She braced herself as she breathed in the familiar scent of wood polish and pine sol. She wondered if Rosa was still coming twice a week, or if she’d moved on like everyone else. She shoved her hands into her jacket pockets and led Derek into the living room. “Dad?” she called.
“In here,” he said, his voice coming from his study. Of course. He was always in his study.
But when she walked in, she didn’t find him at his computer where he normally sat. He was in his recliner, his arm in a sling. His hair was disheveled, and his skin pale. He looked like life had beaten him down, and guilt tugged at her heart. Had she been a part of that? “Hey, dad,” she managed to say.
“Nara. Derek. Please come sit down.” He motioned to the leather love seat that was in the corner.
Nara sat and placed her hands between her knees. She knew already she didn’t want to hear what her father was going to say. Derek put his arm around her shoulders, which was a sweet gesture. She appreciated that he was here with her.
“I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to say it.” Her father paused and took in a breath. “I have colon cancer.”
Nara had prepared herself for it, but even though she knew he was going to say the word, it still sent a jolt through her. She pressed her lips together, waiting for the rest of it. The prognosis. How long did he have to live?
Her father didn’t say anything else, so Derek cleared his throat. “What stage is the cancer?”
“The doctors don’t know yet. I go in for a CT scan tomorrow. If the cancer hasn’t spread, there’s a good chance of recovery. If it’s spread to other organs…” Her father’s expression grew grim. “If it’s spread, then most likely they won’t be able to cure it.”
Ice formed in Nara’s veins and she had a hard time just sitting there. Her first instinct was to ask him how long he’d been struggling with symptoms. How long he’d waited to go to the doctor. She wanted to scream at him, because she knew his nature. She knew he waited until he couldn’t wait any longer, which meant a very good chance that this hadn’t been caught early.
But yelling at him wasn’t going to help, so she clamped her jaw shut and stopped the words from coming out. She didn’t want one of the last conversations she’d had with her father to end with her getting mad at him.
“When will they know?” Derek asked, his voice soft. Calm. How could he be so calm? She was a raging storm inside.
“Next week.”
“How are you feeling?” Derek asked.
“I’m…okay.” The hesitation told her everything she needed to know.
Nara squeezed her hands, desperately trying not to come undone. Her father did this to himself. Why was everyone just sitting there, like it was okay? She wanted to shout at the top of her lungs how unfair this was for him to do to her. He was a selfish man, even in death. There was no other way to frame this. Selfish and prideful.
But even as she grew angry inside, she knew she shouldn’t be. Her roommate in college had a brother with colon cancer. He’d had surgery and a little chemotherapy and was fine. The cancer was totally gone now. Maybe the same would happen with her father.
As Derek talked with her father, she became impatient. Her leg wouldn’t stop bouncing. She wanted to get out of there. Needed fresh air. But they kept on talking until she thought she would suffocate from the muggy smell in the room.
“Okay,” Derek finally said, then stood and clasped his hands together. “At least we know what we’re dealing with. I hope your wrist feels better soon.” He crossed the room and gave her father a hug.
Nara swallowed down more guilt. Why was it so easy for Derek to hug her father? It looked so natural for them. And here she was, suddenly feeling anxious that if she didn’t hug her father things would turn awkward. But if she did, it would be strange and obvious she was trying too hard.
Derek stepped back from her father, and she knew if she didn’t stand and cross the room now, she wasn’t going to do it. She forced her legs to work. As she approached her father, she saw the look of surprise on his face. It cut her to the core. Was she that cold toward him?
She lowered herself to him, giving him a quick embrace. Then she stood back and shifted her weight, unsure of what was appropriate to say. “Let us know when you hear something.”
He nodded. She turned to leave, but her father caught her wrist with his good hand. “Wait.”
Nara turned back to him the room suddenly too hot. “What?”
Her father’s features softened, and he gazed at her a moment. “I know I haven’t been a good father to you.”
Her throat grew tight and she shook her head. She didn’t want to hear a deathbed speech. Not right now. Not any time. “Don’t.” The word slipped out without her meaning to say it, but she didn’t take it back.
“I just need to tell you,” he stopped and swallowed, letting go of her wrist. “I’m sorry. I screwed up. I didn’t know how to be a parent to you. Not alone. I was grieving as well and didn’t realize it.” His voice caught and emotion played across his features. “I really messed up.”
Nara couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t speak a word. She’d waited her whole life to hear him apologize for leaving her to deal with her mother’s absence by herself, but now that he was saying the words she had longed to hear, they only made her angry. Why hadn’t he said these words before? Why had it taken all her life? She pressed her lips together, unable to handle the emotions that coursed through her. “Yes, you did,” she said, her voice low.
“You were so young. And I was so inadequate.”
“You were my father,” she said, spitting the words out at him. And now that they were out, more kept coming. “I needed you. And you weren’t there. I know you hated mom for leaving. Blamed her for everything. But it wasn’t all mom’s fault. You left me, too.” Unwanted tears streamed down her face, but she didn’t stop to wipe them.
Her father flinched, as if she’d slapped him in the face. “I didn’t know how to deal with the situation.”
“So, you didn’t.” Nara stepped back from him, hurt and resentment swelling in her chest. She had thought she had grown immune to his actions, but apparently that wasn’t the case.
“You’re right.” Her father dropped his gaze. “I ran away.”
“You left a little girl to fend for herself.” The tears kept coming, but she couldn’t hold back. She’d wanted to say these words to her father for many years. “At least mom told me she was leaving. You didn’t even have the decency to do that. You just broke every promise you ever made to me. You left everything to Grandmother.”
“I know. And now it’s too late,” he said, his voice cracking.
Annoyance burned the back of her throat. She wasn’t going to accept that. Couldn’t accept it. “What do you mean, too late? You don’t know that. You think you’re going to die? Well, let me give you some news. We all die! You think apologizing now, after telling me you have cancer is going to make it all better?” She clenched her hands into fists. “I’ve got news for you. It’s not going to work. You’re not dying, and I’m not going to just let the past twenty years evaporate.”
She was too upset to stand there any longer. She pushed past Derek and stalked out through the house to the car. Derek followed after her. “Nara,” he called when they got outside.
She turned around, facing him, the chilly night air stinging her wet cheeks. “What?” The word came out forceful, like a weapon.
Derek stood there, gazing at her while she tried to regain her composure. She was glad he didn’t tell her to calm down, or she would have lost it. Instead, he just reached out and gently took her hands in his. He didn’t speak. He simply let her be.
She wanted to scream. To run away from him. But she couldn’t do that to him. A strange part of her needed Derek, and she realized this as she threw her arms around him and buried her face in his chest. The tears didn’t slow as she clung to him, his warm arms around her.
Had she really just yelled at
her father, after he confessed to having cancer? She couldn’t believe she’d done that, and guilt choked her as she tried to breathe.
She was the worst daughter of all time.
Chapter 25
Derek listened to Nara’s even breathing as he lay next to her in bed. His heart ached for her. For the relationship that she didn’t have with her father. For all the years of hurt and pain she’d suffered, and for the conversation that ended in disaster this evening.
He knew she wanted to mend things with her father. He also knew how difficult it was for her. If he could erase all the years of agony, he would in a heartbeat. The moonlight filtered in through the blinds, landing on her silky, soft hair. It splayed around her, over her pillow, and he couldn’t help but reach out and touch the delicate strands. They slid over his fingers causing him to catch his breath.
Nara stirred and rolled over, startling him, and he jerked his hand back. She stared at him in the dark. “What were you doing?”
“Nothing.” The word came out like a BB gun pellet.
She squinted at him. “You moved your hand when I rolled over.”
“I wasn’t touching you.” Okay, that might have been a lie. Or half-lie. He was touching her hair, which technically wasn’t part of her, except that it was attached.
“Then what were you doing?”
“Do I have to answer?”
Her eyebrows knit and she scoffed. “Yes.”
Dang, the longer he resisted, the worse she would think it was. How embarrassing. He had to confess. “I just wanted to see if your hair was soft.”
A look crossed her face that he couldn’t read. Then it vanished and she smiled. “Was it?”
Oh, man, what was he supposed to say to that? He swallowed, trying to think of something non-creepy. “I guess.”
I guess? That’s what came out? He was such an idiot. He should have gone right to sleep.
Nara shifted, scrunching up her pillow so it supported her better. “I’m sorry about the awkwardness with my father tonight.”
He gave her a funny look. “There was awkwardness? I didn’t notice.”
She snorted and shoved his shoulder. “Funny.”
He sobered. “No, seriously, it was good that your father owned up to the past.” Derek mulled over what else to say. He didn’t want Nara to feel bad, but her father had been painfully honest with him over the years about how he felt. And he regretted everything having to do with Nara.
She bit her lower lip. “I shouldn’t have said what I did.”
He sat up a little and leaned on his hand. Nara’s eyelashes were so long. He’d never paid attention before. Maybe he noticed because the moonlight shone on her face in just the right way. He tentatively reached out and pushed a strand of her hair from her face. “You had all that bottled up for a long time. It probably needed to come out.”
She nodded. “Yeah. But now was a crappy time. He just found out he’s got cancer.” The last sentence came out as a whisper.
“I know. But it might not be serious. We don’t know yet.”
“And that’s probably why it’s even worse that I decided to let him have it tonight.” She looked down, breaking eye contact.
Derek felt immensely underqualified to give her comfort. He knew she was in pain, that all her words came from that place of agony, but had no balm to offer her. She would never find relief until she let go of that anger she held onto. But how do you tell someone this? He hooked his finger under her chin so she would look at him. “I know you went through a lot with your father, but I want to see the two of you happy. I don’t know how much time he has left. Maybe a matter of months. Or he could make it through this and have years left on this earth. I don’t know. All I know is I love you both and want what’s best for you.”
It wasn’t until her eyes widened that he realized exactly what he’d done. What he’d said. He’d just admitted to her that he loved her. His heart thumped so loud in his chest that he was afraid she could hear it.
She didn’t say anything at first. Only stared at him as the seconds ticked by. Her expression was one of surprise, and then confusion. And then, curiosity. Finally, she opened her mouth. “Did you mean that?” she asked, softly.
Oh, great. She was calling him out on it. He hoped she’d ignore that part. Maybe even let it skim over her without her really listening. But, no such luck. She wanted to know if he really meant he loved her. His palms grew sweaty and he had a hard time breathing. “Mean what?” he said, his voice squeaky high.
“Did you mean what you just said?” She stared at him her gaze intense. “Do you love me?”
He grew dizzy, probably because his heart raced at a crazy speed and he couldn’t seem to get enough oxygen in. He had to say something. Anything. But his brain didn’t work.
Now would be the perfect time to tell Nara he was in love with her. All he had to do was say one word. Yes. That’s it.
He forced the word out. “Yes,” he whispered, putting behind it all the emotion of his first confession of love. His mouth dried out and he froze, not moving a muscle as he waited for her reaction. For her to do or say something. But she didn’t. She just stared at him until the temperature in the room grew uncomfortable. What was she thinking? Why wasn’t she saying anything? He started to panic, and more words flew from his mouth. “Of course, I do. You’re like a sister to me.”
Nara swallowed, her face a careful mask, not showing any emotion. “A sister?”
Desperation tightened his chest, and he broke out in a sweat. Did he really just confess, and then take it back? Sister? What was he thinking? She was no more his sister than she was his cat. He loved her fully, like a man loves a woman. And he had to go and mess up his one chance to tell her. But now she was staring at him and he had to say something. “Yeah, you know. We’ve been through a lot together.”
Lame. He should have taken back the sister thing. He just didn’t have the nerve. He was a spineless squid. He really shouldn’t be allowed to talk anymore.
Nara blinked, then rolled over onto her back. “We have.” The mood in the room shifted, but he wasn’t sure what it meant. The air cooled and he laid back as well.
She wiped at her face, and he wondered if she was crying. It made sense if she was. She’d had a really emotional night with her father. He wanted to comfort her, but felt extremely awkward after their conversation, so he pretended he didn’t notice.
She lay still for a few minutes before speaking. “Thank you for being there for me, even when I’m a terrible person.”
His heart broke. “You’re not a terrible person.”
“Okay, not a terrible person. I’m a horrible daughter.”
“No. You’re just hurt. You need to heal.”
“How do I do that?” She turned and looked at him.
He gathered up his courage. He needed to tell her to let go. It was the only way for her and her father to make things right. “You need to let go of the anger.”
She nodded, blinking rapidly, and now he knew for sure she was crying. “How? I want to, I just don’t know what to do.”
“It might help to talk it out. Have you thought about going to see someone?”
“Like a therapist?”
“Yeah.”
She wiped again at her cheek, turning away from him. “No. But maybe I should. Maybe that would help.”
He hated to see her cry. It broke him into pieces. He reached out to touch her shoulder, but then stopped, second-guessing himself. Finally, he pulled his hand back, hoping she didn’t notice. “I think it would.”
“Okay.” She curled into herself. “I’ll call tomorrow.”
He rolled over so he wouldn’t see her anymore. Wouldn’t be tempted to touch her. Pull her close to him. He had to let it go. He didn’t have the courage to tell her how he felt, and he didn’t dare show her how he felt. He was a coward, and he would probably end up alone because of it.
But that was better than being rejected by Nara. That would sha
tter him.
Chapter 26
Nara woke the next day with a massive headache. Stupid crying last night. Stupid conversation with Emperor Derek, and stupid reactions to his stupid words. Derek wasn’t in bed, and she figured he’d gotten up and gone to work. She put on her slippers and padded into the kitchen to grab a bottle of her life’s blood. She opened the fridge and snagged a twelve-ounce Diet Coke. Maybe that would calm the throbbing pain behind her eyes.
For one glorious moment she thought he was telling her that he loved her. That his feelings for her had grown over the last week they’d been together. She thought he was confessing.
That was the dumbest thing in the world, because he didn’t mean that he was in love with her. He meant that he loved her…as a sister. The word gave her a bitter taste in her mouth. He thought of her as a sibling. Like Brielle. Why had she thought that maybe he had more feelings for her? Must have been that stupid flirting and kissing when Brielle was out on the porch with them. It was late at night, and she’d been feeling bold.
And Derek was probably wondering what the heck was wrong with her. Why she’d be acting so stupid. What a fool she was.
She shook her head and drank her Diet Coke. The carbonation stung her throat and made her nose tingle. She didn’t care. She needed it if she was going to survive the day. Not only did she have to spend the day pretending it was okay that Derek thought of her as a sister, today was also the day her father would find out if the cancer had spread.
Brielle shuffled into the kitchen, her hair in a messy bun, a bathrobe on. She moaned and plopped down on one of the kitchen barstools at the counter. “I’m doomed.”
“What happened?”
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