“What can I do to help?”
His eyes looked hollow. “Tell me this is a nightmare so I can wake up from it.”
Trying hard to remain calm, I knew I needed to forge through this. That approach would be best for both of us. “Do you need me to take Ludicrous?”
Leo had been trying for the past month with no luck to secure a permanent placement for the pony. It wasn’t looking good.
“I heard from a farm this morning that seemed interested. It’s this place that offers therapeutic rides for children with special needs. I asked if I could drop him off tomorrow morning, and they were going to get back to me. It sounded promising, but if they can’t take him, I’ll let you know.”
“That’s no problem. I can figure something out.”
“You shouldn’t have to.” Leo turned toward the window, seeming dazed.
With each second that passed, my heart broke a little more. Instead of shutting down this time, I pulled him close. “Leo, it’s okay. It will be okay.”
He buried his head in my chest, and we stood holding each other.
When Sig walked into the room, it barely registered. He didn’t say anything, which was unlike him, but I was grateful.
Leo spoke into my neck. “I know you didn’t want a long, painful goodbye, but I feel like I’m getting ripped away from you, and that’s no better.”
“You do what you need to, Leo. Your father needs you. We were about to be in this place anyway. It wouldn’t have been any easier then.” I finally moved back and forced myself to say, “I think it’s best if we leave each other now. Take tonight and tomorrow to clear your head and get your affairs in order before your flight. It’ll be too tough to drag this out. I can’t handle that.”
“I can’t.” He kept shaking his head. “I can’t say goodbye to you.”
“You don’t have to.” My chest rose and fell. “I’ll just walk away.”
“Give me five minutes.” Leo shut his eyes tightly before opening them. “Just give me five minutes to hold you.”
I nodded, falling back into his arms. His heart beating against mine was like a ticking clock.
I don’t know whether it was five, ten, or twenty minutes later that I forced myself to pull away. I suspected Leo wouldn’t have let me go if I hadn’t been the first to move.
As I wiped the tears from my eyes, I noticed he seemed to be fighting them as well.
“Give me your phone, please,” he said.
I handed it to him and watched as he input some information.
“I’ve entered my email and address in two places—under my name in your contacts and in the notes. If you ever change your mind about keeping in touch with me, you have all my info now. And Felicity, if you ever need anything, if you ever need help in any way, or just anything at all, please promise you’ll let me know.”
Leo brought me in for one last long and painful kiss, and I tried my hardest to block out the magnitude of it.
Taking a deep breath, I took a couple of steps back. “I’m gonna walk away, okay? I’ll go out back to say goodbye to Ludicrous and then head home.”
Leo nodded and shut his eyes, as if he couldn’t bear to watch me leave. That was the final thing I saw before I put one foot in front of the other and made my way out the door, feeling as though my heart had shattered into a million pieces.
The following day, I felt awful. I’d tossed and turned all night, and the achiness in my body was the physical manifestation of my heartbreak. Knowing Leo was still just across the bay, and that he was just as hurt as I was, haunted me.
I did nothing but sulk in my room and look out my window toward Leo’s house. I tried to busy myself with packing for Pennsylvania, but I was thinking about him.
Mrs. Angelini wasn’t home. She rarely went out for the entire day, but today she’d gone to visit a friend an hour away in Massachusetts. She’d asked me if I preferred that she cancel so she could distract me from Leo’s leaving, but I assured her it wouldn’t make a difference and convinced her to keep her original plans.
I didn’t even know what time his flight was, just that it was tonight. He’d never called me about Ludicrous, so I could only assume the farm he’d found had agreed to take him this morning; at least I hoped so. I would’ve figured it out if he needed me to.
When 5 p.m. rolled around, I finally made my way downstairs. For all I knew, Leo had already left for the airport. He was already gone from Narragansett.
When the doorbell rang, my heart jumped. Mrs. Angelini wasn’t due back until around nine.
I peeked through the peephole to find Leo, a sight that knocked the wind out of me.
When I opened the door, he seemed out of breath. “I’m so sorry, Felicity,” he stammered. “I know I promised not to do this, to prolong our goodbye, but I forgot to give you something.” He handed me the blue planner he’d taken the first night I’d invited him over. “I wrote in this and wanted to give it to you as a keepsake. I’m sorry if my being here upsets you. I—”
I leaped into his arms. The regret that had been building inside of me all day was unbearable. The short goodbye I’d mandated had been pointless. My emotions were pummeling me—a punishment for ever attempting to stop them. The way things ended yesterday was never what I wanted; I’d just been afraid to experience what I was feeling right now.
He kissed me with such force that I nearly fell back. If yesterday I hadn’t wanted to feel anything, this was the total opposite. Breathing him in was the only thing that mattered in the world, even if for one last time. There were no words. Leo lifted me in the air, and I wrapped my legs around his torso. Our hearts beat against each other.
What I needed right now, I knew would be detrimental. But like a drug addict about to take a hit, I just didn’t care.
“I want you,” I breathed into his mouth, knowing he was waiting for permission to cross the barrier I’d previously set. “Please.”
He let out a deep groan that vibrated down my throat.
Within seconds, our pants were down, and he pushed himself inside of me with my back against the wall in Mrs. Angelini’s foyer. Pulling on his hair, I bucked my hips to meet his frantic movements. There was nothing gentle about the way he was banging me, nor the way I desperately received each thrust. We took our anger out on each other, a desperate final act. It was the most intense sex I’d ever had and probably the only ending fitting for the passion we’d felt this summer.
It didn’t take long. Within a couple of minutes, Leo’s body began to shake. I felt the warmth of his cum between my legs as my own muscles contracted around his cock. He continued to hold me as I leaned on him, feeling suddenly limp, too weak to endure yet another goodbye.
“God, this hurts,” he whispered.
He slowly put me down and adjusted his pants as I pulled my shorts up.
And then his phone buzzed.
I wiped a tear from my eye. “Is that Sig?”
“Yeah,” he whispered, looking distraught.
“What time is your flight?”
“Nine. We’re supposed to have left by now. He’s giving me hell for even being here.”
“Go,” I said, waving my hand.
He brushed a tear from my cheek. “I’ll be forever grateful that I broke the rules.”
“Me, too, Leo.” I gripped his shirt. “No regrets, okay?”
He stared at me for several seconds. He took the necklace he was wearing, the one that held his grandfather’s diamond ring, and placed it around my neck. I looked down at it in awe. Then he pulled me in for one last firm but chaste kiss before walking away.
He turned around in the front driveway a final time and said, “I will never find another you.”
Then he got in his car. And he was gone.
I knew it was real this time. I’d been restless all day because on some level, I knew he would come to me, knew he wouldn’t stay away. I’d been waiting for him even if I hadn’t realized it. A strange calm came over me now that I knew he’d tru
ly gone. There was no longer a pressure to beg him to stay or do something rash.
It took a while before I built up the courage to open the planner he’d returned to me. Mrs. Angelini still hadn’t come home yet when I made some tea and sat down at the kitchen table to read. Inside, there was an entry for every day he’d had it in his possession. It was our entire summer, reduced to a five-by-eight notebook.
June 26: I’m only going to admit this here, because I’m too cowardly to say it to your face. I was bloody jealous today when your ex took you aside. I envy him for so many reasons; he’s experienced things with you that I haven’t. How is it right that I don’t want anyone else to have you when I can’t stay and be the one? It’s not fair, so I need to suck it up. But damn, I wanted to strangle him just for looking at you.
I kept reading.
June 30: Did you know one of your eyes is a lighter color green than the other? I find it fascinating, almost as fascinating as the freckles that taunt me constantly, begging me to count them. You’re beautiful, Felicity.
Some entries were just descriptions of what we’d done on a particular day, like working at Mrs. Barbosa’s or going clamming. But every so often, one of them would break my heart.
July 7: You’ve just returned home after our weekend together, and I’m staring at our new horse as I write this, laughing. I’ve really lost my mind—in the best possible way. It was bar none the best weekend of my life. I told myself I wasn’t going to say that four-letter word, Felicity. Because it’s not fair given our circumstances. But I wonder if you can sense it. Can you see it in my eyes? Can you feel it in my heartbeat? I wonder if I even have to say it at all, or if it’s been obvious for a while.
I wiped a tear from my cheek and read each entry until I got to the last one.
August 21: You just left for the last time, and I’m empty. If there’s one thing you take from our time together, please know that I will never forget this experience with you. I will never forget you, Felicity. But I’m haunted by the idea that you’ll think of me as just another person who abandoned you in this life. If I could have one wish right now (besides the health of my father), it would be this: I would want to be with you and know that that decision wouldn’t ruin your life. I could never live with myself if I dragged you into a life you’d regret.
Remember that no matter how far away we are from each other, we’ll always be looking at the same moon. At night, whenever you notice it, I hope you’ll think of me. I promise to do the same—look at the moon and think of you. And the sun and the stars, for that matter, too. I may be leaving, but you will always be in my heart. That might not be a consolation right now. But it’s the truth.
* * *
Felicity
Track 17: “Coming Home” by Skylar Grey
So much had changed, and yet everything was the same.
Sipping my glass of wine in Bailey’s Providence apartment, it seemed like the old days, only now there was a two-year-old hanging out with us. My best friend had gotten pregnant while I was in law school. She and Stewart hadn’t planned it, and she’d ended up putting her career ambitions on hold to stay home with little Kayla, while Stewart worked at Brown University’s Research Lab.
“So, are you sleeping at the big house tonight?” Bailey asked as she placed her daughter in the highchair.
I nodded. “Probably. It’s going to be weird being there without her. But I’d better get used to it.”
I had driven straight to Bailey’s from Philadelphia because I wasn’t ready to go to Mrs. Angelini’s empty house just yet. Skylar Grey’s “Coming Home” had played on the radio as I drove, and I got so emotional I had to stop at a rest area to get some tissues. All the feelings I’d been hiding from rose to the surface.
But I suppose that made sense. This was my first time back in Rhode Island since my foster mother had died suddenly of a heart attack two years ago—a week after I graduated from law school. I still hadn’t absorbed the shock. When it happened, I’d come back from Pennsylvania for the wake and funeral, but wasn’t able to spend much time in Rhode Island after. I was studying for the bar and applying for jobs, but mostly, there was no point in staying if Mrs. Angelini was gone.
Since her death, I’d been reassessing what I wanted out of life, and I’d realized I truly missed home, even if Mrs. Angelini wasn’t there anymore. I longed to be near her spirit, which represented the only family I’d ever known. Something seemed to be calling me back to Rhode Island now, even if I didn’t fully understand it. I also hoped to find a position that felt more fulfilling than the junior-associate job I’d taken right out of school.
About a month ago, I’d quit, with the intention of coming back to Narragansett, even though I didn’t have anything lined up. I’d need to pass the Rhode Island bar before finding another position. The next opportunity to take it would be in six months, so this time off would be my opportunity to straighten out the situation with Mrs. Angelini’s house, as well as sort through my head. The perfect scenario would be to eventually find a job in Providence—relatively close to Narragansett—so I could live at the house and not have to rent another place. I didn’t have the heart to sell Mrs. Angelini’s property, and hoped I was never forced to for financial reasons.
“The house is still in good shape, though?” Bailey asked.
I nodded. “Her brother, Paul, and the neighbor, Hank Rogers, have been looking after it. Now that I’ll be staying there, they won’t need to do that as much anymore. Although, I might be calling them and begging for help when something inevitably breaks.”
“You know you can count on us, too. Stewart can always drive over if you’re in a bind and can’t fix something.”
“Hopefully I won’t need to bug you guys, but thank you.”
She hesitated. “Just a warning—Matt is supposedly coming home for Labor Day weekend. Stewart wanted to have a barbecue, but I don’t know how you feel about seeing him.”
I sighed. “Whatever. I’ll deal if he’s there. I haven’t seen him in ages, nor do I care to.”
I’d learned a lot of lessons in the time since graduating from law school. The first was a validation of something I’d always heard growing up: when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. About a year after I moved to Pennsylvania, I’d ended up giving my ex, Matt, a second chance. He’d been coming around for a while, under the guise that we could be friends. He was actually supportive during the time when I was most heartbroken. Although, I never admitted just how messed up I was, he knew I was getting over Leo.
Once Matt earned his way back into my good graces, we started a relationship again. It seemed easier to trust him than someone totally new. After Leo, I didn’t have the mental energy to start from scratch. At the same time, I didn’t want to be alone.
But after the novelty of our reunion wore off, Matt began acting differently. I suspected he was having an affair with a co-worker, but I was never able to prove it. I broke up with him after a year or so—before I could get hurt again. Although, if I were honest with myself, regardless of my suspicions, I simply wasn’t in love with him. I tried not to think about Leo during that time, but in my heart of hearts, the feelings I’d still harbored for him made it impossible to give myself completely to Matt. Maybe someday someone would come along who could make me love enough to forget Leo, but it certainly wasn’t Matt. And there had been no one else since.
Despite that, and considering how hurt I’d been when Leo left, I thought I’d done a pretty good job of putting him out of my mind over the years. As I’d always done when faced with life’s difficulties, I threw myself into school and my failed relationship with Matt. Then when I passed the bar and got hired by the firm where I’d previously interned, I had an even bigger distraction.
Yet over the past six months, I’d started to feel lonely out in Pennsylvania. Giving my all to a meaningless job wasn’t cutting it; I needed something more fulfilling. Once I passed the bar here in Rhode Island, I wanted to get
back to what I’d always said I wanted—use my degree to help kids who grew up the way I did. That was my ultimate goal.
Bailey poured me more wine. “You’ve been working so hard for so long. You went right from law school to losing Mrs. Angelini, then passing the bar and starting a job. You deserve this break.”
“Yeah, as long as it doesn’t go on too long. You know me. I always need something to focus on, or else I’ll go crazy. Taking care of the house is not going to be enough.”
“How long can you afford not to work?”
“Well, thanks to Mrs. Angelini, I don’t have a mortgage. And she left enough money to cover the property taxes for at least five years.”
“Good. Try to enjoy this time.”
That was the problem. I didn’t want too much free time. While the memories had brought me back here, I worried that it could all backfire. My biggest fear was becoming depressed while living alone at the Narragansett house with little else to focus on. Not only did I miss my beloved foster mother, the memories of Leo would be freshest here at home. I worried about having to look across the bay and deal with all of the feelings that would conjure up.
As if fate were paying attention to my current insecurities, Bailey went over to her cabinet and returned with a can of SpaghettiOs, of all things. That seemed like a strange sign from the universe. My eyes welled up.
“Are you okay?” Bailey asked as she opened the can and placed the contents in a small pot on the stove.
“Yeah. It’s just allergies.” I sniffled.
It was eerie being back at the house without her. This was part of the reason I’d avoided it for so long.
Upstairs, I went straight to Mrs. Angelini’s room, which looked the same as I remembered. Her long, woolly sweater was still thrown over a chair in the corner, as if she might walk in at any second and put it on. I lay on the bed and curled into her pillow, which still held a hint of her smell. How was that even possible after two years? Opening her side table drawer, I found a half-empty bottle of Fireball.
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