by Strange, KT
He looked so pleased with himself it was hard to say no.
“Okay, idiot,” I replied. He grabbed my hand and half dragged me down the street, my eyes wide as I tagged after him. I had never been to Portland before, but with its cobblestone streets and cute shops, I would have to come again if I ever got the chance, that was for certain.
“Here,” he said, “I wanted to take you here.” I looked up at the store and for the second time in ten minutes, my mouth opened. It was a massive bookstore, the sign reading POWELL’s.
“I’ve heard of this place,” I said. He nodded and I took a few steps forward, inhaling the scent of paper as soon as we walked inside. An immediate feeling of calmness descended over me. People everywhere stood around, looking at titles, or had books opened in their hands, escaping their lives.
I was with my people. I exhaled. The subtle pressure of someone watching me made me look up and Shawn, a rare smile on his face, was focused on me.
“What?” I asked, feeling self conscious. He shrugged and gestured forward.
“Let’s get you some reading material,” he said and followed me as I made a bee-line for the YA section, colorful covers calling me. I immediately fell into the first one I found, pulling it off the shelf and dragging my fingers over the spine. Stories were an escape when I was younger, and even now when life was infinitely better (but way more complicated), books still promised and easy out.
I lost myself reading the backs of books and didn’t notice I’d worked my way down the aisle, my arm aching from a heavy stack of books living in the crook of my elbow.
“Here,” Shawn offered, relieving me of my happy burden. My face flushed.
“Oh, this is way too many.” I bit my lip. I wasn’t seriously thinking of taking him up on his offer, was I?
He seemed to see it in my face.
“The least they can do is buy my girlfriend a few books,” he said and I nodded, swallowing hard.
“Well this is lots. I’m good.”
“It’s only ten,” he teased me, and I wrinkled my nose at him.
“I’m good, I mean it.” I gave him a look and hoped it was enough that he’d stop trying to convince me to spend more on his credit card. “What if they’ve cancelled it?” I asked. He paused, frowning.
“I don’t think they would. It’s the same as Garrett’s.” He lifted an eyebrow. “Well only one way to find out. Shall we?” He gestured to the cashier.
We made it through just fine, a heavy bag laden with my ill-gotten spoils.
“I’m going to have so much to read tonight,” I said, unable to stop the glee from infecting my voice.
“Would you come down… to my cave and hang with me while you do?” he asked, sounding uncertain. I glanced up at him. The sun was pouring over us, a surprise considering it was Portland and I thought it would be raining or something.
And there Shawn stood, handsome and broken in front of me. Like he wasn’t sure I wanted to even spend time with him. He was a young, golden god, beautiful and aching with a deep wound that I’m not sure would ever heal.
“Yeah, that’d be nice.” I tried not to think about how that room held good memories for me, starring Buck front and center.
Maybe I could make some new ones with Shawn. Good plan.
Maybe I could invite Buck along… better plan.
Reality slapped me in the face fast as my brain whiplashed.
Buck might be my brother. How could I forget?
“Mia?”
My eyes watered.
“I’m fine,” I insisted, fighting the urge to rub my fingers over my face. I wasn’t going to cry… I wasn’t. Everything was so difficult though..
“Wanna get some donuts? We could bring the guys a few…” He gave me a shy smile. I nodded, blinking back my uncertainty.
“Good idea,” I replied. I was in the mood for some sugar. Too bad there weren’t enough donuts in the whole world to fix the situation I was in.
Chapter Three
“Are you ready?” Shawn asked, holding my backpack in his hand as we got out of the truck, looking up at the school on the hill.
I didn’t want to go inside. I didn’t want to face what was waiting for me. Because somehow… I knew. I knew that what had happened, the truths that had been revealed, the accusations, were going to be hovering over us like a neon sign.
Word traveled like wildfire in Hidden River, and the school was the center of the gossip machine. Like blood in the water, Paige and the people like her would sense something was wrong. Even if word hadn’t slipped out, even if nobody had talked. And I wasn’t sure how much I trusted Cael or Reid.
Buck, Shawn and Colt? I knew they’d keep shut. Even Garrett.
Cael was my dark horse… for all he’d helped me. But Reid…
I swallowed around the thick lump in my throat. I had to push onward anyway. I’d skipped enough classes.
“Yeah, I think so.” I took my bag from Shawn, the heavy weight of the straps sliding over my shoulders. His fingers tangled with mine as he locked up the truck and we walked. The crisp, late November air snuck down the collar of my shirt and slithered up my legs to find the gap between where my socks ended and my skirt fluttered around my thighs. Other students, mostly in different grades, walked by, and I glanced up at Shawn. Nobody was looking at us.
That was a good sign, and my heart lifted somewhat.
“If anyone says anything,” Shawn promised, dark intent in his voice, “we’ll take care of it.”
“You can’t get into trouble for fighting,” I insisted.
“Who’s fighting?” Reid asked, appearing like a ghost out of nowhere as he fell in beside us. A freshman gawked at him and grabbed the door to the school, holding it wide open for us. Reid gave him a sloppy salute, making the boy’s face turn three different shades of red.
Shawn snorted.
“I said, who’s fighting?” Reid repeated himself, nudging my shoulder with his as he crowded me into the school’s foyer.
“Nobody. Not Shawn,” I muttered, shooting a significant look at the boy holding my hand, his fingers warm on mine. Shawn smiled, slow and sly.
“I had been saying that we’d stop any shit if anyone tried to start it over—” He cut himself off with a shake of his head. Paige had appeared from around the large display case holding some of HRA’s awards and trophies. Reid looked at her and then back at the two of us. His mouth pressed into a fine line, back to her, before he nodded once.
“Got it,” he said, “and don’t let anybody tell you I’m not a great guy.” He spun on his heel, dark hair shaggy at the nape of his neck just as Paige’s eyes widened seeing me and Shawn so close. “Paige,” he said, scooping his arm around her waist. “C’mere, baby, I gotta talk to you.”
He grabbed her and yanked, and she had no choice but to follow him back down the hall the way she came.
I gawked and then looked up at Shawn.
“What was that?”
“Who the fuck ever knows with Reid,” he replied. My stomach lurched.
There was a reason I never trusted him. It started with that stupid strip tease he’d arranged for me to do for his friends, and ended with the fact that he’d just called Paige baby.
“Isn’t she fucking his dad?” I muttered. Shawn nudged me gently with our twined hands.
“Let’s get you to homeroom so I can settle down. If we make it to first period without anyone saying anything, I think we might be in the clear.”
First period ticked by, and second, me perched on the edge of my seat, barely able to take notes and focus on what was going on in class. I hadn’t seen a single hair of Buck, let alone the rest of the guys, except for Shawn, who’d met me outside of first and walked me to second.
Recess was coming up, and even though I was way too old to go running out on the playground to burn energy like a kid, my knees bounced and jiggled under my desk. I needed to get out of there. Feeling like the bomb was about to go off in my hands, that someone, somewher
e at the school was going to set it off and tell everyone of my mother’s horrible accusation, was just too much.
“Mia?” I looked up as Shiv said my name. She stood over my desk, her red hair plaited back, and a frown on her face. “Are you okay?”
Was I okay?
No. My chest felt like somebody had hollowed it out and replaced my heart with an ice-cold stone.
But I couldn’t tell her that. She’d want to know why. And I couldn’t trust her with the truth, because I had broken her heart, and wrecked her relationship with Shawn, and I wasn’t sure that she’d have my best interests at heart.
And why should she? After what I had done? My throat was rough as the bell rang, and I got to my feet, packing my binder into my bag.
“It’s been a long few days,” I said with regret. “Ate way too much at Thanksgiving, and then it all went downhill from there.”
She gave me a knowing smile.
“Yeah? Didn’t you go to Buck’s for Thanksgiving?”
I paused and gave her a second look. Was there a reason she was asking? Any other reason than a normal question you’d ask a friend?
Her expression was casual, and it didn’t feel like she was digging.
“Yeah, that house is…”
“Mrs. Barron is intense,” she said with a little laugh-snort. “I swear she makes my mom look normal. Do you wanna go get something to eat in the cafeteria? You can tell me about it. Did she say anything crazy? Did she show you her fur collection?”
I trailed after her, surprised that Shawn wasn’t waiting at the door. Maybe it was okay to go to the cafeteria and get a snack. My stomach felt empty, but not hungry… in fact, I kind of felt nauseous. The stress was probably doing that.
But I didn’t want Shiv to think there was anything going on. She was treating me like normal and I had to kind of go with the flow of that.
She chittered at me as we walked, and then paused outside the doors to the cafe.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” she asked, turning to me with a frown on her face again.
“Yeah, of course,” I insisted, trying not to sound stressed out, but when her frown grew, I knew I’d failed.
“What’s going on?” She asked, in a hushed voice. My vision blurred and I blinked back tears. “Mia?” Concern laced her tone. I shook my head.
“Let’s just get a snack, okay? Please?” I gave her a brief smile. “I’m really hungry. Didn’t eat breakfast.” That was partly a truth and partly a lie. I didn’t eat breakfast, too nervous about the day, about to begin, but I also wasn’t hungry. The thought of putting anything into my mouth was making me feel even sicker.
“I heard chef’s doing chocolate croissants today and lemon bars,” she said, “so c’mon.”
I followed behind her into line, students chatting around us. I tuned them out, even as Shiv started talking at me about the upcoming Snow Dance, and that she figured she’d go by herself unless Garrett asked, but she really wasn’t sure he’d even ask at all and—
And then I saw them.
Sitting across the cafeteria, holding court, shining and beautiful and… and…
Reid was in a generous cafeteria chair, his legs spread, Paige perched on one of his thighs, cozied up to him with her arm around his neck.
Cael was across from them, books open, pen in his hand, but he wasn’t writing, instead listening something Paige was saying. There were more students crowded around them, and Paige turned her head to smile at them, like she was wearing a crown, newly restored to her throne.
“Well that was fast,” Shiv muttered and the spell the scene held over me broke, as I looked at her.
“What?” She asked, wrinkling her nose, “I knew she’d jump on somebody’s dick, I just didn’t think Remington was desperate enough for pussy that he’d take her back.”
My lips parted, partially in shock at her callous words, partially out of fear for Paige getting anywhere near to anyone holding my secrets close to their heart.
Shiv sighed and waved a hand in their direction.
“At least it does one thing,” she said, “maybe now she’ll stop trying to steal Buck back from you.”
We shuffled forward in line, and I was quiet.
I didn’t have the heart to tell her that this, her hooking up with Reid, was somehow a million times worse.
Chapter Four
Holding patterns. That was where I existed. Waiting on something bad to happen, the truth to get out, somebody to say something… anything. I didn’t see much of anybody the rest of the day except Shawn when we drove home together. He looked tired and stressed, and begged off hanging out so he could get some work done.
I wasn’t sure why, but part of me was relieved. I felt like I was folding in on myself, retreating into my own shell, and I wanted to be alone.
My mom had to go back into the city for a few weeks for legal stuff, which left me alone with my stupid brain.
And the thought of Buck being, ugh, related to me in any way was fucking me up. I spent the night staring at the ceiling of my room, tears slipping down the sides of my face to soak into my hairline.
And it wasn’t like there wasn’t anyone there for me if I wanted it… my phone had about ten missed messages. But I couldn’t. What was I supposed to say to Buck? Could I even be near him without wanting him to hold me, and kiss me, and was that wrong?
I rolled over onto my side.
If he was my brother, wouldn’t I have known it?
I closed my eyes.
God.
What a fucking mess.
* * *
Second day of not being all that hungry, the gaping maw inside of me just feeling sick as hell, and I was not willing to risk eating. I stared down at my plate, congealing grease on a slice of pizza threatening to make me hurl right there in the middle of the cafeteria.
“Are you gonna eat that?” Colt asked, pulling up a chair to sit next to me. I snorted and pushed the plate toward him, looking away.
“Not hardly,” I said. I’d burrowed myself away in a corner of the cafeteria, hoping nobody would notice me.
Colt was good at finding me out, though.
“Why are you back here behind this pillar?” he asked, and when I looked up, my gaze fell across the room, to where Paige sat, high up on Reid’s thigh. Her fingers were speared in his hair, her mouth on his.
Colt made a noise of disgust.
“Christ, she’s like a vampire,” he said. It was true, but part of me wondered if she was that way because of how she’d been hurt.
Now that I knew her truth… it was hard to look at her with pure hatred. There was pity mixed in there, and I was annoyed that I couldn’t just enjoy my impotent rage at her existing without that little voice in the back of my mind speaking up and reminding me that she’d been abused by men old enough to be her father.
Just like me with Brandt. And with Buck’s dad. Ugh, maybe my bio-dad, if my mother was to be believed.
Goddamn. So disgusting.
“Why is he with her?” I asked, out of the silence as Colt picked at my pizza. My voice sounded small and pathetic. He met my gaze, his expression curious.
“I am going to ignore the wtf that you even care who he’s fucking, but I’m pretty sure he’s just bored. He’s fucked her before. This is more um, enthusiastic and public than I’ve seen in the past but…”
“I’m not jealous,” I grumbled, “I just don’t want her to be close to anyone who…”
“Who knows,” Colt finished for me. “Right, I get it, and this place isn’t exactly the right setting to talk about this,” he said quietly. “Wanna take this back to my room?” He hefted the pizza from the plate, the tip of it drooping sadly. He eyed it. “I swear I don’t have performance issues like this thing.”
His words hit me funny and started a laugh out of me that was unexpected and loud. I exhaled a gust of air.
“Okay, yeah, I’m not hungry and I can’t watch this,” I said as Paige pulled her mouth off of Reid’
s with an audible pop!
I was going to be sick. Colt grabbed my bag for me and I followed him out of the cafe.
My back hit his mattress and I sighed, closing my eyes as he shed his school blazer and kicked off his shoes, crowding me as he lay down next to me. There was barely enough room on the twin bed for the two of us, but I curled into him, letting his arm weigh heavy over me as he pulled me against his chest. I hid my face in his shirt, shivering silently.
There were just so many feelings knotting themselves inside of me.
“Nobody knows if your mom was even telling the truth,” he said, “But more importantly right now, nobody knows what she said. Just us. Just the six of us.”
“Seven if you count Garrett,” I pointed out. Six was too many. Seven felt like even way more.
“I don’t think Shawn would have said anything to him about it,” Colt said.
“Awfully trusting of you,” I huffed, and his fingers curled in my hair, dragging along the nape of my neck. The touch was soothing, relaxing, and I felt my muscles start to go, unwinding a little. His warmth, and the dark of his dorm room with the blinds shuttered, felt safe.
In here, with him, I could hide. I was always safe with Colt.
“Even if he had… Garrett has been keeping Shawn’s secrets forever. I don’t think he’d spill it.” His hand ran up and down my side slowly, working slow circles on my hip. I leaned into it with a low sigh as he planted a kiss on my temple. “Why are you so scared? It can’t be true. You guys don’t look anything alike.”
I swallowed hard.
“But it could be. What if she is telling the truth?” I trembled a little at the thought.
Once, for the fact I might be Buck’s sister, even half-sister, was horrifying.
Twice, for the fact it made his father my father, and Mr. Barron was an obvious monster. There was no hiding that reality.