Neverstone: A LitRPG Adventure (The Mad Elf Book 1)

by Ned Caratacus

  [140,349 DMG to The Full Monty]

  [The Full Monty — Hey, Hey, Do the Rosie Stomp! (Royalty remix feat. MC Feely)]

  A roar from above heralded the coming of the other foot, ready to crush Ofelia. Had she not kept the Great Northern Shield on her person at all times, I'd have some bad news to tell you.

  [Ofelia — Praetorian Guard]

  But she did, and let's be honest, you hear enough bad news as it is.

  The other foot bounded off from the forcefield, jutting out to the side. The werewolf's arms flailed as it struggled to regain its footing.

  Era floated above his hated enemy—eaten alive from above and tripped from below, and with his healer standing by to deliver the finishing touch. I don’t wanna be this cruel to an enemy ever again. But hell, if this ain’t the most fun I’ve had in ages. Oh well, now or never!

  Noah glanced up at him expectantly, and Era gave him a thumbs up. He raised the staff and said, “In the holy name of the Wheel, Flame, and Fleece—YOU SUCK!”

  [Noah — Confound the Wicked]

  [0 DMG to The Full Monty]

  [The Full Monty feels the weight of his sins!]

  Then he jammed the staff into the werewolf’s back. Now, in addition to the pain he was feeling from both sides, Monty was filled with the sensation that he was not only a naughty little Monty, but the Single Naughtiest Werewolf that had ever lived. The red plasma covering his fur seemed to agree.

  Just as Noah finished his spell, Era and Liv swooped in to pull him to safety, before Era’s downright sickening little plan could come to fruition.

  You see, dear reader: Confound the Wicked takes someone out of combat mode as it's being cast. For all of thirty seconds, the Full Monty was a 400-foot-tall civilian. This meant that Branwen was now a foreign object in his skull—

  [Internal bleeding!]

  [Lethal brain damage!]

  —and thanks to Ofelia, he was falling backward toward the flaming, jagged ruins of Kobal buildings—

  [Third-degree burns!]

  [Compound fractures!]

  [Impalement!]

  [Exsanguination!]

  —and by the time he returned to combat mode, the werewolf was a screeching mass of fur and flesh, barely alive.

  And if you think I’d forgotten about Era and Liv—well, there stood the former on the tip of Monty’s nose (out of which a very confused Branwen had just crawled to safety).

  Era had hoped to get the rest of his newfound sadism (Wait, is the Jade Crown making me enjoy this more? Questions for later.) out of his system. So, he planted the Schiavona on the beast’s snout—

  [Era — Attack]

  [1,204 DMG to The Full Monty]

  —and called out to the sky: “Yo Liv, remember the Lyndwyrm?”

  “Lightning! Rod! Motha! Vogga!”

  [Liv — Thunder Stream]

  [Um…hit for way more damage than you need. Jesus, what is wrong with you people?!]

  [The Full Monty is now 200% dead.]

  [Victory!]

  Meanwhile, in Crestograd...

  Raphael, still in his loincloth, glowered in front of the first DAZHBOG console he could find.

  He beat a hasty escape after the whole “handmaiden” incident, making a beeline for whichever of the GU's teleport gates was the closest—good evening, Crestograd. After that, the water treatment station (and its secret DAZHBOG access point) was a lengthy jog away. Though he didn't have his standard identification ready, he was able to bypass security. Being a half-naked celebrity has certain secrecy benefits to the effect of, “even if you did rat on me, no one would ever believe you.”

  Once he logged into DAZHBOG, he was able to brief his father and the Celsioran army's top general on the situation at hand, which went just about as well as one would expect...

  And what about Sarastro?

  I managed to apprehend her as well, but shortly afterward, Erasmus had the catastrophic Neverstone reaction.

  “Her?”

  Let's just say the crackpot documentaries about, “But what if Sarastro was a /woman/ under all that armor?” Had something to them.

  Her energy readings matched with the explosion at the Tomb of Platonus. Sarastro is female.

  Whatever. Where is she now?

  Unknown. I lost visual contact after the Fusion Wraith attacked me.

  with any luck the fusion wraith ate her

  omnomnomnom

  Greggoman: Stop being such an ignoramus. Wishing death upon her would make us no better.

  “but dAAAAD THE DARK LORDS A /PEOPLE/ with /fEELINGS/”

  brb getting a sad violin to play

  I hate you.

  So Sarastro has been neutralized?

  It's a safe assumption.

  “safe assumption”—oxymoron.

  Unless you've found a body or war pixel residue, she's still at large.

  General, Monostatos turned into an alpha werewolf and lit half of Ur-Kobalis on fire. The goblin hospital we were in has collapsed.

  If you'd like to spend the next month sifting through several tons of ash for her new hiding place, you're welcome to try.

  Fine.

  And the crown?

  Still with Erasmus.

  According to remote surveillance, they believe they can destroy the Jade Crown by throwing it down a bottomless pit.

  And I'll admit, among the attempts I've heard to rid Luminar of Sarastro's curse, that seems plausible.

  Then they need to be stopped.

  Why? Destroying the curse could be a good thing. Without the need for a Dark Lord every five years, we'd be one step closer to world peace.

  And I appreciate that.

  It's very important to keep all the senseless killing to a minimum.

  But the Island /needs/ those souls.

  The human race does a good enough job killing each other without the Cycle’s help. The Island will remain operational with or without the crown.

  >[User Greggoman uploaded an audio file: violinforRaphael.wav]

  ok ok I think I did pretty decent with it, it sounds real sad and whatnot, g minor and stuff, saddest violin eveeeer

  Greggoman: Don't you have a country to run?

  Also, that's definitely a banjo.

  yOURE NOT MY REAL MOM

  violins just a fancy version of a banjo anyways

  It really isn't.

  also what's going on here with

  scrollingupscrollingupscrollingup

  wow

  wOW

  SONNY JIM

  Do not call me that.

  whY YOU DO ME LIKE THIS

  SharON what was last years death rate

  Father, please. Sarastro's curse has done enough damage.

  Greggoman: Fulgan Almanac says 102.4 million people died in 5210 A.L., Your Majesty.

  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEgdsa;hgdjk.sahg;s

  ...ah.

  sonny jim

  if that

  goes under

  100 mill

  I'm aware. You don't need to remind me.

  If I may.

  If there's no other way to get the souls we need to make the Island’s quota, we could always ask Astrid to Procedure 9 a few more cities.

  NO! Procedure 9 was wrong the first time, and it will be wrong the 1,287th time.

  Okay, look.

 
I'll stop them and keep the crown safe.

  oh tHANK vOG

  SONNY JIM HAS SEEN THE LIGHT

  [Warning]

  [Emergency: User Little_Astrid Is Signing In. This Is Not A Drill]

  [STAND BY]

  oh barf

  MAINTAIN CALM

  WE SURVIVED THIS BEFORE

  DEEP BREATHS

  vogvogvogvogvogvogvogvog

  Would EVERYONE just SHUT UP we can dO THIS

  idontwannadie dONT LET HER KILL ME

  someone tell me she's not gonna kill me

  FATHER

  YOUR DAUGHTER WILL NOT KILL YOU

  DONT LIE TO ME

  >[User Little_Astrid has joined at 04:12:07 CelST]

  Hi there, sweetie!

  Always a pleasure to speak with you, dearest sister.

  we were just talkin about how smart you are

  aND CUTE!

  Raphael?

  Yes, beloved?

  You're not near the Pyrite Palace, are you?

  No, beloved. I'm in Crestograd at the moment.

  Good.

  I don't like the GU anymore.

  They've dropped their end of the bargain and decided to kill each other instead. Now, the Rosie is going to get rid of our Cycle, which is very rude.

  Oh, the shame of it!

  So, I'm going to Procedure 9 the whole goblin city, then I'll have a few Seraphs retrieve the GU’s Neverstones from what’s left.

  That's a good call, right there.

  mmm I dunno sugar, that means using neverstone discharge, the cripple could absorb that stuff

  Greggoman: With respect, Your Majesty: local, weapon-based discharges are one thing. But even if the Rosie did manage to absorb a fraction of a Procedure 9, he'd be cooked alive by the discharge as soon as he touched a conducting surface.

  OK but has this been tested, tho

  It's /common sense/, father.

  Now stop questioning your beloved daughter.

  oH I see ha ha sorry there dumplin, i done goofed.

  Greggoman: Correct. Do not let it happen again.

  OK sugar, I'll start ordering the commemorative plates for the GU families and survivors

  Thank you, Daddy.

  Put wolves on them, please. They like wolves.

  Oh, how thoughtful of you!

  If I may, darling...

  Yes?

  Could we possibly hold off on Procedure 9 until the Mystic leaves the blast radius?

  RaphaelHK: /Really/ not the time or place to think about your godsdamn hormones.

  Little_Astrid: wait, forgive the interruption I didnt mea

  [User coordinates locked. Seraph deployed, torment class: creative. User account terminated. User financial assets consolidated to House Koschei Treasury Account 4A; last will and testament revised. Initiating cover story algorithm. Forwarding press release “General Sharon Tomlinson, Celsioran War Hero, Found Dead in Apparent Suicide” to media outlets.]

  RaphaelHK: I shan't let Sharon bully you again, brother.

  Oh, my hero!

  RaphaelHK: But please understand —

  Everyone in that goblin city is going to die, right now. Including the Mystic.

  This will be alright with you, won't it?

  It is. You're doing a good thing, dearest.

  Do you mean it?

  Really, really mean it?

  Yes. You are very smart and make good plans.

  I won't miss the Mystic at all. Lovers come and go, but only my sweet, beautiful sister will live forever.

  and live forever you will, darlin

  we wont let aNYONE kill you ever again

  Thank you.

  I'm leaving now.

  I love you both!

  I /adore/ you, sister.

  lOVE YOU SO MUCH sUGARCUBE

  >[User Little_Astrid has left at 04:17:48 CelST]

  vog my legs are still shaking

  Father.

  part of me is debating becoming a man of the Gods again. lies? Yes

  Father, listen to me.

  cOMFOrting lies? Also yes

  SERVE HER IN THE PAST.

  And she will save us in the future.

  Breathe in.

  Breathe out.

  Serve Astrid in the past.

  And the Queen of Night will save us in the future.

  feel better already

  hey Raphael

  whens the last time I said I was proud of you

  57 years ago.

  okay well then

  in that case im

  wait

  WAIT

  have yOU BEEN KEEPING SCORE

  auRELIA

  oUR SON IS STALKING US

  Goodbye, father.

  >[User RaphaelHK signed off.]

  Before Raphael closed the terminal, he remembered that this device had one of the few color monitors in the DAZHBOG network. His heart sank as he punched in the code for his favorite image, DZH://mal/mrsam/29.jpg—one last time for the road...

  It had been taken in a goth clothing store in Cape Dartley—Dreadlord's Drawers. The “non-poser” kind, as Liv put it, where you could find knives behind the counter and they rarely checked for your ID. A young Mystic girl, no more than 12, shopping for her first leather jacket—the one with “VOG OFF” on the back in big letters. The same one she wears today. She poses with it in a store mirror, holding a hand to her mouth in mock offense. Joining her is a smiling man in sunglasses and a polo shirt—Mr. Sam.

  Raphael winced, fighting back unheroic face liquids.

  Starlight, if I could hear you call me “Mr. Sam” again, just one more time...

  Though Ur-Kobalis was built a few dozen millennia before Vinnie Vulture's Spicy Fire Safety Fiesta, now available on Koschei Home DVD, most of the brickwork was naturally flame retardant, and the fires around Ur-Kobalis died down at the closing of the battle.

  Though the Full Monty was no more, killing a lycanthrope’s wolf form was seldom lethal to the host. In fact, it was the only true cure. Monty was naked, unconscious, and trapped under a pile of rubble, but he was undoubtedly alive.

  [Astrid — Procedure 9]

  And to the ending of a battle like that, there are five different types of reactions, all displayed on a slab of cooling marble that had once been the wall of a library...

  [Extracting energy from Prime Neverstone]

  Era, still neck-deep in tactician mode, puzzled with the situation, still trying to find a way to wrap up the loose ends. Had the Dark Lord actually been defeated, or was he about to unleash his secret weapon? Did this mean the Koscheis knew about the Black Pyramid? If so, how long would it be until this place would be nuked? What of Titania, was she all right? And was the Bug Man going to come back?

  I feel like my life is becoming a series of exasperated questions with no answers. Is that what being a philosopher is like? Lutero Gualtieri, you poor bastard, this nightmare was your day-to-day, wasn't it?

 
; [Coordinates locked]

  Liv, who had just come down from the first Riastrad in her life that didn't end in misery or disappointment, immediately told the others that she was going to go off and meditate and/or thank Kuhallen. Noah knew it was a lie, but didn't feel anything malicious in it, so he kept his mouth shut.

  Truth be told, she was trying to find an unseen place to weep with joy at her accomplishment and knew that wasn't a death metal thing to witness in the slightest.

  Part of her hoped that Era would join her out of concern. But I said I wanted to be alone to meditate...damn you, Slasher, and your respect for my personal space!

  Can't complain too much, I suppose. I hope Mr. Sam gets to hear about this. What's he even doing these days?

  [Energy successfully transferred to payload capsule]

  [Yield: 25 megatons]

  Noah, ever the pacifist, couldn't help but feel bad for all their enemies that died. Granted, this was the GU, a group of people who wanted to kill the weak and defenseless—the opposite of healers like himself, unless “wound worsening therapy” ever caught on as alternative medicine. Murderers or no, any skimming of the Good Book could tell Noah that even cruel and wicked people were people.

  He sighed as he looked over the destroyed expanse of the city. Perhaps there could have been a chance to reach the GU's hearts and lead them off the path of fascism.

  Only a god can heal or save everyone, he told himself. Even if the GU were human beings, so am I. From when Monty blew up the hospital, I knew this was never going to end perfectly, hugs and handshakes and apologies all around.

  And maybe that's okay. “Perfect” is reserved exclusively for the Gods, and that can only get boring after a while.

  [Pre-destruction speech generated]

  [Keywords: ULFENSTADT, RACISM, DISGUST, SHAME]

  [Patron God: ARGO]

  [Est. Population of target area: 3,208]

  [Projected survival margin: 0%]

  [Confirm Procedure 9?]

  [Astrid — Y]