Chapter XXXV
In which the agency of a red-herring is again introduced into ourwonderful history.
We are somewhat inclined to moralise. We did not intend to write thisday. On the contrary, we had arranged for a party of pleasure andrelaxation, in which the heels, and every other portion of the bodyupwards, except the brain, were to be employed, and that was to have arespite. The morning was fair, and we promised ourselves amusement, butwe were deceived, and we returned to our task, as the rain poured downin torrents, washing the dirty face of mother earth. Yes, deceived; andhere we cannot help observing, that this history of ours is a very truepicture of human life--for what a complication of treachery does itnot involve!
Smallbones is deceiving his master, Mr Vanslyperken--the corporal isdeceiving Mr Vanslyperken--the widow is deceiving Mr Vanslyperken, so isBabette, and the whole crew of the _Yungfrau_. Ramsay is deceiving hishost and his mistress. All the Jacobites, in a mass, are plottingagainst and deceiving the government, and as for Mr Vanslyperken; as itwill soon appear, he is deceiving everybody, and will ultimately deceivehimself. The only honest party in the whole history is the one mosthated, as generally is the case in this world--I mean Snarleyyow. Thereis no deceit about him, and therefore, _par excellence_, he is fairlyentitled to be the hero of, and to give his name to, the work. The nextmost honest party in the book is Wilhelmina; all the other women, exceptlittle Lilly, are cheats and impostors--and Lilly is too young; ourreaders may, therefore, be pleased to consider Snarleyyow andWilhelmina as the hero and the heroine of the tale, and then it willleave one curious feature in it, the principals will not only not beunited, but the tale will wind up without their ever seeing each other._Allons en avant_.
But of all the treachery practised by all the parties, it certainlyappears to us that the treachery of the widow was the most odious anddiabolical. She was like a bloated spider, slowly entwining thosethreads for her victim which were to entrap him to his destruction, forshe had vowed that she never would again be led to the hymeneal altaruntil Mr Vanslyperken was hanged. Perhaps, the widow Vandersloosh was ina hurry to be married, at least, by her activity, it would soappear--but let us not anticipate.
The little sofa was fortunately like its build, strong as a cob, or itnever could have borne the weight of two such lovers as the widowVandersloosh and the Corporal Van Spitter; there they sat, she radiantwith love and beer, he with ditto; their sides met, for the sofa exactlytook them both in, without an inch to spare; their hands met, their eyesmet, and whenever one raised the glass, the other was on the alert, andtheir glasses met and jingled--a more practical specimen of hob and nobwas never witnessed. There was but one thing wanting to complete theirhappiness, which, unlike other people's, did not hang upon a thread, butsomething much stronger, it hung upon a cord; the cord which was to hangMr Vanslyperken.
And now the widow, like the three fates rolled into one, is weaving thewoof, and, in good Dutch, is pouring into the attentive ear of thecorporal her hopes and fears, her surmises, her wishes, heranticipations, and her desires--and he imbibes them all greedily,washing them down with the beer of the widow's own brewing.
"He has not been to the house opposite these two last arrivals," saidthe widow, "that is certain; for Babette and I have been on the watch.There was hanging matter there. Now I won't believe but that he must gosomewhere; he carries his letters, and takes his gold as before, dependupon it. Yes, and I will find it out. Yes, yes, Mr Vanslyperken, we willsee who is the 'cutest--you, or the widow Vandersloosh."
"Mein Gott, yes!" replied the corporal.
"Now he landed a passenger last time, which he called a king'smessenger, and I am as sure as I sit here that he was no king'smessenger, unless he was one of King James's as was; for look you,Corporal Van Spitter, do you suppose that King William would employ anEnglishman, as you say he was, for a messenger, when a Dutchman was tobe had for love or money?"
"No, no, we must find out where he goes to. I will have some one on thelook out when you come again, and then set Babette on the watch; sheshall track him up to the den of his treachery. Yes, yes, MrVanslyperken, we will see who gains the day, you or the widowVandersloosh."
"Mein Gott! yes," replied the corporal.
"And now, corporal, I've been thinking over all this ever since yourabsence, and all you have told me about his cowardly attempts upon thatpoor boy's life, and his still greater cowardice in believing such stuffas you have made him believe about the lad not being injured by mortalman. Stuff and nonsense! the lad is but a lad."
"Mein Gott! yes," said the corporal.
"And now, corporal, I'll tell you something else, which is, that you andthe _Yungfraus_ are just as great fools as Mynheer Vanslyperken, inbelieving all that stuff and nonsense about the dog. The dog is buta dog."
This was rather a trial to the corporal's politeness; to deny what thewidow said, might displease, and, as he firmly believed otherwise, hewas put to a nonplus; but the widow looked him full in the face,expecting assent, so at last the corporal drawled out, "Mein Gott! yes atog is but a tog."
The widow was satisfied, and not perceiving the nice distinction,continued.
"Well, then, corporal, as a lad is but a lad, and a dog is but a dog, Ihave been setting my wits to work about getting the rascally traitor inmy power. I mean to pretend to take every interest in him, and to getall his secrets, and then, when he tells me that Smallbones cannot behurt by mortal man, I shall say he can by woman, at all events; and thenI shall make a proposition, which he'll accept fast enough, and thenI'll have more hanging matter for him, besides getting rid of the cur.Yes, yes, Mr Vanslyperken, match a woman if you can. We'll see if yourdog is to take possession of my bedroom again."
"Mein Gott! yes," replied the corporal again.
"And now I'll tell you what I'll do, Mr Corporal; I will prepare itmyself; and, then, Mr Vanslyperken shall have it grilled for hisbreakfast, and then he shall not eat it, but leave it for Smallbones,and then Smallbones shall pretend to eat it, but put it in his pocket,and then (for it won't do to do it on board, or he'll find out that thelad has given it to the dog) he shall bring it on shore, and give it tothe dog here in the yard, so that he shall kill the dog himself, bywishing to kill others. Do you understand, corporal?"
"Mein Gott! yes, I understand what you say; but what is it that you areto prepare?"
"What? why, a red-herring to be sure."
"But how will a red-herring kill a body or a dog?"
"Lord, corporal, how stupid you are; I'm to put arsenic in."
"Yes; but you left that out till now."
"Did I? well, that was an oversight; but now, corporal, you understandit all?"
"Mein Gott! yes; but if the lad does not die, what will he think?"
"Think! that he can take poison like pea-soup, without injury, and thatneither man nor woman can take his life; be afraid of the lad, and leavehim alone."
"Mein Gott! yes," replied the rather obtuse corporal, who nowunderstood the whole plot.
Such was the snare laid for Mr Vanslyperken by the treacherous widow,and before the cutter sailed, it was put in execution. She received thelieutenant now as an accepted lover, allowed him to talk of the day,wormed out of him all his secrets except that of his treason, abusedSmallbones, and acknowledged that she had been too hasty about the dog,which she would be very happy to see on shore. Vanslyperken could hardlybelieve his senses--the widow forgive Snarleyyow, and all for his sake,he was delighted, enchanted, threw himself at her feet, and vowedeternal gratitude with his lips--but vengeance in his heart.
Oh! Mr Vanslyperken, you deserved to be deceived.
The dislike expressed by the widow against Smallbones was also veryagreeable to the lieutenant, and he made her his confidant, stating whatthe corporal had told him relative to the appearance of Smallbones whenhe was adrift.
"Well then, lieutenant," said the widow, "if mortal man can't hurt him,mortal woman may; and for my love for you I will prepare what will ridyou of him.
But, Vanslyperken, recollect there's nothing I would not dofor you; but if it were found out--O dear! O dear!"
The widow then informed him that she would prepare a red-herring witharsenic, which he should take on board, and order Smallbones to grillfor his breakfast; that he was to pretend not to be well, and to allowit to be taken away by the lad, who would, of course, eat itfast enough.
"Excellent!" replied Vanslyperken, who felt not only that he should getrid of Smallbones, but have the widow in his power. "Dearest widow, howcan I be sufficiently grateful? Oh! how kind, how amiable you are!"continued Vanslyperken, mumbling her fat fingers, which the widowabandoned to him without reserve.
Who would have believed that, between these two, there existed a deadlyhatred? We might imagine such a thing to take place in the refinementand artificial air of a court, but not in a Dutch Lust Haus atAmsterdam. That evening, before his departure, did the widow present herswain with the fatal herring; and the swain received it with as manymarks of gratitude and respect, as some knight in ancient times wouldhave shown when presented with some magical gift by hisfavouring genius.
The red-herring itself was but a red-herring, but the charm consisted inthe two-pennyworth of arsenic.
The next morning Vanslyperken did not fail to order the red-herring forhis breakfast, but took good care not to eat it.
Smallbones, who had been duly apprised of the whole plan, asked hismaster, as he cleared away, whether he should keep the red-herring forthe next day; but Mr Vanslyperken very graciously informed him that hemight eat it himself. About an hour afterwards Mr Vanslyperken went onshore, taking with him, for the first time, Snarleyyow, and desiringSmallbones to come with him, with a bag of biscuit for the widow. Thisplan had been proposed by the widow, as Smallbones might be supposed tohave eaten something on shore. Smallbones took as good care as hismaster not to eat the herring, but put it in his pocket as a _bonnebouche_ for Snarleyyow. Mr Vanslyperken, as they pulled on shore,thought that the lad smelt very strong of herring, and this satisfiedhim that he had eaten it; but to make more sure, he exclaimed, "Confoundit, how you smell of red-herring!"
"That's all along of having eaten one, sir," replied Smallbones,grinning.
"You'll grin in another way before an hour is over," thought his master.
The lieutenant, the dog, and the biscuit were all graciously received.
"Has he eaten it?" inquired the widow.
"Yes," replied Vanslyperken, with a nod. "Empty the bag, and I will sendhim on board again."
"Not yet, not yet--give him half an hour to saunter, it will be better.That poor dog of yours must want a little grass," said the widow,"always being on board. Let him run a little in the yard, he will findplenty there."
The obedient lieutenant opened the back-door, and Snarleyyow, who hadnot forgotten either the widow Or Babette, went out of his own accord.Mr Vanslyperken looked to ascertain if the yard-door, which led to thestreet, was fast, and then returned, shutting the back-door after him.
Smallbones was waiting at the porch as usual.
"Babette," cried the widow, "mind you don't open the yard-door and letMr Vanslyperken's dog out. Do you hear?"
Smallbones, who understood this as the signal, immediately slippedround, opened the yard-door, took the herring out of his pocket, andthrew it to Snarleyyow. The dog came to it, smelt it, seized it, andwalked off, with his ears and tail up, to the sunny side of the yard,intending to have a good meal; and Smallbones, who was afraid of MrVanslyperken catching him in the act, came out of the yard, and hastenedto his former post at the porch. He caught Babette's eye, coming downstairs, and winked and smiled. Babette walked into the room, caught theeye of the mistress, and winked and smiled. Upon which, the widowordered Babette to empty the bread-bag and give it to Smallbones, totake on board,--an order repeated by Vanslyperken. Before he returned tothe boat, Smallbones again passed round to the yard-door. Snarleyyow wasthere, but no signs of the red-herring. "He's a eaten it all, by gum,"said Smallbones, grinning, and walking away to the boat, with thebread-bag over his shoulder. As soon as he had arrived on board, the ladcommunicated the fact to the crew of the _Yungfrau_, whose spirits wereraised by the intelligence, with the exception still of old Coble, whoshook his head, and declared, "It was twopence and a red-herringthrown away."
Mr Vanslyperken returned on board in the afternoon, fully expecting tohear of Smallbones being very ill. He was surprised that the man in theboat did not tell him, and he asked them carelessly if there wasanything new on board, but received a reply in the negative. When hecame on board, followed by Snarleyyow, the eyes of the crew weredirected towards the dog, to see how he looked; but he appeared just aslively and as cross-grained as ever, and they all shook their heads.
Vanslyperken sent for Smallbones, and looked him hard in the face."Ar'n't you well?" inquired he.
"Well, sir!" replied Smallbones: "I'd a bit of a twinge in my stummickthis morning, but it's all gone off now."
Mr Vanslyperken waited the whole day for Smallbones to die, but he didnot. The crew of the vessel waited the whole day for the cur to die, buthe did not. What inference could be drawn. The crew made up their mindsthat the dog was supernatural; and old Coble told them that he told themso. Mr Vanslyperken made up his mind that Smallbones was supernatural,and the corporal shook his head, and told him that he told him so.
The reason why Snarleyyow did not die was simply this, that he did noteat the red-herring. He had just laid it between his paws, and was aboutto commence, when Smallbones, having left the yard-door open in hishurry, the dog was perceived by a dog bigger than he, who happened topass that way, and who pounced upon Snarleyyow, trampling him over andover, and walked off with the red-herring, which he had better have leftalone, as he was found dead the next morning.
The widow heard, both from the corporal and Vanslyperken, the failure ofboth their projects. That Smallbones was not poisoned she was notsurprised to hear, but she took care to agree with Vanslyperken that allattempts upon him were useless; but that the dog still lived was indeeda matter of surprise, and the widow became a convert to the corporal'sopinion that the dog was not to be destroyed.
"A whole two-pennyworth of arsenic! Babette, only think what a cur itmust be!" And Babette, as well as her mistress, lifted up her hands inamazement, exclaiming, "What a cur indeed!"
Snarleyyow, or, the Dog Fiend Page 36