by JD Hawkins
Toby finally swallows his chicken and starts speaking.
“Why do you women always do this?” he says, his gaze switching from Maeve to me. “You’re treating this guy like he’s the Da Vinci Code when you don’t even know what you want yourself. Mia, sis, do you want to sleep with this guy again, or don’t you?”
The fact that Maeve doesn’t offer a snippy response to this, but instead turns to me, curious for my answer, makes me think that this is the question I’ve been unconsciously struggling to answer for weeks now.
I open my mouth to say something, but my mind is blank for an answer. I look away, frown down at my pad thai, and try to concentrate.
“I want…” A long time passes but neither of them says anything. “I want… I want… I think I want…”
At the same time, Toby drops back into the chair, looking up at the heavens imploringly, while Maeve lets out a sigh and drops her chopsticks on her plate. Both of them expressing their exasperation with me at the same time.
“Okay! Okay!” I say, holding my hand out, suddenly realizing that I might be the problem I’m trying to solve after all. “You know what I want? I want for him not to be a colleague so I don’t have to worry about fucking or even dating him. So that any decision I make isn’t going to get me fired or frowned upon.
“I want for us to be just two people who met in a normal way and followed a normal, stereotypical relationship path. I want for him not to have all this baggage from the past, and I want to be able to know whether he just wants to fuck me or actually be with me, and for me to be able to fuck him and be with him until I figure out whether I want to stay with him. Is that too much to ask?”
There’s a second of silence. Maeve and Toby turn to each other, and a moment later break into hysterical laughter. Toby spilling chicken over my table, Maeve clutching her throat as if it might explode. I wave my hand in the air in defeat and refocus on my noodles while they get it all out of their system.
“Jesus Christ, Mia,” Toby says, palm to his forehead. “And to think I keep coming to you for advice.
“Welcome to the world of sex and dating, honey,” Maeve says. “We’ve missed you. You’re gonna hate it here.”
I let them get a few more giggles out and then glumly say, “Thanks for the help, guys.”
Toby sobers up just enough to lean forward and look at me sympathetically.
“Sis, listen, I just think it’s cute. You really want my advice? I say forget this guy. If you’re this fucked up over it all now, it can only get worse if you keep it going. Like you said—too many red flags, too many things to worry about, too many problems. Just make a decision to put it behind you and stick to it. Go meet some other guys. Come out with me and party a little bit. A year from now you’ll look back and laugh at how bent out of shape you felt right now.”
I look up at him and find myself smiling. Right or wrong, I know he’s saying what he thinks is best for me.
“That’s very sweet,” Maeve says, smiling warmly at us both before shaking her head. “But it’s not going to happen. Sooner or later your hands are going to accidentally touch over the ultrasound machine and this whole drama is going to play out all over again. You’ve got to get some closure over this.
“Spend a weekend with him. Carry out an affair with him. Follow this until you figure out where it’s going, and don’t worry about your job—you’re the kind of doctor any hospital in the country would waive the rules for—and honestly, you’ve already given so much of your life to work, it’s time to take some back for yourself.”
Both of them continue to look at me, unconsciously making some truce amongst themselves not to argue, and leaving it up to me.
I look from one to the other, grateful to have such a supportive brother, such a loyal friend.
“Thanks,” I say to them both. “This was really helpful.”
The truth is, I’m just as confused as I was before—but at least I feel a little better.
17
Colin
I can hardly look at her. It almost hurts. Catching a glimpse of her red hair in my periphery as she turns down a corridor feels like a punch in the guts, a stab in the side. They tell you that time heals, but they don’t ever tell you how time can hurt.
One week. Two weeks. Now it’s been three weeks since she was in my apartment, her head on my chest, since I felt that profound satisfaction. And it’s only slipping further into the past. No man can turn the clock back—and the more it ticks, the more I realize that’s all I want to do.
It starts to feel less like a memory, and more like a daydream I concocted. Maybe a glimpse into some alternate reality that I’m unlucky enough to have missed. The smell of strawberry bubblegum in the kid’s ward. A Tolstoy novel some patient forgot on a waiting room chair. Overtaking a Miata on my way to work.
Even when she’s not around, she’s still in my head.
Am I catching feelings? I don’t really care anymore. I’m beyond trying to figure out if Mia’s got me feeling a lust I’ve never felt, or if it’s something deeper. The truth is that I’d do it all again and screw the regulations. Screw the gossip and the potential that it could all blow up. My need for her is greater than all of that, but there’s a bigger problem now.
Saskia.
Not so much what she would do to me, but what she would do to Mia.
I stop pacing down a corridor when I hear the sound of music coming from a room, a choir-like voice over an electronic piano. I hover at the door, looking through the porthole, and let myself smile as I watch the two kids rehearse. Veronica and Jamie, practicing their song. She stumbles over a chord on the piano and tries to play it again, then again, halting the song as she struggles to nail it. Both of them dissolving into giggles.
I push open the door and step inside.
“Doctor Pierce!” Jamie says from the bed, smiling bigger than I’ve ever seen him. “Where were you?”
I haven’t dropped by while he’s been awake for a week. I can’t exactly tell him why. “Hey kid, sorry, but my psychotic ex has just followed me here to become my new boss. And now she’s got me working double-shifts and wasting most of my time on pointless meetings and irrelevant paperwork so that she can grind me down. She’s also making sure that I’m only on shifts with male nurses, and sending me on every pointless ‘employee training’ course she can find. I’m afraid as a kid in need of plenty of attention, you’ve been shunted down the list of priorities, beneath ‘revenge,’ ‘punishment,’ and ‘expressions of insanity.’”
“I didn’t want to spoil the surprise for myself,” I say cheerily, as I check over his reports.
Veronica’s a shy girl, and she’s sitting in front of her little keyboard which is set up on the side of Jamie’s bed.
“Hello, Veronica,” I say, ticking off a few things.
“Hello,” she says meekly.
I finish my checkups and then lean over her on the keyboard.
“That seventh you’re struggling with would be easier if you play the three-note version. Like this.”
I show her how to do it, and then gesture for her to try. She gets the basic pretty quickly.
“You can play piano, Doctor Pierce?” Jamie asks with such a sense of awe I almost feel embarrassed.
“I took a few lessons—but I was never as good as Veronica, unfortunately.”
Veronica hides under her long blonde hair and plays the chord a few times.
“How are you—”
But I’m interrupted by the door slamming open. An exhausted-looking nurse leaning inside.
“Doctor Pierce, Saskia wants to see you.”
I look up at the young guy, doing a poor job of hiding my instant irritation. “Okay. When I’m done here I’ll—”
“She said immediately, and not to take no for an answer. Sorry.” He shrugs.
I clench my jaw and look away so that the nurse doesn’t feel like I’m angry at the messenger. He looks as frustrated with her as I am.
“I’ll drop by later, okay, Jamie?”
The kid nods, and I pat Veronica on the head as I leave the bedside and make for the bitch’s office.
Since she arrived, Saskia and I have only interacted in meetings with other people—and even then only via glares and looks. A few curt exchanges (more like confrontations) as we’ve passed in the halls. This will be the first time we’re alone together since she arrived, and though I’ve been expecting this moment, I’m still not quite sure how it’ll go. I stop for a second to check my phone, then march to her office feeling like I’m on death row.
I don’t knock when I reach her door. I just push it open and shut it behind me. It’s worse than I expected.
There she is. Leaning back on her desk to give me a full view. Black leather pencil skirt. White blouse. High-heeled boots that look like weapons. Long legs crossed at the ankle. Once upon a time she would have driven me crazy looking like this—she’d drive any red-blooded male crazy—but now her long legs and the way that skirt hugs her toned thighs just looks like a warning to me. One I wish I’d recognized before any of this even started.
She looks up from her phone, smile framed by her art deco haircut, then puts the phone on the desk. Arms out to the sides she leans back a little, casual as anything.
“Well hello hello, Doctor Pierce.” She smiles happily, though she can’t even feign being nice without a little edge in her voice. “Take a seat.”
“No thanks. I’ll stand.”
She laughs gently. “Come on, Colin. Don’t pretend there’s any fight left in you.”
“Is that what you’re looking for? A sense of victory?”
“Oh I’m well beyond that, Colin.”
I say nothing for a moment, then impatiently shift on my feet and sigh.
“Look,” I say firmly, “if this doesn’t have anything to do with the hospital, my duties, or my position here then I don’t have to stay.”
“It does.”
“How?”
“You’re my employee now,” she gloats.
“I don’t feel like an employee.”
“Consider it a review then.”
“Okay. Go ahead and review me.”
Saskia pauses, her smile taking on a meaner line. “I’ve been having a lot of fun meeting everyone here, Colin. You know what question I’ve been entertaining myself with? ‘Which one does Colin have his eye on?’”
“This doesn’t sound like a professional review.”
“That blonde nurse, Deanna, she’s very sexy, isn’t she? But no…not enough of a challenge for you. Maybe her more innocent friend, Sylvie. Yeah. I can imagine how much you’d like to play the sex educator to a pretty little thing like that. Alison, too—although I think she probably really is a virgin.”
“This is all extremely inappropriate,” I say.
“Beatrice—now there’s a woman you would go for. Sexy and smart, confident enough not to swoon at your feet. A nice challenge. I’ll have to keep my eye on her. Or perhaps that redhead who’s always rushing around. Not an obvious beauty, but she’s got something. Fantastic tits. You’ve noticed them too, right, Colin?”
I keep my poker face intact. Saskia pushes herself off the desk and walks toward me with catwalk confidence. A female version of absolute swagger.
“No…no,” she says, relishing the words, the fact I’m forced to listen to them. “You’ve probably learned your lesson. You’ll probably just stick to the lonely single mothers of your patients. Any big-eyelashed whore you catch in the waiting room at the end of your shift…”
“We’re done here. I’ve got things to do,” I say, turning back to the door.
“You leave right now,” Saskia says quickly and authoritatively, “and I’ll fire you. You know I can do that now.”
I stop just to look back over my shoulder and show her my amusement.
“So fire me,” I say, my hand going to the door handle.
She’s not so composed now. She’s almost manic as she rushes over, shoving herself between me and the door, her angular face now softened by desperation.
“Wait! Colin. Don’t go,” she cries, swinging into frantic fear as she presses her back up against the door. She puts a hand on my chest as if it would actually stop me. “Please, Colin. Please… Why are you doing this to me?”
If I didn’t already know that Saskia was absolutely insane, I’d be confused by the question.
“I’m not doing anything,” I say calmly. “You’re the one who just switched jobs so that you could have me filling out legal liability forms for fourteen-hour shifts in a room without windows.”
“Because I love you, Colin.”
I let out an incredulous laugh.
“It’s true!” she insists, and she’s even more frightening than when she was playing the hardass.
“The only thing you love is power, Saskia. And the only reason you’re obsessed with me is because I’m the only person who ever took it from you.”
“No no no, Colin,” she says, wincing and shaking her head, hand in her hair. “It’s not like that.”
“Yes, Saskia. You don’t even know what love is.”
She laughs, even in her hopeless, pathetic state. “And you do?”
“Yeah.” For some reason, Mia’s face flashes through my mind.
“Okay then, what is it?”
I look away and take a deep breath, wondering how the hell I’m going to get out of this. How the hell I’m going to handle the fact that this will probably become a regular occurrence, Saskia calling me into her office at all hours to play these games.
“Go on,” she insists. “Tell me.”
“Love is…” I sigh heavily again, wondering why I’m even entertaining the question.
What is it… Maneuvering so that you can get close to someone? Being unable to stop thinking about them? Judging everything you do by whether it affects them? Preventing them from leaving?
Saskia’s done all of those things, but the thing I suddenly realize is that so have I…
I look her in the eyes, and they widen. Her lips part as if anticipating something good from me. All I can think about is how much I hate her. About how different she is from Mia. And how Mia, by being the polar opposite of her, has only made me realize even more profoundly how much I never want to see or deal with Saskia again.
“Love…it’s supposed to make your life feel better, not worse,” I say, anger rising as I think back on my relationship with Saskia, and what a nightmare it was. “Love is attraction, yes, but it’s also mutual respect and trust. And the absence of manipulation or selfishness. It’s realizing you care more about someone else’s well-being than your own, and supporting their decisions—even if those decisions don’t benefit you.” My voice gets an edge to it as I start to get more and more worked up. “Knowing you’re a better person for being with someone, but also knowing it’s that person’s choice to be a part of your life or not, and that you can’t blackmail or intimidate or force them into it. You have to just…give your heart with no expectations. Hold out your hand, and hope the other person takes it.”
Suddenly, Saskia’s hands are on mine, snapping me out of my musing. It’s obvious my little speech has had an effect on her, though not in the way I intended. She’s looking up at me with glazed-over doe eyes, her chin up, head tilted back. Jesus.
“Saskia—”
“Just kiss me,” she murmurs, her parted lips guiding themselves toward mine as her eyes close.
There’s absolutely nothing I’d rather do less.
I push her firmly aside, fling open her office door, and stalk down the hallway.
“Colin! Where are you going? Wait!”
But I don’t slow my stride. I don’t even look back.
18
Mia
It was an honest mistake. Or perhaps an unconscious attempt at something. Either way, it’s not until I’ve parked my car and I’m heading to the locker room to start a shift that I realize I’m wearing Colin’s shirt over m
y typical tank-and-jeans combo.
Wearing it around my apartment had been a guilty pleasure, one that quickly became a habit. I’ve inhaled all of his cologne from the shirt now, and I even ordered matching buttons online to fix the missing ones where he’d torn it apart. The past couple of times I wore it I had told myself it was just a really nice shirt that fit me well, and that I was in no way wearing it because it was the closest I could come to him. I told myself that, but I’m a terrible liar, and didn’t believe it for more than a second.
Now here I am, walking into work with people all around me, wearing what feels like a scarlet letter. Evidence right there for all to see—for him to see.
Calm down, Mia. Nobody knows it’s his shirt. Nobody but him. But if he sees me… What the hell is he going to think?
I scan the lobby and then the hall before entering it, just in case Colin is there. The chances are slim—our schedules haven’t matched up for days, and he’s been moved back into the closet office, but still…the fact that I haven’t even caught a glimpse of him in passing is starting to make me suspicious.
I think about taking the shirt off right there, but then figure I should just make a dash for the locker room. I have my hand on the knob when a voice stops me at the door.
“Morning, Doctor Taylor, how are you?”
I spin around to see the new administrator there, looking every bit an authority figure despite her short skirt and designer boots.
“Good. Thank you. Just starting my shift.”
She smiles and nods pleasantly, but she’s got a way of commanding with her eyes, and I know instantly that she’s not done with me yet.
“Things going well in the maternity ward?”
“Yeah—as far as I left them yesterday,” I say. “We’ll probably have to induce a labor today. And we’re monitoring a preemie, but it’s more precautionary at this point.”
“Excellent,” she says conclusively, but her eyes scan me up and down, telling me there’s something more. “I went through some of your proposal—not all of it—but what I read was very good. A lot to think about. Some interesting suggestions.”