by Sarah Noffke
“The walls here aren’t soundproof.”
“What does that have to do with anything? I’m not yelling,” I say.
“When you left my lab last time, I heard what you said after you shut my door.”
That memory rises from the deepest layers of my skin. I remember standing on the other side of his lab door, touching it, speaking those three tortured words. Embarrassment quickly morphs into aggravation at my own idiocy.
“Roya.” Aiden closes his eyes for a half beat. When they open, the look in them is a forbidden one between us. One I should look away from immediately. “I love you too,” he says, like it’s a curse.
“Aiden––”
“If we could be together…Would you still want to?” he asks, and the question unleashes an angry dragon inside me.
“Are you intentionally trying to torture me?”
“No, I’m sorry,” he says, massaging his temples like he suddenly has a headache. “After my parents died I went back and watched them die over and over again.” Aiden doesn’t look at me during this intimate admission until the last word. Then I see something in him uncovered for the first time. Sorrow. “I’m telling you this because something sick in me has to experience loss over and over until I exhaust the pain.”
“Us not being together is nothing like losing your parents.”
“No it’s not,” he admits. “But still, I have that same unhealthy urge to keep cutting myself with the loss. I know we can’t be together. Still, I only feel whole when I torture myself with the unattainable possibility.”
In the midst of all of these strange topics, there’s one question that begs the loudest. “How did your parents die?”
“Two of Chase’s minions killed them. Twins.”
“Meat heads,” I say, remembering the guys from my dream.
“Yeah,” he says, looking off, a sad smile on his face. “You’re really plugged in, aren’t you?”
“Lucid dreaming makes for a good channel.” I’m not sure why I cross the distance, but I do until we’re only separated by two feet.
“The Voyageurs wanted to know how to dream travel into the Institute,” Aiden says.
“Your parents wouldn’t tell them?”
“No. They knew that that piece of information would endanger everyone.”
“Why didn’t they just dream travel away? Escape?”
“My father was a Middling. Yeah, I’m a mutt.” Aiden laughs, like this is a funny moment. “Definitely no royal blood in me. My father was one of the US government employees who first worked here. Later, he was the only Middling who stayed. He’d fallen in love with Mom and Flynn let him stay, but it meant it was difficult to leave which is why I was raised here. They had taken a rare vacation away, leaving me with Mae. That’s when the Voyageurs took them. Tortured them….Killed them.”
Reflexively, I take his hand in mine. He grips it back.
“And your mother stayed with your father? She didn’t dream travel away?”
“No,” he says at once, like the idea was preposterous. “I don’t think she could bear to live without him. No two people were more connected than my parents. Their love is what made this science department what it is today.”
“So that’s why you love your work so much,” I state, the idea crashing down on me like blocks, followed by a rainstorm of guilt.
He nods, a beautiful pain in his eyes.
“I’m sorry I ever asked you to sacrifice this all for me,” I say, sweeping my arm around, gesturing at his lab.
He clutches my fingers with a new intensity. Pulls my hand closer to him. “You’re the only reason I’ve ever considered losing anything.”
“But you have to stop torturing yourself. I’m not worth it.” I squeeze his hand once and let go.
“I’m afraid I can’t make that promise,” Aiden says, plucking my bracelet from the counter. He grabs my hand, clamping my bracelet on my wrist. His thumb presses into my palm before he lets go. “My parents taught me about two things: science and love. Neither will I forget so easily.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
The button is under my finger when Joseph’s angry voice gives me pause. “I can’t give you what you want, don’t you see that!? You’re just wasting your time!”
A cold chuckle. “Asking you to be who you are is a waste of time, huh?” Trent says. “Get back to me in a few years and let me know how that worked out for you.”
Joseph and I are scheduled to meet in this classroom to train privately, since we don’t want anyone to know we’re planning on fighting Zhuang. What’s Trent doing here?
“It’s so easy for you to pass judgment on me, isn’t it? You’ve done what I can’t do, but I remember when you were just as insecure about people knowin’ you’re gay.”
I know it’s wrong to eavesdrop. Pressing my ear more firmly to the door I bury my conscience under my own curiosity.
“Yeah, it was last month. I’m not acting all high and mighty. All I’m asking is for you to do the same thing. I’m telling you that it makes you feel better. You drop the act and along with it the weight of all the pressure.”
“Right, and how ’bout all those people who whisper when you enter the main hall?”
“They’re whispering because they’re girls who can’t have me anymore, men who are glad I’m no longer competition, or guys who are interested. That’s why they’re whispering.”
“You’re ridiculous,” Joseph laughs, sounding half amused and half irritated.
“But you know I’m not interested in anyone else, don’t you?”
“I can’t give you what you want,” Joseph enunciates each word.
“But you want to, don’t you?” There’s a small plea in Trent’s voice.
“What I want and what I have to do are incongruent. Sometimes you don’t get to be who you are.”
His words make my heart feel stale, like a piece of bread left out, easily crumbled into bits.
“Don’t you see that everyone’s going to accept you no matter what? People here don’t care about that kind of thing, and everybody’s already totally endeared to you.”
“Maybe they used to be, but I spoiled my reputation.”
“Nobody knows about that.”
“No, they just know I disappeared and when I returned I looked as wasted away as a drug addict. I hear the rumors. My mystery is the only thing preservin’ my ego at this point.”
“Damn it, Joe! Why does everything always have to be about you!?”
“Because this is about me and all the stupid things I do. We wouldn’t be having this fight if I kept my mouth shut,” Joseph says, regret billowing from his words.
“You think I didn’t know that you loved me before you said it!?”
“I think I gave you the wrong impression when I did. I made you think we have a future.”
“And why don’t we?”
“Because I can’t risk anyone finding out.”
I jump from a sudden loud crash against the wall. “To hell with everyone else already!”
“Damn…gettin’ in an argument with a telekinetic is dangerous,” Joseph says, sounding strangely impressed.
“I wasn’t aiming at you.”
“Well, you’re gonna have to pick that chair up.”
Something scrapes along the wall. The noise is followed by a soft thud. “There,” Trent says dully.
“While you’re at it, you mind sendin’ my drink over here? I don’t feel like gettin’ up.”
“Can you just be serious for one minute?”
“Ha!” Joseph says without enthusiasm. “That coming from you is hilarious.”
“Look, Joe, if you can’t do what I’ve asked then stay away from me. That’s my level-headed request and I’m not budging on it.”
Joseph laughs like Trent just told a joke. “So you really think we should go public about our relationship?” Another laugh.
“Yes.”
“T, I’m a shadow to my sister and a disgrace t
o my father. Why would you want that?”
“Because...you’re the only person who’s ever owned my attention. Accosted it unfairly. And here I stand asking you to love me back. It’s all I want.”
“I told you this was a waste of time. I can’t give you what you want.”
Silence. Hurried footsteps. I take three quick steps back and drop to the floor, pretending to tie my shoe. “Oh hey, Trent,” I say when he enters the hallway.
A fake smile layers over the anguish I saw initially. “Well, hey there, Roya. Tell me, when you and Joe were in the womb, did he hoard most of the space? That’s what I’d expect from a selfish jerk.”
“You know, he probably did, but my memories as a fetus are kind of fuzzy.”
He pats me on the shoulder as he passes. “Few have the wit to keep up with me. In another life, Roya, I’ll make you mine.”
“Well, then I’m going to start believing in reincarnation right now,” I sing, walking into the classroom and shutting the door behind me.
“How much you hear?” Joseph says, not looking up. Arms crossed, leaning against the far wall.
“Hear what?” I know it’s absurd to try and lie to Joseph, but what the hell.
“You’ve never been late a day in your life. It’s five after.”
“Well, I didn’t much think that barging in was a good idea—like you did to George and me the other day.”
“I wish you would have interrupted. That would have saved me.”
“Saved you from what? Yourself?”
“Oh, so you think I’m being heartless too?”
“I think you’re a chicken, and you’re going to only hurt yourself and the people you love if you keep down this path,” I say.
“You make it sound all tragic. That stuff you read makes you as brooding as a hen clucking after laying an egg.”
“And you’re so stubborn you can teach a pit bull a thing or two.” I close the distance between us, yanking one of Joseph’s arms down so they’re no longer tied across his chest. “You don’t stand in my shadow. It’s because of you that I can do anything of great significance. Actually, it’s because of you that I survived the Grotte and didn’t become Chase’s concubine.”
“Well, while all that’s true, it’s not the perception of the people around this place.”
“For the life me I can’t figure out why you give a damn what others think.”
“And sometimes I look at you with your ratty little ponytail and apathetic attitude and wonder how you don’t give more of a damn.”
“People either like you or they don’t. And honestly, what other people think about me really isn’t my concern.”
“You know, it’s probably your unlikability that makes everyone adore you so much. People love a challenge. Maybe I should try it and see if it works,” Joseph says.
“Just try being yourself. That would, no doubt, win over every person in a ten-mile radius.”
“Only ten?”
“And you’re not a disgrace to Trey.”
“Roya, how about you resurrect the man who’s gonna kill our father and get back to me on that opinion.”
I want to hug Joseph. Tell him that no matter what he does he can’t lose my love, but a dull pain in my chest waylays my attention. To feel someone else’s pain so acutely has a unique discomfort.
“Are we gonna train or would you like to spend the rest of the day berating me?” Joseph says.
“I’m not meaning to berate you.”
“Nah, you’re trying to help. I get it,” Joseph says, defeated. “Well, we’d better get started or we’ll be late for dinner with Trey.”
“What?!”
“Oh, yeah, I meant to tell you, he invited us to dinner tonight,” he says casually, like giving me the weather forecast.
“Where? The main hall? Chuck E. Cheese?”
“Nope.”
“Well, is he finally taking us to McDonald’s for an overdue Happy Meal?”
“Nope.” Joseph smiles for the first time since I entered the room.
“I give up.”
“He’s hosting us in his private quarters,” Joseph says proudly.
“Oh, gag.”
“Come on, Roya. That’s rude.”
“Do I have to be there? Can’t you make up some excuse for me like I’m hormonal and not fit for company?”
“That’s not a made-up excuse,” Joseph laughs and ducks from the hand targeted at his head. “It won’t be so bad, so just try and have a positive perspective.”
“Fine, however, if you’re too beat up from sparring to attend dinner then I don’t have to go either.”
“Don’t you worry ’bout that. I’ll go even with a broken limb.”
“Why?” I ask, befuddled.
“Because I like spendin’ time with him,” Joseph says in a rush.
“Oh God, you’ve been spending time together? What do you two do? Play catch? Collect stamps? Snipe hunt?”
“We talk,” he says. “He’s actually an easy person to talk to. He listens.”
“I listen,” I say, instantly offended.
“Yeah, but you’re different. You’re in my head. Sometimes it’s nice to have a more objective listener.”
“Well, now I really don’t understand how you’d think Trey sees you as a disgrace. If he did, he wouldn’t make the effort to spend time with you.”
“Yeah, I hope you’re right,” Joseph says with a sigh.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
“Maybe we should have brought something.” Joseph says, staring at Trey’s door like it’s made of crystal.
“What, like apple cider?” I ask.
“I dunno.” He raps at the door three times.
“I brought attitude. Will that do?”
Joseph narrows his eyes. “Try and behave yourself.”
“I’ll do no such thing. If you don’t like it then I’ll be leaving.” Seizing my golden opportunity I whip around and trot back down the Head Official’s rooming hallway, which was left open for us.
“Not so fast,” Joseph sings, jerking me by the wrist.
“Everything all right?” Trey asks from the open door.
Joseph’s face flushes red. “Yeah, Roya was just gonna run back and get the apple cider she forgot.”
“Although a thoughtful gesture, it’s not necessary,” Trey says to me, a cynical surprise on his face.
“Then I won’t worry about fetching the hash brownies Joseph made either,” I say, striding past my brother and into Trey’s quarters.
“What?!” Joseph startles behind me. “I made no such thing.”
“Well, he was going to, but he used up all the ingredients,” I say, swiveling my head over my shoulder in time to catch the look of humiliation on Joseph’s face.
Trey shakes his head, amusement hemming his turquoise eyes. “I know when she lies too, don’t worry,” he says, giving Joseph a consoling pat on the back.
What’s that supposed to mean? Have I lied to Trey? Probably.
I turn back around, busying myself, studying Trey’s living quarters, which are as expansive as a penthouse apartment. The hallway spills out into an oval-shaped living area complete with an oversized dark brown leather sofa, a six-candlestick chandelier wrapped in rope, curved bookshelves that line every single wall, and two doorways on either side of the room. Vintage books and colorful objects fill the shelves. My feet bring me to the nearest bookcase, my fingertips about to clutch an ancient copy of The Merchant of Venice.
“How about you follow me in here?” Trey says behind me.
Sliding my finger down the spine of the book, I turn, disappointed. “Sure.”
He strolls through one of the doorways and into a dining area, dimly lit by a few wall sconces. A large glass tabletop sits on a stunted column. Draped across it is a chain like one that might be used on a Navy ship. Each link is as large as my head. The far wall is adorned with a single tapestry. Woven into the shell-colored linen is a neat symmetrical pattern in a ric
h shade of bark brown.
“It’s an endless knot,” Trey says, spying what drew in my attention. He appears to be interested in watching my reactions to the various accoutrements embellishing his living space. “In Tibetan Buddhism it symbolizes eternal love since it has no beginning and no end.”
“You said before you were raised by Tibetan monks,” I say, remembering the disclosure when he gave me the statue of Achi Chokyi Drolma. It was on the morning of the day he informed us he was our father. Our birthday. “Why was that?”
“My mother, your grandmother, died in childbirth. Flynn had help raising me for a few years but then he became busy trying to establish the Institute. I think for him it made sense for me to live away.”
“So there’s a pattern in the family of sending children to be raised by other people?” I say with a morbid laugh.
“Roya.” I hate when he says my name in that reprimanding tone. “Flynn’s priority was always the Institute. I didn’t resent him for that, it was just a fact. And my priority has always been you and Joseph.”
“You have a funny way of showing it,” I say, shaking one of those ship in a bottle things I found on a nearby shelf.
Trey plucks it from my hands with an irritated look. “What is it that you want from me?”
“I don’t know,” I say, slumping into a giant chair that’s so high-backed it looks fit for a giraffe to sit in. “I’m obviously not getting it.”
“Clearly you’re unhappy with me,” Trey says.
“Flynn must have cared and made you a priority if he was willing to terminate his partnership with Pierre in order to protect you and Eloise,” I say.
“I was always a priority, but Flynn was a born leader and knew the sacrifices it took to secure peace. He also knew the children Elle and I bore would go on to do great things because he was a clairvoyant, as has been everyone in our family.”
“Oh.” Just another pawn in this great arms race among the Dream Travelers. “You said before that you visited us every day…”
“Every day,” Trey confirms.
“Well, I’m curious about two things,” I say. “How did you choose our fake families and when they proved to be a poor match why did you leave us there?”