I paused, letting what I’d said sink into my consciousness, tasting the truth of the words that still lingered in my mouth. “I thought for a minute that might be your secret. Except it’s not it. I mean, yeah, that’s shitty that you did that to her, but I knew you had those things in your past. And you knew that I knew those things. If that were all there was to learn from that video, you would have told me. There had to be more you were hiding.”
Finally, with great effort, I raised my eyes to his. “It’s because of what night it was, the night of the symposium, isn’t it? I considered that you didn’t want me to know that you were still manipulating people for fun that recently, but now I don’t think that’s all of it either.”
“Alayna…” Even though only a whisper, there was weight to his single word. It was cautionary, it was pleading. It said, don’t go here, even though we were always headed there, from the second he first laid eyes on me. It was fated that we’d arrive at this moment, and whether we wanted to face it or not, here it was.
“It’s not the video itself. It’s what happened after.” I spoke as if I was just figuring it out, but really, it had always been there, buried in my subconscious where I didn’t have to deal with it. I knew. I’d always known what I was only now able to admit.
Hudson repeated my name, calling for my attention, but I was no longer focused on him.
“If Celia was there with you outside the symposium…then doesn’t it make sense that she went in with you? And if she went in with you, she was there when you first saw me. And if you were still playing people together…”
My skin broke out in goose bumps as a chill ran down my spine and a wave of nausea wracked through my body. A ringing began in my ears, and somewhere behind that I could hear Hudson still speaking.
“I was going to tell you,” he seemed to be saying. “I came back to tell you.”
I searched his face, barely registering his fragmented explanation as the truth settled over me.
“It’s my worst mistake, Alayna.” He stepped toward me, his face twisted in anguish, his voice desperate. “The most horrible of all the things I’ve done. My biggest regret, although it’s what gave me you and for that I’m forever grateful. But I never knew what I’d feel for you. I never knew that I could hurt you that much, and that I would care that I did. Please, Alayna, you have to understand.”
I was beginning to understand. With shocking clarity. “That’s what I was, wasn’t I?” I wasn’t really asking anyone. “A game. Your game. Together.” My legs went weak and I fell to the floor. “Oh god. Oh god, oh god.”
“Alayna—” Hudson fell to his knees and reached for me.
I scrambled away, my entire body shaking. “Don’t touch me!” I screamed. I couldn’t tell if he’d stopped moving toward me or not—my vision was blinded with fury and pain. My stomach twisted as though I might vomit and my head—my head couldn’t process, couldn’t think.
It didn’t help that Hudson refused to let me have a minute to hear my own thoughts. “It wasn’t what you think, Alayna. Yes, it started as a game. As Celia’s game. But I only went along because it was you. Because I was so enamored with you.”
I stared at him, blinking until my vision cleared. Then it was as if I were seeing him for the first time. I’d known this was his M.O. How could I have ignored that this exact situation was a possibility? Our beginning had been strange and unusual. He’d bought the club. Then he’d hired me to break up his engagement—an engagement that wasn’t ever a real thing. Why had I not questioned the bizarreness of it before?
And now he was trying to reason with me. My stomach wrenched tighter and I began to dry heave.
“Alayna, let me—”
I held a hand out to stop him from coming toward me. “I don’t want your help,” I said when the heaving subsided. With the back of my hand, I wiped the spit from my mouth. “I want fucking answers.”
“Anything. I told you I’d tell you anything.” His words tumbled out as if he thought that answers might benefit him.
I already knew there was nothing he could say to fix this. That every answer would likely be more painful than the last. Still I had to know everything.
I bent my fingers into the carpet, trying to grasp onto something to give me strength. “You were enamored with me?” The phrase was sour on my tongue. “So you decided to fuck with me?”
“No.” He sat back on his haunches and shoved both hands through his hair. “No, I wanted to get near you, and her plan was an excuse.”
“And what was her plan? ‘That girl presenting now. Make her fall in love with you and’…what?”
He shook his head fiercely, emphatically. “No, it didn’t happen like that. It wasn’t like that.”
I slammed a fist into the floor. “Then what was it like? Tell me!”
He clambered to find his words. I’d never seen him so lost, so off-balance, so miserable. “I saw you, like I’ve told you, and I was drawn to you. Completely drawn to you. I’ve never lied about that.”
“Drawn to me so you decided to destroy me.” And it had worked, hadn’t it? Because here I was, completely destroyed.
Hudson shook his head again. “This isn’t how I wanted to tell you. It’s not coming out right at all.”
“You mean if you told it another way, you could manipulate it to make it sound better.” I was shaking so badly, my teeth chattered as I spoke.
He winced as if I’d slapped him across the face. “I deserve that. But that’s not what I meant.” He inched closer, then stilled when my expression told him not to dare move nearer. “Let me tell it the way it was. Please. It won’t be better. It will still be awful, but it will be accurate.”
I leaned my back against the desk front, not wanting to hear more, needing to hear it all. “I’m waiting.”
He ran his tongue along his lips. “I saw you. And Celia noticed, I think. Noticed me noticing you. A few days later, she showed up with information about you.”
“She showed up with information?” My interruption shook him from what I’d guessed was a memorized script. Too goddammed bad. I wasn’t about to let any of it be easy for him.
“Yes, Celia had investigated you. It wasn’t me. She had your police record and the restraining order, plus a copy of your mental health record.”
Another wave of nausea rippled through me as I thought about Celia being the one to uncover my secrets. As I pictured her running to Hudson with the information of my worst sins.
He seemed to read my disgust, seemed to want to ease it. “It was in complete opposition to what I’d seen of you, Alayna. Everything she’d gathered—that wasn’t the strong, confident woman we’d seen at the symposium. It was obvious those things existed in your past. You were better. I saw that.”
“I was better.” I said it defiantly, even though it was exactly what he’d just said. “I was.”
“Yes. You were. It was evident.” He took a breath. “Her theory, though, was that you could be broken again.” His eyes flared. “I didn’t agree.”
He let those words hang in the air, waiting for them to sink in.
But what did he expect that I’d do? Stand up and give him a fucking medal because he’d wagered on my side? Because he’d assumed that he couldn’t break me?
He’d still tried!
Anyway, he’d been wrong. He had gone beyond breaking me. He’d shattered me.
He kept talking, my brain barely computing his words. “That was the bet. She made up the whole idea to have you break up our nonexistent engagement. After a time, I was to end things with you, naturally. Say that the farce was no longer necessary. Then we’d wait and see what happened.” He paused to find his words. “But I didn’t ever feel—”
I cut him off. “So all of it was a scam. Every single part of us was a lie.” My speech was labored as I forced out words that I could never have imagined saying.
“No!” He was animated, passionate. “Even in the beginning, it was never about the game. Not
for me. I wasn’t supposed to seduce you. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you. And I did both before you’d even agreed to play along.”
I tilted my chin up, the only challenge I could muster besides my heated words. “But you didn’t fall in love with me. There’s no way, because you don’t do shit like that to people you love!”
“I’d never been in love, Alayna! I didn’t understand what I was feeling. I only knew I had to be with you and this was the way to do it.” His voice cracked. “I’m not excusing what I did, but I’m explaining. I’m pleading for you to try to…to try and…”
“And what? See it from your point of view? Forgive you?” Bitterness dripped from me. There wasn’t anything else inside me. I couldn’t even cry.
I cocked my head and met his eyes, making certain my next words were clearly understood no matter how I stuttered to get them out. “This is unforgiveable, Hudson! There is no moving forward from this.”
“Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that.” His tone was urgent and remorseful. Pained.
I didn’t fucking care. Let him hurt. I was glad for it, if that’s even how he really felt. I’d hurt him further if I could. I did my best to try. “What is it exactly that you don’t want to hear, Hudson? That I can’t forgive you? I can’t. I can’t forgive this. Ever.”
“Alayna, please!” He started for me again.
I kicked at him, managing to connect a foot with his upper arm. “We’re over. Over! Don’t you get it? There’s no fucking way to ever trust you again after this!”
He sat back again. He could have easily overcome me if he’d kept trying. Even when I was upset and pumped with adrenaline, he was stronger than me. I couldn’t even gather an ounce of gratefulness for it though. He owed me that. He owed me more.
I didn’t trust that he wouldn’t try once more, and the last thing I wanted was his touch. In fact, I couldn’t even look at him. I had to go. Placing a hand in front of me, I pushed myself up to stand. “I’m leaving now. Don’t try to stop me. Don’t come after me.” It took great effort, but finally I was on my feet. “We’re done.”
Hudson followed me up. “We aren’t done, Alayna. This isn’t over. We’ve rebuilt trust after you’ve broken—”
I spun toward him. “Don’t even fucking compare what I’ve done to this! My mistakes are not even in the same category. This is the worst thing. The worst thing you could...I can’t even…I can’t breathe…” I leaned over, placing my palms on my thighs, trying to get air into my lungs.
He settled a hand on my back, leaning in to check on my breathing.
I shrugged him off. “Don’t,” I seethed with what air I could find. “Don’t ever again. Don’t touch me. Don’t call. Don’t try to reach out to me. This is over, Hudson. Over! I can’t see you anymore.” I’d been numb before, but now I felt volcanic, explosive. Everything inside—I wanted it out. Wanted to retch up every single speck of emotion I had about Hudson, good and bad. I yearned to be free of it all.
And yet the feeling went on. Endless and deep and unbearable.
“Don’t say that, Alayna. Tell me how to fix this. Please.” Hudson’s despair echoed my own. “I’ll do anything. There has to be a way.”
I reached my hand out to the desk for support. “How? Tell me how there could possibly be a way to go on together after this?” I wasn’t even sure I’d be able to go on at all after this.
“I don’t have all the answers yet. But we can work on it together. We fix each other, remember?” Hudson curled his hands into fists, straightened them, then curled them again. “I love you, Alayna. I love you—that has to mean something.”
For so long I’d waited to hear him talk of his love. Now, he said it freely, and it felt like a complete mockery of everything I’d yearned for him to express. “Right now it really doesn’t.”
“Please. You can’t mean that.” He reached for me yet again, his grasp circling my wrist.
With a scream, I yanked my arm away. “Get your fucking hands off me!”
He put his hands up in the air, in surrender. Then he let them fall to his side. He took a step backward. “You said,” he paused, “you said you could love me through anything…”
I’d been waiting for him to throw that back at me. Honestly, I was surprised he hadn’t mentioned it earlier. “Since everything you said turned out to be a lie, I don’t feel like I’m obligated to honor my promise either.”
Obligated or not, I did still love him. If I didn’t, then I wouldn’t feel this way. Every molecule in my body wouldn’t be consumed in despair. That was the joke of the whole thing—I’d kept my promise. I did still love him through this horrible, fucked up thing he’d done to me.
But it didn’t matter. Not anymore. Not when everything that my love was based upon was a sham.
There was a short knock followed by the opening of the office door. David stuck his head in. “Are you okay, Laynie?”
Had he heard me screaming a moment before? Or had he simply decided enough time had passed that he should check on me? Either way, I’d never been more grateful for the sight of him. “No. I’m not okay.”
David looked from me to Hudson, not sure what to do.
Hudson tried once more. “Alayna…”
I had no more words for him. Nothing left to say, nothing left to give. I simply shook my head once. I was done. That was all.
He continued to plead with his eyes for long seconds. After a while, he lowered his head. “I’ll leave.” Hudson turned to David. “I’m sorry to put a damper on your party. Thank you for looking out for her.”
He turned to look one last time at me, his expression filled with sorrow, regret, and longing. I knew he believed that I’d run to David after he left, and that the idea pained him even further. He was making a huge sacrifice leaving me with David alone.
But his sacrifice was a classic example of too little, too late.
So he was hurt? Too fucking bad. I was destroyed.
I turned away, not able to look at him any longer. I knew he was gone when David put his arms around me. I let him hug me for a moment, but contrary to what Hudson believed I’d do, I wasn’t interested in seeking comfort from David. All I wanted to do was go somewhere and cry until the pain in my chest, in my head, in my bones, didn’t threaten to pull me under anymore.
I wasn’t sure it was even possible. I suspected that in reality I’d hurt—hurt hard—for a very, very long time.
“What can I do?” David asked as I pulled away.
I wiped a stream of tears from my face. “Get Liesl, please.”
Chapter Twenty
Liesl was an angel.
She calmed me down enough to get me out of the building without drawing attention from the employees. I barely had the strength to walk, and she let me lean on her as we went to the curb and got into the cab that David hailed for us. She didn’t make any jabs about being pulled away early from the party, nor did she try to get me to talk about what happened. Instead, she pulled my head into her lap and smoothed my hair while I cried all the way to her apartment in Brooklyn.
Once inside her place, Liesl tucked me into her bed with a glass of straight tequila. Though she had a futon in her living room, she stayed with me all night. She spooned behind me, and when I woke up from the little bouts of sleep I managed to get, her warm presence calmed my screams to sobs. I hadn’t grieved and mourned that much since the death of my parents. Even then, I hadn’t known the level of betrayal that I felt now.
That was the worst part of it, the betrayal. If I’d heard the story earlier from Hudson, at a point in our relationship where I hadn’t put everything on the line, then I may have been able to survive it. I’d still have left him—I couldn’t possibly be with him after that—but it would have been so much easier to survive. Leaving it as long as he did, especially when we’d talked at end about honesty and transparency—that was the ultimate betrayal. That was the deepest cut.
But the loss of the man I loved so desperately came as
a close second.
The first two days were a blur. Liesl cooked for me and forced food down my throat. She listened to my story as I told it, in spurts, piecing it together as best she could, again without pressing. Throughout it all, she refilled my glass any time I asked. In a rare moment where I managed to focus on something other than my heartache, it occurred to me to wonder if that was why my father had spent his life drinking—had he been trying to block out some sort of pain? What had hurt him? Wasn’t it sad that I’d never know?
The rest of my thoughts were mismatches of memories and realizations. Sweet recollections turned sour with the new information layered on top. I relived every conversation that I’d had with Hudson a dozen times. Sometimes all I could do was cry. At other moments, I became angry. I broke more than one glass throwing it in rage.
Once even, I considered taking a broken piece and slitting it across my skin. Maybe not too deep.
Or maybe exactly too deep.
Thankfully Liesl was there to clean up the fragments before I managed to steal any away. Besides, I didn’t really want to end things—I just wanted to end the pain.
Eventually, I began trying to piece things together. Tried to figure out what was real and what wasn’t. Imagined how and where Celia had fit into my relationship with Hudson. Like the way he’d condoned my jealousies, the way he supported my snooping. Encourage her obsession, I imagined Celia saying. Don’t get mad or upset if she shows any of her crazy traits.
And the way she knew to throw his pet name in my face. Had that been her idea as well? Give her a pet name. Something like angel or precious.
I remembered Sophia’s birthday—Hudson had spoken with Celia then, and when we came home he’d been distant. Had she reminded him of the game then? What he was really supposed to be doing with me?
To his credit, Hudson hadn’t lied. His exact words came back to me with full force: “I will be saying and doing things—romantic things, perhaps—that are not genuine. I need you to remember that. Out of the public eye, I will seduce you. That will be genuine, but it can never be misconstrued as love.”
Complete Fixed: The Complete Fixed Series: Books 1-5 Page 79