by Lara Swann
There’s a pause on the other side of the line, before Martin finally responds.
“That’s okay, Jessica. I can understand that.” He says, sounding disappointed but slightly resigned. It makes me wonder how many of these calls he might have been making recently. “Still, take a bit of time to think it over anyway. If you change your mind, I’ll give you my number and you can call me back about it anytime.”
“Okay, thanks.” I say, agreeing somewhat reluctantly. It definitely won’t hurt to have his personal number for the future, but I don’t want to give him false hope either.
We end the call, and it takes me a few moments to realize he never even asked what I wanted to present about. I guess they really are desperate. I sit back with a sigh, my head spinning. That was certainly…unexpected. I can’t deny a disappointment of my own, either, but it would have been crazy to say ‘yes’.
Two months to prepare a presentation…when I’ve never presented at anything near this level before…with everything else that’s going on…
Yeah. Impossible. It’ll be enough if I can just keep this place afloat over the next few weeks.
It’s late by the time I get back and I don’t see Nathan as I fix a quick dinner and spend the rest of the evening trying to chill out a bit. That doesn’t work as well as I’d hoped - too many thoughts circling in my mind - and I find myself just killing time, waiting until it’s late enough that Emma isn’t likely to wake up and I can sneak into his room.
We still haven’t broken that habit - hell, it might be my favorite part of every day - but with everything else going on, our nightly escapades seem to have become just as much about lying together and talking as they are about the hot, secretive sex we started out with. It’s still just as hot when we do get to that, but the mood behind it has definitely shifted. It’s more urgent now - a way to deal with our tension and blow off some steam - and the secretive novelty of sneaking into each others’ rooms has slowly given way to a warm familiarity.
It feels nice, and intimate, and I’m far too aware of all the pitfalls of what we’re doing.
I can feel it in the way he looks at me, in the way I feel when I snuggle up against him or we lie there and softly talk, telling each other things that have absolutely nothing to do with satisfying simple, carnal urges.
I haven’t said anything about it, though. How could I with everything else going on? I don’t think I could bring myself to force us to confront it right now - or even worse, to end it when we both need it so much at the moment.
“Hey.” Nathan looks up at me, his voice warm as I slip into his room, wearing my thin silk nightdress. There’s a small lamp beside his bed, gently illuminating him and the medical magazine he’s holding.
“Hey.” I repeat softly, slipping under the covers he pulls out for me and sliding up next to him.
He wraps his arm around my shoulders and I curl myself around his body, enjoying the heat of his bare skin under my fingers. He’s wearing boxers and that - along with my nightdress - is the only pretense at modesty we try to make. It’s about as flimsy as it sounds, especially as I see the bulge growing there, his body responding automatically to me in a way that never fails to send a shiver of excitement through me. It’s just damn flattering, if nothing else.
We lie like that for a few minutes, just relaxing against each other as he sets his magazine aside and gathers me closer.
“Thank you for earlier.” He says eventually, leaning over to kiss my forehead. It sends a flush of warmth through me, the more dangerous non-lust kind, and I sigh softly. He’s started doing that recently and even though I know he probably shouldn’t, I can’t bring myself to get him to stop. “I do feel better from having the time with Emma.”
I smile slightly. “Of course you do.”
He squeezes my ass at the smug remark, which only makes me wiggle it further into his grasp, surprising a laugh out of him. I love when I can do that. He hasn’t laughed enough recently.
“It’s a difficult thing, though.” He murmurs, obviously not too distracted. “I can’t bear not being with her at the moment, but whenever I am…it just makes the idea of losing that so much worse. It’s hard to control sometimes, how desperate it makes me feel.”
The soft words send another shiver through me, of a totally different kind this time. The way he talks to me sometimes…the things he tells me…I can barely believe this was the man with walls and shields an inch thick only a few months ago.
“Even today…” He sighs, drawing me in closer. “Emma was in one of her more difficult moods and I should have been hating it - getting frustrated and wishing I could have some kind of break from parenting - but instead…I was just thinking how precious she is and wondering why I hadn’t appreciated all her various quirks more earlier. Stupid, huh?”
I sigh softly as I look up at him, leaning up to brush my lips against his and then slowly deepening the kiss. I love that here, at least, I can respond to him the way I really want to - we can touch, and kiss, and comfort each other in a way that we can’t do anywhere else.
“It’s going to be okay, Nathan.” I say. “You are going to win this.”
“I’d better.” He says, the words swallowed at the end before he finally shifts back a little with a sigh of his own. “I just want it done with now. I don’t know how much more of this I can stand.”
“I know.”
“And I’m not blind to what it’s doing to the practice, either—”
“We’re fine.” I say, before he can start beating himself up about that too. “You’ve set up a great foundation, Nathan. We can manage without you for one more week.”
“How was it today, after I left? Really?” He asks, scrutinizing me closely.
“It was fine.” I repeat, giving him an exasperated look. “We saw patients, clinic times ran over a little bit no one complained, and I stayed late to do some admin. Everyone survived and the world didn’t end.”
I mean, I’m maybe putting a slightly optimistic spin on it, but it’s all pretty much true. Nothing he needs to be concerned about right now, anyway.
“Actually.” I add, taking the chance to distract him - and myself - further. “Something interesting did happen towards the end there.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. That conference I told you about - Healthcare in the Community - they called me up today. Asked if I wanted a presentation slot at the conference. This year’s conference. The one in June!” I grin at him, waiting for the surprised laughter I felt at the idea.
“Wait—really?” Nathan asks, doing a double-take as he looks at me. “What did you say?!”
“Well, no, obviously.” I shake my head. “It’s in two months’ time, Nathan. There’s no way I have time to prepare—”
“But it’s what you wanted!” He says, sounding far more excited than makes any sort of sense. “Jessica, that’s great news! You’re already getting a chance to—”
“Woah, hold on.” I say, propping myself up on my elbow so I can look at him properly. “I said ‘no’, Nathan. Come on, you can’t seriously think I have time to prepare a presentation for a full-blown conference in two months?! Not with—”
I cut myself off abruptly, but not before he hears exactly what I was about to say.
“Not with all the work you’re covering for me?” He finishes quietly, his expression darkening.
I sigh. “It’s not that, Nathan. I don’t even know whether I could get enough feedback from the patient surveys we’re doing in that sort of time frame - and I’d want to do it well. I’d want to start a good discussion, one that doesn’t have the chance of being dismissed simply because I’m unprepared.”
I’m objecting, but my heart is thudding in my chest again and I can’t deny I have thought about it since that call. I’ve been thinking about it all evening.
“You wouldn’t be.” Nathan says, with far more conviction than I feel. He runs his hand through my hair, his expression gentling as he searches my face. “I
’ve heard you talk about this enough times, Jess. You know what you want to say. It wouldn’t take much to get the evidence together and work it into a presentation - I’ve seen how passionate you are about this. You can do it. I’ll help you—”
“You can’t possibly—”
“I can. Do you think I haven’t seen how much you’ve taken on over the last few months for me?” He asks, his eyes flaring with challenge. “In a week, all this will be over and I’ll finally have some semblance of normality back. We can work on it then. You can do this thing, Jessica. You deserve this chance.”
I stare at him for a moment, then flop back onto the bed, my breath whooshing out of me.
Well, shit.
“You really think I should go for it?” I ask, my voice quiet, almost timid. I can barely believe he’s suggesting this, but I can’t deny the rush of excitement running through me at the idea either. “Really?”
“Yes.”
“Shit, Nathan…” I breathe, and he just laughs.
“This. This is exactly why you should go for it.” He props himself up over me, a grin on his face as his eyes - and then his hand - starts wandering over my body.
I suck in a breath as that feels wonderful against the soft silk, but I can’t help meeting his gaze and grinning back.
“Call them back tomorrow.” He says, in that seductive, alluring voice that comes so easily to him. “And tell them you’ll do it.”
My breath catches in my throat and I lean into him, shaking my head. “That shouldn’t be sexy.”
“You just love me telling you what to do.” He says, his eyes sparkling - and this whole conversation feels worth it just to see that look on his face. I relax into him, pleased that this really did work as a distraction.
“Definitely not.” I say, swinging my leg around until I’m on top of him, pressing him back down into the bed as I lean down to kiss him, our mouths growing steadily more insistent.
“Really?” He murmurs. “But I was your boss for all those years…”
“Exactly.” I say, trailing my hands down the firm muscles of his chest, shifting so that my mouth starts following.
He groans lightly, one hand coming up under the nightdress and cupping my ass, finding very quickly that tonight I didn’t bother with the lacy panties I sometimes wear underneath.
“Well, I have to say I quite enjoyed you telling me what to do earlier.” He says, his breath hot against my ear. “Striding into my office, all demanding like that…”
“Oh really?” I murmur, nibbling lightly against his chest as my hair trails around me.
“Mmhmm…I like seeing you that determined. Passionate. You’re a strong woman, Jessica…it’s hot as hell.”
I laugh, glancing up at him with a wicked smirk. “I’ll be sure to keep that in mind...”
Then I work my way further down, my hands slipping under his boxers while my mouth follows, and Nathan loses all interest in talking as I set about yet another distraction from everything he has to worry about right now.
One more week to go.
One more week hopefully punctuated by brief respites like this.
Chapter Sixteen
Nathan
T he morning of the custody trial, I wake up in a cold sweat with my stomach in knots. I feel like I’ve been through an ordeal just getting here, but now that it’s finally arrived it’s somehow worse.
As I make my way to the courthouse, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so powerless in my life. Not even when I was sitting at Dad’s bedside, watching him slip away in front of me. Jessica comes with me - both of us too tense to talk much on the way there - and we meet Mom and George outside, all of us except George wearing similarly grim expressions. He looks determined, but confident. I can’t ask for much more than that, I guess.
Mom steps up to hug me as soon as I approach, wrapping her arms around me and squeezing tight in a gesture that’s obviously something she badly needs right now. That’s the only reason I manage to return it properly, trying to give her some warmth and comfort when far too much of me feels stiff and in too much turmoil to deal with all the emotions behind this right now.
“How’s Emma?” She asks softly, finally stepping back and looking at me. She doesn’t bother asking how I am, just as I don’t ask the same of her. That would be a ridiculous question right now.
“She’s fine. I left her with Carole and she seemed happy enough. I don’t think she’s picked up on anything.” I shrug.
Not about today in particular, anyway. She’s definitely been more anxious than usual recently, despite my best efforts to keep all of this from her.
“Good. That’s…good.” Mom nods, and I can tell she’s just trying to fill the silence. I don’t think any of us want to stop and think.
George steps in before it can get awkward, taking us to the side before we enter and starting to talk through what we should expect. He runs through his strategy again, which I’ve already heard at least a dozen times now, but I appreciate the calming influence that his quietly confident manner has.
“Just remember to keep any answer you give clear and concise.” He adds as he finishes. “The Judge will have already read everything we’ve submitted, and he’ll want to keep things moving along at a decent pace. After all the build-up we’ve had over the last couple of months, it can often feel surprising how quick these trials can be, but the reality is that we’ll be just one of several cases that he’ll see today. So try not to worry if we’re late starting, and keep in mind that we won’t get any points from the Judge for taking too much time over our arguments.”
I nod, though my stomach only sinks further. This decision could change everything for my family - my daughter’s entire upbringing - and the idea that it’s just one case of many for the Judge to get through feels awful, even if I guess I can understand it.
“Okay.” George continues, as we all murmur our agreement. “Let’s go in and let them know we’re here then.”
He leads the way into the courthouse, my sense of foreboding increasing with every step. Jessica reaches out to take my hand as we enter, squeezing it tightly. I return it, but I can’t meet her gaze, too much of my attention on what’s about to happen.
George talks to the clerk and then we’re ushered through into the courtroom, where another case is already in progress. We take seats in the public area at the back and I try not to pay too much attention to the proceedings going on in front of us as we wait for our case to be called forward. Listening to the back and forth between the lawyers there and the questions from the Judge is only going to make my own tense anticipation worse.
I catch sight of Stephanie and - damn, what looks like her team of lawyers - off to the side, but I deliberately avoid looking over at them. I don’t want to deal with her until I have to, and I’m grateful when it appears that she seems to feel the same way. Instead, my gaze darts between Mom and Jessica - all of us silently trying to reassure each other and none of it quite working. The large, official-looking room echoes slightly with the buzz of people and important matters inside it and it’s a strange, slightly overwhelming atmosphere that’s not helped at all by the lurching feeling in my stomach.
I go through the case again in my mind, mentally rehearsing my planned answers to questions the Judge may ask, and reassure myself with how well prepared we are, but the wait drags on and eventually I’m left with nothing to distract me as I sit there and try not to let my nerves get the better of me.
It feels like an age until we’re finally called through, and I look up with a start when I hear my name, belatedly noticing the group at the front making their way back through the court again. George nods to me and I stand up to follow him down to one of the tables at the front, squeezing Mom’s shoulder as I pass and meeting Jessica’s gaze, my own anxiety clearly reflected on her face.
We come to stand behind our table as Stephanie’s group arrive at theirs and the Judge introduces himself as Judge Andrew Halliby before telling us to take
our seats. There’s a flurry of movement of people and papers as we all arrange ourselves and he glances over a few documents himself, probably reminding himself of the details of our case, before getting to the point much quicker than I expected. I guess George was right about us being on a schedule.
Within moments Stephanie’s lead lawyer starts summarizing their position, why they’ve brought us to court and what they’re requesting from the custody agreement. It’s all exactly what we already know and expected, but I still tense up on hearing it again, especially in this environment. It makes me grateful to have George to respond calmly and professionally when he’s called on to state our position.
I watch Judge Halliby as he does, trying to read how he might be taking it, but he’s obviously had a lot of practice at keeping a neutral expression. So far, he simply seems astutely professional, his weathered face giving a hint of his experience but nothing else.
George speaks clearly and concisely, and as the case proceeds from there, I slowly start to relax a little. It feels much better to be here doing something - advocating on behalf of myself and my daughter, and watching as our months of planning come to life - than all the waiting did, even if it is terrifying when I let myself think of what it might all mean.
Judge Halliby asks both Stephanie and I the questions that we’d expected and as I answer far more steadily than I expect - with exactly the confidence I wanted to portray - some of that confidence starts to become real. The case proceeds towards evidence and witnesses, hitting almost all the points that George already anticipated, and I actually think it might be going well.
I thought I might struggle to talk about Jessica and her weight or impact on Emma’s life - the idea of lying to a Judge feels awful - but when I start talking, it somehow doesn’t feel like I’m lying. I mean, technically I’m not - George was very careful about setting it up that way - but to me misleading and lying might as well be the same thing. I talk about how well Jessica gets on with Emma and how easily she’s adjusted to having Jessica live with us, freely admitting that we haven’t told her about our marriage yet because we’re waiting until it feels natural, and none of that feels wrong, somehow.