by Hart, Rebel
“Oh, this feels so nice,” I moaned.
Meredith groaned. “Here comes trouble.”
My head snapped up. “What?”
“Rae? Are you serious?”
My eyes slowly panned over to the corner and I saw Clint emerge. He walked around, his gaze landing directly on me. Smoke from the joint caught his gaze and he snickered. He shook his head, like he was some sort of disappointed parent.
Then he came to stand in front of me.
“What has gotten into you tonight, gorgeous?”
I quirked an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”
Meredith giggled. “Yeah. What do you mean?”
He glared at her before his eyes came back to mine.
“This isn’t like you. Getting drunk. Getting high. Are you crazy? What if you get caught?”
I shrugged. “It’s part of the college experience. Everyone does it.”
He blinked. “Seriously?”
I snickered. “Don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like you know better than I do. Really, Clint?”
His face softened. “That’s not what I was--”
“Yes, it is!”
I leapt off the porch swing and everyone turned their attention to us.
“I don’t need you protecting me, Clint. I can look after myself. I did before you came into my life, and I will after you’re gone. That’s what this is all about. Me standing on my own two feet and carving out a life I want for myself. Not the life you want for me. This is about me taking care of me. Not about me being dragged around like a damn child by my fucking boyfriend.”
His eyebrows rose. “Dragged?”
I snickered. “Yeah, Clint. Dragged. Look around you.”
I gestured at the party as I slowly circled around.
“Look at it. All of it. I’ve been so fucking afraid to leave high school behind. But look at all this. Do you think these people brought their high school with them? Their friends and their boyfriends? No, they didn’t. They came alone, like I didn’t have the balls to.”
“What are you saying, Rae?”
“All right, I think it’s time to go home. What do you say?” Michael asked.
I felt his hand come down against my arm, but I ripped away from him.
“You might be Allison’s boyfriend, but you’re not mine. You won’t touch me that way.”
Michael narrowed his eyes. “Yeah, but you’re my best friend, Rae. And you’re drunk. High, too. It’s time to get out of here.”
Allison peeked around the corner. “I’m ready to go whenever you guys are.”
I pointed at her. “Did they put you up to this? Did Michael threaten you or something?”
Michael scoffed. “Threaten her? Do you even hear yourself?”
Clint sighed. “This is what happens. Alcohol and weed create paranoia.”
I stepped back. “I’m not paranoid!”
Meredith piped up. “She’s just trying to have a good time and you guys are trying to control her.”
One of the guys spoke up. “Yeah. Not cool, dudes.”
Clint snickered. “Yeah, dude. Well, see your way out of this conversation. Come on, Rae. We’re going back to the hotel.”
I crossed my arms. “And if I don’t?”
Clint sighed. “Pouting doesn’t look good on you when your eyes are bloodshot. Now, come on. You need food and a shower.”
I licked my lips. “Maybe what I need is another boyfriend.”
Michael held out his hand. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s take it easy with all this shit.”
Allison came up to my side. “You’re going to regret this in the morning. Just come with us. You can sleep with me tonight.”
Michael paused. “Wait a second, what?”
Clint sighed. “Fucking grand.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Yeah, sorry I don’t feel like bouncing on your cock tonight, you jealous asshole.”
He snickered. “Oh, I’m the asshole? You’re the one preaching about new boyfriends and not giving a shit how any of this makes me feel. But I’m the asshole?”
I glared at him. “Yeah, that’s right! You’re the asshole!”
I pulled away from Allison and stumbled over something. Whether it was my own two feet or Allison’s shoelace, I didn’t know. All I knew was that my drink went flying into the air, all over Clint. And his arms fell open to catch me. My cheek pressed against his chest as I struggled to stand up. And feeling him against my body made me shiver.
But not in a good way.
“Rae, you okay? Can you stand?”
I shoved him away. “Leave me the hell alone.”
I pushed my way through the crowd as blood rushed through my ears. I stumbled against the porch, trying to prop myself up.
“Rae! Wait up!”
I rolled my eyes at Allison’s voice and kept going. I pushed my way through the crowd as guys held out their arms to catch me. I couldn't stand up. I couldn't keep myself fucking upright. I felt someone guide me to a couch in the living room as music thudded against my ears. Asses swayed in my vision. Guys looked at me and winked before sticking their tongue down someone else’s throat.
“Rae, there you are.”
I sighed as Allison dropped down beside me. I felt her rubbing my back, but I shrugged her off. I didn’t want her concern or words of encouragement. What I wanted was to relax. To forget about everyone and cast all hell to the clouds, for once in my fucking life. I leaned into the couch cushions and closed my eyes. I let the beat of the music whisk me away. And as Allison batted away people who tried to offer me drinks, I felt the world tilting around me.
Must be the weed.
Clint got to do this with his life. If anything, he should understand. He got to party to relieve stress. He got to drink. I’d seen him more than once come into school with bloodshot eyesand the smell of pot on his leather coat.
I wonder what happened to his leather coat.
“Rae? You need anything?”
I sighed. “I need you to shut up.”
Allison murmured, “Sorry.”
My head fell off to the side. Smoke started filling the room. Someone ‘woo hoo’’d off in the distance and I shoved my fist into the air.
“Woo hoo!” I exclaimed.
But Allison didn’t join me in the exclamation.
I rolled my head over to her and opened my eyes. And when I saw her, I sighed. She had her arms crossed over her chest. Her leg crossed over her knee. She stared down at the floor, her lips moving as she talked to herself.
“Allison, don’t let Michael ruin this night for you.”
She shook her head. “And what makes you think he’s the one ruining it?”
Her eyes met mine.
I scoffed. “I’m not the one ruining it. You were having a good time with a drink and everything before they found us in the backyard.”
She sighed. “Did you have to be so mean to Clint?”
“He wasn’t getting the picture. He never gets the picture.”
“Do you ever talk to him about the picture?”
“I talk to him plenty enough, thanks.”
Allison sighed. “What’s really going on, Rae?”
I shrugged. “You mean other than my mother stealing my money, wanting to keep me home as a permanent paycheck, and Clint not wanting to move anywhere near me? Nothing.”
She blinked. “Wait, what’s this about your mother?”
I shook my head. “Nothing.”
“It doesn’t sound like nothing.”
“It is nothing, okay? You know how my mother is. You give an inch, she keeps taking miles until you piss her off for good.”
“Does Clint know you want him to move with you?”
I closed my eyes. “If he really loved me, would I even have to ask?”
And when Allison didn’t answer, I knew I had mine.
22
Clinton
Mike put his hand on my shoulder. �
�She’s just drunk, man. You guys are solid.”
I barely heard his voice. I barely registered his touch. My mind reeled as I watched Rae storm off, her tense body falling away from me. She peered over her shoulder, casting me a look that could’ve buried an army six feet under if she had commanded it.
I sighed. “I should’ve seen this coming.”
Mike slipped his hand off my shoulder. “See what coming? The fact that she was going to get drunk and high at a party and lose her mind? Come on, you know the kind of pressure she’s been under.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I do. And she’s been pulling away. Nothing’s been the same ever since I told her I wasn’t applying to college. I know she resents me for that.”
“Dude, she doesn’t resent--”
“You mean after all those times she helped me with homework? All those tests she helped me study for? All the work she put in to helping me bring my grades up? And you don’t think she resents me for not going to college when she helped with all that?”
Mike snickered. “She helped you graduate. That’s all she wanted. It’s not her fault her mother started breathing down her neck around the same time.”
I shrugged. “Maybe so, but can you see why my mind is doing what it’s doing?”
“Sorry. Excuse me. I’m going to go get her,” Ally said.
I shook my head. “It won’t work.”
She snickered. “Then don’t have faith. But I’m still going after her.”
I watched Ally push between the two of us as she went after Rae. Raelynn Cleaver. The girl who saved me more times than I could count. The girl who pulled me up from the mire of my life and helped me to fly. The girl I had fallen madly in love with.
This shit was never about what school program she wanted to enroll in.
This was about me. It had always been about me. At least, it seemed that way. Had I become too controlling of her actions? Did I not give her the space she needed? Did she feel smothered? Or manipulated?
Have I turned into my father?
“Don’t think that,” Mike said.
I scoffed. “You don’t even know what I’m--”
“You’re wondering if you turned into the asshole that raised you. And I can tell you, that’s not anywhere near true.”
I rolled my eyes. “Seems to me like it is.”
“Clint, Rae isn’t acting this way because of what you’re doing to her. She’s acting this way because she doesn’t understand how to mitigate her stress levels properly. I love her, but she’s always felt as if the world sits on her shoulders. Like she has to save it all in order for her to mean something.”
“That’s because she’s always had to be the strong one.”
He shrugged. “Maybe so. But at some point in time, that type of mindset is going to become destructive. It’s going to wear her down. She has to learn at some point that she doesn’t owe the world anything. That she can’t save everyone. That it’s okay for things to not go as planned. Even if she has to learn it the hard way.”
“I don’t want her learning the hard way. The hard way hurts.”
“And yet, if that’s what she chooses to do, you can’t do a damn thing about it.”
I shook my head. “I hate that you’re right.”
He chuckled. “Me, too.”
“Do you really think she’s afraid of bringing me with her, though? You think she’d have a better college experience if--”
“Don’t even say it, Clint. You know that girl is head over heels for you.”
I shrugged. “Doesn’t mean I’m good for her. At least, not right now in her life.”
“Is that how you really feel about it? Or are you trying to justify how she feels and convince yourself her way is the right way? Because I have to tell you, you do a lot of that with her.”
I blinked. “What?”
Mike grinned. “You do a hell of a lot of bending over backwards for her and always seeing her point of view on things. The first time I ever saw you stand up to her and speak your piece was when you fought her about applying to college. Maybe this is what she needs. Someone bucking up to her and showing her that she doesn’t always have the answers. Maybe that’s how she learns this lesson.”
“I just wanna love her, man.”
“Then love her. But don’t feel like loving her means always leaning to her side.”
I snickered. “When the hell did you get so wise?”
He gasped playfully. “Clinton. I’m hurt. I’ve always been wise. I just haven’t had anyone to be wise with.”
I rolled my eyes and he clapped me on the back. I stood there waiting for Ally to bring back Rae. The throng of people went back to their party after witnessing the drama.
But they didn’t reappear.
And it made me sick to my stomach.
“Well, it’s pretty clear she doesn’t want me at this party,” I said.
Mike sighed. “Dude, you can’t think about--”
“And if she didn’t want me here, then she should have come alone. Left me at the hotel. Or back home, for all I care.”
“Wait a second, I thought we ended this shit on a good note. What’s happening? Talk to me.”
I shrugged off Mike’s hand. “You’re right, but I’m also right. It’s been very clear to me all night that she hasn’t wanted me here with her. At her side. Hanging out with her and making memories. She didn’t want me on campus with her. She didn’t want me to help her with her mother before we came here. If she didn’t want me around on this damn trip, she shouldn't have brought me.”
“Co--come on, Clint! Please, don’t be a drama queen.”
I shook my head and made my way off the porch. If Rae needed space, then I needed space. I stormed around the house and made my way into the backyard. I headed straight for the makeshift bar, reached behind it and picked up two beer bottles. I cracked both of them open, then turned around and held one out.
Knowing damn good and well Mike would be there to take it.
“You sure about this?” he asked.
I clinked my bottle against his. “To not chasing the girls down.”
He sighed. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”
I chugged the beer back and my love for it came rushing to the forefront of my memory. I groaned with every gulp. I sighed with relief at the burn working its way down my throat. I tossed the empty bottle in the trash can before reaching for another one, cracking it open on the edge of the bar.
And as I threw the second one back with ease, a crowd gathered around me.
“Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Yeah!”
The crowd cheered as I tossed the second one into the bin. I reached for another and broke that one open with my fucking teeth. I held the bottle up and spit the cap out, watching in my peripheral as Mike stepped away. The crowd shut him out, pushing him all the way to the back as he stumbled around with the beer in his hand.
And as I watched him make his way into the house, I gulped down my third consecutive beer.
“Chug that beer! Chug that beer! Chug that beer! Yeah!”
I had people step up to compete, throwing up before getting their second beer down. People offered me shots and I chased them back with beers and cocktails. I filled my stomach with more alcohol than I’d had in months. It tasted amazing. I felt myself relaxing. And as the crowd of college students slowly grew around me, I found myself in a drinking contest with three other muscley men.
“My money’s on the bald one.”
“Nope, the one in the blue shirt.”
“My money’s on the guy still drinking. Get him, freshy!”
I chuckled at the nickname as all care and accountability for my life fell to the wayside. I felt the old Clint emerging. But I welcomed it. I didn’t stuff him down or try to get him to go away. I brought him out to play as I made new friends. Girls in scanty outfits offered me snacks to soak up the alcohol, winking at me. And all I did was nod. None of them held a candle to Rae. Not in body, not in spirit, and not in soul. I wan
ted to drink until Rae’s memory fell away from my mind. Until her words were drowned out by the beer and tequila washing through my system.
I wanted to drink until I didn’t remember this night at all.
Because if she could, then so could I.
“Yeah!” the kids cheered.
“I’m Leslie.”
“I’m Carlie.”
“I’m Ashley.”
I snickered. “You three plan those names, or what?”
They giggled. “Or what.”
When I finally looked over at their unanimous answer, I found myself staring at triplets. Fucking triplets. Brown-haired, doe-eyed beauties with massive tits and beautiful hips. One of them wore nothing but a bikini. Another one wore a long shirt and knee high socks with her boots. The last one was clad in glasses with her hair pulled back. Definitely nailing the librarian sort of look.
“Want a drink, ladies?” I asked.
The one in the bikini stepped up. “Actually, I want to challenge you!”
The crowd roared and all the guys shoved their way to the front. My eyebrows rose as she giggled, but her giggle wasn’t quite like Rae’s. It was harsher, with a snort at the end. Not light and airy and carefree, like Rae’s. Still, I ushered her up to the front and gave her the benefit of the doubt. I knew girls that could drink. No use in denying her a shot to drink me under the table.
Which I knew would never happen.
She smiled before taking her first shot. Then another. She chugged back a beer before wiping her spindly little lips. Then she handed me a beer and picked one up for herself before nodding her head. Silently counting down from five.
And when she hit one…
“Go!” she exclaimed.
The bottle hit my lips and I tilted my head back. And as I drowned my sorrows in cheap-ass college-town beer, Rae’s words spun through my head. I didn’t want anyone else but her. I didn’t want another girl in my life. But she’d obviously been thinking about life after me.
That was painfully clear from her words.
I mean, she’d said it. Just like that. She’d taken care of herself and protected herself before me, and she’d do it after I was gone. Those were her words. She saw a life after me, and I didn’t see a life after her. I saw a future with her. But nothing else. I didn’t see my life without Rae in it. Without her love, and her support, and her beauty, and her intelligence, and her help, and her body.