A lump formed in my throat. “Is that—” I couldn’t finish the sentence.
The technician smiled at me. “Yep. That’s baby’s heartbeat.”
The tears were immediate as she turned the monitor and showed me the profile of a little lima bean.
“And there’s baby,” she said, then a look crossed her face and I felt a brief moment of panic.
“What is it?” I asked. “Is something wrong?”
She moved the wand around a few more times and smiled, nodding toward the screen. “Nope, they’re both just fine.”
I looked at the screen and nearly passed out. Not one, but two little lima beans appeared on the screen before me and after a few seconds, another heartbeat filled the room. I was having twins.
After assuring me that everything looked good, she cleaned off the gel and left the room so I could get dressed.
I was both excited and petrified as I went up to the front desk to schedule my next appointment. The woman at the front smiled brightly as I stepped up to the counter. She was wearing scrubs with adorable cats all over it. Everything about the place felt so cheery, and I loved it. I was feeling better about things simply by being there.
“We try to keep an open schedule for ultrasounds. We know it can sometimes be hard to get off work, so we are fairly flexible and offer lunchtime and evening appointments,” she said. “Will your husband be joining you?”
Her words were like a gut punch. “I’m not married,” I said.
The other receptionist shot the girl helping me a look as if to say, “You screwed up.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the girl said, blushing. “I didn’t mean to imply-- I’m new here. We just like to know if someone will be joining you, we have some rooms that are larger than others and give priority to the larger rooms when other family is joining you.”
I thought about asking Anna to join me, but I didn’t want to bother her too much. Her job was stressful, and she couldn’t take time off work to come to every doctor’s appointment with me.
“No, it’s just me. I’ll be coming alone,” I said.
I tried not to sound as sad as I felt. I didn’t want the poor girl to feel bad for her misstep. It had hurt to be reminded that I was going through this alone, but it wasn’t her fault. Many people assumed that there was a father in the picture. She wasn’t the first to jump to conclusions, and she wouldn’t be the last. I knew I had to get used to it, as things would only get harder the closer we got to the birth.
With my appointment and my ultrasound scheduled, I felt relieved to have one more thing done. I had a doctor, one I liked, and it wasn’t Colin. Yes, he had suggested another doctor in his office, but there was no way I wanted to risk running into him again. The feelings I had for him were still so raw. I hated that I’d lied to him, but I was put on the spot at the time. There’s no easy way to tell your ex-fling, a man you never thought you’d see again, that you’re pregnant with his child and intend to keep it no matter what. I hadn’t been ready for that talk, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever be ready. Especially now that I’d lied, it made it even harder to admit the truth. I didn’t want him to hate me, but I also had to protect myself and my baby.
I left the doctor’s office and checked my phone. There was a missed call from an unknown number, along with a voice message. As I waited for my Uber, I listened to the message.
My heart stopped when I heard his voice.
“Hope, it’s me. Colin. Listen, we need to talk,” he said. “Please call me back as soon as possible.”
How did he get my number? Then I remembered he had my file.
I was too scared to find out what he wanted to talk about. I deleted the message - and his number - before I could really think it through.
Ooo000ooo
“Hmm, here’s an idea, maybe you tell him the truth, and admit you freaked out when you saw him, but that yes, he’s the father?” Anna said.
She handed me a glass of juice in a wine glass. Her glass, however, had the real thing. It had been a tradition for us to get together once a month to drink wine and talk about our lives. Some things had to change - like the contents of my glass - but we were still chatting and having a good time, so that’s all that mattered to me.
“I don’t know,” I said, throwing my head back against the couch. I felt like screaming but managed to keep it under control. “I just don’t know.”
“What don’t you know?” Anna asked.
“What if he wants me to abort the babies?” I asked, looking over at her.
“So? It’s your choice in the end. He might want you to do it, but you don’t have to go through with it.”
“Yeah, but even the idea of him suggesting it would kill me, you know?”
Anna reached over and rubbed my arm. “Honey, I know it’s hard, and your emotions are probably all over the place, but I still don’t think that’s a good enough reason to not tell him the truth.”
She was right. I knew she was right. I was afraid and letting those fears prevent me from doing the right thing. Even if Colin and I wouldn’t be together, he deserved to know that I was having his children. If he wanted to be involved or not, that was up to him. I wouldn’t force it if he didn’t want the children, but I wouldn’t have an abortion or put the babies up for adoption either. I’d already decided that I was going to keep my babies. I wasn’t sure how it would work out, but I’d make it work.
“You know I’m right, don’t you?” she said.
“I do,” I said, sighing deeply. “But now I don’t know how to get back in touch with him. I deleted his number.”
“You know where he works,” she said. “You can always visit him in person.”
“Doesn’t that seem weird, though?”
“Considering that’s all you know about him, not really,” she said, shrugging. “Or you could let me try to dig up his phone number, but that might take a few days.”
I knew Anna had the ability to get the information. Maybe it would be better to call him on his personal number?
“Or maybe he’ll call me back,” I said. “He has my number. I’ll let him call me back.”
“Hope, you’re stalling,” she said.
I groaned, setting my juice down. My stomach was uneasy, and I was afraid adding some sugary beverage to it might make me throw up. The morning sickness had finally set in, my first symptom, and it went beyond just the morning. I’d been sick nonstop, throwing up almost everything I ate the last few days. That would be an annoyance for most women, but for me, it could be a serious issue. If I didn’t start keeping food down, I’d have to go back into the doctor and figure something out. My blood sugar was all over the place when I couldn’t keep food down, and that wasn’t good for the twins.
“I’m sure I can find his phone number if I Google his name,” I said at last. “It should be pretty easy. You don’t have to get involved, Anna. I don’t want you to risk your job for me.”
“Are you sure?” she asked, raising her eyebrows at me. “Because I can.”
“I’m sure. It’s not like I have to dig up his criminal record or anything,” I said. “His phone number should be easy to find.”
“Okay, then let’s do it now,” Anna said.
“Now? Seriously?” I said.
“Yes, pull out your phone and do a search for him. If nothing comes up, I can do a search on our databases at work tomorrow.”
“Fine,” I muttered. I pulled out my phone and did as she asked. I typed in his name and Los Angeles and the first thing that came up was his doctor’s office.
I scrolled further down, discovered a few other men named Colin Pierce, but they weren’t him. And then something else caught my eye.
“What is this?” I asked.
Anna leaned closer and read the post with me. It was a public Facebook post shared by Whitney Gilmore. Whitney, as in his ex Whitney? It seemed to make sense.
“She’s pregnant with his child,” I said, my heart skipping a beat. “And he’s refu
sing responsibility.”
“What a jerk,” Anna said. “You sure that’s the same Colin?”
“Positive,” I said. My throat almost closed up on me as I read the entire post, all the way through. Others had spoken up on the post, calling Colin out for his selfish behavior. None of it sounded anything like him, however, but then again - how much did I really know about Colin?
“Wow, sweetie,” Anna said, taking the phone from my hand to read the entire thing. “I’m sorry. This guy sounds like a douche.”
“What should I do, Anna?” I asked.
“It’s up to you, but I think you should still tell him.”
“Even if this is how he reacts?” I asked.
Anna seemed to ponder the question a moment longer, then she shrugged. “Honestly? I don’t know. Maybe there’s more to the story than what’s written here.”
I wanted to believe it, I did. Colin seemed like such a doting, caring man. I had a hard time believing that he screamed at a woman carrying his child and kicked her out of the office and refusing to support his baby. That didn’t sound like the man I knew. Not the man who brought me breakfast when I needed to eat or who insisted on paying for everything.
I closed the window and said, “I think, for now, I’m just going to let it be. I don’t need that kind of drama in my life, not right now. I’m just trying not to freak out that I’m having two kids at the same time.”
“I understand,” Anna said softly. “I’m sorry Hope.”
“Yeah, me too,” I said softly. “Me too.”
Colin
“Hope, we really need to talk. Please call me back,” I said. This was my fourth message to her that week, and still, nothing. She wasn’t calling me back and my calls were going straight to voicemail now. She was intentionally ignoring me.
Hope wasn’t the only concern I’d had either. Whitney was upping the ante, not letting the rumor die. She was spreading it far and wide, making sure the world heard her made-up version of events. I had originally tried to stay quiet, hoping it would blow over, but the longer I waited to speak out, the guiltier it made me look.
There was only one thing I could do. I’d set up a time to meet Whitney, in person and in public, to talk things over. I wanted to act like an adult, and hopefully by talking it over, she’d realize how terrible she was being.
At least I could hope. I’d picked a public park. There were families around, children playing and running around on the playground, and as I sat there and waited for her, I couldn’t help but smile. I loved children, I always had. It wasn’t just my mother’s issues with infertility that motivated me to study this specific branch of medicine - it was my love of children and babies too.
A little boy with a mop of red hair ran toward me to grab a ball that had fallen at my feet. I picked it up and handed it to him, and he smiled.
“Thanks, mister,” he said, rushing off to join his friends again.
His red hair made me think of Hope. Would our child have red hair, like her, or darker hair like me? Probably dark hair, but sometimes genetics could surprise you. Having a little redheaded son or daughter would be cute, I thought. Especially if they had Hope’s eyes and freckles.
Thinking about my child, I grew more annoyed at Hope for ignoring my calls. It didn’t seem like her at all. First, she lied, then she refused to talk to me? It made me angrier than what I was dealing with in regard to Whitney. Yes, Whitney had the power to damage my reputation and I should care more about it, but the fact that Hope was holding my child hostage, not letting me be part of the child’s life - well, that was infuriating to me.
“Well hello there, stranger,” a familiar voice piped up beside me.
I looked up to see Whitney standing there, her belly larger and more pronounced than before. She was either pregnant or had some sort of padding on. I wouldn’t put it past her to fake the entire thing. After all, she was already spreading a lot of lies, why not one more?
She took the seat beside me and leaned in to kiss my cheek as if nothing had happened between us. I backed away and held up a hand to stop her.
“Let’s cut to the chase, Whitney,” I said. “What can I do to stop these lies?”
She batted her eyelashes at me, trying to look cute.
“There’s only one thing I want, Colin, and that’s to be a family. I know you want that too, you’re just resentful over the past.”
“No, it’s much more than that, Whitney. The child isn’t even mine,” I said. “So why do you insist on telling everyone it is?”
“Because it is yours Colin. In spirit, at least. You’re the only man I ever really loved, and the only man I ever wanted to have children with,” she said.
“Have you lost your mind, Whitney?” I asked. “You never talked about having kids with me. You were too busy sleeping around and living the high life. Let’s face it, family life has never suited you, so why do you want all that now?”
She sighed, and her chest rattled a bit. Oh God, here come the waterworks, I thought to myself. I rolled m eyes and prepared for the onslaught of tears.
“Listen, I know I fucked up, big time,” she said. “But we both know we’re meant to be together. I’m meant to be a doctor, a wife, a mother, and you’re meant to be a father and husband.”
It hit me, right then and there. I understood exactly what was happening now. “This is about your parents, isn’t it?”
“What do you mean?”
“You told them you were pregnant, and they wanted to know who the father was, and you couldn’t tell them it was some drug addict you met at a club. You told them it was me,” I said. “Because you always had to do exactly what your parents wanted of you, even if it drove you to drinking and drugs.”
“Colin, it’s not just my parents that want these things for me. I want them too,” she said.
“Bullshit,” I said. “If you wanted that life so badly, why did you lose your medical license? Why would you risk something like that, after working so hard to obtain it? And why would you cheat on me, if you wanted to be with me?”
“I told you, I fucked up,” she said, her voice rising louder than it should.
Nearby, parents stared at us. Many of them scowling. I couldn’t blame them, she was shouting curse words at a playground. I should have known it was a bad idea to meet somewhere with children present. Whitney never could keep herself under control when criticized or questioned.
“Alright, I get it. Your parents will cut you off financially if they find out the truth,” I said, taking a deep breath and steadying myself. “How much do you need to stop these lies now?”
“Colin, I--”
“Just give me an amount. I’ll gladly pay you off to stop talking about me,” I said. “And to make sure your child at least has a roof over its head.”
The kid may not be mine, but the idea of her child suffering - of any child suffering - killed me. In a perfect world, Whitney would consider putting the child up for adoption. It was clear that not much had changed for her. She was still a selfish, inconsiderate bitch.
Whitney’s tears stopped falling. She stared at me for a long time before answering my question.
“I’d like $5000 a month,” she said. “For the next eighteen years. Raising a child isn’t cheap, you know.”
“Yeah, I know. Maybe you should have thought about that before getting knocked up by a stranger,” I said. I countered. “$2000 a month for the first year of the child’s life. After that, I expect you to have figured something out.”
“Colin, $2000 isn’t anything here in Los Angeles, and you know it.”
“Well, maybe you should consider moving somewhere cheaper. I hear Nevada is reasonable.”
“I can’t do that,” she said.
“Why is any of this my problem, Whitney?” I said. “It’s not. I didn’t get you pregnant. Take my offer or leave it, I don’t care. As soon as the baby is born, I’m going to get a court-ordered DNA test to prove the child isn’t mine, and then what will y
our parents say?”
Her jaw dropped. She stared at me with a look of absolute betrayal. The bitch had the nerve to feel betrayed after everything I’d done for her, after she’d lied and cheated on me for years. If I ever had any doubt that Whitney was a monster, there was my answer.
“Could you at least cover my rent for a two-bedroom apartment?” she asked.
“How much is that?”
“2600 a month,” she said.
It pained me to agree to anything, but again, it wasn’t about her. It was about the child. Had she been a better person, she might have put the kid up for adoption. The child deserved better than her as a mother.
“Fine,” I said. “But only for the first year. Nothing more.”
“Colin, please.”
“No, Whitney. That’s final. Take it or leave it.”
She looked defeated, but finally nodded. “I’ll take it.”
“Good,” I said, standing up from the bench. “But I refuse to pay a dime until you take back everything you’ve said about me, and fast.”
“That might take a while. I’ve told a lot of people,” she said.
“Well, you better get to working then,” I said. “Not like you have much else to do, am I right?”
I started to walk away, but something compelled me to stop. I turned and looked at the woman I used to think was my everything. She stared back at me with a newfound hope in her eyes, as if maybe I changed my mind and would give her everything she wanted.
“Please tell me you’re clean. No more drugs or alcohol while you’re pregnant?” I asked.
“I’m clean,” she said.
I didn’t believe her.
“New condition, mandatory drug tests or else I won’t pay a dime,” I said. “And that goes for after the baby is born too.”
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