by Hart, Rebel
I wouldn't wait to tell him.
With the pregnancy test in my purse, I stopped by a baby boutique on the way home. I found the cutest pair of white baby sneakers with pale yellow racing stripes. Very gender neutral, but completely cute in the process. I bought a small bag with some tissue paper and put the entire thing together right there at the cashier’s desk. Who was just as excited as I was. I talked about the baby names I’d already come across. Most of which were for a boy. I grabbed the cutest ‘you’re going to be a father!’ card and scribbled a little something down into it. And after slipping it into the colorful bag, the cashier rang me up.
“That’ll be $32.24, Momma.”
Momma.
The word brought tears of happiness to my eyes.
I was excited to talk with Clint now. I raced home with the bag taunting me from the passenger’s seat. I couldn't wait to give him the gift. I knew he’d be so surprised, and so shocked, and so happy for us. I found myself lost in it all. Imagining Clint holding our baby boy. Or girl, for that matter. I saw him kissing our child’s forehead. Running around with them outside. Teaching him, or her, how his motorcycle worked.
My heart leapt with delight at the thought.
I parked my car and quickly scrambled out. I slammed the door closed as the beeping of the locks chirped at me. I rushed for the stairs, taking them two by two. Not bothering to change into my flats. Which I regretted by the fourth floor when I could barely catch my breath.
“Clint!” I called out breathlessly.
I finally made it to the sixth floor and shuffled to our door.
“Clint, you home?” I asked.
Exhaustion settled into my bones. I opened the front door and dropped my purse off to the side, ready to give Clint his present. But I was greeted with absent lights and silence.
Is he really not home yet?
“Clint!” I yelled.
The only thing that echoed back at me was my own voice. I slipped my hand into my pocket and pulled out my phone.
“Hey there, babe. I’m so sorry. I’m running incredibly behind. Give me another hour and I’ll be home. Okay?” he asked.
I closed the door behind me. “What’s keeping you at work now? I mean, not that I’m nagging. But this has become a pretty frequent thing.”
“I know, I know. But, it’s almost done. I swear. Once we can get past this--”
“You know we need to finish packing up, right?”
He sighed. “I know. I promise, I’m going to finish that with you before we go to bed tonight.”
“And I haven’t even thought about dinner yet.”
“I’ll pick something up on the way home.”
I suddenly felt overwhelmed. “Have you confirmed with the moving guys, too? Because tomorrow’s our day and we still have the entire bathroom to pack and I don’t think our office is completely packed up either, and I--”
“Rae, take a breath for me.”
I rushed down the hallway and turned the corner. I gazed into his office, and what I saw frustrated the hell out of me.
“Have you not been home all day?” I asked.
He paused. “Why do you ask?”
“Your office hasn’t even been touched!”
“Rae, I’m telling you. You have nothing to worry about.”
“We move in less than twenty-four hours and there’s not a box in your office. Not a single one.”
“Which is going to be remedied when I get home.”
I sighed. “Why couldn’t you just--”
I pinched the bridge of my nose to try and keep myself under control.
“I know you’re frustrated. And I know you feel overwhelmed right now. But I promise you, I have this more under control than it looks. Okay? Do you trust me?”
I swallowed hard. “Yeah. Yeah, I do. I trust you.”
“Good. Now, get yourself a glass of wine, take a load off, and I’ll be home with dinner in about an hour and a half. Sound good?”
I can’t have wine. “Yeah. Yeah, sounds good.”
“Okay. I’ll be home soon, beautiful. You have my word.”
I didn't want to unload my frustration on him, so I simply hung up. I knew it wasn’t a smart move. I knew it wasn’t mature. But I felt my disappointment mounting. I walked out of his office and back into the main room. I looked at the brightly-colored gift bag sitting on its side on the floor. Cast to the side, like I felt sometimes. I mean, I knew Clint was busy. I knew his self-publishing career had taken off. I knew what he had to go through in order to make it work, too. I mean, he edited his own stuff. Marketed his own stuff. Formatted his own stuff. He kept up his own website and regularly updated his blog followers. Hell, the only thing he outsourced were his book covers. And I knew if he figured out how to do that, he’d do that himself too.
But all I wanted was to spend our last night in this apartment together.
Without having to work so damn hard.
I made myself a cup of tea and sat down. The boxes loomed over me while I sat there. I hated it. I hated that those boxes were there, but Clint wasn’t. I hated that these boxes were here to greet me, but he hadn’t been. And I knew it was stupid. I knew I was being irrational. But that’s how these things worked. Right? I came home with good news, and he was supposed to be here for it!
He hasn’t been home all day, though.
What the hell had he been doing all day?
The longer I sat there, the more angry I became. I finally set down my tea and got up. I picked up a few empty boxes and made my way into his office, determined to get a jumpstart on this bullshit. I grumbled to myself as I packed up books. I blinked back tears of agitation as I stacked file folders on top of one another and made sure everything was saved on his laptop before unplugging it.
The more I packed, the more I felt like I had been set on the backburner.
This isn’t the first time this has happened.
For weeks now, Clint had been working long hours on the weekends. Going off on all these random meetings and staying away for hours. When he was usually holed up in his office, typing his head off, these past few weeks had been different. I mean, how many meetings with his cover designer did he need? How much research did he really have to do?
You don’t think…?
I pushed the thought away. No. No way in hell Clint was cheating. He wasn’t capable of it. But, in some ways, he was. Something else had taken priority over me and this move. Me and the life we had built together. Suddenly, spending weekends with me seemed like a chore. Coming home to me seemed to be getting later and later. Almost like he didn’t want to do it.
“You’re blowing this out of proportion,” I murmured.
That didn’t stop my mind from running away with me, though.
Which did nothing to halt my anger.
6
Clinton
I shook my head as I slipped my key into the door. I knew I was going to have my ass handed to me. I just knew it. It was damn near nine o’clock, and I was just getting home with food in my hands. Food that had grown cold, mind you. I opened the door and braced myself. I readied myself to have to put out the energy to make us a fresh meal this late at night.
And that energy output wouldn't touch the packing I still had to do.
“Rae?” I called out.
“Hmm?”
I closed the door behind me. “Where are you?”
“On the couch.”
I locked the door and turned the corner into the living room. She sat there with a book in her lap, clutching a coffee mug. But it didn’t have coffee in it. I saw the string and the tab from a tea bag fluttering over the side. Her damp hair with the smell of lavender told me everything I needed to know.
I grinned. “Did you have your last bath in this dingy old apartment?”
She didn’t look up from her book. “Yes.”
“Well, it smells good.”
She nodded absentmindedly. “Thanks.”
I sensed her mood and gu
ilt seized my gut. I knew we had plans to pack together, but Mike and I had gotten on a roll. What started out as a steak lunch quickly morphed into an adventure to redo the crown molding throughout the house. And damn it, the place looked great. It was completely ready for us to move into tomorrow.
I knew Rae would understand that once she saw the place.
“So do you want to eat first? Or pack while we eat?” I asked.
She sipped her tea. “Already did it.”
“Already ate?”
“No. Already packed.”
I felt my face pale. “Shit. I’m so sorry, Rae.”
“It’s fine.”
“I wanted to help you. Seriously. It’s just--”
“You stayed out late. It happens.”
I walked over to her. “You didn’t do all of it, did you?”
She nodded. “Your office, the rest of the kitchen, and the bathroom.”
I winced. “Did you happen to save what was on my laptop first?”
She snapped her book closed. “I’m not an idiot, Clint.”
“I know. I know. I just--I was asking. That’s all.”
She finally looked up at me. “I didn’t know how late you’d be. And you know I don’t like leaving things to the last minute. I had to get it done to have a clear head. It is what it is. You're welcome.”
The food dropped from my hands as I sat down next to her on the couch. I placed my hand on her thigh, but she didn’t lean into me. Hell, she didn’t even look at me. All she did was flip her book back open. I mean, she didn’t even twitch!
“Look. I know I haven’t been home as much these last few weeks like I said I’d be. But, there’s a good reason for it, I promise.”
She nodded. “And what’s that?”
I paused. “I can’t tell you.”
She snickered. “Of course not.”
“Rae, it’s not like--Rae?”
She shot up from the couch and rolled her eyes. She let out a huff of a sigh before picking up her tea mug. She wiped at her thigh, like she couldn't stand the heat of my residual touch. And it was an action that made my heart sink even further into my legs. I watched her as she rounded into the kitchen. She washed out her mug before drying it off. Then her eyes hooked with mine as she picked up a piece of newspaper.
She held my stare while wrapping it up.
And it wasn’t until she placed it in a box that her eyes fell away.
“Rae, come on.”
She shook her head. “I’m going to bed. I’m exhausted.”
I stood up. “Rae, please. Can we just talk about this?”
Her eyes filled with fire as she turned on me.
“This is our last night in this place. Don't you get that? Our very last night. We’ve spent years in this place together, Clint. The things these walls have seen? The things they’ve witnessed? The things they’ve heard? It’s all here. And all I wanted was to spend it with you. That’s it. You told me ninety minutes. An hour and a half. And look at you! Strolling in four hours later with inedible food in tow, for what? An apology? Me jumping into your arms and rejoicing that my big, strong man is finally home?”
I snickered. “You know damn good and well that’s never what I’d expect of you.”
“So what do you want me to do right now, Clint? Huh? Act like you aren’t four hours late? Act like you're just fine? Act like you haven’t been ditching me every fucking weekend for the past two months and coming home later and later than promised? I thought this was important to you, too. Just this one night.”
“It is, Rae. I’m telling you, just--”
“Well, it doesn’t feel like it.”
Just tell her about the damn surprise. It’s not worth all this.
“What if I make us a fresh dinner? I think we’ve got some noodles still in the pantry,” I said.
“Packed that up, too. I kept enough out for coffee and toast in the morning. Help yourself,” she said.
Fucking hell, she thought of everything tonight.
I fought with my mind. If I just told her, this would all go away. But then I’d ruin the surprise Mike and I had sunk endless hours into for the past eight weeks. Maybe that was for the best, though. Surprising her with it tonight. I could take her over to the house. We could pick up something on the way there and have a late dinner at our new place. Just the two of us.
And that carpet’s all nice and fluffy now.
“I’m going to bed. Enjoy your night,” Rae said.
I rushed for her and took her hand within mine. She paused in the hallway, but she didn’t turn to face me. As odd as it was, this was one of those things I loved about Rae. Even when she couldn't stand to look at me, she always held my hand. She always let me know, with that one simple gesture, that she was still there. Still hanging on.
Even if she was upset.
“I’m not blowing you off like you think I am.”
She sighed. “Where were you tonight? Because that’s what it feels like you’ve done.”
“I promise you, that’s not what’s happening. Look at me, Rae.”
She shook her head, but I insisted.
“Please? Just for a few seconds.”
She sighed as she turned to face me. And I noticed a glow about her cheeks. Her damp hair framed her gorgeous face and her skin was full of color and life. She had this aura about her that dragged me in. Every time she looked at me, she dragged me in. But something was different.
I cupped her cheek. “You have to trust me. Okay? I know I haven’t been home much. I know you’ve sacrificed your weekend with me for something you’re not sure about yet. But I promise you, with everything we are, that none of this has to do with me not wanting to be here. All right? I swear it. Give me until tomorrow morning and you’ll see. Do you trust me?”
She sighed. “Does this have to do with the house?”
“You’ll have to trust me.”
“Clint, is something wrong?”
I cupped her face with both of my hands. “Do you. Trust me?”
She searched my eyes. “Yes. Of course I trust you.”
“Then trust me on this.”
“No more weekends gone.”
I nodded. “You have my word.”
“And no more late nights. I don’t like this. I don’t like how it feels and what my mind does when you’re gone like that.”
My lips fell against hers in a soft kiss. “I love you. And only you. Don’t ever let your mind convince you of that.”
Her forehead pressed against mine. “I love you, too.”
With one last kiss, I released her to the bedroom. I watched her walk into the darkened expanse with the smallest limp and made a mental note to give her a massage once I crawled into bed. I just had to take a shower, brush my teeth, and get these damn clothes off me.
But first, some food.
I turned to look for the bag of cold food. Because at this point, cold food was better than no food. Something caught my eye, though. Something by the front door. It looked yellow, almost. Yellow, and white.
“What the hell?” I murmured.
I walked over to the random object on the floor and found it wasn’t an object at all. Rather, it was a present. The tissue sticking out of the top was white and yellow, just like the sparkling bag. The ribbon handles felt soft against my fingertips. I picked it up, furrowing my brow as I walked back toward the hallway.
“Hey, Rae? What’s this?”
And when I walked into our bathroom to show her the gift bag, I watched her eyes widen.
7
Rae
“Hey, Rae? What's this?”
My eyes widened as his words hit my ears. The toothbrush in my hand stopped moving as foam dripped from my lips. Where had I put that gift? I could’ve sworn I picked it up. I had every intention of putting it in the closet for a rainy day. That gift certainly wasn’t appropriate for tonight, anyway. My eyes locked with the mirror as I watched him stand in the doorway. I saw the yellow and white sparkli
ng bag dangle from his fingertips. My heart froze in my chest. I felt my legs go numb. Oh, no. How in the world could I have forgotten to put that away?
He grinned sheepishly. “Did you buy me a present? Is that why you wanted me home so badly?”
I shook my head and started mumbling, but I felt foam dripping onto my shirt. I wiped it away and quickly turned around, trying my best to finish up my teeth for the night. Clinton chuckled as I jammed my face beneath the faucet. I rinsed my mouth out and let my toothbrush sit at the bottom of the sink. With traces of toothpaste still sitting on my chin, I whipped back around, trying to wrack my brain for some way to pry that gift out of his hands.
And when I saw that he already had a ball of tissue paper in his hand, I panicked.
“What was that? I think you had your mouth full.”
“Wait!”
He paused, his eyes staying connected with me. “Okay. Why?”
What in the world am I going to say? If he looks down, he’ll see that damn test!
I wasn’t ready for this. I wasn’t ready for another fight tonight. Another letdown. Another emotional meltdown moment. It would be real once he saw. Once he knew. Once he acknowledged. And after tonight, I wasn’t ready for it. Surprises were supposed to be picture-perfect. They were supposed to happen to happy couples with their lives pieced together in just the right fashion. And tonight wasn’t one of those nights.
I needed more time.
Tomorrow. After we move tomorrow will be the perfect time.
I could even give it to him in the room I wanted to have as the nursery. Yes, that’s it. I could take him down the hallway, stand him in the middle of that smaller room at the back of the house, and give him the gift then. In the afterglow of moving seemed like the perfect time. My heart was now set on it.
I just had to get that damn present out of his grip.
“Rae? You okay?”
I lunged for him. “Give me that.”
He held the gift over his head. “Uh-uh-uh! No takesies backsies.”
I jumped for it. “Don’t. Seriously. You weren’t supposed to see--”