You know the answer to that one.
You know…
“Thank you.” I move away from the mirror. “I should go and see how Celine is getting on, our first guests will be here soon. I’ll leave you to get ready.”
As I pass, he reaches out and rests a hand on my hip, and I stop. And I look at him. And my stomach jolts for all the wrong reasons, confusion and that irrational fear swamping me.
Irrational fear?
You’re scared because you have every reason to be.
“We need to talk, Olivia.”
“Now isn’t the time.”
“Now is the perfect time. Come. Sit down, please.”
I perch myself on the edge of the bed.
“I won’t be a moment.”
He disappears back into the closet, emerging just minutes later in dark-gray suit pants and a white shirt, the sleeves rolled up over his forearms, he looks so handsome, and whatever else I’m feeling I can’t deny that.
“You and I, Olivia, we have always been a team, no?”
I look at him as he sits down opposite me, leaning forward, his hands clasped between his knees, his eyes staring deep into mine. “Yes.”
“I want that to continue. I want you and I to run this cartel, together.”
Okay…
But that means you have no choice but to stay here, with him.
When the hell was there ever another option…?
There could be…
I take a moment, and a long, deep breath as I look at a man I once loved beyond life itself, but who now feels more like a stranger. And I hate that that’s happening, but the reality of this fucked-up situation is brutal. “I was under the impression that I would no longer be needed anymore.”
He arches an eyebrow, and frowns. “You are very much needed, hermosa.”
“You walked into this house, like you hadn’t been dead for over two years, and you took all control back, just like that. And now you’ve had a sudden change of heart?”
“Let’s just say that people have given me cause to rethink my plans.” He smiles at me, and again my stomach flips over but it’s out of a wariness I haven’t felt with this man since the evening I first went to his Mexican estate. That ill-thought-out night when I’d been blinded by his charm; his good looks. “What you did in my absence, Olivia, went beyond remarkable.”
“Don’t patronize me, Javier.”
“Lo siento. Forgive me, I didn’t mean for it to sound that way, but what you did was remarkable. You kept this business going, you brought people into our circle that can only be beneficial to us. You gained their trust, and because of that I have contacts who only want to deal with you. Endo French, for one.”
“You’ve spoken to him?”
“It’s his product we have stashed away in the bikers’ warehouse. Eddie and I spoke to him this afternoon, I gather he’s on his way to San Diego as we speak?”
“He is.”
“You’ll have dinner with him. As he requested. Sort out the details. You don’t need me there.”
I frown, because I’m still slightly confused. “You said you want you and I to run this cartel together?”
“I did. And that’s what we’re going to do. Together, we can achieve so much more, Olivia. Why would I want to side-line you now?”
That had been his intention, initially, I’m sure of it. And, for some reason, something still doesn’t feel quite right about all of this, and I think I need to be on my guard.
“I thought I could just come back and pick up the reins, I’ll admit that. I underestimated you. And even though Lucca was keeping me updated, on everything this side of the border, not being there with you, I couldn’t see for myself how you were really doing. How you were finding your own methods of doing business, coping with everything in a way I have only extreme admiration for.”
I still get the feeling he’s patronizing me slightly, but I keep quiet. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Even though I don’t feel like I have to prove anything to him, not anymore.
“I love you, Olivia. So much.”
There had once been a time when I wouldn’t have even drawn breath before I told him I loved him too, and yet, now, I’m hesitating.
Because you love someone else…
“I love you, too.”
I have to say the words even if I’m not sure how much I actually mean them. And maybe I do still love him, I just don’t know if it’s the same kind of love I felt before. I don’t know if I feel that anymore. And that realization is like a kick to the gut, but it’s one I can’t ignore.
He gets up; sits down beside me and I breathe him in – the lime shower gel, the musk-scented shampoo he always used to use; still uses. He takes my hand and I watch as his fingers interlace with mine. He’s still wearing his wedding ring. I’m still wearing mine.
“You never took it off,” he murmurs as he runs his thumb over the thin platinum band on my finger.
“I never had any intention of doing that.”
A lie.
The second I’d started to feel something for Lucca, I’d been working up to that moment when I’d remove Javier’s ring. And that moment had been close. So close…
He smiles; reaches out and presses his palm lightly against my cheek. “I missed you so much, Olivia.”
Did he, though? Did he miss me at all? Did he stop missing me like I, eventually, stopped missing him…?
“I missed you too.”
Again, I’m saying words I’m not sure I still mean, but they’re words he needs to hear. And I close my eyes as his mouth touches mine, and I feel my stomach dip and dance, but it isn’t because a million tiny butterflies are suddenly flying around in there, it’s because I’m scared. Of him. Of this. Of what’s going on in my head, the things I’ve done; what I was so close to doing.
What you still wish you could do…?
“This is a new beginning for us, Olivia. For the cartel. For the family. We have so much to look forward to.”
I smile and squeeze his hand, just to remind myself that he’s real. That he’s alive.
“We should go downstairs. Guests will be arriving soon.”
He presses his hand firmly against my cheek as he kisses me again, and for a moment I lose myself in that kiss; in him. A man I have put my life on the line for, so many times.
“Come, mi amor. Let’s go and greet our guests.”
He smiles and pulls me up with him, his hand still clinging tightly onto mine.
A new beginning.
We have so much to look forward to.
So much…
Lucca
She’s looks beautiful as she floats around the garden, mingling with the crazy mess of guests at this party – senators mingling with bikers; high-ranking officials deep in conversation with drug dealers and gun-runners, and she’s taking it all in her stride. As she has done since the day she’d thought Javier was dead.
The day you started lying to her…
But the smile on her face is fixed, most of the time, I know her well enough to be able to read her now; spent too much time with her not to know when something’s wrong. She isn’t happy.
Neither are you…
“You look pissed off, brother.”
I turn my head to see Angel leaning back against the wall, a beer in one hand, the other in his pocket.
“Something up?”
“No. Everything’s fine.”
There’s more than a touch of sarcasm attached to that retort, but I think he gets that.
“You think she is?” He jerks his head in Olivia’s direction, just as Javier appears, his arm sliding comfortably around her waist as he pulls her against him. He’s acting like he’s never been away, never faked his own death in order to kick-start a war. But she’s finding that a little harder to do, and the second he touches her I’m sure I saw her, just briefly, flinch slightly. Or maybe that’s just what I want to
see.
“Whatever she’s feeling, it’s not really any of our business, is it?”
“Isn’t it?” Angel swigs back a mouthful of beer, and I frown. “You two got real close while Javier was away, huh?”
“It was my job, to keep her close. To protect her.”
To lie to her…
“Not anymore.”
No. Not anymore. I’m back to being Javier’s faithful lieutenant, and I can’t ignore the almost constant pain that rips through my heart now. And yet, I always knew this was coming. Always knew he’d be back, at some point.
Always knew you were in love with Olivia…
And yet I still, at times, got too comfortable. Too complacent.
I fucked up.
“I hear Endo French is on his way to San Diego,” Angel continues, realizing I’m not rising to his bait. Not talking to him about Olivia, or the way I feel about her, because he’s fishing. But he’ll get nothing.
“He’s one of the Pino cartel’s most important business contacts. And we have his product, so it stands to reason he wants to talk about it. Finalize the details.”
“Word is he only wants to deal with Olivia. You know if that’s true?”
“Yeah,” I sigh, leaning back against a palm tree. “He’s not the only one, either. Guess it’s going to take a bit of time for some people to get used to Javier being back in control.”
“And how’s he feel about that?”
“Javier deals with things the way he always has. He does what’s best for the cartel, and right now, having Olivia by his side is crucial, even if it hadn’t been his initial intention.”
“And what about you?”
I shoot him a look through narrowed eyes. “What about me?”
He takes another swig of beer. “You and Olivia, something was happening there, between the two of you. Am I right?”
I shake my head, but inside there’s real fear starting to build. Were we that obvious? Did we, unwittingly, let something show? Eddie’s already alluded to it, and now Angel?
“Nothing can ever happen, between me and Olivia.”
“That isn’t what I asked, brother.”
His eyes hold mine, and I shake my head again, and this time he gets the message.
There is no you and Olivia.
But there could’ve been.
Should’ve been…
“Must’ve been tough for you, having to keep that secret from so many people.” Angel finally shifts his focus, and I follow his gaze. Olivia and Javier are still playing the perfect couple, because I’m absolutely certain that they can never be the people they were before Javier’s planned disappearance.
Is that what you’re hoping…?
Too much has changed. People have changed.
Have you changed…?
All around us people are celebrating Javier’s return from the dead, and I can’t help but wonder how much of his shit Hawkins is losing right now. He’ll be paying us a visit, that’s a given, but we’re ready for him.
I glance over at Olivia as she stares up at Javier, she’s doing what she has to do, I’m not entirely sure it’s what she wants. And the ache I feel in my chest is crushing as he squeezes her waist and kisses her, and she laughs and holds onto him, and it’s so fucking painful to watch .
Javier and Olivia Delgado.
The perfect couple.
Powerful.
Beautiful.
Dangerous.
“I need a drink,” I mutter under my breath as I push past Angel and head back inside the house, where it’s slightly quieter, and make my way to the kitchen.
“Everything okay, Señor Pérez?”
Celine looks up from the pile of dishes and plates she’s just retrieved from the dishwasher.
“Everything’s fine, Celine. I just needed a breather from the party, that’s all. A few minutes to myself.”
She smiles and bustles over to the stove, where there’s several pots of something that smells incredible bubbling away.
“It’s been a crazy couple of days, no?”
“Tell me about it,” I sigh, leaning back against the counter and crossing my arms.
“If you’re hungry, I’m cooking a batch of chili verde. With pork. This one’s just about ready, and there are some fresh, homemade tortillas over by the fridge.”
I reach for a spoon, dipping it into the pot and lifting out some of the chilli to taste. “Perfecto!”
Celine smiles and grabs a bowl from the rack, ladling a good portion of chili into it.
“Enjoy. I wanted to make sure I had enough food ready in case anyone’s hungry later, and I know this is one of Señor Delgado’s favorites.”
I take the bowl and set it down on the counter while I fetch myself a couple of fresh tortillas, and some cheese from the fridge. And I sit and I eat and I chat with Celine about her son and the new couch she’s having delivered next week, and I let myself get lost in her excitement about innocent, everyday things. It’s a welcome break from the shit going on in my own, fucked-up world.
“Olivia has been so kind to us,” Celine sighs as she stirs the pots of chili. “What she has had to go through…” She shakes her head, turns around, and smiles the biggest smile. “But Javier, he’s back now. All our prayers have been answered!”
Mine haven’t.
“Yeah. I guess they have.” I push my empty bowl away and pick up my beer. “That was delicious, Celine. But I should get back to the party now.”
“You’re welcome. You need to keep your strength up, sometimes you men, you forget to eat.” She shakes her head again as she clears the table. “That’s not good.”
I smile at her attempt to mock-scold, and she shoos me out of her kitchen with the flick of the towel hanging from her apron. “Go, enjoy the rest of the party.”
I’m not there to enjoy myself, I’m there to protect Javier. To protect his queen, when she’s with him. When she isn’t, that job falls to other men. And once more I feel like a dagger’s been thrust into my heart, and I regret, with every fiber of my being, letting myself give in to the feelings I had for Olivia: have, for Olivia. They haven’t gone away. I’d only just started to allow them to bubble up to the surface, and now I’m not sure I can forget they ever existed. I have memories now, of what she feels like, tastes like. Being that close to her ceased to be a fantasy, and it’s now a dangerous reality.
I’m in love with Olivia Delgado.
And I’m almost certain that she’s in love with me…
Olivia
“Is something wrong?”
Javier tucks his phone back into his jacket pocket. “Hawkins is on his way over here.”
I go over to him and tug gently on his shirt collar to straighten it. “You were never going to be able to come back from the dead and keep off Hawkins’ radar. And right now, I can only imagine that he is not a happy man.”
Javier smirks as he takes my hands in his. “Rumor has it the last time Detective Hawkins was a happy man was the day he found out I’d died.”
I laugh quietly and he kisses me, and still I’m feeling nothing. But I have to pretend that something’s there, I don’t have a choice. “That’s not a rumor, Javier”
He laughs too, his hand sliding around to the base of my spine.
“And, to be honest, I’m surprised it’s taken him this long to pay us a visit.”
He pulls me closer against him as we stand in the deserted courtyard, a place which is off-limits to guests tonight.
“It’s so good to be home,” he murmurs into my hair as his hand gently presses against my back. And I know he wants us to be closer than this, we haven’t been together, like this, for two years, and I also know I can’t push him away forever. I have to pretend even harder. I can’t give him a reason to start asking questions, he can’t find out about Lucca and me.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, cupping his face in my hands as I look into his eyes. Dark, d
angerous eyes, and I feel a sliver of fear cut through me, but I don’t let it show. Again, that’s something I can’t afford to do. “I know it must feel like I’m pushing you away…”
“It’s okay, mi amor.” He smiles the most beautiful smile, and for a moment the old Javier is back, and I’m remembering good times and happy memories and I let that moment last a little while longer. “This can’t be easy for you, I understand that. You need more time, and that’s fine.”
“Is it?”
He kisses me, his fingers sliding between mine, and although the relief is temporary, I’m taking it.
“I’m just glad to be home, Olivia. And of course I want to be close to you, I’ve been away from you for far too long, but all of that can wait. We have all the time in the world now.”
His words should be making me the happiest woman alive, to have a man I once adored to the point of obsession back in my arms when I’d thought he was never coming back. But I’m still numb. Still cold. Still feeling nothing. So I change the subject.
“What are we going to do about Hawkins?”
“I can handle him.” Javier kisses me again, a slow, lingering kiss that almost threatens to kick up some of that love I fear I’ve lost for him, but the second he pulls away from me that tiny surge of hope is extinguished. Because it never really existed, the only man who’s filling my head these days is Lucca. A man I’m not sure I can ever have.
You can’t, have him.
But it doesn’t stop me wanting him.
“I should warn Eddie,” Javier continues, pulling out his phone. “Doubtless the police will be paying them a visit too.” He puts his phone to his ear and smiles at me. “You should get back to the party, mi amor. But I’d like you by my side when Hawkins gets here.”
“I’ll be there.”
I leave him in the courtyard and head back into the house, passing by the kitchen first to make sure Celine is okay, and to thank her for the food tonight, it’s delicious, as usual, before I rejoin the party. Lucca’s out by the pool, and for a moment I just stand there and watch him, he has his back to me, his head up, his eyes staring forward, his hands in his pockets, and I wonder what he’s thinking about. And now everything I should be feeling for Javier is hurtling forward, so fast it’s making me breathless, because those feelings are now all for this man in front of me. And it hurts so much, this love, because it feels so out of reach. An impossible love.
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