless laugh and shook my head, exasperated. “So not only did Eva refuse to speak with me, but she summoned me from Earth, knowing her father wanted me dead? What a gal.”
“She is worried about her friend, and you should be too,” Hannah said defensively, and I wondered what had crawled up her ass. Anytime I talked smack about the princess, Hannah took it personally. If nothing else, she was loyal to her mistress.
“Quiet!” I hissed and pulled the horse to a stop.
She halted beside me and listened, eyes wide, and finally heard it.
“Sounds like a friggin’ cavalry is coming our way.” I scanned both sides of the road. We were in a wooded area, but the trees were a pine variety and very tall, which left the forest floor covered in needles, cones, and ferns.
“We need to get off the road.” I dismounted and listened again, guessing we had less than a minute to get out of sight. “D, can you stay behind us and cover our tracks? You know, sweep the ground?”
He nodded, and I guided my horse into the woods, with Hannah following close behind. We made it about a hundred yards in before the cavalry raced by. I couldn’t see much more than blurs of metal armor, but it looked like there were dozens of soldiers. Someone at the temple must have tipped off the king, most likely the guard who’d given me the stink eye the entire time.
“We’re going to have to stay off the road,” I said.
“I have no problem sleeping in the woods. I’ve done it a number of times.”
“Good, then I won’t have to listen to you piss and moan, like your mistress did every step of the way.”
“For someone who thinks they were in love with Eva, you sure do seem to loathe her.”
I turned around slowly. “Can we please not talk about the damned princess? How about we don’t talk at all for a while, okay? If we get captured, it’s my ass, not yours.”
“You don’t have to be rude,” she said, all hurt like.
“Let’s keep moving.” It was cool in the shade of the pines, but there were a lot of bugs infesting the area, and a few hours in, I began to lose my sense of humor. Doughboy helped, shooting his tongue out like an overgrown frog and eating the deerflies and other little bastards pestering us. When dusk arrived, the bugs got worse, and I decided I’d had enough.
I pulled the horse to a stop. “This looks like a good spot to make camp.”
“I thought you’d never say that,” said Hannah.
There was a babbling brook for the horses to drink from, and I left my stallion with Hannah while Doughboy and I gathered firewood. Aside from providing us with warmth, the fire would also deter the bugs.
The deadwood around our perimeter was dry enough to burn, and after piling up Doughboy and grabbing an armload, we returned to our makeshift camp. To my surprise Hannah had been hard at work setting the place up. She’d gathered stones for a fire ring,
set up our small field tents on high ground, and even picked a bunch of berries for us to snack on.
“Looks great,” I said as I dropped the wood near the stones.
“Thanks. You hungry? I’m starved.”
“Let me get this fire going so we can eat in peace. These damned bugs are driving me crazy.”
There was enough dry grass and twigs available to easily start a fire. We were a long way off the road, and I wasn’t too concerned about it being seen, but I kept it low just in case. Once it was crackling, I dug out a couple of half buried stones with flat tops to sit on. Once they were brushed off they made descent seats, and I finally got a chance to sit down and patch my bones.
We ate salted pork, goat cheese, and round bread as the sun disappeared in the west. We had plenty of water, but I was thirsty for a different kind of drink, so I tapped the small barrel of beer Tresha had given us and offered Hannah a cup.
The pine boughs kept the sky mostly hidden, but gaps in the canopy revealed a starry sky.
“At least we don’t have to worry about rain tonight,” I said.
“Thank the gods,” said Hannah. She presented me with her empty mug, and I cocked a brow.
“Thirsty tonight?”
“It helps keep the fear of the wild at bay.”
I refilled her mug, drank the remaining beer in mine, and poured myself another. “Cheers.” I held up my cup.
“What are we celebrating?” she asked, raising her drink.
“Not being captured by the soldiers.”
We tapped mugs, and I noticed Hannah was chugging hers.
“What else can you tell me about Gorrcon?”
“Not much.” She stared at the fire with a faraway look in her eyes. “It all happened long before I was born, but they say that Gorrcon amassed an army of thousands, including demons and other denizens of the underworld. He and his army nearly broke through the dwarven stronghold, but the combined efforts of the peoples of Tarth kept them at bay until Red finally defeated him.”
“You’d think Red would be known as a hero throughout the land,” I said, remembering how Red had said that Clan Black wasn’t talked about in Fenzindel, and they rarely got credit for their efforts in keeping the monster hordes at bay. “What’s with all the secrecy?”
“I don’t know. I think maybe everyone just wants to forget there are monsters on the other side of the mountains. They want to live in their happy little worlds and not be reminded of the darkness that lurks nearby.”
“I guess that’s true of most people,” I said.
After a long silence in which we sipped and stared at the fire, Hannah looked to me with concern.
“Are you worried about Scarlett?” she asked quietly.
“Of course I am.” I laughed mirthlessly. “She’s being held by some nutjob warlock, and to tell you the truth, I don’t know what I’m going to do once I get to where I’m going. I mean, I defeated the Goblin King, but that was lucky. Had Doughboy not taken a magical bolt for me, I’d be dead and the princess would probably still be a prisoner.”
“Celesta wouldn’t have brought you here if she didn’t think you could help,” she said.
I fingered the amulet around my neck, the one that was supposed to repel magic, and wondered how well it would work against Gorrcon.
“I believe in you, Jake.” She gave me a warm smile. “I’ll help any way I can.”
“Thanks. It’s been good having you along the last few days. I can see why Eva likes you.”
We drank the last of our beer and went to sleep about two hours after sunset. I didn’t usually go to bed that early, but I wanted to get up before dawn and sneak away while Hannah was still sleeping. She meant well, but I didn’t plan on bringing her to the Badlands. It wasn’t a place for a handmaiden.
I told Doughboy to keep watch over the camp, asked him to wake me up before sunrise, and to be careful not to wake Hannah.
I slept soundly that night, and when I awoke, I couldn’t tell if I’d been sleeping for fifteen minutes or five hours. Doughboy was tapping me on the shoulder and nervously but quietly farting.
“Thanks, buddy,” I whispered.
I could see Hannah’s head at one end of the field tent. She appeared to be fast asleep. I’d packed the night before and decided to leave the tent where it was. Maybe I could pick one up when I went through the dwarven pass; taking it down might wake her.
“Not sweeeet,” said Doughboy as he stared at the sleeping beauty.
I gave him big eyes and pointed away from camp, and he solemnly started padding along. I led my horse silently through the woods, and when Doughboy and I were far enough away, I told him the hard truth.
“I know you feel bad about leaving her, but the Badlands are no place for a woman like her. She’ll get hurt, or worse, killed. You understand?”
He shrugged, still sulking.
“She’s better off without us. There are no real dangers for her here. She’ll just wake up and go back to the princess when she can’t find us.”
“Not sweeeet,” he said, shaking his head. “Not sweeeet.”
“Sometimes life’s not sweet. Sometimes it’s as sour as hell, and you’ve just got to deal with it.”
The sun rose an hour after we set out, and in the distance, I saw the Monster Bane mountains. With any luck we’d arrive before sundown. Then the real journey would begin.
I stayed off the main roads most of the day, but by noon I was tired of the slow pace, the bugs, the mud, and the nearly impassible forest trails. I’d been walking the horse more than riding it, and at this rate I wouldn’t reach the mountain pass for days. So I risked the main road, and once we were on it, we rode like the wind.
Luckily I didn’t come across any more soldiers, and we reached the mountain pass before sunset. I was weary, hungry, and had a bit of a hangover from Tresha’s ale, but I was glad to see the dwarven statues looming high above the trees.
What I wasn’t happy about was seeing the dozen or so Fenzindelian soldiers blocking the path leading to Bright Ward.
“We’ve got trouble, D,” I said, and he awoke with a start on the horse’s back and came to attention like an attack dog.
One of the soldiers ordered us to halt.
He had the high ground, and there was nowhere for me to go. I was in a small canyon that led slowly upward, and the sheer cliffs on each side left me with few options. To make matters worse, half a dozen soldiers blocked my exit.
“I’m trying to get through the pass to the Badlands,” I yelled back. “I am on a quest, given to me by none other than Celesta, Goddess of Virtue.”
The man who had addressed me glanced at his comrades, then burst out laughing. “The Defiler of the princess is on a quest given to him by the Goddess of Virtue! Now that’s rich.”
The soldiers had a good belly laugh over that one.
“You know who I am,” I bellowed. “I’m Jake Baker, Monster Slayer, the man who killed the Goblin King, and I will let no one stand in the way of my quest, soldier of the king or not.”
That shut them up pretty quick, but the man in charge raised a hand, and a dozen crossbows were aimed at me.
“Drop your weapon, put your hands up, and walk toward me slowly, defiler!”
Doughboy glanced at me, and though he looked fearless in the face of such danger, I knew he couldn’t stop all the bolts aimed at my heart. I tried to think of a way out, but I was screwed six ways to Sunday. I bent to lay down my enchanted weapon, but then someone barked from on high.
“Oi!”
I saw the speaker and grinned.
The commander scanned the tall cliff, then turned around and glanced behind him, where the stout dwarf commander, Garthor, stood proudly, hands on hips.
“Sir Jake Baker be a guest o’ King Havrok, and we be here to make sure he ain’t molested by the likes o’ you.”
“We?” said the commander.
About fifty dwarves appeared on the edge of the surrounding rock faces. Others pop
ped up among the startled soldiers, and still more rappelled down from the ledges above.
“Aye, like I be sayin’,” said Garthor. “We be here to ensure Sir Jake’s safety. Kindly call of yer men, turn yer asses around, and beat feet!”
Beside me, Doughboy snickered.
“The king will hear of this,” the commander warned.
“Aye, that be for sure. He’ll be hearin’ how ye brought human soldiers onto dwarven lands with malicious intent toward the good dwarf king’s honored guest. Ye be knowin’ Jake Baker killed the damned Goblin King, ain’t ye?”
“Sweeeet!” Doughboy sang, and I high-fived him.
The commander turned his murderous eyes from Garthor to me.
“Go on then,” said Garthor, waving them off. “Get gone or we’ll kick yer asses quicker than quick got ready!”
The commander signaled his soldiers, and they lowered their crossbows. He walked toward me as his men filed out. “This isn’t over. Soon as you come through this pass again, I’ll be there, and—”
Doughboy grew about ten times his size, puffing up like a blowfish and roaring like a flatulating dragon’s ass.
The commander was so startled that his voice went up about five octaves, and he fell back, tripped on a rock, and fell flat on his butt.
“Doughboy!” I said with faux concern. “That wasn’t very nice.”
He shrugged and continued to laugh.
“Need a hand?” I said and reached toward the commander.
He slapped it away, shot Doughboy a menacing glance, and stiffly joined his men.
I led the horse farther up the trail as the dwarves gathered around to guard my flank, pat me on the back, or ask me what it was like to kill the Goblin King. Apparently word of my heroics had spread through their halls since last I’d been there.
“Welcome back, Sir Jake,” said Garthor. He extended a hand, and I shook it loosely, which I instantly regretted. His grip was crushing, and I slapped his shoulder and pulled back with a hearty laugh.
“Good to see you again, Garthor. Thanks for the help. Those men have been dogging me since I returned to Tarth.”
“Aye, I heard what they was sayin’ ’bout ye. But I don’t know ’bout all that defilin’ business. Ye didn’t do nothin’ like that, did ye?”
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