by Hart, Rebel
Until Allison took it from me.
“I better do that, you think?”
Holy fuck, I think I ruined things for good.
26
Clinton
I felt like fucking garbage. No, worse than garbage. I felt like the garbage’s garbage. The shit that shit threw out. My face kept swelling and I felt a bruise forming despite the fact that the guy at the party couldn't fight worth shit. Or maybe the alcohol had dulled my senses. I didn’t know. My pride was wounded. And for some reason, my damn ribcage hurt. When the hell did I hurt my ribs? I pulled my shirt up and sighed. There were bruises there, too.
Apparently, there was shit I didn’t even remember.
I did remember Rae’s words, though. How much they stung. How determined she was to spit them out. Thinking about them made my heart crack that much more. I forced myself to think about something else. The fries. Oh, these extra crispy fries were the fucking bomb. I inhaled them as the Tylenol kicked in. Along with the hydration of my water. I wanted to get up and get a second glass, but I didn't want to be anywhere near Rae. I didn’t want to talk to her. Or look at her. Or even smell her.
I just wanted to get away from her.
Mike had been a good sport for hauling me into the room. Tossing me on the bed. I wished he hadn’t tossed me near Rae. No matter, though. I owed him big time for helping me away from that party. I picked up my burger and felt the juices of the meat dripping down my face. I took massive bites, swallowing it after barely chewing. My stomach yearned for the nourishment. Yearned for the carbs and the grease to help me sober up. Holy fuck, I’d had way too much to drink.
Never again.
“Clint? Do you want more water?”
“I’ve got some brownies and chocolate cake here. You want dessert?”
“I’m not going to eat all of my breadsticks. Here, I’ll bring you some.”
Rae brought me another glass of water, a mug of coffee, and a bunch of other shit I didn’t want. I refused to look at her as she set everything down. She stood there, waiting for me to acknowledge her. But I didn’t have the energy. I was still licking my wounds. Still dwelling on her words. Still trying to figure out how much she meant and how much she didn’t.
I knew if I talked to her, she’d tell me she meant none of it.
But I knew that wasn’t the case.
All I wanted to do was fill my stomach and pass out in bed. Without talking to Rae. I didn’t want to sleep with her. Or beside her. Or even in the same room as her. I found myself wishing I had never come on this trip. That I had told her she needed to do this by herself. Maybe then, all of this could’ve been avoided.
Or maybe, it would have prompted her to break up with me sooner.
I wasn’t sure which one was better. Or worse.
I cracked my neck and set my dirty plates on the concrete floor of the patio. Then, I continued staring off into space. Not really focusing on one particular thing. Rae kept trying to strike up conversations with her stupid questions. I let her voice fade into the background, jiggling my leg with anxiety that filled my veins. I bobbed my head to a song that was playing on loop in the back of my mind. Some electronic song from the party those idiots kept playing over and over again.
The song sucked.
But it blocked out Rae’s voice.
I hated the way she was talking to me. The way she kept trying to interject herself. Like nothing was fucking wrong. Or like everything was wrong. Why couldn’t she just leave me alone? That’s what she wanted, right? Her space. To be left alone. To leave me and never look back.
I couldn't shake my anger off. And until I was able to swallow it down, I knew it was best for me to keep my distance.
I mean, hell, she probably didn’t remember it anyway! And I wasn’t in the mood to recount her drunken words. I wasn't ready to rehash it. To experience that pain all over again so quickly. I wasn’t a damn masochist. I didn’t want to do that shit. And for once, I prioritized what I wanted over what I figured Rae wanted.
Can I even be mad if she doesn't remember?
Yes. Yes, I fucking could. Because it still hurt. Because it still happened. Murderers that didn’t remember the murder were still tried and found guilty for it. So even if she didn’t remember breaking my heart, that didn’t mean she hadn’t. I licked my lips. I didn’t know why I tasted blood, and I didn't get up to figure out why. Because going to the bathroom meant crossing through the hotel room.
Which meant passing by Rae.
I blinked back tears. What she’d said at the party kept rushing through my head. Torturing me, as if I deserved it. And maybe I did. Maybe I had been a shitty boyfriend that gave her too much space or not enough space or wanted sex too much or not enough. Maybe I had broken her heart or pushed her away or pulled her back too much or not apologized for something. Fucking hell, I didn’t know. And I’d never know, because she didn’t want to speak with me. Or talk about it. All she wanted to do was act as if this shit didn’t exist.
And that didn’t fly with me anymore.
I couldn't shake the feeling that things were over between us. That it was only a matter of time before we parted ways. I wouldn't blame her, though. This was miserable for both of us. I should’ve seen it coming. The way she’d been pulling away. The distance between us lately. How upset I knew she had been when I told her I wasn’t applying to college. She probably expected me to repay her for helping me this year. Repay her by going to college and making something of my life. But I didn't operate that way.
If you wanted to help someone, you shouldn't expect anything in return. Otherwise, it wasn’t really help.
It was debt.
And even still, I knew Rae was a good person. She deserved a good man at her side. A good person of a man. Not like she’d stay with a no-good, dead-end asshole like me for too long. I was lucky to have had her for this long. I knew it was only a matter of time before she realized she could do better. And with the way those men were flirting with her behind that damn frat house, she’d probably realized it tonight.
Hence, her words.
I burped and the world tilted for a second. I finished my glass of water and chased it with the lukewarm mug of coffee. I needed enough energy running through my veins to get a shower. To wash the stench of that damn house off me. I drew in a deep breath before hoisting myself out of the chair. I stumbled against the railing before a soft gasp trickled against my ears.
And as I turned around, I saw everyone staring at me.
Ally, Mike, and Rae.
“Yeah?” I asked.
Mike licked his lips. “We’ve been talking.”
I nodded. “I’m sure.”
Ally cleared her throat. “And we think it might be best for everyone involved if you stay in the room with Mike tonight.”
Rae balked. “Wait, what?”
Mike held up his hand to her. “You can get your things and come take a shower. Our room has a really nice tub, too. You can soak, if you want.”
Rae snickered. “I thought you said we were staying in our own rooms? So you could be with Allison?”
I nodded. “Thanks, man. I appreciate it.”
Ally tried to perk up. “I mean, we can have a girl’s night this way. I’m not tired. We could order another round of desserts and watch a movie. How’s that sound?”
Rae frowned. “I don’t want to eat sweets and watch a movie. I want to talk with Clint.”
I snickered. “Yeah, well. You already did that tonight. Why don’t we save some talking for tomorrow?”
We all fell silent and Rae’s eyes filled with tears. I didn’t want to feel bad for her. She didn’t deserve it. I did anyway.
“But--”
Mike cut Rae off. “Really, Rae. We all need to cool our jets for the night. You said you wanted space, so here it is.”
Rae sighed. “I don’t remember saying that.”
I scoffed. “Doesn’t mean you didn’t.”
Her eyes rose to mine and I walk
ed inside. I couldn't have her staring at me like that all night. I’d cave. Eventually. And I didn’t want to do that. For once, I needed to be away from her. I needed to not be in the same room as her. I quickly grabbed some clothes and got my toiletry bag from the bathroom.
“Ready when you are, Mike.”
I watched him kiss Ally’s forehead before he nodded at Rae. I saw the way Ally looked at Mike. The way their eyes connected with love. It was the way I looked at Rae. Every single time I set eyes on her. But she hadn’t looked at me like that in a while. Rae’s eyes fell against me, and I turned away. I couldn't look at her. It hurt too damn much. The last thing I needed was a reminder of what we didn’t currently have because I couldn't take much more tonight. And as we left the bedroom, I heard Rae sniffling and Ally trying to cheer her up.
“It’s okay, we can all talk tomorrow.”
“Maybe over breakfast in the bedroom?”
“Or we could go out.”
“What movie do you want to wat--”
The hotel door closing behind me cut off their voices. And while I figured it would bring me relief, it didn’t. I felt more tense than ever. I followed Mike to the adjacent door, where he unlocked it and ushered me in.
Holy fuck, their room was much bigger than ours.
“I see you were holding out on us.”
Mike snickered. “Hey, this is Allison and my first time alone like this. Away from parents. I wanted to spoil her a bit.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I remember that stage.”
He sighed. “After some sleep, we can all talk with a clear head. I know Rae feels like shit. But she should feel like shit for a little bit before we fix it. Maybe she just has to learn the hard way.”
“Maybe so.”
“Bathroom’s over there. Use it however long you want. But don’t expect some movie night with treats. My ass is grass, and I need sleep.”
I chuckled. “Thanks. Don’t worry, I’m passing out after a hot shower, too.”
“Good. Hope you don’t snore.”
“Rae’s never said I do. So…”
“So, fall asleep first. Got it.”
I shook my head as a smile crossed my face. Leave it to Mike to cheer me up with some stupid-ass joke. I walked over and patted his shoulder before making my way to the bathroom. I heard the shower calling my name. I paused, gazing around the bathroom. The damn thing was three times the size of ours next door. I closed the door and shed my clothes, then walked beyond the swinging glass door.
I could’ve lain down on the damn floor and gone to sleep, it was so big.
I fiddled with the knobs until that hot water battered against my muscles. It stung at first. Then I adjusted. I felt the stench of the night rushing down my body and swirling down the drain as I soaked myself. My hair dripped into my face. I closed my eyes and let it run over me. I opened my mouth and filled it with the hot water, then gurgled. Multiple times.
Washing the beer from my teeth.
I washed everything twice. My hair. My body. My feet. My hands. The achiness of my bruises went away, and my back fell against the wall. I slid down to the bottom, extending my legs. Resting. Relaxing. Trying to center myself.
I hadn’t felt this off-kilter since my last fight with my father.
Fucking hell, Rae.
I didn’t know what this meant for us. Or if there was an ‘us’ any longer. All I knew was that I needed to relax enough to sleep. I needed to stay away from the parties and the weed. Just in case any of those jobs called me back for an interview.
Shit, the interviews.
Should I still interview around town?
I slid down the wall until my back fell against the floor. I gazed up at the ceiling as steam enveloped me. I didn’t know what to do any longer. I mean, I had passed out my resume because I wanted to surprise Rae with it. Getting a job around here so I could move with her. So I could be with her. So I could be next to her and cheer her on instead of having to commute an hour just to see one another.
But if we broke up, what was the point?
What was the point of any of it?
27
Raelynn
“Okay, that’s it. There you go. Get it out, Rae.”
I coughed and choked as I thrust my head into the toilet.
“Maybe, next time, opt for some soup. Might come up easier.”
I groaned. “Shut up, Alli--oh.”
She rubbed my back and held my hair up as my entire life came up into the hotel room toilet. Two o’clock. My stomach woke me up at two o’clock and I almost didn’t make it to the bathroom. My entire body hurt. In between my heaving spells, Allison helped me get out of my clothes. I was in nothing but my bra now. Completely bare, except for my tits being held up.
“There we go. Think you got enough time to get this off?”
I felt her unfasten the bra and it slid down my arms. I coughed into the toilet. I spat. I tried desperately to get that taste out of my mouth. And as I sat back onto the floor, Allison finished getting my bra off my body.
Leaving me stark naked on the cold floor.
“I’m going to get you a shower going. You can sit down in it and finish getting sick there.”
I sighed. “I’d rather die.”
She snickered. “Don’t talk such nonsense. Once we get you showered and cleaned up, you’ll be fine.”
“I fucked everything up.”
I curled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around myself. I placed my head against my knees, wondering how the hell I’d fix this. I heard the shower turn on and the heat of the water called to me. I felt my stomach already gearing up for round three. Or was it four?
Allison helped me up.
“All right. In you go so I can clean up the bathroom.”
Tears rushed down my cheeks as I stepped inside.
“Holy shit, that’s hot.”
“Yep. And it’ll wash you clean. It’ll relax your body so you can get this stuff out of your system.”
I hissed. “Why did I insist we go to that party?”
She snickered. “Because you’re an idiot. That’s why.”
She closed the curtain and I sat down on the floor. I heard her cleaning up. Flushing the toilet. Spraying perfume around. I leaned against the wall and let my tears fall. And on the other side of the wall, there was nothing. I hadn’t heard a sound from the guys in a while. I mean, sure. I’d been asleep. But they had been making noise over there before I passed out.
Now there was nothing.
I sighed. “Do you think he’ll come back?”
Allison paused. “I’m not sure, actually. You really hurt him tonight.”
I tried not to cry anymore. “What did I say?”
“You really don’t remember?”
“Only bits and pieces of the night.”
“But not the fight?”
“No. Not really.”
“Convenient.”
I furrowed my brow. “What?”
She cleared her throat. “We can talk about this tomorrow. We’re all really tired, and I honestly don’t feel like recounting the night right now.”
“Must’ve been bad if you don’t want to talk about it.”
“Yeah, Rae. It was. And honestly, I’d like to know where in the world it came from.”
I shook my head. I opened my mouth and gargled some hot water just to get the taste of vomit off my tongue. How in the world could I explain my doubts to Allison? This fear that had been implanted within me? Would Clint understand if I tried explaining it to him? Probably not. I mean, he was very supportive. All the time. Hell, he’d offered to help me in any way possible with figuring out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life!
It didn’t get better than that.
So why did I still have doubts?
“You awake, Rae?”
I nodded. “Yeah. Unfortunately.”
Allison sat next to the shower. “Don’t talk like that.”
“Well, it’s how I feel.
”
“Still?”
“If you don’t want to know, don’t ask.”
She sighed. “You’ve been angry at the world for a long time now.”
“I’m always angry at the world.”
“Not in a brooding way, Rae. In a lashing-out kind of way. It’s been like this for weeks. Since before we graduated.”
I shrugged. “I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Want to know my theory?”
“Sure. Why not?”
“I think you’re upset that Clint doesn’t want to go to college.”
I snickered. “He can do whatever he wants with his life. Just like me.”
Allison laughed bitterly. “If you don’t want to have this talk now, you sure as hell won’t be able to have it tomorrow. So either get honest with yourself and own up to things, or shut up and deal.”
My eyebrows rose. “I’ve never heard you curse so much.”
“I’ve never been this upset with anyone before.”
“I’m sorry, Allison.”
“Me, too. For you and for Clint. So let’s try to sort at least a little bit of this out before tomorrow comes.”
“I love you.”
She stuck her hand in the shower. “I love you, too. So talk to me. Be honest with yourself for once.”
I gazed at the shadow beyond the shower curtain. The shadow of my wise, intelligent, beautiful best friend. I cleared my throat and gargled some water again. Trying to give myself some time to gather my thoughts.
“Clint’s been so good to me, you know. He deserves better than all this.”
Allison nodded. “Yes. He does.”
“And you’re right. I’m a bit upset with him that he won't go to college.”
“You know he doesn’t owe you that for helping him, right?”
I paused. “Who the hell said anything about him owing me?”
“That’s why you’re upset, right?”
“Hell, no. I’m upset because it wasn’t even a decision for Michael to follow you to school. But Clint doesn’t--”
She squeezed my hand. “You think Clint doesn’t want to be with you as badly as you want to be with him.”