by Lara Swann
He offers me a smile and I match it, but I still don’t entirely meet his gaze.
“Okay, great. Thanks. I guess I’ll…see you later, then.”
I turn to leave, then pause as his voice calls out behind me.
“Thanks, Jessica.” He says softly. “For being so…practical about all this.”
“No problem.” I say, throwing another shrug and half-smile over my shoulder.
Then I really do leave, wishing I felt some of the casualness I’m layering into my tone and attitude. I pull on my running gear and leave the house with only a little wave to Emma as she looks up at me from where she’s playing.
Yeah, running is exactly what I need right now. I have a feeling I’m going to be doing a lot more of it over the next few weeks, too.
Got to find some way to burn off all this frustrated, tightly wound energy - or too many of my nights are going to be spent indulging in last nights’ activities.
And, as fun as it was, that definitely won’t help.
Chapter Ten
Nathan
I spend the rest of the day with Emma, trying to forget all about that kiss. Trying, and failing.
Instead, all I can think about is the heat in Jessica’s eyes this morning when she told me she wasn’t sorry about it at all - and exactly what I wanted to do with that heat. After a night of lying awake thinking about how on earth I was going to face Jessica the next morning and fix this, I’d been sure that my embarrassment and guilt would override any other urges I might have when I saw her in the morning, but it turns out I was totally wrong about that.
Jessica’s directness made it impossible. Not that I’m complaining - it also made this morning so much easier than I was expecting, too.
In some ways, at least.
I’ve never been so grateful - or quite so taken aback - by her simple, straightforward nature as I am right now. And there have been dozens of times I’ve appreciated it at work. I just never thought it would carry over to something so…personal…but I guess that’s just who she is.
And I never noticed just how incredibly attractive it is, either.
A woman who knows her own mind, who isn’t afraid to state it clearly and deal with the fallout openly…for fuck’s sake. That should make things easy. Instead, all I can think about is that fire, that passion, that easy strength of character…
“Daddy!” Emma says, in that demanding, pouty tone she gets sometimes. “Are we playing or not?!”
She brings her stuffed toy elephant down on the floor - in the middle of the zoo we’ve been erecting - for emphasis, and I guiltily look back from the doorway Jessica just walked past.
Damn it!
“Yes, yes of course munchkin, I’m sorry.” I shake my head, giving her a crooked smile. “Daddy is just being a bit silly today. You’ll have to forgive him.”
She gives me a scrutinizing look, eyes scrunched up at me as she makes a loud ‘hmmm’ noise before eventually nodding.
“Okaaayyyy.” She says, with such a long-suffering sigh that I have to hide my smile.
Sometimes I wonder where she picks some of this stuff up from - she spends almost all of her time with me or her Grandma, and yet she’s started coming out with new mannerisms that aren’t from either of us. It gives me a little thrill too, watching her own personality develop - even if it does come with a whole lot of attitude.
I go back to the animals and their antics around the zoo, as we deal with stampedes through fences and unexpected little-girl-made hurricanes, all while I try to ignore the tingling awareness that Jessica is working at the kitchen table in the other room…one that I can see if I lean back a little bit so that the doorways line up…
Which I don’t do, of course.
Instead, I bring my attention back to Emma, which is where it should be. Over and over again.
I feel worse about it because after yesterday with Stephanie, I really did want today to be all about Emma and I. I need that closeness with her more than I want to admit, but I find myself sabotaging it anyway. After last night, I’m too aware of Jessica being so close by. It’s obvious we’re both trying to keep our distance, but the other side of the house suddenly doesn’t feel that far away at all.
It didn’t feel that way last weekend, but then I spent a lot more time outside the house with Emma then, too. This weekend, I think being out for so long with Stephanie yesterday exhausted us both, and a quiet day playing with me is all Emma wants for today - and all I want too, despite the…complications…of having Jessica around.
It wasn’t so bad this morning, when she went out for a run and then again to try a new cafe for lunch, but I know she’s got a lot that she wants to be doing here - she’s neck-deep in looking into this conference idea of hers - and I obviously don’t expect her to try to avoid the house just because we’re staying in today. If we started avoiding each other on that level, I think it would be more awkward than the occasional distraction I’m getting at the moment.
At least Emma doesn’t seem to have any reservations about Jessica being around.
If anything, as the day goes on, she seems a little too okay with it.
I don’t even realize that she’s moved out of the room we’ve been playing in, until I hear her enthusiastically asking Jessica what she thinks of her drawing while I’m busy fixing her mid-afternoon snack. When I go looking for her, I find her squirming up close to Jessica on the couch in the living area and enthusiastically pointing at different parts of the picture.
Jessica, for her part, has a lovely smile on her face as she sets the document she was reading aside and talks to Emma - and for a moment I stall there, taken by how adorable the scene is. By the time I shake myself out of it, Jessica has one arm casually slung around my little girl and they’re both happily chatting away together.
“Emma…” I say, my tone much gentler now than my initial alarm would have made it. “Did you ask Jessica whether she was busy, before you showed her your picture? It looks like she was reading.”
Emma glances between the two of us, her face suddenly uncertain. “Umm…no…”
“That’s okay.” Jessica says, smiling back at her encouragingly. “I don’t mind. Your drawing was much more interesting than my papers.”
Emma giggles, then grins at me, reassured that she hasn’t done anything wrong - which she hasn’t, but I don’t want Jessica to feel like she has to indulge my daughter just because she’s living here, either.
“That’s good.” I smile broadly at her. “But next time, will you be a good girl and ask first, sweetie? Jessica might be in the middle of something very important.”
She nods. “Okay, Daddy.”
“Good girl.” I ruffle her hair, then tilt my head at her. “Do you want your afternoon snack now?”
“Ooh, yes!” She grins, wriggling away from Jessica and forgetting all about her drawing.
“Hey, don’t forget this!” Jessica says, holding it out to her.
She spins around, wobbles a little, then ends up landing on her bottom, where she laughs again. Jessica grins along with her, as she finally stands and takes the picture back.
“Thank you Jessica.” She says sweetly, and my heart glows with pride. She really is a wonderful little girl, and I ruffle her hair again.
“C’mon, let’s go eat.” I suggest, glancing over my shoulder as I steer her back out of the room and mouthing my own ‘thank you’.
Our eyes meet for a brief moment, sending a slight shock of energy through me, and Jessica’s smile softens into something far more intimate, whether she realizes it or not. I look away quickly, but it doesn’t stop the flush of heat from spreading through me - or the strange way Emma starts looking at me.
“Are you okay, Daddy?” She asks, just loud enough that Jessica probably hears, and I try not to curse as that heat turns embarrassed.
“Yes…yes, I’m fine.” I say, helping her into a chair and almost hurriedly trying to distract her with food.
Unfortunately,
despite my attempts to steer us away from Jessica after that, Emma seems to have other ideas. Our games get steadily more lively, until we’re roaming all over the house and I’m trying to caution Emma not to be too loud or we might disturb Jessica. She’s far too hyper for that though, and the admonition only seems to make her louder, until she’s shrieking and laughing with the thrill of being naughty too.
“I mean it, little girl.” I say, trying to find some semblance of seriousness, even though I still feel like laughing myself from chasing her all over the house. “Jessica—”
“Jessica, Jessica, Jessica!” She repeats in exaggerated exasperation, and I wince as it’s still loud.
Just what she needs to hear us talking about.
Before I can say anything else, Emma flounces off into the living room and asks Jessica herself. “Jeeeessica…am I too loud?”
“No, you’re fine…” Jessica trails off as I come in behind Emma, no doubt looking outraged at the cheek of my little girl. “I mean, ah…”
She hesitates, looking between us, obviously caught between wanting to reassure Emma while not totally undermining me, and I step in before she has to make the choice. I’m not sure I’d want to know what she’d pick right now - not with her eyes full of laughter as she looks at the two of us.
“Emmaaa…you’re being naughty and you know it.” I say, raising my arms slowly in front of me and lowering my body, making preparatory charge noises in about as much of a threat as I can manage at these times - when I know I should be doing the parenting thing, but I’m too caught up in enjoying her antics to be serious about it. “And you know what thaaaat means…”
“Ahhhh!” She yells, flinging her arms up and running away from me. “Nooo—Daddyyy—nooo!”
I give her a momentary head-start, which barely gets her a few steps away from me, and then I’m bearing down on her, arms outstretched.
“It’s time foooorr…the tickle monster!”
“Noooo!”
I laugh as I catch her up in my arms, dropping us both down to the floor and starting to tickle her all over as she wriggles and screams under me.
“Noo—Daddyyyy—stoooop!” She gasps, laughing and squirming and trying helplessly to fight me back.
We roll around on the floor together and I laugh with her, especially when she reaches out and tries to tickle me back, continuing to shriek and gasp and object.
“This is what happens to naughty little girls…”
“I’m not naughty! I’m not!” She yells, in between breaths of laughter and trying to get away from me.
“You are!” I say, resorting to the arguments of a three-year-old.
“Am not!” She retorts, until I bear down on her and she dissolves into peals of laughter and noise, her objections getting more and more incoherent.
I’m fully aware that I’m the one totally violating the ‘let’s not be too loud’ policy now, but I’m caught up in enjoying the moment with my daughter and we both get carried away with it. By the time I finally relent, I’m exhausted, and I collapse on the floor, finally letting her go and falling away from her. She wriggles out from my grasp, breathing heavily and still giggling.
“Okay, I give up.” I announce. “You can be loud.”
“Yayyyy!” Emma yells, ear-piercingly loud just to make the point. I wince again, but then she flops back onto her back, obviously exhausted too.
Thank goodness.
Unbidden, I glance over to Jessica sitting on the couch. Her eyes meet mine, sparkling with life and energy, and from the way her mouth quivers, it looks very much like she’s trying to hold back a laugh of her own - not entirely successfully. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s been quietly laughing at us this whole time - she’s certainly been able to hear our chaotic games ranging all over the house, and with them, all the ways I’ve been outmaneuvered by a three-year-old today - and the thought sends a flush of warmth through me…though not exactly in embarrassment.
I roll my eyes in silent communication, which has her mouth quirking up even more and only deepens that warm feeling. I tear my gaze away before I let it distract me too much, and with a deep breath turn back to Emma.
“Okay, mischief, how about we play a game, then?” I suggest, then mutter under my breath. “Give you a chance to work off some of this energy.”
“What game?” Emma asks, rolling onto her stomach and kicking her legs up behind her as she looks at me.
“How about…hungry, hungry hippos?” I say, smiling. “That’s definitely a loud game.”
At least when you play it with Emma.
But we can play in another room, at least, and give Jessica some peace and quiet too.
“Yeah!” Emma grins, jumping up. “Let’s play that!”
“Okay.” I say, sitting up with far less energy. “Let’s—”
“Do you want to play too, Jessica?” Emma asks, before I can finish, leaving me sitting there stunned for a moment.
“Um, I…” Jessica starts, looking at me with the same hesitation I’m feeling.
“Pleeeease!” Emma says, bouncing on her toes. “It’s fun! There are…hippos…and they go…snap, snap, snap! Eat, eat, eat!”
She makes jaw-closing motions with her two hands slapping against each other and it’s totally adorable. I can see it melting Jessica too, and she gives me a helpless look.
“Weelll…” She starts, still glancing at me - and I know she’s tempted, but obviously doesn’t want to overstep.
“You could always try a game.” I say mildly, giving up on this avoiding each other thing completely and letting her know she doesn’t need to hold back on my account. Emma is impossible to resist that way. “See if you like it?”
“Yess, Daddy!” Emma says, obviously thrilled I’m taking her side as she grabs for my hand and repeats my suggestion. “C’mon, Jessica, tryyyy it!”
I don’t know why she’s suddenly so enthusiastic about this, but maybe her experience with Stephanie yesterday has made her feel more confident and excited at the idea of including other people in our playtime. That would be one good thing to come from it, at least.
“Okay.” Jessica says, smiling ruefully as she looks at us both. “I’ll play too.”
“Yayyy!” Emma jumps excitedly, then grabs Jessica’s hand too and tries to lead us both into her playroom.
Jessica gives me an amused, helpless look and I match it, trying not to laugh myself. There’s clearly no standing up to the demands of a three-year-old.
Emma finds the game from one of the shelves herself, pulling it out and spilling it all over the floor. I give a rueful smile of my own as I gather all the little balls and move it into the middle of the room, starting to set it up while Emma turns to Jessica.
“Sooo…we lie down like this…” She flops onto the floor on her stomach, kicking her legs up in the air behind her to demonstrate, and Jessica raises a questioning eyebrow at me.
“Yep.” I confirm. “That’s what we do.”
I lower myself to the floor in front of the game, kicking my legs too as I grin at Emma, ready to give her some real competition for once. She’s inexplicably good at this game. I’m sure I look ridiculous like this - in fact, from the grin on Jessica’s face, I know I do - but Emma likes it and it puts me eye-level with her and the hippos. Besides, I quite like being ridiculous around her.
“Okay then.” Jessica says, laughter in her voice as she copies us, grinning herself.
“Right…so…” Emma starts, officiously trying to explain the game to Jessica. “You press…this…then…snap!”
She giggles as her hippo swallows a ball and Jessica’s grin widens as she watches.
“Snap.” She agrees, experimenting with her hippo more for Emma’s benefit than her own.
I fish the ball out of Emma’s area and put it back into the middle, then start us playing. It doesn’t take long for it to become a raucous, crazy game of yelling and laughing and outrage, with Emma slamming her button hard enough that I always wond
er whether she’s going to break it, my own attempt to be clever and find just the right timing - while Jessica makes distracting comments that have Emma in peals of laughter the whole time.
It’s over in moments - to many objections and mock-arguments - and then of course, we play again…and again…and again. I don’t even find myself tiring of Emma’s umpteenth request for ‘more!’ the way I usually do, having enough hilarious fun with it that I feel exactly the same.
From there, we move onto other games, and somehow Jessica gets roped into playing with us for all of those too. If it wasn’t so obvious that she was having a good time, I’d probably step in and try to protect her from some of my daughter’s demands, but with the way she’s laughing, her face glowing as she grins at me, she clearly doesn’t mind.
I don’t either. I know it’s probably a bad idea, but I’m enjoying this too much to care - there’s just something nice about playing with the two of them.
I try my best to ignore those brief moments when our eyes meet - the warmth and mutual enjoyment lingering there - and the spark of energy I get whenever we’re a little too close, but I still get the occasional moment of distraction when my gaze is pulled to her, lingering on the luscious curves under that pretty summery dress or the bounce of her hair over her shoulders…
It makes me glad that Emma’s energy makes it impossible to be distracted for too long.
By the end of the afternoon, I think we’re all exhausted. Emma just wants to collapse in front of the television and I end up putting a couple of store-bought pizzas in the oven for us to eat in front of Shrek, as a special treat. At Emma’s insistence - demanding Jessica sit next to her instead of on the other couch she was heading towards - we curl up together, the three of us.
I spend most of the movie trying not to look over at Jessica, and I can almost feel her doing exactly the same thing, but there’s still something nice about it anyway.
“Today was the best, Daddy.” Emma says sleepily, curling further into me the longer the movie goes on.