And this is just the scene I had been guarding against when I didn’t answer her calls, I silently reminded myself. Less pain in the end.
And the nonsense about being her tour guide around the state for the last few months? What was that all about? Ridiculous!
I couldn’t have her, but I loathed letting her go. I felt my chest tighten as panic welled up inside of me.
“Hey, Ms. Gina,” I hurried over to the counter at the nurses station, “Keep an eye on things? I need to grab a…sandwich,” I lied, hoping she didn’t hear the panic in my voice.
I rushed out the swinging doors and searched frantically down the hall in both directions. I took off at a run and found her just stepping into the elevator. “Sophie, wait,” I yelled. She paused and stuck her hand out to stop the doors from closing.
“James, is everything okay?” I could hear the concern in her voice as she quickly exited the elevator.
“Yeah. Everything is fine. I just…” I just what? Now that she was standing here, I didn’t know what to say.
“What is it James?”
“I just…you didn’t say goodbye.” It sounded more like a lame accusation than anything else, but I couldn’t help it.
“Goodbye, huh? You want goodbye?” she asked, her voice rising, her face incredulous. “You can tell me I’m wrong, but I thought we…the beach...your parents house...” She heaved a sigh. “Never mind.”
“No, what were you going to say?” I asked, knowing I should leave it alone, but not being able to.
“There’s nothing else to say.” She let out a harsh laugh full of self-recrimination. “I just read things differently than you did, I guess. Saw what I wanted to see. Heard what I wanted to hear.”
No. She had read me right. A little too well, actually. She’d put the ball back in my court weeks ago and I had called the game on purpose with my lies and avoidance.
Watching her walk away today put everything into perspective. I had been right to pull away. A little pain now was better than unbearable suffering at some future date when she walked away for good.
“I’m sorry, Sophie. I guess I never thought this day would come.” I never thought my heart would open up again. Now that I could admit how I felt especially to myself, it would be the easiest thing in the world to ask her to stay. Because being with Sophie was easy. She was easy to love. But loving, giving your whole heart to someone, is dangerous.
“That’s bull. You’ve known since June that I was going home eventually.” I deliberately didn’t correct her misinterpretation of my words. “You can't just keep stringing me along. You kiss me like you mean it, then you freeze up and push me away. Then you apologize and pull me back in again. It's like this giant game of tug-of-war that I don't know the rules to and I can't win. All those weeks I tried to reach you..." She choked out. I winced and glanced in either direction down the hall then I grabbed her arm and pulled her into an empty room.
"I know, Sophie. I'm sorry. I haven’t been totally honest with you. I at least owe you the truth before you leave. I kept trying to put distance between us, but your kisses are difficult to resist. They had me saying things I didn’t mean.” I heard her sharp intake of breath, but I couldn’t meet her eyes as I allowed my false words to make the final cut that would sever her from me forever. “I’m sorry if a summer fling wasn’t what you were looking for."
It really was better this way. She’d see.
Her stunned expression about did me in. "So you used me. You don’t date for seven years and you break your self-induced dry spell with a fling? I don’t believe you,” she whispered. “I will never believe that’s all this was.” She yanked her arm out of my grasp. "I can't play this game anymore, James. You won’t trust me to go with you into the deepest, most important parts of yourself. I'm sorry."
When she turned to leave with a hand on the door handle, and I knew this really was the end, I’d never see her again, my heart begged me to tell her to stick around until the end of November when her parents came for a visit. Or, at the very least, come back with them for the holidays.
But a clean break was best.
I stared at her back, warring with myself. I really would be playing tug-of-war, as she put it, if I begged her to stay knowing I couldn’t keep her.
“It’s my fault, really,” she said softly, head bowed. “My mind kept reminding me I was leaving, but my heart got in the way. Hope made me see you as different-- a reason to take a chance.”
If I could look in her eyes, what would I see? Could she really need me the way I needed her? I ached for her. But was it enough? Experience taught me no. So I’d let her walk away.
“I’m not her, James. I’m not Nicole.” Her soft voice broke through my frantic thoughts, pleading. “When I told you I loved you, it wasn’t for a doctor’s salary. It wasn’t for some summer fling, one night stand.”
I knew I needed to say something. I knew I was losing her for good this time, but my fear bound my tongue. I’m not man enough to put it all out there again, I thought. I can’t. It’s different this time, so different. Deeper. I thought I knew love before. Boy was I ever wrong. If I took a chance now and it didn’t work out, it would be a thousand times worse than with Nicole. I wouldn’t ever recover from losing Sophie.
“You could’ve at least had the decency to be honest with me. Don’t lie to me and tell me there was nothing there. I need someone who can love me with his whole heart, no reservations. I need someone who will not shield me from the painful parts of life, but lean on me through them like I’d need to lean on him. I thought that someone was you,” she whispered.
When I still didn’t say anything, her tortured eyes finally met mine. The deer-in-the-headlights look plastered to my face apparently spoke volumes. I can’t be the man she needs me to be.
She sucked in a sob as she went up on her toes and kissed my cheek. “Goodbye, James.”
Goodbye, San Antonio.
Sophie
There’s that scene in the Debbie Reynolds musical, The Unsinkable Molly Brown, where Molly Brown has lost everything that meant anything to her. All her life, she’d been tough and unmoveable. She’d never cried ‘uncle’ no matter what. Finally, toward the end of the movie, she was broken down, defeated. And with an anguished cry, she said, “Uncle.”
I give up.
I cried all the way down the elevator and out to my car. It wasn’t pretty. But when has a heart being torn from the body ever been anything but dark and ugly? Only James would know what that looked like. James. I was full on sobbing now.
I made an attempt to pull it together for the drive to Trevor and Stacy’s. My heart was telling me my life was over, but I didn’t want my life to be over.
Useless.
I cried as I finished packing and hauling it all to my car. I cried through dinner and the Disney movie I watched with Jeran as we cuddled on the couch. And I cried as I carried a sleeping Jeran to bed. Who knew the human body could produce so much salt water. But I just couldn’t seem to stop. Trevor thought I’d lost it and I’d quit looking at Stacy hours ago to avoid the sad eyes she turned on me. They finally gave up and headed for bed.
I headed for the boys’ room.
I slowly opened the door, the hall light stretched along the floor spotlighting the plush rocker recliner. I tiptoed into the room and looked in the crib. Dylan was sleeping soundly. I smiled and lowered myself into the rocking chair thinking how much more comfortable it was than the one at the hospital. Then I wished I hadn’t because thinking of the hospital led to thinking about a certain doctor at that hospital who had my heart and didn’t even know it. Or worse, didn't care. But I was finished crying over James. I would go back to Texas, brush up on my drawl, open my physical therapy office, and…count the days until I could find an excuse to come northwest again.
Hopeless and pathetic.
What would Ms. Gina do at a time like this? I wondered. Then I knew and felt ashamed that I hadn’t thought of it before. I slowly turne
d and kneeled on the floor against the rocking chair right there in Jeran and Dylan’s room and poured out my heart to the good Lord. I told Him all about James and how he’d broken my heart. I poured out my gratitude for Dylan’s health and good friends and family here in Oregon. I thanked Him for my education and the chance to do what I loved with it. Finally, I asked Him to guide my footsteps because the path of sadness and self-pity I was currently struggling on would get me nowhere.
A soft cry jolted me from sleep and my awkward position on my nephew’s bedroom floor. I cringed as I attempted to stretch my legs out in front of me and straighten my back. No use. It would be permanently twisted, I was sure. I crawled to Dylan’s crib and used the bars to pull myself up. I reached down and patted his back until his cries stopped and his breathing evened out. Since I was pretty sure, given my current track record, that I would never have children of my own, I found myself once again thanking the Lord for this time I’d had to spend with my nephews. This was a little piece of heaven on earth. Peace filled my heart as I made my way to my room to sleep in that bed for the last time.
James
The vehement finality of the slamming door surprised even myself as I stormed into my apartment. Andy jumped at the sound and turned in my direction, a question in his eyes. Normally, I would have laughed at his skittishness, but laughter was the furthest emotion from the surface right now.
“Rough day?” Andy asked wryly.
“I’ve had better,” I growled.
“Call Sophie. Wait. Is she answering your calls yet? And let’s get out of this box,” Andy suggested even as I gave him a definitive shake of my head. He continued, “I’m surprised you aren’t out with her, actually. Isn’t she leaving soon?”
At my glare, Andy asked, “No Sophie?” I could hear the surprise in his voice. “Okay.” He shrugged. “Let’s hit the court. I’ll go easy on you tonight.” He grinned as if his words suggested a magnanimous gesture and took a step toward his room. With the way I felt, I’d have to make a conscious effort to go easy on him, or he’d wind up in the hospital. “You may want to throw on some shorts, though...”
His words died on his lips and he paused on his way to his room to change as I balled my hands into fists and looked wildly around the room for something to throw before giving up and slumping onto the couch, head in my hands.
“Dude,” Andy said and walked back to the couch. “What’s up with you? No Sophie and no basketball? You get fired or something? Another bad surgery? You’re getting sued for malpractice,” he guessed. “Don’t people have to sign those forms...”
Couldn’t he just stop talking for like thirty seconds? I made no attempt to answer his ridiculous rambling. Andy’s unrestrained monologue eventually ran out and he chewed on my silence for a moment. Apparently he could find the off switch, and I could feel when it clicked for him.
“Ahhhh. I get it,” he said, patting me on the shoulder. “She won’t be calling you back. Tough break. You win some, you lose some. So she didn’t want you. Big deal. She didn’t want me either. You don’t see me looking for stuff to break. She actually did you a favor because initially you didn’t even want to get involved, remember? You should be thanking her, really.”
“That’s the thing,” I yelled, startling Andy again. “I know she wanted me.” But for how long? I ran my hands through my hair in frustration, then pulled on it with fisted hands. “She told me as much.” I closed my eyes as the anguish in her voice washed over me again. And I just stood there letting her go.
“Then what’s the issue? I mean, you have plenty, but I fail to see what it is with Sophie.”
“I blew it,“ I whispered, wiping a hand across my face. It wasn’t supposed to hurt like this.
“It can’t be that bad. You’ve been a jerk to her before and she took you back. Don’t ask me why,” he muttered.
“Yeah? Well, there is no going back now.” I straightened up and flashed him my suavest smile. “I made sure to burn all my bridges. She was getting too attached. I had to break her heart. Told her it was a summer fling.”
“Promise you’ll never talk like that again. No one would believe that bad boy act coming from you.” He straightened his collar and ran a hand down the front of his shirt, pretending to smooth it. “From me? Of course. But not you.” He gave me a token pat on the shoulder and continued. “Summer fling, huh? You told her that? Actually said those words?” He was incredulous. “What’s the matter with you, man? Please tell me she didn’t fall for that line.”
I gave him a ‘what do you think?’ look, but remained silent.
“Maybe if you’d established that it was a ‘fling’ from the beginning, but not right at the end.” He shook his head, most likely at my stupidity.
“Bad move on my part,” I conceded.
“It wasn’t the truth either. I know you at least kissed her. I was witness to one of those stomach turning events. But if Kaley is to be believed, you said the ‘three words of no return’.
I looked at him in surprise. “Why don’t you girls get your own lives and stop discussing mine?” I spit out. “I did what I had to do. She’ll thank me.” He should be congratulating me on doing the hardest thing I’d ever done and still remain upright and coherent.
Andy scoffed in disgust. “Keep telling yourself that, dude. And when you’re finally finished lying to yourself and everyone else, it won’t matter 'cause she won’t be available anymore. She’ll have found someone who actually deserves her.”
Ouch. “Then she’ll be doing me a favor. Maybe I’m ready to start dating again.”
He looked at me in disbelief. “I suppose you told her that as well.” He watched me closely, waiting.
I scoffed. “I didn’t tell her that.”
“Then what did you tell her?”
“I just said I had plans. Whatever she read into that is her business.”
Andy shook his head. “Plans. I know she didn’t think it was basketball with me.” I shrugged. “Yup. You burned those bridges good. I don’t think I could have done it better.”
I sat back, smug. “Thanks, man.”
“Uh, that wasn’t a compliment. Normally, trying to be like me is a worthwhile, lifelong pursuit, but that was just stupid.” When I sat forward to rebut, he said, “Well, what do you want me to say? You want me to tell you that, yes, she will thank you someday? You want me to give you a big pat on the back and tell you you are such a good boy to do something so hard?” His voice went high like he was talking to a three year old. “Not my style, bro. I’m the honest one in this conversation.”
I glared at him.
“You really didn’t want her or any kind of committed relationship. Are you saying that watching her leave brought you to your senses and you’re finally ready to put the past in the past and try again?”
At my silence he said, “Didn’t think so. And I get the feeling Sophie isn’t interested in friends with benefits. She’s more of a til-death-do-us-part kind of girl.” He paused, waiting for my answer, but knew he wouldn’t get one because I was hesitant to discuss my relationships with him. Apparently, that’s why he and Kaley had each other.
“Come on, man,” Andy moaned as he plopped down next to me on the couch. “You do know that, right?” When I still didn’t reply he said, “That’s the problem, isn’t it? You don’t trust her to stick with it in the end, so you’re getting out while the gettin’ is good. You break her heart before she breaks yours. Is that it?” When he didn’t get a response from me, he sighed. “Okay. Believe it or not, I get it. But I knew Nicole. I know Sophie. They are not alike. At. All.”
“You say they aren’t anything alike, but you are wrong. They are both beautiful. Sophie’s so beautiful, but she doesn’t even know it. But beautiful is what got me in trouble the first time.”
Andy moaned again. “Being beautiful has absolutely nothing to do with it. That’s such a stupid excuse. Have you not seen that she uprooted her life with just a phone call from her family and dro
ve thousands of miles, nannied, and practically lived in that hospital for the last six months? Of anyone in this world, you can trust her with all of you- past and present. She’s not after your money. She’s not going to go crazy and leave you for someone with a body like mine.” I glared at him. “Dude, I love you like a brother, but sometimes I want to hit you. She. Isn’t. Nicole. Nicole had no substance. Sophie’s all substance.”
“I know, right?” I laughed, pleased that it didn’t sound maniacal. “She’s a freakin’ genius, too. Her mind…” I said and shook my head in wonder. I couldn’t help the grin that nearly split my face. But then those sad, intriguing eyes were peering up at me again, begging me to give her the answer she needed, and I sobered.
“So what are you going to do about it?” Andy challenged. “'Cause if you say one more time that you did what you had to do, I’m going to do what I have to do to get you to shut up. You won’t care about the blood. You’re used to that. But the pain will be intense.” He cracked his knuckles.
I rolled my eyes. "Whatever. I've got some thinking to do," I told him.
“Good thing you’ve got nothing but time now.”
Chapter 6
Sophie
“Call as soon as you get there,” Stacy reminded me for the tenth time this morning as she followed me, Dylan in arms, from my bedroom to the bathroom where I did one last check to make sure I wasn’t forgetting anything. “I just worry about you driving by yourself all that way.”
“Stace, I drove all that way by myself to get here,” I told her, slightly exasperated.
“I know, but now that I’ve lived with you and see how easily you drop off into a dead sleep, I’m hesitant to let you get behind the wheel.”
“Very funny,” I said wryly. “I’ve done pretty well in Walmart parking lots in the past. Just as long as there is no construction scheduled.”
The Heart of the Matter Page 6