•Take classes
Staying Differentiated
Okay, you’ve worked hard to create a great life, one that is fulfilling to you and one that is attractive to women. Let’s say you meet someone who appears to have the potential to be a Really Great Woman and you start spending time together. This is natural in a new relationship. You both want to spend as much time together as possible.
You go on dates, hang out watching television together, chat on the phone, take trips. You might eventually move in together and share household chores and projects. You believe you have found what you have been looking for and you want to spend as much time together as you can.
Unfortunately, this is the beginning of the end! Here is why.
When you first meet a woman who has the potential to be your RGW, you and she are probably both living lives that are fulfilling and interesting. That is what makes you both attractive to the other. But as you both begin spending more time together, you have less time to engage in the things you were both doing before you met.
Some couples start spending so much time together that they completely let go of everything they were doing when they first met. This is called “fusion.” Fusion is where both people lose themselves as a result of the relationship. There are at least two major problems when people fuse.
The first problem that fusion creates is that neither of them is the same person that the other was originally attracted to. Do you ever wonder how you could initially find someone so interesting, but the more time you spend with her, the less interested you are in being with her? One reason is that she has changed. The very act of spending time together has caused both of you to sacrifice the lifestyle that made you both initially interesting to each other. She’s not the same person you were originally attracted to.
A second problem is that as each of you gives up important things in your lives, you both expect the other person to fill the void. This is a heavy burden to place on any one person. It creates neediness and dependency as well as resentment and boredom. When you each fail to fill each other up, you both blame each other. You both then attempt to get the other person to change and become something that will fill the inner void you are both experiencing.
This is why it is essential to hold onto your full life, even after you move into an intimate relationship. This is called “differentiation.” Differentiation is essential for personal happiness and relationship health.
Differentiation is the ability to hold on to yourself when there is pressure to fuse and lose yourself to another.
So, when you find a Really Great Woman and all you can think about is being with her every moment, remember what got you there. Hold onto yourself. Stay differentiated – keep making the cake. Pursue your passion. Keep your guy friends. Stay faithful at the gym. Keep leaning into challenge Maintain your spiritual practice. Keep giving your gift to the world.
There will still be time for you and your woman to enjoy each other. Maintain balance and stay differentiated. Remember, she’s the icing, not the cake.
Chapter 10: Activate Women's Basic Biological Urges
“I’m useless without my mojo.” - Austin Powers
In the 1999 classic, “Austin Powers, The Spy Who Shagged Me,” Dr. Evil travels back to 1969 in an invention he calls a “time machine” to steal Austin Power’s “mojo.” As soon as Dr. Evil drinks his nemesis’s “life force,” he becomes totally irresistible to Frau Frisian. The effect on Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, is catastrophic.
The irrepressible 60s swinger becomes anxious, nervous, self-conscious, and impotent. He is unable to follow through on an opportunity to have his way with Felicity Shagwell. As a result, Felicity blames herself for not being adequately attractive. Austin arrives at the painful conclusion, “I’m useless without my mojo.”
Not having “mojo” is a major problem for most “bad daters.” A lack of mojo (“libido, vitality, life force” – according to Dr. Evil) is probably a fundamental reason you have experienced frustration and rejection with women.
Mojo empowers you to interact with women confidently.
It is what causes women to notice you and want you. It is what allows you to test for interest. It is what gives you the balls to set the tone and take the lead. It is what gives you the backbone to walk away from the wrong woman. It is what makes you think positively and abundantly.
This lesson will show you how to claim your mojo. It will reveal the secret for interacting with women with optimal confidence and minimal anxiety. This lesson isn’t for the faint of heart. It will challenge everything you have ever believed about how you should interact with women. It will force you take a long hard look at some debilitating, yet socially sanctioned self-limiting beliefs. This lesson might initially frighten you, but if you are ready to get what you want in love and sex then it is time to grab your mojo and get busy!
The Lie of Niceness
The problem most bad daters have is that they either don’t interact with women at all, or if they do, they engage with them “nicely.”
Think back to junior high or middle school. This is the age when you began to really notice girls. These suddenly interesting creatures were not only developing physically, but they also seemed more socially interesting than most of your guy friends. About a year or two after the girls started developing, so did you. All of a sudden, your brain and testicles started telling you that it might be a good idea to try and get the attention of one of these sexy creatures.
Unfortunately, you might not have had the greatest social skills. You were awkward. You probably weren’t great looking, rich, or the quarterback of the football team. Your reach exceeded your grasp. So, you concluded that you needed some kind of plan to stand out from the crowd of pimply awkward adolescent boys who all had the same goal as you (and who all also didn’t have a clue).
It was probably about this time that you came up with the strategy of being different from the other guys. You would be “nice.”
Your 14-year-old mind told you that this was probably your best approach for winning a girl’s affection. You might have also developed a secondary strategy of homing in on the girls who were the most insecure. You probably unconsciously reasoned that a diamond in the rough wouldn’t have as high of expectations as the more desirable girls.
Unfortunately, these strategies didn’t work then and they don’t work now.
There are a few major problems with the “nice” strategy.
First, being nice to a woman is an overt attempt to win her approval. Seeking approval actually ratchets up your anxiety level. If you don’t care what a woman thinks about you, you can interact with her with a calm detachment that projects confidence. Caring too much about what a woman thinks makes you timid, anxious and fearful. As a result, you either don’t engage at all, or you do so with great reserve.
A second problem with the “nice” strategy is that it makes you appear lower in status than the woman with whom you are interested. People usually only suck up to people who are greater in status (at least perceived).
When you are being overly polite, gracious, giving, solicitous, and passively pleasing with a woman, she will perceive you to be of lower status than she. Not only will this put a cork in her biologically programmed juices, it will actually kill any spark of attraction she might have had for you.
Another problem with being “nice” is that it does absolutely nothing to turn a woman on. I know the opposite is true for you. When a woman is “nice” to you it turns you on. But for women, it just makes you look like a “friend.” A woman may want to be attracted to a nice guy, but biology won’t allow it.
Finally, once you start trying to win a woman’s approval by being nice, the pattern never ends. Even if you end up in a relationship with a woman, you have created a dynamic of trying to please her and make her happy (and make sure she never leaves you). This is a recipe for disaster in relationships (I know, I’ve done it a few times and watched it thousands of times).
Niceness will do nothing more than make you look like a wimp or a “girlfriend with a penis.” She might take advantage of your willingness to listen for hours to the problems she is having with the “jerk” she dating, or might ask you to help her sister move, but she will never want to have sex with you – you are her “friend.”
Why You Want a Woman
Right now you are probably thinking, “Don’t be nice? What are you suggesting, become a jerk?”
I know, you’ve been trying to be different from all the jerks for all these years. Most bad daters tend to think in black and white, so becoming a jerk might seem like the only alternative to being nice, but there is another, much more effective alternative.
Ask yourself a question. What is the primary reason for approaching a woman you find attractive?
•So you can listen to her talk about her problems?
•So you can find out if her sister needs help moving?
•So you can spend your hard-earned money paying off her bills?
No! You approach a woman you are attracted to for one primary reason – SEX!
This is the reason you found girls interesting at 14 and it is the reason you find women interesting now. I know this truth just triggered some huge SLBs for you:
•“But that would make me a bad man.”
•“Turning women into sex objects is demeaning.”
•“Women will think I’m a jerk if they know I want to have sex with them.”
God gave women breasts so you would find them interesting enough to talk to them. Of course you are evolved enough to not just see women as sex objects, but it is still the primary reason for interacting with them.
Mother nature made you want to put your penis in vaginas for the pure and simple reason that it is the most effective way to keep the human race in existence. (Have you ever pondered the fact that every one of your ancestors had sex?) Who are you to argue with mother nature (you won’t win that argument)?
It is evolutionary sin to repress your God-given sexual interest in women.
It is a self-limiting lie to believe your sex drive makes you a bad man. It is also a distorted SLB to believe that women will think you are bad if you want to have sex with them. Actually the opposite is true. Felicity Shagwell felt worthless and rejected when Austin couldn’t get it up for her.
Thanks to mother nature, while you are checking out a woman’s status as a “sex object,” she is checking out your status as a “success object.”
While you check out her “fuckablity,” she checks out your “profitability.” This isn’t bad, it is just the way it is. Successful daters accept and capitalize on this reality.
Confidence – The Number One Aphrodisiac
I suggest that you read the following sentence several times until it really sinks in.
When you approach a woman with confidence, she experiences the exact same chemical reaction in her brain (dopamine and norepinephrine) that you would experience if she lifted up her shirt and showed you her tits.
You can’t help what happens in your brain and she can’t help what happens in hers. Mother nature has programmed these reactions into both of you.
Since women are “security seeking creatures,” confidence, status, power, and authority all activate their biologically programmed security meter.
Whether we like it or not, here is how mother nature programmed us:
•Nurses marry doctors.
•Flight attendants marry pilots.
•Secretaries marry their bosses.
•Groupies hang out in hotels hoping to meet pro athletes and rock stars.
The above realities don’t make women gold diggers, they are just doing what they are programmed to do (just like you are programmed to look at breasts). Understanding the truth of female biology makes women putty in the hands of the man who and accepts and acts on evolutionary reality.
Confidence and Mojo, Why Bad Daters Lack Both
The biggest drawback for most bad daters is not that they aren’t attractive enough, smart enough, or successful enough – it is that they project a lack of confidence.
Imagine this, you are walking through the mall and happen to notice an attractive woman walking toward you. You unconsciously check her out. All of a sudden, she looks your way, she sees you looking at her. What do you instinctively do? If you are like most bad daters, you look away. You think you’ve been “caught.”
You’re sure she’ll see that you were looking at her and think you are a jerk. What message does your looking away project? Confidence or passivity, dominance or submission, status or subservience?
Confident men will hold the woman’s gaze and smile confidently. The woman responds with either a high interest or low interest response. Regardless of whether or not she is attracted to the man, she will perceive him as confident and assured. She’ll feel a little buzz. She’ll walk with a skip in her step and might not even realize why.
By looking away, you communicate that you are submissive, intimidated, unsure of yourself. It isn’t what you meant to communicate, but unfortunately, this is how it will be interpreted. These are the type of inadvertent signals most bad daters send to women.
The sad thing is, you probably looked away because your SLBs told you that a woman will think you are bad if she catches you checking her out. This is a lie. A woman will think you have status and power if you are checking her out (unless you are flat out staring at her and undressing her – this is creepy). Unless you are dressed like a street person, the only clue a woman has to your status is how you carry yourself and how you hold her gaze.
SLBs and Sex
Most bad daters have extreme shame, guilt, fear, and anxiety about sex. They believe women think sex is bad. They believe that women think men who want sex are bad. If you have these kinds of SLBs you have probably worked very hard to hide any kind of sexual interest from the women you meet.
Here is the problem that has probably plagued you since you first noticed girls in middle school – you have been trying to hide your real reason for wanting to talk to them and date them.
YOU WANT TO SEE THEM NAKED, BUT YOU DON’T WANT THEM TO KNOW.
Men who are comfortable having a strong sexual agenda interact with women with a minimum of anxiety and with a maximum of confidence. This is “mojo.” Men who are uncomfortable with (or unconscious of, or in denial of) having a strong sexual agenda interact with women with a maximum of anxiety and with a minimum of confidence.
Wanting to have sex doesn’t make you a bad man. Your sexual interest is just the spark that gets the engine started. It is the knock on the door to a possibly great relationship (a great night of sex or something long-term).
Most bad daters get it backwards. They try and become a woman’s friend first while hiding any sexual interest. But it is your initial sexual interest that actually starts you down the path to a potentially great relationship.
A bad dater fears that if he expresses sexual interest toward a woman, she will be disgusted and reject him. He is afraid that if he lets a woman know he wants to be more than friends, he will “ruin” the possibility of having a friendship. But if expressing sexual interest ruins the friendship, there isn’t much of a friendship.
Here is something else I will remind you of; women don’t fuck a man because they have gotten to know him, they get to know the man they want to fuck.
By honoring your male sexual programming, you are increasing the odds of acting in such a way that will attract you to, and make you attractive to, some really great women. By repressing your sex drive, you are increasing the odds of settling for some pretty messed up women.
Want a great relationship with a great woman? Engage her with your balls intact.
Confidence is the number one aphrodisiac for women. It makes them feel safe. It turns them on. It makes them wet.
Here’s the good news, you can interact with women with confidence even when you don’t feel confident. Here are several things you can do to
project confidence when you interact with women.
Confront Your SLBs
Odds are, you have very negative, distorted, and judgmental self-limiting beliefs. You probably have a strong need to be perceived of as nice. You have internalized messages from family and society that told you:
•“Don’t chase after girls.”
•“Don’t be a player.”
•“Be a gentleman.”
•“Don’t hit on women.”
•“Don’t be like all the other guys.”
•“Don’t be like your father.”
•“Don’t chase skirt.”
You can use the information and tools from this book to confront and defeat these SLBs. You were born sexual; but religious, social, and familial messages have given you the idea that men are bad or sinful for being sexual. You have probably also internalized the SLB that women will be offended if you have sexual desire toward them.
Break the Catch 22
Most bad daters complain that confidence with women is a Catch 22. They believe you have to have confidence to get a woman, but you have to have success getting women to gain confidence. This is a false belief.
“Confidence” is the product of not caring too much about what people think.
“Lovingly not giving a fuck” what people think allows you to interact with women and confidently engage them. I’ve known men who have had lots of success with women, but still utterly lacked confidence. Contrary to your inner-logic, success and confidence are not related.
Talk to People Everywhere You Go
This is practice for building confidence. The more you do it, the more confident you will feel. When one of the people you happen to be talking to is a woman you find attractive, you will just do what you have been doing every day. You will feel and appear confident. Don’t wait until you see an attractive woman you want to talk to. Start talking to everyone now.
Set the Tone/Take the Lead
Most bad daters are afraid of being controlling, “bad” men. Therefore they approach women passively:
•“I don’t guess you’d want to go out with me sometime would you?”
Dating Essentials for Men Page 10