by Rona Jameson
Silence followed until we got to the apartment.
“Rogan, you do what you have to do to make sure your wife and your friends’ daughter are taken care of. Don’t worry about work. I’ll make sure your job is still here when you’re ready to come back.”
Unable to find the words, I nodded.
It wasn’t until we entered our apartment that I my legs gave out and I broke down in Fallon’s arms.
My best friend was gone.
38
Fallon
It’s been two days since we received the news about Julia and Leon and it didn’t seem real. They’d been our friends for so long that not having them in our lives wouldn’t sink into my brain. Unable to sleep, I sat in a chair by the window and gazed out at nothing.
We’d arrived in town last night with Poppy, and although Mom had told us to bring her home to their house, Rogan had booked us a suite in the hotel. It was a beautiful place and if my heart wasn’t so broken right now, I’d have enjoyed the elegance. Mom hadn’t been happy with our choice, but I hadn’t wanted to be separated from Rogan nor him me. As for Poppy, our pixie goddaughter, we tried to explain to her that an accident had happened and her parents were now stars. I wasn’t sure she totally believed us, but we’d be there for her no matter what.
Poppy slept in a bed of her own with her puppies on either side of her, and the sight brought tears to my eyes. The puppies knew something was off. Dogs had a good sense about those things.
My eyes drifted toward the man who’d held me together and continued to do so, even when he hurt too. We’d held each other together. He was my world, and now, so was Poppy.
As I tried to force the tears back, I realized Rogan watched me. He held his hand out and I didn’t hesitate. I took it and allowed him to cradle me in his arms. He kissed my cheeks before brushing a soft kiss to my lips. His warmth seeped into me and I held on tighter. I cried softly into his neck, not wanting to wake Poppy. I felt wetness on the curve of my neck and realized Rogan cried too.
“I hate that I’m not able to be strong for you,” he whispered.
“I don’t need you to be strong for me. I need you to be here. I need you to hold me. To love me. To just be here. That’s all I need, Rogan. You. And Poppy.”
He cupped the back of my head and wrapped his fingers in my hair. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“I feel guilty,” I admitted. “I feel guilty that we now have Poppy to raise. I’ve always wanted to have your child. You know that. And fate has done this. I feel so guilty that we have Poppy. We’re going to see her grow up, get married, have children of her own, and her mom and dad won’t get to see that. I’m eaten away with guilt, and it breaks my heart that eventually our life together will be all the more fulfilling because of Poppy, and yet it’s because her parents, our friends, died.”
Rogan held me closer still and it felt like he was trying to get me to merge with him. I felt better for getting that out to him, but the guilt was still there. In was a tight ball inside of my belly along with the anguish over losing our friends.
Julia had always been there for me, apart from the time when she found out about Rogan and me. However, once she came out to San Diego, we’d gotten our act together and been there for each other since then. Not a day would go by without me speaking to her and Poppy. Rogan would often talk with Leon while they played Call of Duty on the PS4. Kids at heart. Rogan even played a My Little Pony game online with Poppy a few times. She of course sat on her dad’s lap at the time. Julia used to laugh saying that it was really Leon playing the game.
“Everything you said has flittered through my mind over the past couple of days. We can’t feel guilt because of how we feel about Poppy. About having our goddaughter to raise.” Rogan cleared his throat. “A month ago Leon made me promise him something.” Rogan tiled my face up to his and held my gaze. “When he accepted the job in the sheriff’s office, he wanted me to promise that if anything happened to him that I’d take care of Julia and Poppy. He was insistent, so I promised.”
“You never told me.”
“He didn’t want me to tell anyone.” Rogan sighed and kissed my forehead before he rested his against mine. “He told me that Julia worried and he needed to be reassured that she’d have support. I told him that he should know better than to ask. He was worried, Fallon.”
“They died in a car wreck along the coast highway. It had nothing to do with Leon’s job.”
“I know. It’s just a coincidence that a month later, they’re both dead.” He swallowed hard and rolled to his back, taking me with him. “I never thought there would be a day when I had to say a last goodbye to him. I don’t know what to do.” His body shook as he became overwhelmed with tears.
I crawled up his body and wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders, and held him. I didn’t know what else to say because we both felt the loss of Julia and Leon, and I knew it wasn’t something we’d get over in a day, like we would an argument. It would take so much longer. The one thing I did know and that was no matter what, we would protect Poppy with every breath we had.
Rogan
Unclipping Poppy from her car seat, I brought her close to my chest and had to fight back tears when her little arms wrapped around my neck and her legs tried to wrap around my body, which wouldn’t work. I let her cling and placed an arm under her so that she was secure against me. I then turned and my heart cracked a little bit more at the sight of Fallon standing in front of the car with Peanut and Butter on their leashes. I’d never seen her so unsure before, so I held a hand out. Her cold fingers immediately intertwined with mine and I gave them a gentle squeeze.
“We have this, Fallon. No more hiding. We need each other more than ever, and I want the whole world to know that you’re my girl.” I became even more serious. “I love you with my body and soul.”
Fallon moved in closer and reached up to kiss my lips. She whispered, “I love you too, more than I’ll ever be able to tell you or show you.” Her face nuzzled into my shoulder as we stood in a tight circle with Poppy between us.
Then a small voice said, “I love you, Auntie Fallon.” Poppy turned her face to mine and pressed her small hands to my face. “I love you, Uncle Rogan.” Her lips pouted and she pressed them to my lips. Her action had me rapidly blinking back tears, which Fallon saw and wiped at them with her thumbs.
“We love you, Poppy. We’ll always keep you warm and safe.”
“And Peanut and Butter?” She stared at her puppies.
The two Pomeranian puppies were cute when they weren’t yapping every two damn minutes. I cast a quick glance at Fallon, who looked amused.
“Them too! They’re yours, so of course we’ll keep them warm and safe, however, it better be your shoes they chew and not mine.” I tickled her in the side, relieved that the moment between us had lightened.
The next few days wouldn’t be so good for Poppy. Fallon and I had decided that we wouldn’t keep Poppy away from any of the funeral arrangements. We didn’t want or need to have any regrets where she was concerned.
“Mom’s seen us.”
I straightened my spine and moved up the front path with my family. Our childhood home hadn’t changed all that much over the years, and our parents, although older, were still fairly young.
The front door opened and out came Mom. Concern was etched onto her face as she moved to take Poppy from me, but Poppy clung so tight I felt strangled.
“It’s okay, Poppy.” I tugged her arms away slightly. “I won’t let you go.”
“Promise.”
“I promise.”
Mom quickly swiped at her tears and reached for Fallon. I felt the loss the moment she had no choice but to let go of my hand to return Mom’s embrace.
“We’ll put the dogs out back. They won’t be able to get out. Then we’ll have refreshments in the kitchen.” She stroked Poppy’s hair and kissed her cheek. “I’ve made your favorite.”
“Banana muffins?”
Mom smiled. “Yes. How w
ould you like one with a glass of milk while your puppies get up to trouble in the garden?”
She giggled. “Yes, please.”
Mom cupped the back of my head and reached up, giving me a kiss on the cheek.
“Come inside then.”
In the kitchen it felt odd to be sitting around the table with Fallon and Poppy while Mom stared at us, and the bands on our fingers. This was the first time we’d been home together in years. We’d wanted to keep our secret back then, and now, I didn’t know why I’d felt it was so important to do so. I wasn’t ashamed to be with Fallon, but I had been scared while we’d been dependent on our parents. I sounded like a bastard. I loved our parents, but I loved Fallon more. She was my life. I couldn’t survive without her.
The silence was suddenly broken when Dad came through the front door with Chase. It had been a little over twelve months since we’d seen Chase, and I wished it were under different circumstances. I held Poppy tightly and moved toward him, wrapping him in a bear hug. We both held on for a good minute before I felt Fallon’s hand on my back. I tilted my head and looked at her, my arm moving to let her into our circle, Poppy being the center.
Clearing my throat, I passed Poppy to Chase when she held her arms out to him. He patted her gently on the back and wandered into the front room. He spread out on the couch and settled her with him. I didn’t know what he said, but he’d always been able to settle her down.
“Do you know what’s going to happen to Poppy?” Dad asked.
“You know we’re her godparents.” I took Fallon’s hand and tugged her beside me at the kitchen table. Mom and Dad joined us. I didn’t miss the heated look on Dad’s face at our joined hands. “Julia and Leon left a legal document that gives us the guardianship rights to Poppy in the event anything should happen to them.”
“What about Julia’s parents?” Mom asked. “I know they were horrible to Julia when she needed them, but they’re still Poppy’s grandparents.”
“No way!” Fallon hissed. “They never once wanted to see Poppy or accepted Leon. When they moved back here they wanted to see Julia, as long as she left Poppy and Leon at home. So there is no way Poppy is going to them. We have legal rights to her and we’ll fight anyone who says otherwise.”
I switched hands and continued to hold on to Fallon while I laid my palm against the back of her neck. She leaned into me, and I did the most natural thing and kissed the top of her head. Whenever I kissed her there it had always been with utter affection.
“I was right, wasn’t I? Years ago when I suspected there being something between you both. I’ve known it was true. It stared us in the face. I just didn’t want to think that my son had”—Dad swallowed hard—“touched my daughter.”
Fallon gasped. “It was never…not once, like that. I’ve been in love with Rogan for as long as I can remember. Don’t you dare accuse him of bad things. I won’t have it.”
Dad tightened his fists on the table and opened his mouth, except Mom shut him up with a dark glare, her eyes going into the front room. “Now isn’t the time for this discussion.”
“No it isn’t. We have to bury our best friends and take care of their daughter.” I pointed out. “There isn’t a right or wrong time to discuss Fallon and me. In fact, there isn’t anything to discuss. We’re together and have been for years. Nothing anyone says will make a difference to our relationship. You either accept it or you don’t.”
“That’s why you never visit together, and why you’re now staying in a hotel instead of with us?”
“Yes. We’re not going to apologize. I just wish we’d have been honest with you both from the start.” I sighed and held Fallon close. “If you have anything to say about us, please leave it until after the funeral. I don’t think either of us can handle anything else right now.”
Dad stared and nodded his head. “We’ll talk another time, but in the meanwhile, if you need any help with anything, you both have to let us know. Regardless of how I feel or don’t feel about you being together, your mom and I are still your family. We help each other out.”
Swallowing back emotion, I shook his hand. “Thanks, Dad.”
Fallon had been silent after her outburst, but as I focused on her, I realized her tears had finally stopped and she looked as though she could finally handle everything. So knowing Chase was here as well, I whispered for her ears only. “I have something to do. Don’t leave here until I come back for you.”
She frowned. “Where are you going?”
“You’ll tell me not to go.” I kissed her cheek. “It’s best not talking about it.”
It took her a moment and then her eyes widened. “You can’t do that alone. Let me come.”
I shook my head. “I know you’ll be waiting for me. I don’t want you to see them, but I have to. I can’t explain it.”
“Rogan,” she whispered hoarsely, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. “Come straight to me. Promise me.”
“I promise.”
Going to the funeral home was not what I wanted to do. If I didn’t have something pulling me toward the building, I wouldn’t be anywhere near it. But there was something I had to do.
Something for Poppy.
39
Fallon
Poppy tightly clung to my hand and partly hid in the skirt of my dress. She wore a favorite dress that her mother had bought her. It was white with bright yellow sunflowers on it. Mom had been surprised when she’d seen what Poppy wore, but I’d shaken my head before she commented. As far as Rogan and I were concerned, Leon and Julia’s daughter could wear what she wanted on this day.
The weather was muggy albeit cloudy and I felt sweat on my forehead. Rogan came toward me and I swallowed hard as my emotions threatened to poor out. Immediately, he wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me against him. “We’ll get through this,” he whispered and after placing a kiss to my forehead, he bent and kissed Poppy on the cheek. He brushed a gentle finger down her cheek and stood. He glanced around and asked, “Do you want to go inside yet?”
I didn’t want to go inside at all and have to see the caskets. I hadn’t been able to visit them at the funeral home like Rogan had. He’d come back to collect Poppy and I from our parents’ house and he’d looked gray with grief.
Rogan wrapped my hand up in his much larger one and gave me a reassuring squeeze.
The thick doors separating the sanctuary from the entrance loomed ahead. Today they were open as soft music drifted toward us. As soon as we entered, I was assailed with the smell of polished wooden pews, and incense. It was so familiar. Although we hadn’t been to church for years, this was the church we’d been brought up in. Every Sunday like clockwork.
Swallowing hard, I couldn’t bring myself to look toward the altar. I didn’t want to see the caskets.
My eyes took in the Bibles and songbooks stacked neatly on a table. Beautiful white lilies had been placed on the end of each pew leading toward the front of the church. Mom had done this as it had been a request of Julia’s. Leon and Julia had left a joint funeral plan, which had shocked us, but Rogan had moved heaven and earth to make sure every last detail had been carried out. It hadn’t gone well with Julia’s parents, but their lawyer had informed the Quinns that they couldn’t do anything about it. The document had been witnessed and signed by officials.
With reluctance, I felt Rogan let go of my hand. He kissed my cheek and moved beside Poppy. He took her small hand and my heart turned over with love for the man.
Eyes followed us down the aisle to the front where Chase and his husband, Vince, waited. I gripped Chase’s hand as tightly as Poppy had gripped mine.
Chase pulled me into a hug and I didn’t want to let go. My eyes blurred and I tried to focus on the stained glass window behind Vince.
As we sat down, Rogan lifted Poppy to his lap and moved as close as he could get to me. I wrapped my arm around his tightly and tried to take strength from him while giving him some of mine.
However, as Father
Gardner started the funeral, I could no longer avoid looking at the altar.
Tears that I’d kept under control came into my eyes and spilled down my cheeks. Reality finally crashed around me.
My friends were gone.
The oak caskets each had a small bunch of lilies wrapped in pink ribbon as a final gift from their daughter.
My tears soaked Rogan’s sleeve as I clung to him. He dipped his head and rested his mouth against my forehead.
Chase shoved a large tissue into my hand, and whispered, “It’s clean.” His words broke through my anguish and I smiled at the damp patch on Rogan’s dark gray jacket.
I glanced up at Jesus on the large cross hanging above the altar. Father Gardner spoke of how Julia and Leon were in a better place. His words were meant to offer comfort, but they did not. I’m not a religious person, but how can being taken away from their daughter be a better place?
I knew Julia had been a regular at this church over the years since they’d moved back home, so the words would have been a comfort to her had she heard them.
While I’d been arguing in my head, Father Gardner stepped to the side of the pulpit, and Rogan slipped Poppy to the pew.
It was time for him to deliver the eulogy.
Quickly grabbing his hand, I squeezed and gave him a watery smile. It hurt to watch Rogan being so brave when I knew he was falling apart inside.
He nervously cleared his throat and started.
“Trying to sum up Leon and Julia in a few short words, I discovered wasn’t possible, but I’ve tried.
“I met Leon when ‘girls’ was a gross word before we even started preschool. Not long after we became friends with Chase, and since then our friendship has been strong and unbreakable, until now.
“As children we called ourselves The Three Musketeers because we stuck together no matter what. Like the time Leon got it into his head to comfort his mom when their family dog died. He didn’t know anyone who would lend him a dog, so he dared me and Chase into borrowing Mr. Hennessy’s baby python, Sid. Apparently it was what brothers had to do to help out another brother. Needless to say, Angela Davies had no voice for a week after shouting and screaming at the three of us. That’s one of the many memories Chase and I have of our years spent with Leon.”