by James, J. P.
20
Conor
The phone rings, but I’m too depressed to speak to anyone, so I let it go to voicemail. I sit at my kitchen table in the dark and stare at the back door hoping Bryce will walk through it, but deep down inside I know he won’t. It’s been weeks since we last saw each other and he’s probably back in New York City now. After all, he did wait in Smithtown a long time for me.
The last night he came over we had rough passionate sex and I thought he’d changed his mind about leaving, but when I woke up, he was gone. I cried my eyes out that day and even called in sick at the pre-school because I couldn’t crawl out of bed. Bryce leaving hurt more than losing Ryan and it’ll probably take a million years to get over the pain.
I understand why he wanted to be open about our relationship, but I just couldn’t bear the thought of everyone’s reaction when they found out I was already deeply in love with someone else so soon after my late husband passed. Now I regret keeping our relationship a secret because it caused me to lose the man that I love.
I bury my face in my hands and weep endless tears. I just can’t seem to stop crying. It feels as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest and I feel completely empty with Bryce. My nights are cold and lonely, and I end up sobbing myself to sleep every evening. I’ve never been this sad before in my entire life. I finally found the man of my dreams, but now he’s gone and it’s all my fault.
I miss him more and more each day, and my body yearns to be held in his arms. I don’t know what I’m going to do without him. My mind is flooded with memories of his warmth and goodness, and my heart refuses to let him go. I miss curling up next to him at night and waking up next to his massive body. Now I eat dinner alone every night and stare at an empty seat across from me.
Bryce is an alpha male, so I should’ve known he was going to get tired of sneaking in and out of my home. All he wanted to do was profess his love for me to everyone that we know, but I was too afraid to let myself be happy. For some strange reason, I felt like I was supposed to still be sad over Ryan’s death, and that if I showed even the slightest bit of happiness, that meant I was dishonoring his memory. I felt like I had to suffer in order to prove how much I really loved him when he was alive, but now I know I was all wrong.
The phone rings again. Dammit, who could it be? I haven’t spoken to anyone outside of the preschool in days, and I’ve become a recluse ever since Bryce left. I stare at the phone hoping the ringing will stop, but what if it’s Bryce? I dash to the phone hoping against hope to hear my lover’s baritone voice. I answer with haste.
“Hello?” I say with my fingers crossed.
“Hey hon, it’s me Nancy,” my mother in law says. My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach and my shoulders slump. Bryce isn’t coming back and I need to accept that.
“Hi Nancy,” I say somberly.
“How are you? I’ve been calling all day to check up on you,” she says. That’s very sweet of her, but I can’t tell her that I’ve been moping around my house for the last two weeks.
“I’m okay,” I lie. I’ve been crying so much that my eyelids are swollen and I have to use icepacks every morning to make the puffiness go down.
I want to tell her everything that’s been going on, but I don’t know how. Ryan was her son and she wanted us to be together forever, so my truth will be a betrayal for her. Yet my heart aches and I feel so lonely. I really could use a shoulder to cry on. Nancy’s always been there when I needed her, but how can I tell her the truth without her hating me? She’ll probably call me a tramp and scream bloody murder.
“Are you sure, hon?” she asks, sensing that something is off. She knows me so well and I’m surprised I was able to hide my love affair with Bryce for so long without her catching on. “You sound blue.”
This is my chance. I should just tell Nancy the truth. Holding onto this secret feels like I’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Talking to her about what’s bothering me might just relieve the burden that I’m toting, but can I risk it? I don’t know what else to do.
“It’s just-” As soon as the words leave my mouth, a lump forms in my throat, making it impossible to finish the sentence.
“What? What is it dear?” she asks. I can’t tell her, she’d hate me for sure, and then I’d lose her too, just like Ryan and Bryce.
I close my eyes as I fight back my tears. The pain is rushing in like a tidal wave and I can’t stop it, so I allow it to overcome me. My leaky eyes drip the saltiest tears. I sob uncontrollably on the phone. Oh no, now Nancy definitely knows that something is wrong. I wouldn’t be surprised if she shows up here at my house in the next ten minutes. The woman has a heart of gold and she never could stand to see me cry.
“Sweetie, what is it?” she inquires. I can’t get a word out and I probably sound like a blubbering fool. Take a deep breath Conor, I tell myself. But the thing is, I’m past the point of taking deep breaths. I’m falling apart.
I lean against the wall and slide down to the ground, and curl up in a ball on the kitchen floor. I wish Bryce would burst in and save me like he did the night of my wedding, but he’s long gone now and he’s probably never coming back. I continue to sob in Nancy’s ear, crying like a newborn baby.
“Oh Conor,” Nancy says, her voice trembling. Suddenly my mother in law begins to weep as well. Uh oh, I didn’t mean to make her cry too. Shit. We sob on the phone together, neither of us saying a word, just exchanging gasps of air.
But the worst part is that Nancy has no idea that the reason I’m having an emotional breakdown right now is because I’m madly in love with a man who’s not her son. Maybe it’s better if I don’t tell her. We’re both really emotional and this could end badly. I manage to pull myself together somewhat, and stumble up off the floor.
“Nancy,” I sob. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” she says, her voice cracking. “You take as long as you need to get over Ryan, there’s no rush.” Her words hit me like a ton of bricks.
I haven’t shed a tear over Ryan in months and I sure as hell didn’t take my time to get over him. I found love within a week of his death, and was underneath another man that same night. There’s no way I can tell her what’s really bothering me. She thinks my outburst had something to do with Ryan, when the real reason why I’m crying is because the love of my life left me to go back to New York. I feel so guilty and my tears start rushing in again.
“Honey, it’s okay,” Nancy murmurs. She tries to console me, but I’m inconsolable at this point. The only person who can heal my heart is Bryce, but he’s miles away and probably doesn’t even want to hear my voice.
“No, it’s not.” The words slip out between my sobs.
“You’ll get through this Conor.” She sounds so sure, but I’m not.
I’m so broken up on the inside and Bryce is the only one that can put all of my pieces back together again. I’m such an idiot. How could I let him go? I should’ve fought harder for him. For us. I shouldn't have let anything come between us. What we had was special and I threw it away, like a stupid fool.
I wipe away my tears, but they just keep flowing, running like a wild river. I’ve never cried so much in my life and I don’t know how I’m supposed to carry on. I’d give anything to look into Bryce’s piercing blue eyes again, or to rest my head on his chest as I listen to his beating heart. I miss him so much and I wish there was a way I could bring him back to me, but even if I did, then what?
He said I had to choose, but I chose wrong. Everything happened really fast between us and I’m still scared to admit that I’ve already found the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with only six months after Ryan’s death. That’s the sad part. I want to tell Nancy, but I’m still scared even after losing Bryce.
I sigh heavily as I collect myself and try to stop the flow of my tears. I’ve got to get it together. I can’t keep wallowing in my own sorrow. Nancy’s stopped crying and she listens quietly on the other end of the phone
as I gain my composure. She takes a deep breath.
“Conor, listen to me. You’re young, handsome, and healthy. I know it hurts, but you’ve got to pick yourself up. I love Ryan with all of my heart, but you’ve got to move on. You can keep him in your heart forever, but it’s time that you get out there and try to meet someone new,” she says.
I can’t believe my ears. Did she really just say that? My heart races as I replay her words in my mind. Does she really mean it? Has enough time passed? My mind spins furiously. How long has it been since Ryan passed? Maybe six months or a little more. Is that enough?
But if Ryan’s own mother thinks I’ve grieved over her son long enough, maybe she’s right. Maybe Smithtown won’t be completely in shock when they see me with a new man. It has been half a year since Ryan’s death.
“You really think so?” I ask, still a bit teary.
“Yes, it’s been long enough and a good guy like you needs a partner by his side. You can’t just shrivel up and die. You have to keep living. There’s a man out there willing to love you and give you the world,” she comforts. She has no clue how right she is, and I’m overwhelmed with another rush of guilt.
I’m relieved that Nancy wants me to find happiness with someone else, but will she feel the same if she finds out about Bryce? I take a deep breath, hoping I can get the words out this time. I have to speak the truth because I’ve held onto this secret long enough.
“Nancy, there’s something I need to tell you,” I say. “I—” I hesitate. Another lump forms in my throat, but this time I’m able to swallow it down and say what I need to say. “I’ve found someone. A really great man that loves and cherishes me. I’ve been seeing him in secret because I thought it was too soon after Ryan’s death to fall in love with another man, and I was afraid everyone would judge me for moving on so fast.”
She’s mute, and the silence over the phone is deafening. Oh no, her blood is probably boiling right now. Maybe she didn’t mean it when she said it was time for me to on. I knew it. It’s still way too soon to start seeing someone else. My eyes swell with tears again because my worst nightmare has come true and I’m sure everyone in Smithtown will be calling me a slut by sundown tomorrow.
“Hel-hello?” My voice trembles as I wait for her to say something. Anything. But my mother in law is quiet, leaving nothing but the sound of dead air on the phone. “Nancy?”
“I’m here,” she says, and then there’s another long silence. My breathing seems loud in my ears, and I try not to inhale. I wish she’d say something already, even if it’s something I don’t want to hear.
“I’m sorry,” I say with a shaky voice. “I know it happened really fast, and that this news is really sudden.” Tears stream down my cheeks again. “Please don’t be mad at me,” I plead. She takes another deep breath, leaving me on edge.
“I’m not mad at you Conor. I’m just shocked that you’re already in love with someone else,” she says.
“I know, and I’m so so sorry. I didn’t mean for it to happen,” I plead.
But Nancy is forgiving. “You don’t have to apologize Conor,” she says as I weep on the line. “I meant what I said. You have to move on. If you’ve already found true love, then go after it with all of your heart, no matter what anyone else has to say about it.”
I’m shocked speechless. The weight on shoulders lifts and my mouth opens and closes silently. Nancy is okay with this? She thinks it’s alright that I’ve already fallen in love with someone else?
“Thank you Nancy, that really means a lot to me,” I say, my voice breaking slightly over the line.
“You’re welcome and I’ll always be here for you, no matter what, sweetheart,” she reassures me. Her kind words warm my heart and bathe me in a comforting glow. “You’re like a son to me, and I only want what’s best for you. If that’s meeting someone else, and falling in love, then I’m behind you a hundred percent.”
“But aren’t you shocked by the fact that I’ve already met someone?” I ask in a trembling voice.
Nancy’s silent for another moment.
“Yes, I am,” she finally says in a slow voice. “It is surprising, but honey, there is no timeline for love. Sometimes it takes years to develop, and sometimes it takes only seconds. Take it from someone who’s been there,” she says gently. “I don’t hold it against you.”
“Really?” I say weepily. “Because I’ve been so ashamed this whole time,” I admit in a choked voice. “We’ve been hiding our relationship because I didn’t want anyone to think I was disrespecting Ryan.”
Nancy sighs over the phone.
“I know, sweetheart. You were a good boyfriend, and you were a good husband to Ryan as well. But now, it’s time to move on,” she says gently. “So go for it, okay? It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. You take the love that you’ve found, and never apologize for it, you hear me?”
I nod mutely before thanking her again.
“I will,” is my soft voice. “Thank you, Nancy.”
I can almost hear her smile over the phone.
“Thank you, Conor. I’ll talk to you later, okay sweetie?”
I nod, and then hang up with a soft click. My hands tremble as I put the phone down on the table. Oh my gosh, I can’t believe she wants me to move on. Maybe she isn’t the only one that thinks enough time has gone by since Ryan’s death. I feel stupid too, in retrospect. I’ve been worried about nothing, and it ended up driving away the man that I love. I’m done caring about how everyone in Smithtown is going to react when they see Bryce and I together because now, I’m going after my man and nothing can stop me.
21
Conor
I flag down a yellow taxi like I’ve seen people in movies do when they go to New York City. I heard Manhattan was big, but I had no idea it was this huge. I try not to look lost, or make too much eye contact with strangers. New York City is a big scary place, especially when you’re a small town country boy. A cab finally comes to a stop in front of me and I hop inside without hesitation, ready to get off the streets of Manhattan.
“Where to?” the driver asks. I take a piece of paper out of my wallet and read it aloud.
“Um, Black Capital. It’s on the corner of Lexington and Fifty Eighth Street,” I say. He speeds off down the road, causing my body to jerk in the backseat, but I want to get to Bryce as soon as possible, so I don’t complain.
I stare in awe at the tall skyscrapers and the streets flooded with people. It’s all brand new to me and I can see why Bryce chose this town. This bustling city is quite the opposite of our rural village. My eyes are wide and my mouth agape as the taxi driver takes me through the most intriguing neighborhoods I’ve ever seen. We ride past buildings with huge murals painted on the walls, and a man playing the violin on a street corner while the audience tosses money in the case. I’ve never seen anything like Manhattan before and I don’t think I can go back home to my old life now that I’m here.
But Bryce has no idea that I’m on my way to see him. After the talk I had with Nancy, I decided to catch the next flight to Manhattan. I was nervous at first to fly by myself, especially to a city as huge as this one, but I need to see Bryce, so I’ll do whatever it takes to get to him. I just hope when he sees me that he’s willing to hear me out. If he rejects me, it’ll break my heart. I need him in my life. I didn’t feel right without him. That’s why I looked his business up online and found the address. I’m heading to his office to see if I can win him back. Hopefully there’s still a place in his heart for me.
I already told a few of my family and friends about Bryce and it felt amazingly good to spill the truth. They all were shocked that I found love so quickly, but after the initial surprise faded, they were all genuinely happy for me. I felt silly afterwards. What had I been so afraid of? These people love me, and only want the best for me. Plus, I’m glad I can finally be honest with the ones that I love and care about it. I can’t wait to tell Bryce that I want to be open about our relationship going forwar
ds. Hopefully, that still counts for something.
For all I know Bryce could be over me by now. He could be dating someone else, or maybe a few someone elses. The thought makes my heart hurt. He wouldn’t find another man so fast, would he? My heart still races for him. As a matter of fact it’s beating like a drum right now as I make my way to his office. I still love him just as much as before, no matter how things ended between us.
I believe deep in my heart that we still have a fighting chance at love. I refuse to give up on us and I’m going to win him back no matter what. I made a mistake by hiding our love before, but it’s one that I’ll never make again. I’m ready for everyone to see me on his arm, delirious with passion. He told me to choose and now I’ve made a choice. I choose him for the rest of my life.
The yellow taxi pulls to the side and slowly comes to a stop. “Sir, you’re here,” the driver says. I fumble through my wallet and take some cash out to pay him.
“Thank you,” I say as I hand him the money.
“You’re welcome,” he says as I get out of the cab.
He speeds off and I stare up at the tall building in front of me. It’s got to be at least fifty stories, easy. I try not to think about how big the building is. Bryce is somewhere in there and I’m going to find him if it’s the last thing I do. I walk into the lobby filled with men and women dressed in suits. Oh damn. I look down at the jeans and cowboy boots I’m wearing and realize that I probably stick out like a sore thumb right now. Oh well, I didn’t come here to fit in, I came here to get my man back.
I barrel through all of the suit and tie wearing business folks and make my way over to the elevator. I push the button multiple times, impatiently awaiting its arrival. I cross my arms and tap my foot as I stare up at the lit numbers above the doors. Finally it reaches the lobby and the doors slide open. I bolt onto the lift and press number forty-seven, followed by a large group of businessmen and businesswomen. They squish me into the back corner and press every number that comes before forty-seven it seems like. Great, I’m going to be stuck on this elevator all day.