by Erin R Flynn
“How many crystals do you have?” Edelman asked, raising an eyebrow at me.
Craftsman snorted. “Hundreds.” He nodded when people gave him shocked or disbelieving looks. “They were strung together with metal chains all over the dress like body jewelry and in her headdress. It must have taken Ayesha forever to string them all up. It’s going to be a lot to replace them as well.”
I waved that off. “You’re on my account at Veritas Portas, Calloway knows. You, Mel, and Izzy can charge whatever to my card on file.”
“I’m not sure that I should—”
I snorted when he tried to argue. “Like you’re going to buy out the store? Whatever. If there’s a problem or there’s something needed, it was smart to have another real adult to be able to help.”
“And you trust him with that?” White teased me.
I rolled my eyes. “Please, if he wants to go buy a few things to pay himself as my Latin teacher, I so wouldn’t blame him. I thought math and I weren’t friends but apparently it’s going to be Latin.”
“You learned high school geometry in under a semester and got an A, Tamsin,” Craftsman drawled. “I think you do just fine. Anyone would have trouble going so fast. You’re trying to cram a whole year of Latin into one winter break. You’re doing better than you think. Darby said you’re aces at chemistry.”
“I do like chemistry,” I agreed.
“That will serve you well when it’s time for you to learn potions,” Professor White told me with a smile. “And I agree with Craftsman. You’re taking on way more than a normal college freshman, and your grades were much better than most of the freshmen we have. You made the Dean’s List, Tamsin. That’s amazing given what you’ve been through.”
I ducked my head as my eyes burned again. “I had a really great tutor. Hopefully I haven’t lost him.”
I really hoped I hadn’t.
2
The next morning I walked into the kitchen to find Darby sitting there waiting for me. On instinct, I reached up and covered my neck where he’d bitten me, and I might as well have punched him in the face the way he reacted. He looked horrible, totally put through the wringer.
“Sorry, you startled me,” I muttered, unable to drop my hand though.
“No, I don’t blame you,” he whispered, lowering his head. “I’m so, so sorry, Tamsin.”
“I know.” I knew that without him having to say it. No matter how prickly Darby could be, he was a good person at his core, and he would never, not ever, hurt someone like that.
“Dean Collins came to see me and said you weren’t pressing charges. That Craftsman went to talk to him and that you say I didn’t rape you?”
“You didn’t,” I said firmly as I moved into the kitchen, pouring myself some juice.
“But—”
“No, Darby, you didn’t. I’ve had people try to rape me before, that—it was nothing like that.”
“I didn’t stop when you wanted me to,” he rasped.
“Feeding, not—you did not rape me,” I promised. “Please, don’t add that. It didn’t happen how we both thought or wanted, but I consented. You made sure I clearly wanted to have sex. Things just went wrong. You could never rape me.”
He let out a bitter chuckle. “I’m not sure I could say the same anymore. I don’t know what I’m capable of. What I did—who I was then—”
“I know,” I whispered as I sat across the table from him. “I’m not going to lie and say I wasn’t scared, or you went too far. You did, but feeding. Not—we didn’t even get there really, okay? You didn’t rape me.”
“You’re sure?” he checked after a few moments. “It’s all a red haze of blood and… I don’t even know. I felt a monster and—”
“You didn’t.”
“Okay.” He let out a shaky breath. “Can you ever forgive me?”
“Yes.”
“How?” he breathed, taking off his glasses and wiping his eyes. “I completely lost control and went feral, Tamsin. I’ve never reacted like that to blood before. I know Dean Collins said it can happen if love is mixed with the first time feeding from a person and…” He swore under his breath. “I’m fucking everything up. That was not the way to say I love you.”
“You didn’t,” I muttered, wanting to take a Mulligan with that too. “There are levels of love and I love my friends too so let’s put that on a shelf for now.” I shook my head when he opened his mouth. “I need that one on a shelf for now.”
“Okay, of course. Whatever you need.”
“Can you forgive me for not telling you what I am?”
“Yes, of course.” He frowned at me. “What does that have to do with this?”
I shrugged. “Do some species or powers taste better? Campbell thinks I had a fairy grandparent to be this strong. That might make me tastier and I didn’t tell you.”
“I have no idea, but I could have asked. None of this is on you.”
Oh, if only that were true. “I’m still sorry if it mattered.”
“Only you would apologize when I almost killed you.”
“I wasn’t going to apologize for burning you,” I muttered, squirming in my seat and not sure what to say. “I’m not sure what to do now or how to act. It might take me a bit to be normal.”
“Will you still be my agra?”
“I hope so,” I whispered, meeting his tear-filled and worried gaze. “I don’t want to break up. We just can’t—”
“Please don’t say it,” he blurted. His hands gripped his coffee mug a bit too tightly and shook slightly. “Please, just don’t say it.”
“You’re not making me feel you’ve got a grip, Darby,” I admitted. “You’re acting like an addict jonesing for a hit.”
He threw back his head and let out a dark laugh. “I feel like it. Fuck, I feel like it and a bit like I’ve lost my mind.” He lowered his forehead to the table before he stood and came over to me. He flinched when I jumped to my feet but then he knelt in front of me, leaning his forehead to my stomach. “Just don’t say it, please.”
“Darby, I don’t get—”
“Please, just don’t,” he breathed. “I understand if you never want to do it again. I do. Fine, never let me. Just don’t say it. Please. Don’t. Just—please don’t say it, agra. It’s not just about your blood or how I’m acting right now—even if I’m dying to have more and I’m scaring myself or… I’m not sure I’m making sense.”
It hit me in the middle of his rambling. Trust. I leaned down and kissed his hair. “If I say it, it’s a level of trust we can never have again.”
“Yes,” he rasped, hugging me to him. “Please don’t say it. I know I messed up too badly, but my feelings for you are so real and deep. It would kill me to know I broke—I’m fine if we never do it once I get my head back on straight but please, just don’t say it.”
I let out a shaky breath and stared at the ceiling, running my fingers through his hair. “Okay, I won’t. I don’t know I’ll ever be comfortable with it, but I won’t say never. Maybe one day, far, far down the road when we’re older if we’re still together and things are different and we’re both in control.” I went to pull away and he let me go, staring up at me in confusion. “It was more than the feeding.”
He swallowed loudly, nodding he understood. “You trusted me to play and things went wrong.”
“Yeah.” I quickly wiped my eyes when he got blurry, hating that I was crying. “Sorry, I’m not trying to—”
“I know. You would never use tears against someone,” he muttered, sitting back on his feet. “I’m sorry I broke your trust with that too.”
“I just need time and to not do it for a while,” I rasped, wiping my eyes again and I hugged myself. “I’m sorry. I know you really like it and I did too but—”
“I’m glad you told me. I didn’t even think of that.” He let out a shaky breath. “I’ll take things slow. I think you’re a goddess to even consider giving me another chance.”
“It wasn’t your
fault, Darby,” I choked out, guilt eating me.
“It was, but thank you for having so much faith in me that you see it as a slip of something I’d not experienced and being overwhelmed, not I’m a monster.”
“You’re not a monster,” I promised. “You’re so far from that. I know that. I know that. It’s just going to take me a bit to stop seeing you lose control and feel—I’ve felt like prey before. It’s hard on me after what I’ve been through. I know you didn’t mean to make me feel that way, but it triggered me a bit. I just need slow.”
“Thank you for giving me another chance,” he choked out, hanging his head as he started crying.
I moved next to him on the floor and hugged him from the side. I figured he caught on that he couldn’t reach my throat from there, sliding his arm around me so he accepted the comfort and knew I’d let him touch me. I wasn’t sure what else to do or even say. I couldn’t just magically fix this or rewind time to make it never have happened.
Watch, there was some actual way to do that and I would find it later. I would be so pissed if I did and it could have helped us. Which totally meant there was probably some way to do it.
“What are you thinking about so hard?” he asked before kissing my hair.
“Sorry, my mind keeps spinning out. Not just on this but there’s so much going on.” I snuggled closer to him. “I’m glad we’re not breaking up.”
“I honestly can’t believe you’re not dumping my arse like you should.”
I wasn’t sure how to answer that, but then I went with the truth. “You were so completely horrified when you came back to yourself. You were destroyed. That’s someone who slipped, made a mistake, not a monster to run from. You didn’t hit me when drunk, Darby. You didn’t get high and get rough with me. You lost yourself when you tried… That for the first time. I can’t get it, but I get it.”
“I scared myself, Tamsin.”
“That’s why I don’t want to break up,” I admitted. “If you could accept that was normal or okay to act like that, I would run, but you know it was over the line. I was scared too, but I’ve been scared of myself at times too. I know how hard that is.”
“You have?” he asked after a moment.
“Yeah, but that’s a conversation for another time when I don’t feel so fragile. I’m sorry to say it has to wait, but I have a meeting with the Rothchilds in a bit and Mel needs me put together. But I will tell you one day, I promise. We all cross lines that scare ourselves. The good people realize that was the line and take a step back, know they don’t want to accept that person. The bad people don’t care.”
“I care. I don’t want to accept that person.”
Thank fuck. “Glad to hear it. It means I was right about you, you prickly pear.”
“Thanks, agra.”
“Hey, Darby, how you doing, mate?” Mel asked as she walked into the kitchen and found us like that.
“Um, dealing.” He cleared his throat and pulled away. “I’m confused. I was fully ready for you to kill me or threaten me if I ever came near Tamsin again.”
She blew out a harsh breath as she went over to the coffee. She didn’t answer for a few minutes as she fixed herself a mug and had several swigs of it.
“When I was a bit younger than you, I lost control and killed a human. The fucker groped me and tried to pull me off to a dark corner of a club to assault me and I got scared, punched him too hard and snapped his neck. Just like that. Turned out the guy was a serial rapist, but I didn’t know that then. I was still in training and I was horrified.
“I thought I was a monster. I sobbed everything to my mother and begged forgiveness for the shame it would bring my clan. I promised I would turn myself in to the police and service my sentence with honor. All of it. Totally ready to be written off.
“She let me get it all out and popped me in the forehead and told me to use my head. My reaction to something was bad. That was to be expected as a supe. Hell, our parents and teachers warn us of it all the time. It’s if we make the same mistakes or are flippant of our mistakes that we become monsters.
“Your first thoughts were to get to Craftsman and have him help Tamsin. You’re not a monster, kid. You just fucking reacted badly to something. We all do it. Make the same mistake and that’s on you. Don’t learn from it and that’s on you. You didn’t come here drunk and hit her or something unforgivably human. We’re not human and shit happens.”
“Thanks, Melody.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’ve reached my emotional, mental, and adult cap without more caffeine,” she muttered, topping off her mug before pulling out a bag of muffins and heading back out of the kitchen.
“What’s this meeting with the Rothchilds?” Darby asked after she was out of hearing range. “Is she okay?”
“It’s complicated,” I muttered, sighing when he ran his hand over my hair in comfort but didn’t push me. “Thanks.”
“Just be careful, okay?”
“I’m working on that. It’s actually what the meeting’s about.”
I could tell he wanted to ask but maybe just wanted to keep snuggling with me. “Want to work on some Algebra II before you go?”
“Why is Algebra II so much easier to me than geometry was?” I wondered.
“It’s not. The pressure’s less and you’ve gotten back into the groove of school. Or you’ve adapted to college life faster than most.” He was quiet a moment but then stood, pulling me to my feet as well. “I think you have more faith in yourself that you’re smart, book smart not just street smart, and a bookworm. I’ve tutored more people who were in their own way than I can count.”
“Makes sense.” I nodded when I realized I didn’t answer his original question. “Yeah, let’s get some studying done. My tutor’s been totally slacking on me.” I meant it as a joke to ease the tension with what happened, but he reacted like I punched him again. I wasn’t sure what to do so I kissed his cheek.
“What was that for?” he asked.
“My joke landed flat.”
“It didn’t. I just feel… Off step. It might take me a bit to get in line.” He sighed when I frowned at him. “I didn’t want the bagged blood I should use to feed. I only want you.”
“Shit,” I hissed with feeling.
“Yeah. I’m sorry. I thought—you appreciate honesty.”
“I do and I wanted to know that.” I gave his arm a squeeze before I moved into the kitchen. “We’ll get through this. Maybe Calloway knows something or has something that can help. Why don’t you portal over to Veritas Portas while we’re at our meeting?”
He opened his mouth to reply, looking like he might object, but Craftsman had perfect timing.
“Oh, that would be great,” he said as he joined us. “He can help me get the crystals we need to replace the ones on your dress. With your permission I might speak with Ayesha on some other options to wear them with normal clothing. Professor White and I think it smart we slowly test some of your limits.
“That way we might have fewer surprises in the future. I also petitioned to have Darby be my research assistant on the project, so someone doesn’t try to snag him as their TA. White also promised he’d have first crack at one of the seminar spots and is drafting the outline for the class.”
“I’m several steps behind on all of that,” Darby admitted.
“I’ll explain while we run our errand and you give me a hand,” Craftsman promised. He gave me a quick look that spoke volumes that he also wanted to keep an eye on Darby.
I appreciated his protectiveness and it did make sense for us to know what my blood really did to a vampire. I nodded. Not just on watching Darby but the Ayesha thing too.
Mentally I sighed though. So many balls were in the air and more than anyone knew. It worried me that if there was one more problem or trip-up I might break.
But I’d have to worry about that tomorrow as my plate was already full of stress for the day. Yeah, that would end well.
3
“What
are you?” Mr. Rothchild asked me later in the day as we sat down for the meeting.
“I told you this was a mistake,” Mel grumbled as she pushed to stand.
I moved my hand to her arm to stop her. I wasn’t giving up that easily because then we would be the jerks.
I studied Mr. Rothchild a moment. “A woman. Do dragons not get taught that in school?” I let out an exaggerated gasp when he opened his mouth to blast me. “Do you not know how the birds and the bees work when you have kids?”
I bit back a smile when several people snickered, something Mr. Rothchild did not appreciate.
“How can we trust you if you won’t even tell us your species?” he growled.
“How can I trust you when all you seem to give a shit about is my species?” I threw right back, raising an eyebrow at him as I sat back in my chair. “The more you push the more I do not want to tell you. Ever. You either have a bias against a certain species that it’s this important for you to know or you put your importance so far above mine that you cannot accept my telling you no.
“Either is unacceptable to me and honestly, I would stay undeclared forever for the sole purpose you never find out with the way you push. Who are you to demand answers of me? I get you’re used to being the general to the king, but welcome to the real world where you’re not in control of everyone. I’m not one of your soldiers. Hell, I see this as doing a service for the world that I’m pushing you to get over whatever craw is up your ass about me.”
“You are—”
“Not yours to judge,” I cut in, getting pissed and staring daggers at him. “And you are doing a disservice to your clan and family pushing this. By how you’re handling things with Mel. It’s making your very powerful and strong clan look weak and petty.”
“How so?” a woman asked, holding up a hand to Mr. Rothchild, and he listened so she was someone important.
“I’m friends with the Vogels, under their protection, and the head of their dragon ninja clan keeps showing his distaste for me? Objecting to my staying undeclared when the Vogels have praised it? A house divided—”