by Lara Swann
“Whether I’m doing okay at this.” Nathan finishes for me, grinning at her. “What do you think?”
She laughs slightly, rolling her eyes. “As if you don’t know.”
Nathan’s gaze narrows as he looks between us. “Huh. You two really are similar, you know…”
“I’m eight years older.” I say. “Therefore, much wiser.”
“Uhuh.” He says, his eyes sparkling. “I guess that’s where the bossiness comes from.”
“Yep.” Lori laughs from beside me.
“Hey!” I protest. I mean, he’s been my literal boss for years, though I can’t say I mind the light-hearted tone he’s created. “You’re the one who—is even older.”
I stop myself before pointing out the boss thing. Although we’ve admitted that we work together, we decided to keep things as simple as possible.
“Do you have any siblings?” Lori asks, tilting her head at him.
“No.” He shakes his head, his smile turning wry. “Always would have liked to, though. Growing up there was another kid on the same block as me, much younger…”
He starts talking about some of his childhood and I get another flush of appreciation as I realize that he’s taken my comment that Lori would rather not talk about herself to heart, taking every opportunity to expand on himself or move onto neutral topics instead.
God damn it, but he’s a good guy.
I listen with interest as the conversation reveals a whole host of things I didn’t know about him, as Lori asks the sorts of questions about him that I might have if we were actually dating, but obviously have never come up with us just working together. I try not to be as fascinated as I am when I hear about his happy childhood in Boston, the devastation of his Dad dying of cancer when he was just a teenager and how he and his Mom have tried to look after each other since then, but it’s impossible not to be drawn in.
I’m surprised how open he is about it all too, especially after only just meeting Lori, but he doesn’t seem to have a problem talking easily with her. In turn, she seems to relax after a while as well, and I get a strange mix of feelings as I see them getting on so well.
We go out for the meal that Mom has organized a little while later and spending the evening in the warmth of my family - all of us laughing and joking together in the same way we have for years - finally lets me forget my concerns about pretending to date Nathan and just enjoy the company of the people I care about the most instead. Nathan seems to enjoy it too, chatting with one of Mom’s friends while Lori and I secretly mess about together. Being back with my family brings out that kind of childish playfulness I don’t really get anywhere else - except, I guess recently, playing with Emma. Which probably says something about our mental age.
Lori doesn’t eat much while we’re out, spending the evening acting like she’s nibbling on a bread roll, but no one says anything and for once I don’t actually worry about it. These days, I trust her enough to know that she’ll have something else when we get back home, and I count it a big enough victory that Mom could even consider picking a restaurant for her birthday celebration.
A few glasses of wine later, when dessert arrives - Mom’s chocolate fondant with a candle on the top - we’re all a little bit louder and more raucous as we sing ‘Happy Birthday’ and Mom pretends to be embarrassed, while really loving the whole thing. She blows out the candle to cheers and then stands up, raising her glass as we toast her.
“Okay, stop—really, stop now. This is silly. Everyone is looking.” She protests, laughing.
“Going to give a speech up there, Linda?” Debbie, one of Mom’s friends, asks with a laugh.
“No, no—except, only, to thank you all for coming. This has been a wonderful day—really special.” She smiles, and I can’t help noticing the way she looks over towards Nathan as she does. I try not to groan. “I couldn’t ask for a better group of family or friends—and I just want to say while we’re all here tonight, that my birthday isn’t the only reason we’ve got to celebrate. I also want to toast Jessica and Lorelei, my two beautiful daughters, who I couldn’t be more proud of right now.”
Everyone turns to us at the prompt and this time I do groan, even if it’s under my breath, as I give everyone an attempt at a smile.
“Really, Mom?” I mutter to myself, feeling myself flush slightly and deliberately not looking at Nathan as another spike of guilt hits me. I have no doubt at all exactly why Mom is proud of me tonight. “Did you have to?”
Nathan squeezes my hand under the table and I glance up at him to see his eyes flashing in amusement - the bastard - even as I know Lori is sinking down into her seat and trying to disappear beside me. Even if Mom does enjoy the occasional flare of drama, she should have known better than to highlight Lori like that…
We make it through that toast, at least, and then the attention shifts away as Mom sits down and everyone turns back to their desserts.
“Ugh. I wish she hadn’t done that.” Lori says from next to me, tearing little chunks off her bread roll and setting them aside on the plate.
“Me too.” I give her a sympathetic smile, then shrug. “But it is her birthday.”
“Yeah. I know.” She sighs, her screwed up expression eventually resolving into a smile as she looks at the two of us. “At least you brought Nathan this time. I’m pretty sure that’s all anyone was thinking about anyway.”
“Yeah.” I say, not at all sure what I think of that as I look around at the group gathered, now happily chatting and laughing together again. “You’re probably right there.”
She glances over to where someone else has engaged Nathan in conversation again, then leans in and nudges me subtly.
“I like him though, Jess.” She says, giving me an almost hesitant smile. “I’m pleased for you. Really.”
“Um, thanks Lori…”
“Everyone does.” She adds, even as I try my best not to really hear her. I don’t want to think about that right now.
How great he is. How much my family like him. How well he fits in here…beside me.
What being with him like this, in front of everyone else, feels like.
Lori moves the conversation on again after a moment, sensing that I don’t want the pressure just as well as I can with her, but the words are stuck in my head anyway. I find myself hoping, with a sinking feeling, that I haven’t made a big mistake in bringing him here in an attempt to get Mom off my back.
I like him, Jess. Everyone does.
Yeah. Me too. Me too, Lori.
Chapter Twelve
Jessica
W e spend the night at my parents, in my old childhood room that my parents still haven’t repurposed. It’s got a funky white-and-purple theme going on, with a few fairy lights hung around pictures from college and endless medical diagrams stuck to the walls - all of which Nathan finds very amusing.
Really, it should be a generic guest room by now.
We’re lucky that it has a double bed, at least - and that’s a much more comfortable arrangement than it would have been when Nathan first agreed. I’m pretty sure I would have dragged us to a hotel, no matter what Mom tried to say about it, if we hadn’t already been sneaking into each others’ rooms every night anyway.
As it is, we spend the night curled up together - for once trying desperately to sleep instead of our usual night-time activities. So, the complete opposite of normal. It’s infuriating trying to resist, especially when we can’t help sleeping naked…with a few kisses…and touches…but there’s no way I’m doing that in my parents’ house, and it’s also discomfortingly nice that this time, neither of us is going to sneak away.
I fall asleep in Nathan’s arms, and I don’t think I’ve ever been so relaxed - while inevitably slightly on edge with desire - but I try not to think about it too much.
Especially when Mom corners me the next day before we leave, after spending the morning and staying for lunch with them, to tell me how much she likes Nathan.
“Really,
Jessica, I can’t believe you didn’t give me a hint about this before. He’s wonderful—I’m so pleased for you, sweetheart, you really—”
“Yeah, okay Mom, just…don’t get too carried away.” I interrupt, massaging the back of my neck with one hand and glancing over to where Nathan is talking to my Dad in the other room.
He’s spent pretty much the whole weekend talking to my family - people he doesn’t know at all - being lovely and engaging and interested, and he hasn’t complained once. Maybe he’s a different kind of person from me, but I know I wince at the idea of that much social energy. I mean, I know he feels like he owes me for the marriage thing - which he doesn’t - but still, I find it hard to believe.
“He’s great, really—I know that.” I add, as I watch her about to object - no doubt wanting to rush to his defense. “It’s just…a bit complicated, that’s all.”
I make myself say that, even as I feel bad for doing it. I was right. They like him too much. I’ve got to introduce some reasons that this might not work out, so that it doesn’t upset them too much.
“So we don’t really know…well, we’ll just have to see…”
“What do you mean?” Mom asks, frowning. “What complications?”
I glance over to him again, then shrug, really wishing I wasn’t having this conversation. “Well…it’s not just that we work together. He’s my boss too - he owns the practice - which makes it…a little bit awkward.”
“Oh.” Mom pauses, considering. I don’t mention that I also own half the practice now myself, of course, but I can’t help the voice in the back of my head that wonders how I’m ever going to tell them. “Well…”
“And he has a three year old daughter.” I say, the words coming out in a rush. I hate that I’m talking about Emma like that - like she’s a problem, or baggage, or something, but I just want to give Mom some real reasons to hesitate about this and these…well, they do that.
“Oh.” She says again, her head swiveling back towards Nathan in surprise, and I don’t miss the soft disappointment in her voice. Yeah, she really can see this not working out now. “Oh, Jessica…”
“It doesn’t have to be a problem.” I say, and I’m aware how defensive I sound, even though I’m the one pointing out these issues. I guess that helps our story, but that’s not why I say it. I just…can’t help myself. “It’s just—”
“Have you met her?” Mom asks.
“What?”
“The daughter?”
“Um, yes. Not as—not—just as a friend of Nathan’s. She’s lovely.” I say, then shake my head. This is getting too dangerous. I really can’t have a serious too-close-to-the-truth conversation with Mom about this. “Look, I don’t know, okay? I really like him, and I think maybe we could work all that out but…maybe we can’t, too. Don’t—don’t tell him I said any of this. Or anyone else, okay? We’re still figuring things out. We just—we need some space, okay? And…not too much pressure. Do you think you can give us have that?”
Mom looks at me - really looks - and the scrutiny there is enough to have hairs rising on the back of my neck, but eventually she nods.
“Of course.” She says softly, reaching forward and pulling me into a hug. I’m a little stiff, but I try my best to return it. “I won’t ask anything more. I promise. Just so long as you know you can always talk to me if you need to.”
When she pulls back, her eyes are thoughtful, and I’m not sure I want to know what she sees when she looks at me right now.
“Yeah.” I say, feeling awkward about it all. I appreciate the thought, but I’m too confused about how close to real this conversation feels to process it properly. “Yeah, of course. Thanks, Mom.”
“I hope it works out for you, either way. And I still like him.” She squeezes my arm - and then surprises me by going back to making coffee, dropping the subject entirely.
I’m still confused by the time we get in the car to drive back to Manchester, my head spinning with all the conflicting feelings this weekend has given me. Nathan offers to drive, but I don’t take him up on it. I’ve done this drive often enough that I could do the route in my sleep, and right now I feel like I could use the distraction.
We drive in companionable silence for a while, but eventually, Nathan turns to me with a smile.
“I like your family, Jess. They’re lovely.”
I laugh softly, raising one eyebrow at him. “You didn’t find them a little…too much? Mom has wanted me to get a boyfriend forever, so I think what you saw there was the result of a lot of build up.”
He laughs, shaking his head. “Nah, she was perfect - I wouldn’t have expected anything less. I enjoyed it, Jessica, really.”
He reaches across to squeeze my hand and I can’t help glancing over at him, my heart thumping traitorously in my chest. Comments like that only add to the confusing mess of my feelings right now.
“I’m glad.” I say softly. I am, even if I wish it didn’t matter quite so much to me. “Thank you for coming with me.”
“Anytime - really.” He says, and I think he might even mean it. “It was worth it just to see your sister—”
“Don’t say it.” I interrupt, my hands tightening on the steering wheel.
Oh god. I can’t deal with that right now too.
“What?” He frowns at me.
“Look, yes, okay, she has anorexia - or, well, she’s recovering from it - and yes, every symptom you saw was probably accurate and the details of the diagnosis and treatment plan are probably interesting, but she’s my sister and I don’t want to talk about it. Okay?”
I let out a breath as the tirade grinds to a halt, my heart thumping. I can feel the heat on my face - from frustration at first, before gradually shifting to embarrassment as I notice his silence beside me.
“You…weren’t going to say that, were you?”
“No.” He says softly, his tone far calmer than I would have been if I’d been on the receiving end of all that. He just looks at me with a quiet, considering gaze that makes me squirm, though. “I was just going to say that it was worth it to see your sister poking fun at you.”
“Oh.” I say, my face growing hotter as I shift my grip on the steering wheel, deliberately not looking at him. “I’m sorry. I guess I can be a little…defensive about it sometimes. I’ve known too many insensitive people, and some of my friends from med school…”
I shrug, not really wanting to talk about that. The ones who met Lori were never too bad around her, exactly, but some of the questions people asked…it felt more like they saw her as a case study than my sister sometimes. It was never meant in a bad way - their interest in their studies meant that a lot of different medical issues any of us encountered ended up that way - but when I was already sick with worry about her, it was the last thing I could deal with.
“That’s okay.” Nathan says. “I don’t blame you for being protective. That’s what big sisters are for, right?”
He smiles at me and I’m immediately grateful that he’s trying to ease the slightly tense atmosphere between us.
“Yeah. I guess it is.” I offer him a small smile back, shrugging again.
“The two of you were really sweet together, you know. I meant what I said to Lori - I would have liked someone to have that kind of relationship with.”
My nose wrinkles a little at that - I’m not sure what I think of Nathan calling me sweet - but I feel some of my tension start to dissolve as the conversation becomes easier again.
“Yeah.” I let out a breath, relaxing slightly. “We’re really close now. It was a bit hit and miss at times, with everything that we’ve been through over the last ten years, but it does feel like - in the end - that’s only brought us closer.”
He nods, and I glance over at him, feeling embarrassed at my earlier outburst. He really didn’t deserve it.
“You can ask about it if you’d like, you know. I didn’t mean to explode earlier, I just…” I trail off, shrugging. “I guess I have a short fuse whe
n it comes to Lori - and sometimes I hate that it’s the only thing people seem to see when they look at her. I mean, she’s mostly through it now, anyway. I just want her to be able to put it behind her and move on to all the things she deserves in life - the things she’s worked so hard for. And the rest of us too, I guess.”
“Yeah. I understand that.” He says, reaching over to squeeze my hand. I smile briefly before turning my attention back to the road. “I don’t think I have anything to ask about, though. I noticed, sure, but I was more interested in getting to know your family than anything else.”
And that, I can’t help thinking with a soft sigh, is exactly why he’s such a good guy.
Though I can’t help a quick glance over at him at that last comment.
Getting to know my family?
Maybe it’s just my mind darting all over the place at the moment, but that seems like an…odd thing to focus on, for a one-time thing that he was doing as a favor to me.
“It explains why you’re so good with some of the cases we see, though.” Nathan smiles at me, continuing before I have a chance to linger on that thought. “That was how you diagnosed Mrs. Winters’ daughter, right? You spotted similar signs?”
“Um, yeah, I guess so.”
“She sent a glowing letter into the practice the other day—”
“To you?” I ask, surprised.
“To the practice in general.” His smile turns wry. “I opened it before realizing it was really for you - it’s been on my desk to give to you for a couple of days now, keep forgetting.”
“Hah, okay. Well, thanks.” I laugh, then shrug slightly. “I guess I’m a little more sensitive to it than I would be otherwise—though the years’ residency I did in Psych probably has as much to do with it.”
He gives me a surprised glance, before nodding. “I’d forgotten about that.”
I nod. “Yeah, I originally thought that’s what I’d go into. Lori…she started having problems when I was in med school and going through that with her…it made me think I wanted to work in a similar area. Some silly notion that I wanted to save others like her, I guess, maybe help them before it got so bad…”