Chapter 14: Avoid the Number-One Mistake All Nice Guys Make with Women
A woman can’t follow where a man doesn’t lead.
A while back, I was sitting in the bar of a local restaurant with some men who had taken one of my dating classes. An attractive waitress I know walked by our table. I called her over and asked, “Jessica, how do you like it when the guy you are dating leaves all the decisions up to you and repeatedly asks you what you want to do?”
Without hesitation, Jessica emphatically retorted, “IT IRRITATES ME!”
I thanked her for her candid response and turned back to the guys and smiled.
The major mistake that most Nice Guys and bad daters make with women is to interact with them passively and force the woman to set the tone and take the lead. 98% of the time, if the man doesn’t set the tone (by asserting his sexual agenda), and the woman does, she will set a tone of becoming “friends.” Rarely will a woman set the tone of becoming lovers if the man fails to.
In order avoid falling into the “friend zone,” you have get to rejection as quickly as possible. To do this you have to step up and be bold. You do this by setting the tone and taking the lead. Here is what happens when you set the tone and take the lead in a bold way:
•You stimulate a woman’s interest.
•You avoid wasting time on a woman with low interest.
•You project confidence and self-assurance.
•You avoid falling into the dreaded “friend zone.”
The concept of being bold, setting the tone and taking the lead, and getting to rejection quickly makes most bad daters and Nice Guys anxious. Doing these things challenges your deepest paradigms about being a good man and about what women want. Though this lesson may make you uncomfortable, it offers a proven model for attracting the attention of women, avoiding becoming a girlfriend with a penis, and building healthy long-term relationships.
Leading and Following
I know the concept of leading and following seems almost old fashioned in our “modern” society. Yet someone has to set the tone. No matter how much you hear about equality and 50/50 relationships, cars still come with only one steering wheel and televisions with only one remote. When it all comes down to it, someone has to lead.
The golden rule of setting the tone and taking the lead is that you always treat a woman with integrity and respect. Setting the tone and taking the lead is not the same as being controlling, manipulative, selfish, or abusive. This is not about making every decision or having everything go your way. Rather is about you deciding what YOU want and inviting a woman to join you.
Setting the tone and taking the lead with a woman is like being the lead on a dance floor. A woman has a choice to follow or not. You aren’t forcing her to do anything. But she doesn’t have a choice if you don’t clearly lead or let her know what direction you are going.
Security Seeking Creatures
Whether you are testing for interesting or in an established relationship, you have to set the tone and take the lead. This is because women are by nature, security seeking creatures. Women want to feel safe more than anything else – this is how they are wired. They naturally look to men for security (it starts with daddy and continues into adulthood in their intimate relationships with men).
When I talk about a woman’s need for “security,” I’m not talking about “money” as most BDs mistakenly assume. For women, security means not having to guess what a man is thinking or where he wants to go. Furthermore, it means not having to take responsibility for making all the decisions and not having to take charge.
A healthy woman wants a man who has a plan, who can make decisions, and who can communicate. If she can’t trust the man in her life to make her feel safe, she is forced into taking charge. Women hate this (Jessica was telling the truth)!
All too often, a woman has to take over the man’s job by default because the guy won’t do it. When a woman takes the lead, the guy assumes she must want to be in charge, even though she doesn’t. Once she has gotten behind the wheel, she won’t let go unless she is 100% convinced she can trust her man to take over and drive.
When a woman is forced into the driver’s seat, her sexual interest disappears. This is how men become a girlfriend with a penis.
When a man fails to lead and set the tone, the woman:
•Feels unsafe
•Loses trust
•Loses sexual desire
•Has to escalate testing behavior
•Has to become controlling (not a pretty sight)
When a man fails to do his job and forces the woman to set the tone and take the lead, he becomes:
•Frustrated
•Resentful
•Emotionally unavailable
•Manipulative
•Passive-aggressive
•Moody (also not a pretty sight)
That is why it is essential for you to set the tone and take the lead from the very first moment you meet a woman. These behaviors are the only way to effectively get a woman’s attention and keep her interest once you have it. That is why the way you interact with a woman from your very first encounter will determine the way the relationship plays out down the road.
Setting the Tone on The First Date
It is crucial that you set the tone and take the lead before the first date and on the date itself. From the very beginning, make decisions and be decisive. Tell your date when and where to meet you. Don’t give her a bunch of options. Don’t force her to make too many decisions. She should only have to decide one thing – is she going to meet you when and where you proposed or not?
I know it may be difficult to sort out how this isn’t being controlling, but it isn’t. When you take the lead, she has the option to follow or not. She also has the option of offering a counter suggestion. By giving her one choice, you are testing her in such a clear way that her response will be equally clear. When you give a woman too many options or no direction at all (“What would you like to do?”), there is no clear test for her to respond to. All you’ve really done is frustrate her (remember Jessica’s response).
On the date, you can set the tone by teasing her and making her laugh. Bust on her. Tell her what to do in playful, confident ways. Order for her. Be a gentleman. Tell her to wait until you open her door. Listen. Find out what is important to her. If she gets to talking about downer subjects, steer the conversation to lighter fare.
You decide when the date ends. Leave her wanting more. Kiss her on the cheek when you tell her goodbye. If she wants to take it further, don’t let her. Tease her about wanting to go so fast on a first date. With a wink, tell her you’re not the kind of guy.
The whole first date is a test. Think of it just like a game of chess, you are testing her and she is testing you. You are testing to find out as much as you can about her nature as well as how well she follows. She is testing you to see if you can lead and make her feel safe.
One woman I went out with tested me in the first 45 seconds of the date by trying to take control. I lovingly continued to set the tone. She told me later during the same date that she doesn’t like it if a man lets her take control. If you passively let a woman set the tone, you have failed her test and she’ll lose interest quickly.
Setting the Tone Early in a Relationship
As a new relationship develops, you have to continue setting the tone and taking the lead. I have found that there is a direct correlation between how desperate a guy is and how willing he is to give a woman everything she wants. I have also found that the prettier, sexier, or moodier a woman is, the more likely a man is to let her set the tone. There is also a direct correlation between the degree that a man wants to please a woman and how little respect she will have for him.
Never let a woman dictate the terms of the relationship – ever! As odd as this sounds, letting the woman set the tone is unloving. We tend to think that relationships are the area of feminine expertise, but if you let a woman climb into the driver�
��s seat of the relationship, you’ll never get her out and she will quickly lose attraction to you. Here is why.
As a result of being security seeking creatures, women have a tendency to trade long-term security for short-term gratification (I know this is a generalization – but test it to see if it holds up).
The feminine wants to feel good RIGHT NOW. This is why she eats chocolate to soothe herself when her jeans don’t fit. This is why she buys shoes she doesn’t need and charges them on a credit card that is already maxed out when she is stressed about money. Behaving this way helps her feel good in the moment, regardless of the long-term consequences.
If a woman really likes you she will want to escalate the relationship quickly. This tendency toward emotional fusion tends to be the nature of the feminine. It also tends to be the nature of Nice Guys and bad daters. If she likes you, she will want to start talking to you on the phone every night. She will want to text and email. She will want to see you several times a week. She will want to become sexual way too quickly (sometimes on the first or second date).
It is your job to go as slowly as possible to find out as quickly as possible what her nature is.
If you get fused and sexual quickly, you won’t get to find out her true nature until somewhere down the line. By then you will be so bonded that it will be extremely painful for everyone involved if you try to end it. That is why it is your job to set the tone from the very beginning. By doing so, you make the long-term well-being of the relationship (as well as your own and the woman’s well-being) a priority over the short-term gratification that both of you want to tumble into.
Chatting
An important rule of setting the tone early in the relationship is don’t chat. The feminine loves to talk and loves the feeling of having regular contact with a new crush. The average BD loves the feeling too. This is a short-term “chemical in the brain” gratification – don’t do it. Stay off the phone. Limit emails and text messages in the first few weeks of a new relationship.
If you start chatting on the phone, texting, and emailing right away you are making several mistakes.
•You are letting the woman set the tone.
•You are giving her way too much of what she wants and getting little in return. Early in a relationship men get little of value from chatting on the phone. You can’t see her breasts, you can’t touch her face, you can’t smell her perfume, you can’t find out who she really is. Talking is important, but keep those great conversations live and in person.
•Chatting on the phone and emailing early on creates the risk of you becoming her boyfriend way too quickly. It speeds things up and creates an artificial bond.
•You also run the risk of becoming a “girlfriend with a penis” – a guy friend whom she talks to but doesn’t get naked with!
In the first few weeks of a relationship, phones and email are for setting up dates, not for chatting. Screen all calls. If she calls you, let it go to voice mail. Wait a little while before calling her, and then only to make plans for seeing each other in person. I know this sounds like game playing, but it is essential for setting a healthy tone in the relationship.
Keep on Setting the Tone
As a relationship unfolds, continue to set the tone and take the lead:
•Never allow a woman to tell you that you can’t see your friends or can’t spend time enjoying your hobbies.
•Don’t engage in conversations you don’t want to have.
•Don’t argue and don’t try to convince her of anything.
•Never, ever, ever defend yourself – it makes you feel and appear weak.
•Never let her treat you badly. Be willing to walk away.
Remember, there are boatloads of great women out there. When you let a woman treat you badly or when you put up with something that you don’t like, the tone has been established for the rest of the relationship.
Letting go of Attachment to Outcome
The Buddha said that attachment is the cause of all suffering. Attachment is also the cause of all bad dating. In order to set the tone and take the lead, you have to work at letting go of attachment to outcome. If you are worried about outcomes you will never risk, test for interest, blurt, ask a woman out, get a phone number, initiate sex, or set the tone in a relationship.
Letting go of attachment to outcome is a mental process.
•Tell yourself a woman’s response is never personal.
•Tell yourself “No matter what happens, I can handle it.”
•Breathe, have fun, be willing to make a mistake.
•Be willing to look foolish.
•Learn to laugh at yourself.
•Treat dating as research.
•See all interactions as an adventure.
Letting go of attachment to outcome allows you to lean into your fear of rejection. I tell the guys with whom I work, “Rejection doesn’t hurt!” I know you probably don’t believe this, I would have argued the point myself a few years ago. But if you aren’t attached to outcomes, rejection doesn’t hurt.
If you internalize that a woman’s low interest means you are undesirable and unlovable and that every woman will feel the same, yes, you will MAKE YOURSELF pretty miserable, but the actual low interest response – the “rejection,” if you will – doesn’t hurt.
The Dating Essentials for Men Workbook includes an assignment to try to get rejected three times this week. I know this might sound crazy, but I’ve discovered something really powerful about trying to get rejected. The guys who go out and do the assignment experience amazing growth. They begin to have unbelievable success in their dating experience. The guys who never get around to trying to get rejected never seem to make much significant progress in their dating or mating.
This is true for a least a couple of reasons. One is that if you approach women trying NOT to get rejected, you will be passive and indirect. Women will pick up on this. On the other hand, approaching women trying to get them to reject you makes you seem bold and confident. Even women who aren’t available find this energy attractive.
The second reason this assignment is so powerful is that when you TRY and get rejected, your anxiety level actually starts going down. The more your anxiety goes down, the more likely you are to interact with women, test for interest, and set the tone and take the lead. This creates a positive feedback loop. As you feel more confident, you approach more women. You approach more women, you get more confidence.
Getting rejected starts to feel like a game. I’ve gone out some nights with the goal of getting rejected five times before the night was over. Not only did I have a surprising amount of fun, but I also interacted with women I normally wouldn’t have. I’ve had so much success at times that I’ve never actually gotten five rejections!
As you let go of attachment to outcome and try and get rejected, you will more effectively test and be able to set the tone and take the lead. Women will be attracted to your confidence and masculine strength, and most importantly, you will avoid becoming the dreaded girlfriend with a penis!
Chapter 15: Learn and Practice the Secrets of Natural Players
Most men quit testing before a woman quits showing high interest.
The information in this chapter has the potential to change your life. It has changed mine as well as the lives of countless other bad daters.
When I started dating after my divorce in 2003, I had no idea how to find out if a woman liked me or how to tell if she was in a relationship. I had no clue how or when to ask for her phone number or whether or not to ask her out. I assumed that all of these things required lots of luck, E.S.P., or some skill that my parents just didn’t pass on to me.
“Did I read that right? Was she flirting or just being friendly?”
“She doesn’t have a ring on, but what if I come on to her and find out she is in a relationship?”
“What if I ask her out and she says no. I’ll look foolish.”
As a result, I felt unsure and anxious about h
ow to interact with women. Therefore, I typically did nothing. If I did engage, I did it indirectly, subtly, and ineffectively.
In my research on dating skills, I came across the concept of testing for interest and I began experimenting with women I met.
Before long, all of the questions and doubts I previously had about approaching women began to fade. Most importantly, once I developed an understanding of testing for interest, interacting with women and dating became unbelievably easy!
Every time I teach the concept of testing for interest to men who historically have been bad daters, their response is always something like, “That’s simple, I can do that!”
If you have been a bad dater all of your life, I know this sounds impossible. But I promise you, once you understand how to test for interest, you will be transformed into a man who can get phone numbers within minutes and do it several times in an evening. I am still amazed at how easy it is once you know what you are doing.
The Secret
The secret of testing for interest is simply this:
•Every interaction you have with a woman is a test of her interest in interacting with you.
•Testing has only one purpose – to check for interest level.
•A woman either has high interest or low interest in interacting with you. That is all you have to find out.
•A woman’s response isn’t personal. If a woman responds with low interest, you don’t have to figure out why, it doesn’t matter.
•Testing tends to raise a woman’s interest level.
•Testing allows you to get to rejection quickly. You don’t waste time and money or miss out on the opportunity to test other women who might have higher interest.
•There is no middle ground, a woman has either high or low interest in interacting with you (don’t make this complicated).
It’s that simple, there is nothing complex. No mind reading, no guessing, nothing else to figure out.
When you test a woman for interest, you are not trying to find out if she likes you. You are not giving her the power to accept or “reject” you.
Dating Essentials for Men Page 15